“Okay, fellahs, this ain’t fanny anymore,” Roger yelled, angrily. “’Oo’s ‘ad it?” he demanded, his little body shaking with rage. He received only blank looks in reply from Keith and John.
“Where’s wha’?” asked Keith, totally confused.
“Yeah, wot tha bladdy ‘ew are you on abaht nah, Daltrey?” John inquired, wishing he could run off and brood with Boris.
“Me bladdy mirror, that’s wot!” Roger answered, still angry. “I know sambody’s ‘ad it, an’ it ain’t me, an’ it cahn’t be Boris, ‘oo is it? Moonie, was it you?” Keith looked at him, shocked he would even suspect Keith of such a thing!
“Cowse it wasn’t me! Wot jew fink I am? A Mirror feef or sammink?” he answered indignantly. Mad, insane, fond of a drink and a drug or three he was, a mirror thief he was not, and he was upset that one of his best friends could suspect him of it. “Nah, I coulda nicked ennyfink off you fer a gigguw, the lahst fing I’d evah nick off ya would be that bladdy mirror! It’s laik samone taikin’ my brandy off me!” he told him, his voice squeaking every few words. Roger shook his head.
“I know mait, I’m sorry. Wew, was it you, Jun?” he asked him. John shook his head.
“Wot the ‘ew would I want wiv a mirror? ‘Ow would that ‘ewp me in my broodin’ activities? I don’t brood abaht the pros an’ cons o’ yahw mirror y’knaw!” he answered, equally indignantly.
“Wew, wot DO ya brood abaht, then?” asked Keith and Roger together.
“Never you mind,” came the reply.
All of a sudden, Pete came in, holding ROGER’S MIRROR! He was posing in front of it, looking at his face on both sides, front on, smiling, y’know, the usual. Roger didn’t care, he just ran over to Pete and wrenched the mirror out of his hands, almost tearing poor Pete’s arm off in the process.
“WOTCH IT!” Pete yelled angrily, “ya nearly ‘ad me arm orf there! It’s me playin’ arm! ‘Ow would I ‘ave written songs wivaht me playin’ arm?” he asked.
“Wot the bladdy ‘ew did you nick my mirror fow?” Roger demanded, not caring about the injury he might possibly have caused Pete.
“Wew, I been finkin’ abaht wot everyone says abaht my nose. An’ I down’t believe it. At aw. In fact, I’ve invited samone over ‘ere to prove it,” Pete answered.
“’Oo the bladdy ‘ew could prove that you don’t ‘ave a big nose?” Keith asked, sceptically. Then the doorbell rang. Pete grinned and answered the door. On the doorstep stood a tall brunette girl, wearing glasses and grinning cheesily.
“’Ello, love!” he smiled and showed her in. He quite blatantly fancied her. “Cappa tea?” he asked.
She nodded. “Thanks Pete, white no sugar, babe, cheers,” she answered in a strange mixture of Scouse and Lancastrian accents. He smiled again and put the kettle on. Soon the teas were made, and he sat down close to her as they both sipped their tea. A smile was playing on the corners of her mouth, she quite blatantly fancied Pete too!
“Bat, ‘oo are you? An’ ‘ow can you prove Pait’s nose is smaw?” asked Keith, incredulously, The Eyes widening.
“My name’s Heather. I can prove Pete doesn’t have a big nose because LOOK!” she showed them a photo album.
“Wow, family photos, ‘ow bladdy frillin’!” muttered Roger, sarcastically.
“They AREN’T family photos!” she replied, sternly, “these are photos of some of my patients,” she informed them, showing them her business card:
“Patients?” John repeated, “you ain’t gonnah give ‘im placckie surgery nor naffink are ya?” he asked, worried. Pete shook his head.
“Don’t be dahft! Jast look!” he answered, showing the photo album round. Sure enough, there were hoards of pictures showing people with noses much bigger than Pete’s. Pete was so happy when he saw them. It made him feel much better about his nose.
“And besides,” Heather continued, slipping her arms around Pete, “I think he’s lovely just the way he is!” And with that, she gave him a nice long kiss, which he returned.
“Cor blimey, ‘ooevah woulda guessed Pete could pull wiv that nose!” Roger exclaimed. Pete heard him and flicked a v-sign at him without looking up from kissing Heather…
And the moral of the story is: Sometimes all it takes is Roger’s mirror and a big nose to bring people together!