The Who’s Scary Adventure

[Open on the inside of a busy supermarket. THE WHO have been dragged out by THE GIRLS to get the weekly shopping in. ROGER wants some Dippidy-Doo for his scary golden curls, so KATIE is helping him find some.]

KATIE: No, Rogie, you’ll find Dippidy-Doo in the Toiletries section, not Household Utensils!

ROGER: Bat, Kait! Dippidy-Doo works wandahs on everyfink!

[PETE and EMILY are looking for bread so they disappear. JOHN and HEATHER TORK also disappear to look for some vegetables which may look as though they’re brooding. Which just leaves KEITH and HEATHER BURDON…]

KEITH: ‘Ey, ‘Ev, look! [beckons HEATHER BURDON towards him]

HEATHER B: What? OH WOW!! ICE-CREAM! PEEEEEEEEEETTE!

PETE: [appearing from nowhere] Wot?

KEITH and HEATHER BURDON: Can we get some ice-cream, can we, can we can we can we can we can we can we can we CAN WE?! PLLEEEEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSSSSEEEE??? [give PETE puppy dog stares]

PETE: No, no ice-cream, remember wot ‘appened wiv the chocolate!

KEITH: Ah, bat PAIT! We NEED ice-cream, for the saik of our own dear souls! [continues to gaze at him]

PETE: Keef, that won’t work!

HEATHER B: Please Pete! [gazing at him. The two sets of big brown eyes staring at him just sends him to pieces]

PETE: Oh, go on then, wotevah. Bat you’re payin’ fer it!

KEITH: [producing a £5 note from his pocket] We wiw!

[Exit PETE]

HEATHER B: Hang on, Keith, you’re skint…

KEITH: Yeah, bat Pait’s not…

HEATHER B: You naughty boy! [giggles]

KEITH: Ah, bat I’m cute!

HEATHER B: I don’t know, what am I to do with you?

KEITH: I could fink o’ one or two fings!

HEATHER B: I KNOW!

KEITH: Wot?

HEATHER B: Let’s play hide and seek!

KEITH: [putting the ice-cream back into the cabinet] That’s a great idea, ‘Ev! Okay, you’re on.

HEATHER B: How many to?

KEITH: A handred.

HEATHER B: [panicking] But, Keefie, I can’t count that far!

KEITH: Wew, where can yer count ter?

HEATHER B: 14.

KEITH: [incredulously] 14?

HEATHER B: Well 13’s an unlucky number! [turns away from KEITH] 1, er… 4, no, er, umm, ahh…

VOICE OF AUTHOR: 2!

HEATHER B: [looks around to see who said it] Er, thanks. 1, 2, 3, 4…

[Some time later]

SHOP ASSISTANT: Er, excuse me, madam, but we’re closing now.

HEATHER B: SHHHH! I’m trying to concentrate here! 11, 12, 13… er… ohh. Dammit, what’s after 13?

SHOP ASSISTANT: 14.

HEATHER B: Really? [totally delighted] Oh I never thought I’d get this far! THANKYOU! [calling to KEITH] COMING READY OR NOT!

KEITH: [sarcastically] Oh, I fink I’ve managed ter ge’ ready!

HEATHER B: Oh. Where are you?

KEITH: I’m ‘idin’, yer pillock!

HEATHER B: [concerned] Hiding? What from?

KEITH: From you!

HEATHER B: From ME? Why, what’ve I done?

KEITH: [exasperated] BLADDY ‘EW ‘EV! We’re playin’ ‘ide an’ seek! I’m ‘idin’, an’ you’re seekin’! Fer Gawd’s sake!

HEATHER B: We are? Oh.

KEITH: [jumping off the lemonade shelf] ‘Ev, I’m really warried abaht ya. I’m gonna taik you ‘ome an’ try an’ ge’ you back ter ‘ow yer was!

