[Open on THE WHO’s living room. ROGER is sat watching television, PETE is playing his guitar and JOHN is brooding in his brooding spot. KEITH is sat next to ROGER, gagged and bound, struggling to get free and humming ‘Rule Britannia’ very loudly. Nobody seems to be taking any notice of him.]

ROGER: [to PETE] Eh, it’s rahvah quiet nah you’ve shat Keef ap, innit? ‘Ow did ya manage it?

PETE: Wew, it was really easy -

KEITH: (Various angry-sounding muffled noises)

PETE: Wot did ya saiy, Keef? [loosens gag]

KEITH: [shouting at ROGER] YA STUPID BLOND BIMBO! ‘E BLADDY GAGGED ME! AN’ ‘E SAT ME NEXT TO YA!! ‘OW COULD YA NOT NOTICE THAT?!?!

ROGER: I was watching the telly.

KEITH: [mutters] Dozy git…

ROGER: OI!!! I ‘EARD THAT!

JOHN: [snapping out of his brooding session] Wiw you aw please jast KEEP THE NOISE DAHN!

PETE, ROGER and KEITH: ‘M surry.

JOHN: Good.

KEITH: Eh, Pait, can I go naw? This bein’ sat dahn isn’t ‘alf doin’ me ‘ead in!

PETE: No you bladdy wew can not. You gotta sit dahn fer faive minutes an’ then ya can go.

KEITH: Bat PAIT!

PETE: No bats, Keef!

ROGER: [panicking] BATS? BATS?!? Where? I never knew we ‘ad bats! ‘Orrible mingin’ little fings. Wot’re they meant ta BE ennywaiy? Mice? Birds? Wew?!

KEITH: [rolling his eyes] Rogah, you’re even more stupid than I fort you were. An’ I never fort that was possibuw…

PETE: Keef, that wasn’t naice! True, bat, not naice. [starts to giggle]

ROGER: Wot? Wot did I saiy?

KEITH: [sighs] Aw, nevah bladdy maind… Pait, I really ‘AVE ta go!

PETE: No, ya down’t, Keef. I only want ya ta sit dahn fer annavah four an’ a ‘alf minutes.

KEITH: I down’t fink me bladder can lahst that long.

PETE: Oh, my dear lawd… Jast, ferget it. Jast go, do wotevah it is you’re doin’. Jast, go.

[KEITH jumps up from his seat like a bat out of hell and falls flat on his face]

KEITH: [moving his face from the floor just enough to make his speech more clear] Er, Pait, can ya untie me please?

PETE: Oh, ‘m surry. [unties Keith, who legs it to the bathroom with a loud cry of ‘FREEDOM!’ and twenty seconds later is out again] Did ya worsh ya ‘ands?

KEITH: Yes, mavvah. Can we go aut?

JOHN: No.

PETE: OI! ‘Oo’s the leader of this band o’ ‘andsome yang men? NOT YOU!

ROGER: Wew, ‘oo is it, then?

PETE: Wew, me. I wrait the songs.

ROGER: Oh. Wew, can we go aut then?

PETE: No.

[ROGER and KEITH start whining at the same time about Pete being unfair and that they can never have any fun etc etc etc until PETE and JOHN both put their hands over their ears]

PETE and JOHN: SHAT AP!

KEITH: NO! Not antiw ya let as go aut!

PETE: [sighs and rolls his eyes in despair] Where jew wannah go, Moonie?

KEITH: I wanna go ta the park.

ROGER: The PARK? You get the offah of goin’ anywhere in the world, an’ you wannah go to the PARK?

KEITH: Yeah. I wanna go on the swings and jamp orf and go on the rahndabout and frow ap everywhere!

JOHN: Wot a pleasant image that’s jast created in my mind.

PETE: [to the camera] The fing is, Jun’s got sach a warped maind as it is, none of as knaw if he was bein’ serious or not!

ROGER: ‘Oo are ya tawkin’ to, Pait?

PETE: The audience, they maight not ‘ave known that abaht Jun, ‘m jast informin’ them ta maik the plot easier to andahstand.

ROGER: Plot? Ya mean, sambody awready knows wot’s gonnah ‘appen at the park?

PETE: Yeah.

ROGER: Woah, freaky. Will I puw?

VOICE OF AUTHOR: Is the Pope religious?

