[Open on the outside of a cinema in London. THE WHO have taken THE GIRLS out for the evening to celebrate their one week anniversary of knowing each other. ROGER is gazing at himself through the windows, while KATIE is trying to brush his hair for him. PETE and EMILY are deciding what film to watch while keeping an eye on the rest of the mad lot (i.e. HEATHER BURDON and KEITH). JOHN and HEATHER TORK are discussing the finer points of brooding until HEATHER gets bored and kisses JOHN to shut him up. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON are chasing each other down the road, playing ‘tig’ and singing “I’m Free” loudly and out of tune.]
KEITH: ‘Ey ‘Ev! Guess ‘oo I’m bein’?
HEATHER B: Who?
KEITH: Wew, imagine me wiv big ‘air an’ a fringe jacket -
HEATHER B: Actually you’d look rather cute with a fringe jacket… Anyway, carry on!
KEITH: Okay. “Peepuw try put us d-d-d-d-d-DOWN… oh, look, it’s me in the mirror. I’m fick!” ‘Oo am I bein’?
HEATHER B: [squeals in delight] ROGER!
ROGER: Wot?
HEATHER B: Umm, never mind, not you. Well, then if you’re Roger can I be Ann-Margret?
KEITH: Yeah, but I’d rahvah you tried ta be Ancuw Ernie!
HEATHER: Ooooh, don’t tempt me… [to EMILY] Hey, M, what are we going to see?
EMILY: Not decided yet. What about the new Alfred Hitchcock one?
HEATHER B: No, Alfred Hitchcock scares me!
KEITH: ‘S okay, dear gel, I’ll look arfta ya! You can caddaw intah me if ya get scared!
HEATHER B: [nods head vigorously, liking the sound of that idea] Okay! C’mon, let’s go in!
HEATHER T: [allowing JOHN up for air] Good idea, it’s
getting rather cold out here, isn’t it?!
[JOHN gasps something incoherent]
[Exeunt all]
SCENE 2
[Open on the inside of the cinema. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON sit in the middle of the row, armed with large boxes of popcorn. PETE and EMILY follow them, and sit down next to them. ROGER, KATIE, JOHN and HEATHER TORK follow suit. The lights darken and the film begins. All is silent except for the scary music and a few scared whimpers by HEATHER BURDON]
HEATHER B: [whispers] I’m glad you’re here Moonie!
KEITH: [whispers] Me too!
[Suddenly…]
EMILY: [screams] Who the bloody hell groped me?!
KEITH: It wasn’t me! Unless you’re ‘Evvah!
HEATHER B: No, it’s definitely me you’re groping!
KEITH: Phew!
ROGER: Oh, I’m sorry, M, I fort you was Kait!
EMILY: [face softening] Oh, it’s okay, Rogie, as long as it’s you!
KATIE and PETE: WHADDYA MEAN, “AS LONG AS IT’S YOU”?!
EMILY: Umm, you didn’t hear that, what I just, didn’t say…
KATIE: [indignantly] We DID! EMILY! I’m surprised at you!
PETE: [angrily] An’ as fer you Rogah, maikin’ a move on my gelfriend, wew, that’s jast chahmin’, that is!
ROGER: Bat, I nevah meant ta! I fort it was Kait!
KEITH: [to HEATHER BURDON] Is this taim ta staht a popcorn fight?
HEATHER B: I think so, dear boy!
KEITH: [grins wickedly and winks The Wink at her] Wew, ‘ere we go then!
[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON start throwing popcorn at the rest of them, who immediately retaliate and throw popcorn back at them. A huge popcorn fight ensues. JOHN becomes shockingly animated during the fight and ends up scattering popcorn everywhere]
HEATHER T: JOHNNY! That was naughty!
JOHN: ‘Ev, we’re in a fight, we’re meant ta be naughty!
HEATHER T: Oh…
[Suddenly an angry looking official man walks up to them]
ANGRY LOOKING OFFICIAL MAN: [shouts angrily] Excuse me, do you MIND shutting up and sitting down?
KEITH: An’ ‘oo are you ta be makin’ sach ‘uge demahnds on our persons?
HEATHER B: Hey, Keefie, that was pretty good!
KEITH: Fanks!
A.L.O.M: I’m the owner of this cinema!
JOHN: Yeah, right, an’ Pait’s nose is smaw!
EMILY: It’s a cute nose, don’t be nasty! [throws more popcorn at JOHN]
JOHN: OI! [throws popcorn back at her]
A.L.O.M: Okay, so I don’t OWN the cinema, but I know the guy who does!
KEITH: [sarcastically] Wew, ain’t that pretty? We knaw The Beatles, bat we don’t shaut abaut it!
HEATHER B: But what about yesterday when we were going through town at 3 a.m. shouting -
KEITH: [glaring at HEATHER BURDON] That’s beside the point, ‘Ev!
HEATHER B: Sorry!