HEATHER B: Okay then [allowing herself to be led away by KEITH]

[Exeunt all]

SCENE 2

[Open on THE WHO’s living room. Enter KEITH and HEATHER BURDON]

KEITH: ‘Ey, everyone, I’m really warried abaht ‘Evvah! She’s not seemin’ ter be ‘ersewf!

EMILY: [worried] Really? In what way?

KEITH: She’s goin’ as fick as Rogah! An’ I nevah fort anyone could evah be that fick!

KATIE: [indignantly] ROGIE ISN’T THICK! Just… uh… academically challenged…

PETE: Ain’t that the same fing?

KATIE: No it is not!

JOHN: [stopping brooding] It is. [returning to brooding]

ROGER: Wew, I dunno wot could be wrong!

KEITH: [sarcastically] Wew, if Mr. Brain of Britain cahn’ fink o’ wot could be wrong wiv ‘er, then she’ll nevah be cured!

EMILY: Don’t say that! What about Tommy? He got cured after going through the mirror!

KEITH: [cuddling HEATHER BURDON tightly] If you fink fer one second I’m gonna frow my ‘Evvah inter a mirror then yi’ve got annavah fing cammin’!

EMILY: Well, I mean, maybe it’ll take something really strange to cure her!

PETE: ‘Ey, M might ‘ave a point!

ROGER: Y’know, I was wanderin’ wot ‘appened ter my Dippidy-Doo. I’ve always said it works wandahs on anyfink! Maybe that’ll cure ‘er!

KEITH: Oh, don’ be stupid, it’ll probably do more ‘arm than good… WAIT!

ALL: What?!

KEITH: Rogah’s Dippidy-Doo! That’s it! [running to the cupboard and taking a half-empty jar out] This could be the ‘ole fing!

EMILY: What are you talking about, Keith?

KEITH: Can’t yer see?

ROGER: [sings] See me, feel me, touch me, heal me…

KATIE: Oh, Rogie, that was beautiful!

PETE: Fanks, I wrote it!

EMILY: Oh, Pete, you’re so clever!

PETE: Fanks! [blushes]

KEITH: Oh, fer Gawd’s sake! We ain’t go’ taim ter be cavowtin’! We gotta ‘ewp my ‘Evvah! [To HEATHER BURDON] ‘Ev, wot’s this?

ROGER: It’s my Dippidy-Doo!

KEITH: Shh! Evvah?

HEATHER B: [looking at the jar] Oh, I dunno, but it’s lovely on toast!

KEITH: Wot?

HEATHER B: Toast. Try some on toast, it’s delicious!

KEITH: I might jast do that!

PETE: Oh, my dear lawd! Evvah’s got Dippidy-Doo poisonin’!

EMILY: Oh NO!

HEATHER T: She’s got what? How did she manage that?!

ROGER: She’s been eatin’ my Dippidy-Doo! That’s expensive staff!

HEATHER T: [pulls a John ‘I’m-not-impressed-at-all’ face] Gross!

JOHN: She’d ‘ave bin better orf jast broodin’ laik me an’ my ‘Evvah!

KEITH: She’d ‘ave never ‘ad any fan, though!

JOHN: [loftily] Broodin’ can be fan, dependin’ on wot you brood abaht!

KEITH: Yeah, bat that ‘as anavvah name! [sniggering dirtily]

HEATHER T: What other name?

KEITH: Oh, never mind, you’re too yang!

HEATHER T: Oh…

EMILY: Hey! How do we cure poor old Heather Burdon?

HEATHER B: OI! Less of the ‘old’!

EMILY: Sorry.

HEATHER B: [doing a perfect impersonation of ROGER, singing] Nothin’ gets in my way, not even locked doors, been followin’ lines never laid before…

KEITH: Dear lawd, she’s turnin’ inter Rogah!

ROGER: She’s singin’ really wew!

KEITH: [angrily] No she ain’t! She’s singin’ laik YOU! My Gawd, ‘Ev! Wot’s appenin’ ter yer ‘air?

[HEATHER BURDON starts to become blonde, and her once terribly straight hair becomes an abundance of curls]

EMILY: And your clothes!

