[Open on THE WHO’s spare room. KEITH and HEATHER BURDON are in charge of wallpapering the spare room, much to the objection of PETE, although he was happy to do the painting, being, as he was, an art student]
HEATHER B: Keith! Will you keep still, I’m trying to put this paper up!
[Enter ROGER armed with a large jar of Dippidy-Doo, with KATIE clinging on to his arm]
ROGER: ‘Ave no fear, Rogah’s ‘ere!
[HEATHER BURDON slaps KEITH]
KEITH: OW!
[Enter HEATHER TORK and JOHN]
JOHN: Me an’ my ‘Evvah ‘ave jast got the bed.
[Exit JOHN]
HEATHER T: I’d best follow him, you know how lonely he gets.
[Exit HEATHER TORK]
PETE: Jun don’t evah get lonely! ‘E alwaiys ends ap tellin’ as ter baggah orf!
[Enter EMILY]
EMILY: Hey everybody, I made the tea!
[Exeunt all]
SCENE TWO
[Open on THE WHO’s living room. Everyone is drinking tea except KEITH and HEATHER BURDON who are playing their favourite game of ‘Guess What I’m Thinking’]
KEITH: Okaiy, my turn. [gazes at HEATHER BURDON with a grin slyly playing on his lips]
[Exit HEATHER BURDON and KEITH to the spare bedroom where they shut the door tight]
PETE: That’s disgastin’!
[Loud giggles can be heard emerging from the room so PETE turns the stereo up higher to drown the scary noises out]
EMILY: I wonder what they’re doing in there?
[KATIE proceeds to beat PETE to a pulp for daring to make a pass at her sister]
KATIE: [furiously] SAY SORRY!
[PETE whimpers something incoherent]
KATIE: That’ll do.
[cut to]
SCENE THREE
[Open in an office. HEATHER TORK is stood in front of everyone with a big pad on an easel with a diagram on it]
HEATHER T: So, our mission, should we choose to accept it, is to retrieve copulating couple ‘A’ [points to a picture of KEITH and HEATHER BURDON snogging] from the spare room [points to a picture of the spare room].
[Everyone looks shocked that KATIE dared insult ROGER]
PETE: Wot’s yer plan?
[cut to]
SCENE FOUR
[Same setting as SCENE TWO]
EMILY: Can’t we just knock on the door?
[KEITH and HEATHER BURDON burst out laughing, and everyone else starts laughing as well, except ROGER, who didn’t get it]
PETE: Okaiy then, Miss Leitch, we’ll traiy it yahw waiy. If it don’t work, then it’s the cherry bombs.
[Everyone looks at each other hopefully]
HEATHER T: [suddenly remembering a Monkees episode and winking at KATIE and EMILY] Well now, I guess a fair thing to do is to, uh, draw straws!
[Everyone draws pictures of straws. After they’ve finished they see that PETE’s straw is decidedly shorter than everyone else’s]
JOHN: Aw, Pait, you drew the showt straw!
[HEATHER BURDON, EMILY, KATIE and HEATHER TORK promptly collapse on the floor in heaps of uncontrollable laughter]
JOHN: [to ROGER] I knew this’d ‘appen if we got involved wiv fans o’ the Mankais!
[KATIE slaps ROGER]
ROGER: Why’ve you becam so violent aw of a saddan, Kait?
[KATIE blushes and ignores EMILY]
KEITH: [innocently] They grow pot plahnts tergevvah an’ name them aw arfta fings in praivate jowks!
[Everyone starts staring at HEATHER BURDON]
HEATHER B: What?! What did I say?!
[And so they carried on bouncing till late in the night, happy because a) they discovered KEITH and HEATHER BURDON weren’t committing any rude acts in the house and b) PETE realised his brother wasn’t coming to stay until the following week]
THE END
CAST
KEITH MOON - as himself
KEITH: Surry, dahlin’. [moves out of the way]
HEATHER B: Now, if I hold it up, will you please paste it on with that brush thingy?
[KEITH nods]
KEITH: Okay, ready?
HEATHER B: Ready!
