Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could
 > > >nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.
 > > >Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost
 > > >all counts. The results:
 > > >
 > > >Drink: Beer
 > > >Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
 > > >Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
 > > >
 > > >Drink: Blender Drinks
 > > >Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass (often Blonde).
 > > >Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
 > > >
 > > >Drink: Mixed Drinks
 > > >Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
 > > >Your Approach: You won't have to approach her.  She'll send YOU
 > > >a drink.
 > > >
 > > >Drink: Wine  - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
 > > >Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
 > > >Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more
 > > >  years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.
 > > >
 > > >Drink: White Zin
 > > >Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually
 > > > has no clue.
 > > >Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...
 > > >
 > > >Drink: Shots
 > > >Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get
 > > >  drunk...and naked.
 > > >Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint.  Nothing to do but wait.
 

> Subject:  Healthy reminder - Drink Beer!
>  > >
>  > >
>  > > The following is an actual excerpt from this month's
>  > > Forbes Magazine:
>  > >
>  > > A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest
>  > > buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the
>  > > slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
>  > > killed first. This natural selection is good for the
>  > > herd as a whole, because the general speed and health
>  > > of the whole is maintained or even improved by
>  > > the regular culling of the weakest members.
>  > >
>  > > In much the same way, the human brain can operate only
>  > > as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the
>  > > electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological
>  > > studies have shown that while excessive intake of
>  > > alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest
>  > > and weakest brain cells first.
>  > >
>  > > Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the
>  > > weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and
>  > > more efficient machine. The result of this
>  > > in-depth study verifies and validates the casual link
>  > > between all-weekend parties and job related
>  > > performance. It also explains why, after a few
>  > > short years of leaving a university and getting
>  > > married, most professionals cannot
>  > > keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
>  > >
>  > > Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of
>  > > voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the
>  > > intellectual levels that they achieve during their
>  > > college years.
>  > >
>  > > So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing
>  > > its technological edge, we must not shudder in our
>  > > homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.
>  > > Your company and country need you to be at your peak,
>  > > and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you
>  > > could have.  So, take life by the bottle and be all
>  > > that you can be.
>  > >
>  > > Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and
>  > > co-workers that may be in danger of losing their edge.

 For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
>  pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
>  I'm tired because I'm overworked.
>  The population of this country is 237 million.  104 million are retired.
>  That leaves 133 million to do the work.
>  There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
>  Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
>  19 million to do the work.
>  2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the
>  work.
>  Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City
>  Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
>  At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving
>  1,212,000 to do the work.
>  Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.   That leaves just two
>  people to do the work.
>  You and me.   And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

Subject: College Thoughts
>>>
>>>-Taking an exam at school is easy. Figuring out the curve is the hard
>>>part. I have no idea how the curve works. How do I get a 25 and get an A? How do 
>>>I get a 95 and get a C? Do you ever get the feeling that the "Curve" is 
>>>just one big conspiracy against you? Like before you got to class the 
>>>teacher and everybody else figured the exact mean and standard deviation 
>>>that would screw you the most? Those bastards.
>>>
>>>-The worst part about the curve is that my parents don't understand 
>>>it either. Like this conversation between my Dad and I:
>>> Dad: So, how was your test?
>>> Me: Pretty hard but everyone else thought it was hard too so the      
>>>     curve might not be that bad.
>>> Dad: Don't worry about anyone else but yourself.
>>> Me: I know, but if everyone does badly, then I can still do well.
>>> Dad: Why don't you just do better, are you on drugs?
>>> Me: No Dad, its the curve, last test I got an A even though my test
>>>grade was a 46 because of the curve.
>>> Dad: You got a 46?? We're not sending you any more money."
>>> Fuck me.
>>>
>>>-Of course the only way to beat the curve is to not take the test. How? 
>>>Make an excuse! I've heard some whoppers in my day, but here's one my 
>>>unnamed friend at UCLA used. He did no work for his accounting class
>>>and got a D. So he told the department head that he had swollen testicles
>>>the whole semester, was in a lot of pain, and was too embarrassed to tell
>>>the teacher. He got the grade dropped! I love college.
>>>
-Everyone is always saying, "I go to bed so late, I don't sleep enough,
>>>I have to catch up on my sleep." I get too much sleep. I'm sleeping all
>>>the time. I have to set my alarm even to wake up at 4pm. Catch up on sleep?
>>>I think I have to catch up on my 'awakeness' cause I have no clue what 
>>the hell goes on during the day.
>>>
>>>-Isn't this one of the greatest moments in college? You're wasted, 
>>>absolutely trashed. You go back to our room and you're kind of fucking 
>>>around when the phone rings. It's your best friend from home. And  he's 
>>>wasted too!! You both scream for 25 minutes about how wasted you both
>>>are and how you are going to visit each other at college and get  wasted 
>>and how you're gonna get and how wasted you're gonna get over the summer.
>>>Then you both pass out and don't remember you even spoke to each other. I
>>>love college.
>>>
>>>-The one thing I'm psyched about leaving school for the summer is not 
>>>smelling like smoke all the time. Doesn't it seem like every single
>>>person in college smokes cigarettes? I personally don't, but, inevitably, I
>>>come home from a party (or anyplace else) and as soon as I pull my shirt 
>>over my head, there's that nasty smoke smell. Even my shoes smell like smoke. I 
>>>might as well fucking smoke.
>>>
>>>-The dry cleaners on campus here suck. They're the worst. I wear a pair
>>>of khakis; I get some dirt on them, so I take them to the dry cleaners. 
>>You know what the guy says to me? "I don't know if we can get this out."
>>>What the fuck do you mean you can't get this out? It's fucking dirt! What 
>>>purpose do you serve? I bring in dirty pants and you give me back pants 
>>>that are still dirty folded nicely on a hanger with a plastic bag? What 
>>>kind of bullshit is that? You're the fucking dry cleaners!! Get that
>>>shit wet if you have to.
>>>
>>>-This past weekend was Spring Fling here at Penn- a three day party
>>>where everyone gets wasted. It was fucking ridiculous. This is about all I 
>>>remember: kegs in every dorm room, a forty foot funnel in the 
>>stairwell, crowd surfing. I love college.
>>>
>>>-How about those kids in lecture who write down everything. Teacher 
>>puts something on the board, he writes it down. Teacher sneezes, kid makes a 
>>>note of it. The kid is writing shit when the teacher isn't even fucking 
>>>talking! And you're sitting there thinking, "should I be writing this 
>>>down?"
>>>
>>>-Well, freshman year is almost over and it was the best year of my 
>>life. You can sure learn a hell of a lot in one year! School is pretty
>>>confusing, but I've come up with "Karo's Theory on College Life," here goes:
>>>
>>>There are four basic things to do in college: 1) Hang out with your 
>>boys (girls), 2) Hook up, 3) Get wasted, and 4) Do work. Problem is, you can 
>>>only accomplish 3 out of the 4 things at any one time. You can get 
>>drunk with your boys all the time and then go hook up, but you probably won't
>>>do any work. You can get some work done, chill with your girlfriend and 
>>get wasted, but you'll never see your boys. So that's what college life is
>>>all about, constantly striving to get all four. And when you do, 
>>>congratulations, you've graduated.
>>>
>>>I hope you enjoyed this. Note: this is NOT a chain letter. No 
>>>dishwasher in Indiana ever got fucked up the ass by a donkey because he didn't 
>>>forward this and neither will you.  Some poor kid with 17 diseases is not going to die
>>>because of you; you are not going to win a trip to Disney World for sending this; and 
>>>you should know that sending this around won't help you get laid. 
>>>If you would like to forward it, please do so.