ROGER: Dunno, ‘m a Cafflick.

KEITH: Bladdy ‘ew Rog! Is this stupidity an act?

ROGER: Apparently it is, I nevah fort it was antiw naw.

PETE: Aw the world’s a staige, an’ the people in it merely players.

KEITH: Eh, Pait, that was pretty good!

PETE: Fanks. It’s Shakespeare.

KEITH: Wew, I wouldn’t go THAT far, bat it was pretty good.

[PETE looks confused]

JOHN: C’mon, le’s go if we’re goin’.

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 2

[Open on a children’s park near THE WHO’s house. There are swings, slides, a see-saw and a roundabout. There are also four girls stood by the fence, talking to each other. They notice THE WHO coming and pretend not to be bothered, although the tall brunette English one has to stifle a scream]

ROGER: Eh, look! Gels! Jast laik the Aufor said!

PETE: FOUR of ‘em…

KEITH: You knaw wot that means.

JOHN: One each!

[They all snigger and walk up to the girls]

KEITH: ‘Ello, dear gels, my naim is Keef -

Brunette English One: Moon. Keith Moon, and you’re the drummer with The Who and YOU’RE GORGEOUS! [blushes a bright shade of purple] Ahem. [mutters] You didn’t hear that, what I just, didn’t say…

KEITH: Dear gel, I laik your style! Wot’s yer naim?

B.E.O: Heather Burdon. This red-headed young lady’s called Emily Leitch, the girl with her is her sister Katie and the blonde girl is ALSO called Heather, but I’m English so we don’t get confused so easily, plus her surname’s Tork, so we can distinguish one from another. They’re all on holiday from America.

[They all introduce themselves and say ‘hi’.]

ROGER: [to KATIE, laying the charm on thickly] ‘Ow long’re ya dahn ‘ere for?

KATIE: [blushes] Umm, ‘till next week.

ROGER: [grins] Plenny of taim ta get ta knaw each othah, innit?

KATIE: Umm, yeah, I guess…

PETE: [to EMILY, who keeps trying to look uninterested in him but fails miserably] Er, so, er, you laik music?

EMILY: [trying not to gush] Yes, I do… [giving up] I LOVE your music! I especially love when you do those leaps in the air and stuff and I LOVE IT WHEN YOU POUT!!!

PETE: [backing off, looking petrified] Fanks. You really fink so? [smiling now, starting to like this crazy girl]

EMILY: Oh, YES! It’s marvellous! And you’re just GREAT… [sighs, enraptured by Pete’s nose] Especially in the Substitute video, y’know when you have your back to the camera and… [squeals]

PETE: Fanks! Umm, Emily, isn’t it?

EMILY: Yeah, but call me M, everyone else seems to.

PETE: Okaiy, M…. [sighs contentedly]

JOHN: ‘Iya, ‘Evvah Tork.

HEATHER T: Oh, just call me Heath, everyone else does.

JOHN: Okaiy. So, ‘Ev. Er, ‘ow are ya?

HEATHER T: All the better for seeing you!

JOHN: [highly impressed] You wanna go fer a drink samwhere?

HEATHER T: Sure. What, now?

JOHN: Why not?

HEATHER T: Okay then.

JOHN: C’mon everyone, le’s go fer a drink!

HEATHER B: Okay, come on Moonie.

[KEITH pouts]

KEITH: I nevah got ta frow ap!

HEATHER B: [pulls a face] Never mind, eh? Another time. I’ll come with you. Sounds like LOADS of fun!

KEITH: REALLY? [impressed that someone is as sad as him]

HEATHER B: Oh yeah. But let’s go now, eh?

KEITH: Oooooohhhhhhhh….

[HEATHER B raises an eyebrow at him]

HEATHER B: Come ON!

KEITH: Okaiy. [takes HEATHER B’s outstretched hand and follows her. PETE, ROGER and JOHN look shocked]

PETE: Oh, my dear lawd! Keef did as ‘e was told…

ROGER: Bladdy ‘ew, is that possibuw?

JOHN: Well, I nevah did!