[HEATHER BURDON and KEITH promptly get tangled up in the wallpaper and end up covered in a sticky mixture of wallpaper and wallpaper paste]
KEITH: That was your fault, ‘Ev!
HEATHER B: It wasn’t! It was your fault!
KEITH: ME?! It was your fault!
HEATHER B: Wasn’t!
KEITH: Was!
HEATHER B: WASN’T! [throwing paste at KEITH]
KEITH: IT BLADDY WAS! [throwing paste at HEATHER BURDON. A great big wallpaper paste fight ensues in which Keith literally gets plastered by HEATHER BURDON]
HEATHER B: Now do you admit it?
KEITH: [panting] Nevah!
HEATHER B: What was that? [holding the paste bucket above KEITH’s head]
KEITH: Okaiy, okaiy, you win, it was my fault!
HEATHER B: What was?
KEITH: Can’t remember.
HEATHER B: Me neither! Drink?
KEITH: Got it wiv me! [pulls out a hip flask full of brandy from his back pocket and takes a swig] Want sam?
HEATHER B: Do I ever! [takes a swig] Courvoisier?
KEITH: Naturally, dear gel!
PETE: [storming in] Wiw you PLEASE get a move on, me bruvva’s cammin’ ovah ter staiy termorrah!
KEITH: Relax, dear boy!
KATIE: [swoons] Oh Rogie!
ROGER: I’ll soon ‘ave this ‘ole mess sowted aut!
HEATHER B: What are you going to do?
ROGER: Watch! [rolls out loads of wallpaper, globs some Dippidy-Doo onto each sheet and sticks them up on the wall perfectly]
KATIE: [sighs] My hero [kisses ROGER]
HEATHER B: I need to barf…
KEITH: Me too, let’s go!
HEATHER B: What?!
KEITH: The barfroom?
HEATHER B: No, I need to barf! As in throw up!
KEITH: Oh! I fort you meant you needed a barf as in complete wiv babbuw barf an’ rabbah dacks!
HEATHER B: I wouldn’t mind that actually…
KEITH: I wasn’t gonna say ennyfink ‘Ev, bat I fink ya need one…
PETE: Is it okaiy?
HEATHER T: [nods] It’s great, looks very comfortable.
JOHN: It’s not bad.
PETE: So are ya gonna ‘ewp as pat it in or wot?
JOHN: Nah, I’m gonna brood.
KEITH: I fort that too!
PETE: Fantastic! I’m gahspin’ fer a cappa tea!
HEATHER B: What do you mean, YOU’RE gaspin’?! We’re the ones who’ve done all the work!
ROGER: Erm, don’t ferget my Dippidy-Doo!
HEATHER B: [dryly] Could we ever?
EMILY: Look, do you want the tea or not?
ROGER: Yeah!
EMILY: Well come on then!
HEATHER B: Are you thinking what I’m thinking? [looks at KEITH intently]
KEITH: Yep!
HEATHER B: Come on then!
KEITH: [to the others] Jast checkin’ the bed!
ROGER: Totally ancawed for.
JOHN: I mysewf am deeply jealous!
HEATHER T: Oh Johnny! A quote!
JOHN: [confused] Wot?!
HEATHER T: [blushes] Umm, never mind…
KATIE: M! How many times do I have to tell you? When a man and a woman are very much in love -
ROGER: [intrigued] Yeah? Okaiy, is this the bit where they pay a visit ter sam birds an’ bees an’ arsk directions ter the stowk’s auhse?
KATIE: [confused] Umm… I dunno…
PETE: [with an evil grin on his face] Tew yer wot, M, I’ll show yer wot she means!
JOHN: This is doin’ my ‘ead in. We gotta fink of a plan ter get ‘em aut befow it really interferes wiv my broodin’!
PETE: [dryly] Oh an’ that’d nevah do, naw, would it?
JOHN: No.
HEATHER T: WAIT! I got an idea!
ROGER: I’m scared! I wanna go ‘ome!
KATIE: Rogie, don’t be such a wimp!
