The Who go to the Museum

[Open on the inside of The British Museum in London. THE WHO and THE GIRLS are out for the day. KATIE is trying to get ROGER’s attention (she’s feeling abandoned because he is looking at the history of mirrors, as they’re his favourite things). KEITH is making HEATHER BURDON laugh by pretending he’s a dinosaur and JOHN and HEATHER TORK are looking at pictures of early men to pick up tips on brooding stances and poses. PETE and EMILY are looking at the history of music, which they both find totally fascinating.]

KEITH: So, er, wot are we doin’ ‘ere, Pait?

PETE: We’re bein’ educated.

KEITH: Is that wot you call it?

PETE: Yeah. Why, wot jew call it?

KEITH: Borin’!

HEATHER B: Yeah! Dead boring!

PETE: You jast ‘ave no clahss!

KEITH: No, bat I wish I ‘ad a glahss, wiv brandy in it!

HEATHER B: You’re right, Keefie. I need a drink too… Er, coke, obviously.

ROGER: Ya down’t wannah sabstitute it fer gin?

HEATHER B: [pulls a “yeuch, don’t be disgusting” face] No, I bleedin’ well do not!

EMILY: Well, I think it’s interesting here!

HEATHER T: I think it’s interesting too!

HEATHER B: The only history I like is Greek and Roman mythology.

KEITH: Why?

HEATHER B: It’s really cool. All that stuff about gods and goddesses and whatnot, it’s just good. Actually it’s got quite a lot of fornication and stuff in it too!

KEITH: [eyes gleaming] Now I fink that THAT sounds laik fan!

HEATHER B: You would!

EMILY: [suddenly] I KNOW!

ALL: [shocked by the loud scream in a quiet museum] What?

EMILY: Let’s all have a Monkee-style romp about it!

KEITH: Yeah, sounds laik a great idea! C’mon, ‘Ev, le’s go faind sam sheets so we can dress ap in them fings!

HEATHER B: Wow! M, that’s a great idea! Yeah, okay Keefie, let’s go! HEY! Who shall we be?

KEITH: Dunno, le’s jast ‘ave fan!

HEATHER B: Fun! Yeah!

PETE: Those two are really bad fer each avvah, y’knaw…

KEITH: Oh I wouldn’t say that. ‘Aven’t you noticed a chainge in my behaviour since I met ‘Evvah?

PETE: That’s wot I’m tawkin’ abaht!

KEITH: Ohhhhhh…

KATIE: Y’know, Pete, you have a point, Heather’s gone a lot more crazy since she met Keith.

HEATHER T: Yeah, and we never thought that was possible!

HEATHER B: This could be the start of a beautiful friendship, Moonie!

KEITH: I fink you ‘ave a point there, dear gel!

JOHN: I ‘ope you don’t expect me to dress ap laik a tossah and jamp abaht laik I’m ‘Evvah Burdon or Keef!

HEATHER T: Oh, c’mon, Johnny, it’ll be fun!

JOHN: I wouldn’t cahnt on it!

HEATHER T: Please, John! [bats eyelids at him]

JOHN: [finding he can’t possibly refuse her] Oh, well… okaiy then, bat down’t expect me to enjoy mesewf!

HEATHER T: Good boy!

HEATHER B: Wow, Heath, I’m impressed! You had him eating out of your hand!

ROGER: I nevah saw that part!

[Everyone stares at him]

KATIE: Rogie, she didn’t mean it literally!

ROGER: She wha’?

KATIE: [sighs and rolls her eyes] Never mind.

KEITH: Wot did I tew ya, Kait? ‘E’s fick as two showt planks. Showt bein’ the operative word!

EMILY: Well, c’mon then, are we going or not?

HEATHER B: Yeah, course we are, come ‘ead everyone!

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 2

[Open on a Who romp to the song Disguises. HEATHER BURDON has decided to be Aphrodite because she thinks it would be good to get out of character and KEITH has decided to be Dionysus, for obvious reasons.]

KEITH: ‘Ey, ‘Ev, they’re plaiyin’ Disguises, an’ we’re wearin’ disguises!