KEITH: I fergive ya! C’mere! [cuddles HEATHER BURDON tightly]
A.L.O.M: Er, as I was saying -
KEITH: OI! Jew maind? I’m maikin’ ap wiv my gelfriend! Plaise! A birrov peace wouldn’t go amiss ‘ere!
A.L.O.M: Sorry. [waits patiently for a few minutes]
KEITH: Okay, you can carry on naw.
A.L.O.M: Thank you. As I was saying, if you don’t all sit down and shut up and stop distracting the other people in here -
PETE: Wot avvah peepuw?
[everyone looks around the empty cinema]
A.L.O.M: Er, that’s beside the point. If you don’t, then I shall be forced to have you thrown out and banned from this cinema.
ROGER: We’ve bin frown aut o’ bettah plaices than this damp, Mr. Simpson!
ALL: WHAT?!?!
HEATHER B: [showing her grammar skills off] WHO!
PETE: Naw, that’s as!
HEATHER B: [rolls her eyes] I give up!
A.L.O.M: REVEREND Simpson!
ROGER: Same fing!
PETE:,/B> Weren’t you in my Rock Opera?
REV. SIMPSON: Yeah. So?
PETE: So you’re my invention.
REV. SIMPSON: Well, you have a point…
PETE: So you ‘ave ta do wot I say!
REV. SIMPSON: I suppose so…
PETE: Right. WEW THEN SHAT AP AN’ GET AUT!
EMILY: I love it when you’re authoritative, Petey, it’s so cute!
PETE: [grins] Fanks!
REV. SIMPSON: But remember who I know!
PETE: Wew, I don’t care cos I prob’ly invented ‘im too!
[Exit REV. SIMPSON]
EMILY: Petey! You’re so cute when you’re angry, c’mere! [snogs PETE]
PETE: [clears his throat] Fanks… [grins] Naw, le’s get back ta the film!
[They all turn back to the screen in time to see the end credits going up]
ALL: Bladdy ‘ew!
JOHN: That was Keef an’ ‘Evvah Burdon’s fault!
KEITH, HEATHER B: It wasn’t!
JOHN: You stahted the fight!
KEITH: We nevah!
HEATHER B: Roger groped M!
ROGER: Bat I nevah meant to!
KATIE: And M was the one who screamed, so…
EMILY: But it was you and Pete who got mad about it!
HEATHER T: Am I to blame in any way for this?
JOHN: Cowse, not sweetheart! Neivah of as are. We jast sat an’ brooded!
HEATHER T: Good. Can we go now?
HEATHER B: NO!
HEATHER T: But, Heath, I umm, need to get out of here.
HEATHER B: Why?
HEATHER T: Because there’s a huge spider crawling very quickly across the floor.
[all THE GIRLS scream and run out faster than a speeding bullet]
KEITH: Wimps!
JOHN: Yeah! C’mon, I’ll ‘ave ta kill it! [picks a book up off the floor and embeds the spider in the ground] ‘Ey! I could wrait a song abaht that!
PETE: No you couldn’t.
JOHN: You’ve written songs abaht less interestin’ staff!
PETE: True…
[Exeunt all]
SCENE 3
[Open on the outside of the cinema. THE WHO have joined THE GIRLS outside and are debating on what to do next]
PETE: Wew, we cahn’t go back to the pictures.
KEITH: Le’s go clabbin’!
HEATHER B: YEAH!
EMILY: Heath! You know what the rest of us think about drink and drugs!
HEATHER B: But M! I only want to dance!
EMILY: Oh. Well, all right then, but only an hour.
HEATHER B: Thanks!
JOHN: Cahn’t we do sammink ews?
HEATHER T: Like what?
KEITH: I refuse to brood!
HEATHER B: Me too.
JOHN: We could jast go ‘ome…
HEATHER T: Yeah, and be normal.
ROGER: That’d be naice.
PETE: Yeah.
KATIE: Normal? With Heather Burdon and Keith? I don’t think so!
HEATHER B, KEITH: You’ve got a point there, dear gel!
HEATHER B: Well, we could go home and decide what to do for our next adventure!
KEITH: ‘Evvah Louise Burdon you are NOT jast a pretty face!
HEATHER B: What else am I?
KEITH: Clevah! And [laughs dirtily] I’ll tell ya laitah!
HEATHER T: Okay, I’m too young to hear it!
HEATHER B: So am I!
[Everyone laughs]
[And so they all went home, happy because a) PETE had shown how cute he looked when he was angry and b) JOHN got inspiration for a new song.]
CAST
KEITH MOON - as himself
PETE TOWNSHEND - as himself
JOHN ENTWISTLE - as himself
ROGER DALTREY - as himself
HEATHER BURDON - Heather Wainwright
HEATHER TORK - Heather Spears
EMILY LEITCH - Emily Lizzi
KATIE LEITCH - Katie Lizzi
REVEREND SIMPSON - Sir Alec Guinness
THE SPIDER - Boris