HEATHER T: Well [turns page over]. I think we should use these cherry bombs I found in Keith’s room [points to a picture of the cherry bombs] which are usually used for blowing up toilets [points to a picture of a toilet]. We could use the cherry bomb, sample ‘B’ [holds up a cherry bomb] in order to blow open door ‘C’ [points to a picture of the spare room door]. That way we could get in to the room and stop them doing whatever it is they’re doing!
EMILY: Wait!
ALL: What?
PETE: Wot?
JOHN: Are you insane?
ROGER: Aut o’ yahw maind?
HEATHER T: Delusional?
KATIE: Mildly psychotic?
PETE: In showt, totally bonkers?!
EMILY: [looks at everyone and shrugs] Yes. But hey, at least I’m not the one planning on decimating the house!
ROGER: Wot?
KEITH: [calling from the spare room] Oh down’t tew me ‘e’s gone deaf as wew as damb!
KATIE: Deal. But, uh, who’s gonna knock?
EMILY: Yeah! [hands out pens and paper - which magically appeared from nowhere, hell, that’s Hollywood for ya! - to everyone in the room]
KATIE: Okay everyone, draw straws!
PETE: [defensively] You shat ap! Naffink wrong wiv this straw! ‘S a bettah straw than the one you drew! Look, mine’s got psychedelic patterns aw ovah it, an’ wot’s yahws got? Bladdy stripes! That’s dead borin’, laik you!
JOHN: [angrily] You cam ‘ere an’ saiy that, yer big nosed git!
PETE: Okaiy, I wiw! [stops halfway through a step] ‘Ang on, you jast insalted my nose! Oh, I’m ‘urt! [runs off to his room in tears]
JOHN: Wimp!
ROGER: Shall I go?
HEATHER T: Yeah, you’re the short one, and in this type of mission, short is the key word!
KATIE: See, Rogie, I knew one day your height would make you important!
ROGER: Wew, I’ll do me best! [head grows in size dramatically as he saunters off to the spare room] Cam on, open ap! [bangs on the door loudly. Everyone else hides behind each other]
HEATHER B: [panting] Oh, do come in and join us, Rog!
KATIE: [screaming indignantly] HEATHER! How could you?! I thought you didn’t fancy him! You two-timing, double-crossing, cigar-smoking WHORE!
HEATHER B: Watch what you’re saying, Kate! I don’t SMOKE cigars!
HEATHER B: Anyway, you can come in too! In fact, everyone come and join in!
JOHN: Is this laik sam kaind of a blue movie?
ROGER: I ‘ope so!
KATIE: Well, it worked for Mr T!
ROGER: I see.
KEITH: [from inside the room] Are you cammin’ in or wot? I can’t stay in this position forevah!
EMILY: Well, here goes nothin’… [opens door with eyes shut. She hears squeals of delight around her and slowly opens her eyes. When she does she finds everyone bouncing on the bed having a grand old time] What, you mean, you guys were just bouncing on the bed the whole time?
KEITH: Cowse we were!
HEATHER B: [raising an eyebrow] Why, what did you think we were doing?
EMILY: [honestly] I dunno. Are you very much in love?
KEITH, HEATHER BURDON: [looking at each other and grinning] Yes.
EMILY: Well, now I know! [to KATIE] Katie, what IS it a man and woman do when they’re very much in love?
HEATHER B: And they play Scrabble and Chess and Monopoly a lot, in fact they have tournaments that last months sometimes.
PETE: [calls from outside the door] I’m not cammin’ in till I get an apology!
JOHN: Jast get yer arse in ‘ere, Tahnshend!
PETE: That’ll do. [runs into the bedroom and starts jumping on the bed with everyone else]
PETE TOWNSHEND - as himself
JOHN ENTWISTLE - as himself
ROGER DALTREY - as himself
HEATHER BURDON - Heather Wainwright
HEATHER TORK - Heather Spears
EMILY LEITCH - Emily Lizzi
KATIE LEITCH - Katie Lizzi
BED - Provided by Bouncy Castles R Us Ltd
WINDOW CLEANER OUTSIDE THE OFFICE - Mick Avory