HEATHER B: Keith, sometimes I think you’re as thick as Roger!

KEITH: Come off it! I’m not THAT fick!

HEATHER B: Er, well, okay, you’ve got a point! Anyway, what about it?

KEITH: Do we ‘ave ta get intah character?

HEATHER B: We could if we wanted I suppose.

KEITH: Great! Bottle of brandy back at your plaice then?

[HEATHER BURDON laughs]

HEATHER B: You should be so lucky!

[Suddenly the music stops]

PETE: C’mon, you two! If you ain’t gonnah plaiy proply then go!

ROGER: Were you this bossy at school, Pait?

PETE: Never you maind.

EMILY: I wouldn’t say Pete’s being bossy, just authoritative!

[they all start talking amongst themselves as to whether Pete’s bossy or authoritative]

HEATHER B: Look, our chance for a quick getaway!

KEITH: ‘Ey! We could ‘ave a quick one while we’re away!

HEATHER B: That’s just rude… I love it!

[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH start creeping out, but PETE spots them]

PETE: OI!!!!!!!! GET BACK ‘ERE NAW!

HEATHER B: Oh, but Pete! [gives him her best puppy-dog face]

PETE: No, that won’t work! At aw!

HEATHER B: [continues gazing at him] Oh Pete!!!

PETE: [trying not to look at her] Wew, I s’pose you can go… Bat don’t do ennyfink I wouldn’t do!

KEITH: [winking at HEATHER] Oh, we won’t! Will we, ‘Ev?

HEATHER B: [innocently] Oh, NO… We’re good children aren’t we?

[exit KEITH and HEATHER BURDON, laughing dirtily]

EMILY: I don’t want to KNOW what they’re thinking of…

HEATHER T: I can guess. But I don’t want to.

JOHN: DEAR LAWD!

ALL: [stunned by the outburst] What?

JOHN: Imagine wot the kids’ll be laik!

[cut to DREAM SEQUENCE]

HEATHER B: So, Keith, what do we call our first kid?

KEITH: Damien!

HEATHER B: You think we left it a bit late giving him a name?

KEITH: Why?

HEATHER B: He’s about 13 now, I think.

KEITH: Oh. Bladdy ‘ew, wot’ve we been doin’ fer the pahst 13 years?

HEATHER B: We’ve been partying and getting high.

KEITH: Oh yeah. Been fun though…

HEATHER B: Yeah. Oi! Damo!

DAMIEN: Yes, mother?

HEATHER B: That’s your name.

DAMIEN: HOW long have I been waiting for a name?

KEITH: Dunno. ‘Ow old are ya again?

DAMIEN: 20.

HEATHER: Well, we would’ve named you sooner, sweetheart, it’s just it slipped our minds. But we’ve all had fun. What’s in a name? A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet!

KEITH: ‘Ey, ‘Ev, that was pretty good!

HEATHER B: Thanks, it’s Shakespeare!

KEITH: Wew, I wouldn’t go that far, bat it’s pretty good!

DAMIEN: Oh, father! You’re so thick!

HEATHER B: [defensively] That’s no way to speak to your father!

KEITH: Yeah! Okay, le’s go out clabbin’!

DAMIEN: What, again?

KEITH: Yeah, we’re celebratin’ your name!

HEATHER B: Oh, Keefie! That’s so cool!

KEITH: Fank you my little angel! [snogs HEATHER BURDON]

DAMIEN: Oh, please, no…

[end of DREAM SEQUENCE]

JOHN: We’ve gotta stop ‘em before it’s too late!

HEATHER T: Too late for what?

JOHN: I’m doin’ this fer Damien!!!

PETE: ‘Oo the bleedin’ ‘ew is DAMIEN?

JOHN: A poor young man…

[suddenly…]

KEITH: [dressed as a dinosaur] RRAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEATHER B: Hahahaha!!!!! Oh, Keefie, I love you! You’re so ME!

KEITH: I love you too, dear gel! Wiw ya marry me?

HEATHER B: Of course I will! We can party forever!

KEITH: You can read my mind!