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 3

[Open on the inside of a small café. Everyone has quickly paired up with each other which is very cosy. M and PETE are talking about the themes of Tommy and whether Tommy should have died at the end or not. JOHN and HEATHER TORK are gazing at each other in a sort of dreamy fashion. This is the first time in ages JOHN has been quiet without brooding. KATIE is trying her best to keep ROGER off her but soon realises his nickname isn’t ‘Mr. Octopus’ for nothing, so gives up trying. HEATHER BURDON and KEITH are debating on whether to start a food fight or not.]

KEITH: Wew, it’d liven fings ap a bit.

HEATHER B: Yeah, but we’d get thrown out.

KEITH: ‘Ave you evah been frown aut of ennywhere befow?

HEATHER B: [indignantly] No I flamin’ well have NOT!

KEITH: I won’t get frown aut, not wiv my ayes.

[HEATHER B nods in agreement. Those eyes…]

HEATHER B: I see what you mean. Okay then, but if you’re SURE we won’t get thrown out…

KEITH: Trast me, ‘m a drammah!

[HEATHER B looks at him suspiciously, but shrugs]

CUT TO -

SCENE 4

[Open on the inside of a prison cell. KATIE is sat in ROGER’S lap, looking scared, HEATHER TORK and JOHN are holding hands, also looking rather scared, PETE and EMILY are cuddling each other tightly, looking terrified and HEATHER BURDON and KEITH are playing cards, looking like they don’t have a care in the world]

ROGER: [to KEITH] Keef, why dija ‘ave ta get as frown aut an’ intah jail?

KEITH: [looking up] Fort it’d be fan! [to HEATHER B] Okaiy, ‘ave you got Mr. Plod the Policeman?

HEATHER B: [bursts out laughing] No I do not, you fruit loop!

[KEITH smiles at her, she gulps loudly]

PETE: Wew, ‘ow are we gonnah get aut of this place?

JAILER: [sings] We gotta get out o’ this place, if it’s the last thing we EVER do!

HEATHER B: Damn right! C’mon, Moonie babes, any bright ideas?

KEITH: [shakes his head and pouts more than usual] Nope… [suddenly a light bulb flashes above his head] I know! Umm, nobody’s got any drams knockin’ abaht, do they?

HEATHER T: [dryly] This is Hollywood, what do YOU think?

[a set of drums, microphone, bass guitar and electric guitar magically appear in the cell]

KEITH: GREAT! C’mon, le’s plaiy a song!

ROGER: Wot good wiw THAT do?

KEITH: Fink abaht it… Ah, nevah maind, we ain’t got that long. Pait, you know wot ta do at the end o’ the song?

PETE: Yeah, course I do… [realising what KEITH’s plan is] Oh my GAWD! Keef Jun Moon, you are not jast a pretty faice! ER, not that I fort you was that particularly pretty fer a bloke ennywaiy… [blushes]

EMILY: [to PETE] you look so cute when you blush!

PETE: [grins happily] Fanks! Wot song shall we plaiy?

EMILY and HEATHER T: THE SEEKER!

KATIE: MY GENERATION!

HEATHER B: SUBSTITUTE! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! BUCKET T.!!!

KEITH: [to HEATHER B] Fanks fer the compliment, dear gel! [winks]

[HEATHER B faints]

EMILY: Heath? Heath? HEATHER! WAKE UP! [slaps HEATHER B around the face]

HEATHER B: [sitting up] Sorry, I, er tripped…

KATIE: Heather, you were standing still.

HEATHER B: Yeah, well sometimes the earth spins so quickly I lose my balance!

[KATIE, PETE and JOHN sigh in despair, everyone else except ROGER - who didn’t get it - laughs. THE WHO break out into a quick rendition of Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere, and at the end PETE starts smashing his guitar up. KEITH starts to smash his drum kit up, and right at the end he blows his bass drum up. He uses so many cherry bombs that the cell door blows open, and in the confusion, everyone can sneak out and escape.]

HEATHER B: Oh, Moonie, you’re my hero! [gives him huge snog]

KEITH: Fank you!

ROGER: Yeah, fanks Keef, that was ingenious on your part.

[Everyone looks startled]

ALL: WHAT did you say?!

PETE: Rogah’s been readin’ the dictionary!

JOHN: [proudly] Oh, Rogah, ‘m proud o’ ya! Wot a big word… ‘ingenious’!

[And so they all went back to THE WHO’s house, happy because a) they weren’t in prison, and b) they realised ROGER could say big words like ‘ingenious’ and know what they meant]

THE END