[HEATHER BURDON grows a taupe leather fringe jacket and extremely tight matching leather trousers]

ROGER: ‘Evvah, I’ve nevah seen yer look so gowjas!

PETE: This is awfuw! ‘Evvah Burdon’s turned intah Rogah!

KEITH: I nevah realised your arse was that ‘uge, ‘Ev!

EMILY: Keith! That’s a terrible thing to say!

PETE: Actually, ‘e’s right.

EMILY: Oh, whatever you say then, Pete! [sighs] But, you’re right, this is awful! It took Tommy over twenty years to be cured!

KEITH: I can’ be bovvahed waitin’ that long!

KATIE: [shouting down HEATHER BURDON’s ear] Heathy can you hear me?

KEITH: [groping HEATHER BURDON] Can you feew me near you?

PETE: [tap-dancing in front of HEATHER BURDON] Heathy can you see me?

EMILY: [pulling out huge joke book] Can we help to cheer you?

ROGER: Ooooh!

ALL: Heathy? Heathy?

EMILY: We need Ann-Margret!

ROGER: [looking terrified] No, please, not ‘er! She scares me! She was aw ovah me in Tommy, an’ she was bein’ me mavvah! Anyone bat ‘er! No, please, not Ann-Margret! NOOOOOOOO!!!

HEATHER B: Hey! Oh, God, my head… [clutches head in agony and falls to the floor unconscious]

EMILY: Oh NO! What do we do?

KEITH: Er, I know! Give ‘er a bath!

KATIE: A bath?

KEITH: Get aw the Dippidy-Doo aut of ‘er, make ‘er frow ap a few taimes an’ she’w be fine!

[after following all KEITH’s instructions, needless to say, it didn’t work]

PETE: Wew, I dunno wot ter do. ‘Ang on! I’m gettin’ an idea!

JOHN: Oh, Gawd, no!

PETE: [scowling at JOHN] Rogah, wot’s really bad fer your ‘air?

ROGER: [pondering this for a second] Doppidy-Dee. That’s the opposite ter Dippidy-Doo. It dasn’t stick ennyfink an’ it dasn’t work wandahs on ennyfink eivah!

KEITH: Where jew buy it?

ROGER: There’s sam in the bathroom cabinet.

[KEITH dashes to the bathroom cabinet and takes out some Doppidy-Dee, rushes back to HEATHER BURDON and tries force-feeding it to her]

KEITH: [desperately] ‘Ev, please go back ter normaw!

PETE: [jokingly] She wasn’t that normaw ta begin wiv!

KEITH: [defensively] She was! She andastood me! I loved my old ‘Evvah!

HEATHER B: [waking up] Woah, that was a good trip! [looking down at herself] What the hell am I doing dressed up as Roger? [feeling her hair] And why is my hair so damn scary? Dear God, I’m blonde! What the hell’s going on?

PETE: You ate Rogah’s Dippidy-Doo by accident!

HEATHER B: Oh. How did I manage that?

ROGER: You ‘ad it on toast.

HEATHER B: Oh, that lovely stuff? THAT was Dippidy-Doo? Oh it was lovely, but if I end up like Roger then I don’t want it anymore!

ROGER: If it’s got crambs in it then you’re dead!

KEITH: [angrily] Are you freatinin’ my ‘Ev? Don’t even fink abaht it!

HEATHER B: I’m okay now, Keith, I can fight my own battles! But I’d rather not. C’mon, let’s go clubbing!

KEITH: Ah, that’s my ‘Ev, back to ‘er old sewf!

HEATHER B: OI! Less of the ‘old’!

KEITH: Wotevah you say, my angel!

[Exit HEATHER BURDON and KEITH, arm-in-arm]

[And so they left everyone there, happy because a) HEATHER BURDON was no longer turning into a second ROGER (which may have proved tragic had KATIE or KEITH become confused as to their identities…) and b) there was not one crumb to be found in any of ROGER’s Dippidy-Doo]

THE END