JOHN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH turn to him, stunned]

KEITH: Wot?

JOHN: You cahn’t get married! Fink of yer poor kids!

HEATHER B: The kids’ll be all right! Geddit?!

KEITH: Yeah! Hahaha!

JOHN: Pait, ewp me aht! Gerrem away from each avvah befow it’s too late!

PETE: Wot?

HEATHER T: But JOHNNY! You can’t stop people getting married!

JOHN: I’ve got to try! You’ll jast party too mach and you’ll ferget ta naim yer kids!

KEITH: Don’t be silly, Jun.

HEATHER B: Yeah, we aren’t having kids! We’re having fun!

KEITH: Yeah!

PETE: You’re right, Jun, we gotta stop ‘em befow it’s too late! You’re gonna ‘ave too mach fan!

KEITH: No we won’t!

HEATHER B: There’s no such thing!

KEITH: Precisely!

HEATHER T: Johnny! Please leave them!

JOHN: No, this is fer their own good. Pait, you knaw wot ta do?

PETE: Yeah!

[PETE and JOHN pick up HEATHER BURDON and KEITH respectively and drag them off.]

SCENE 3

[Open in a room in the museum. PETE and JOHN are sat at one side of a table, and HEATHER BURDON and KEITH are sat at the other side, making funny faces at each other, trying to see who will laugh first. PETE gets frustrated with them and yells at them to shut up. They do, and turn to him, looking quite scared]

PETE: You cahn’t do this! It’ll be a disahstah!

HEATHER B: How do you know?

JOHN: Keef cahn’t ‘ardly look arfta ‘imsewf, nevah maind YOU!

KEITH: That was a bit ancawed for, Jun!

[Suddenly]

EMILY: [bursting into the room] HEY!

ALL: [jump out of their skins] What?

EMILY: We’re going home!

HEATHER B, KEITH: Fank the dear lawd fer that! [look at each other] Hey that’s my line! Oh no it isn’t! [collapse into fits of laughter.]

PETE: [shaking his head] I give ap, I really do.

HEATHER B: You have no imagination!

PETE: I can do imagination! [turns to EMILY] M, can I do imagination?

EMILY: [laughs dirtily] Oh, yeah Pete, YOU can do imagination, hehehe. AHEM! You, er, didn’t hear that, what I just, didn’t say…

KEITH and HEATHER B: Eeeeeeewwwwww……

[Pete magically changes into a white suit and John changes into a black one. No change there than, but WAIT…]

PETE: You should knaw that I’m the evil Leadah Pait!

JOHN: An’ I’m Blackman, ‘oo saves the world from ‘im!

ROGER: [jumping in from nowhere] And I’m Hairman, armed wiv my jar of special Dippidy-Doo to ‘ewp Blackman save the world from Leadah Pait!!

HEATHER B and EMILY: What the hell…?

KATIE and HEATHER T: [coming through the door] We dunno… Huh?!

KEITH: I bet you alwaiys wandered ‘oo the Big Boss was! Wew, it’s MEEEEEEE!!!!! Buzz, buzzzzzzzzz, bbuuuzzzzzzzz!!!

HEATHER B: So that’s why that Waspman outfit is in your wardrobe.

[KEITH clamps a hand over HEATHER BURDON’S mouth]

KEITH: Sssshhhhh!!!! That was our secret!

HEATHER B: Oh, yeah… Sorry!

KEITH: ‘S okay.

[HEATHER BURDON and EMILY burst out laughing for reasons only known to themselves]

KEITH: WOT?! Wot did I saiy?

EMILY: Never mind.

JOHN: [in high falsetto scream] STOOOOOPPPPPPP!!!!

[everyone covers their ears with their hands]

ALL: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!! What?!

JOHN: If Keef’s the Big Boss, then…... does that mean we ‘ave to do as ‘e says?

ROGER: Cor blimey, Jun, you’re right!

PETE: Wew, I don’t cos I’m Leadah Pait!

JOHN: Yeah… ‘Ey, Rog, shall we join Leadah Pait an’ staht ap a rebellion against Big Boss?

ROGER: Sounds laik fan!

KEITH: No, it doesn’t! You dunno wot fan is! I ‘ave fan, I’m Keef Moon, a.k.a Big Boss, buzzzzzzzzzzz…

KATIE: [to the other girls] Well, what do we do about them?

HEATHER B: Dunno. WAIT! I know!

EMILY: But you just said you didn’t… oh, I give up…

HEATHER B: Shall we tell them?

KATIE: No, we shouldn’t. They’ll never believe it.

HEATHER T: But they’ll have to when we show them!

EMILY: Heather, umm, English one, what good will that do?

HEATHER B: We can stop it before it gets out of hand!

KATIE: She’s right, you know!

EMILY: Okay then. Ready?

[THE GIRLS nod]

HEATHER T: Okay. One… two… three…

[THE GIRLS suddenly change into superhero outfits]

EMILY: GLOW GIRLS TO THE RESCUE!

HEATHERS B and T, KATIE: YEAAAH!

KEITH: Wot the bladdy ‘ew…? Buzzzz…

PETE: Eh?!

JOHN: Bat, I’m Blackman!

ROGER: Don’t even FINK of nickin’ my Dippidy-Doo!

KATIE: That’s the only thought that’s kept me going!

EMILY: Okay, that’s ENOUGH!! I’m Queen Spem, armed with my secret weapon of my GREEN EYES WHICH HYPNOTISE PEOPLE!!!

HEATHER T: I’m Spevgirl! And my job is to stop LoonySpev from going insane and taking the world over! I do this with the aid of my amazing marching skills!

PETE: Bat, ‘ow the ‘ew does THAT ‘ewp ya?

HEATHER T: It doesn’t really, it just looks better.

PETE: Oh.

KATIE: I’m Spatey! And I help Spevgirl with the aid of my amazing sharp wit to overcome LoonySpev!

HEATHER B: I’m LoonySpev, and I try to make the world go insane with the aid of my major insanity and larger than life personality! AHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

KEITH: I fink I could really get to laik, you, LoonySpev! I know! Le’s get togevvah and take the world ovah on our own! Buzzzz…

HEATHER B: What a great idea!

KATIE: I think our plan is backfiring!

EMILY: It isn’t. I know what LoonySpev’s doing! [gazes at PETE] Leader Pete, shall we all just make up and go home?

PETE: No, I don’t see why… [looks into EMILY’S hypnotic green eyes and goes all funny] Er, of course we should, great idea.

EMILY: Good boy. That’s him taken care of!

HEATHER T: [marches up to John] Come on you, let’s go home, hup two three four…

JOHN: Bat, wait!

HEATHER T: You gotta keep up with me or else you’re out!

JOHN: Oh, bat that’s so unfair!

HEATHER T: Life’s not fair, boy!

JOHN: I love it when you say that, it‘s so morbid! [marches after her]

HEATHER T: My job’s done!

KATIE: Hey, Rogie! Why did the chicken cross the road?

ROGER: Dunno.

KATIE: To get to the other side!

ROGER: Wew, that sounds fair enough, I fink it’s a good reason to cross the road, to get to the avvah side!

KATIE: Oh, my dear lord… I give up!

HEATHER B: No, Spatey! Tell him my favourite one!

KATIE: Okay! Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together then!

ROGER: [bursts into uncontrollable laughter] Oh, Katie that’s hilarious!

HEATHER B: That wasn’t my favourite one!

KATIE: Yes, Heather, but this is a family show.

HEATHER B: Oh. Okay!

[KATIE picks ROGER up, puts him over her shoulder and carries him home]

HEATHER B: Come on, Big Boss, I’ll race you home!

KEITH: Bat, I don’t wannah go ‘ome!

HEATHER B: I’ll make it worth your while!

KEITH: Wew, when ya put it laik THAT… [races after HEATHER BURDON]

[And so they all went home, happy because a) HEATHER BURDON and KEITH decided they wouldn’t get married after all and b) they all decided to become a big band of superheroes, like the Power Rangers, only cool…]

THE END