	>Nine Things that Piss Me Off - Adam  Sandler:
>
>    1. People who point at their wrist while  asking for
>    the time. I know where
>    my watch is buddy, where the f*ck is  yours? Do I
>    point at my crotch when I
>   ask where the bathroom is?
>
>    2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy
>    considering he has no dick.
>
>     3. People who are willing to get off their ass to
>    search the entire room for
>    the TV remote because they refuse to walk  to the TV
>    and change the channel
>   manually.
>
>     4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your
>    cake and eat it too." F*ck
>    off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
>
>     5. When people say "It's always in the last place
>    you look". Of course it is.
>    Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've
>   found it? Do people do this?
>    Who and where are they?
>
>     6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you
>    see that?" No ASSHOLE, I
>    paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the
>    friggin ceiling up there.
>
>       7. People who ask "Can I ask you a
>    question?"..... Didn't really give me a
>    choice, did ya there buddy?
>
>     8. When something is "new and improved", which is
>    it? If it's new, then
>    there has never been anything before it. If it's an
>    improvement, then it must
>    not be the first one!!
>
>    9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you
>    know how fast you were
>    going? You should know asshole you fucking pulled me
>    over

> Subject: Fw: FW: Some one liners
> >
> >  What is a Yankee?
> >  The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
> >
> >  What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
> >  They both like a tight seal.
> >
> >  If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a
> >  hard-sleeper sleepwith?
> >
> >  What is the difference between Olympic swimmers and Olympic
> >  divers?
> >  Mark Spitz and Greg Swallows.
> >
> >  What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
> >  Sticks it in Olive Oyl.
> >
> >  What has three teeth and sixty feet?
> >  The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
> >
> >  What is the new O.J. web site address?
> >  slash.slash.backslash.escape
> >
> >  What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
> >  They're right! We do taste like chicken!
> >
> >  What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
> >  Their balls are just for decoration.
> >
> >  What did the banana say to the vibrator?
> >  What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
> >
> >  What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
> >  Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
> >
> >  What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
> >  About three inches.
> >
> >  What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
> >  Well-hung
> >
> >  What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
> >  You can't hear an enzyme.
> >
> >  What do you call a gay dinosaur?
> >  Mega-sor-ass
> >
> >  How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> >  One..Men will screw anything.
> >
> >  What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
> >  One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.
> >  the other is used to carry groceries.
> >
> >  What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the
> >  fuzz?
> >  No...but I've been swung around by the tits.
> >
> >  Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
> >  For traction in the mud.
> >
> >  Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
> >  Because she's a woman.
> >
> >  If there were 4 potatos in a room, which one would be the
> >  prostitute?
> >  The one that's labeled "IDAHO"
> >
> >  Why don't blind people skydive?
> >  Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
> >
> >  Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
> >  Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat
> >
> >  What has four legs and an arm?
> >  A happy pit-bull
> >
> >  What is the difference between a peeping tom and a robber?
> >  A robber snatches watches.
> >
> >  Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly a man comes
> >  along, flings open his trench coat and flashes them. Two have a
> >  stroke... but the third doesn't 'cause her arms aren't long
> >  enough.
> >
> >  What do you call a truckload of dildos?
> >  Toys for twats
> >
> >  How do you castrate a Red Neck
> >  You kick his sister in the jaw.
> >
> >  How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
> >  It's not hard
> >

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you 
 remarry?"
  
 After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We 
 all need companionship." 

 "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live 
 in this house?" 

 "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we 
 want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she 
 would."

 "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," 
 the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" 

 "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going 
 to last a long time, so I guess she would." 

 "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and 
 slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" 

 "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."

Here's an Urban Legend that I've heard more than once:

"...so there my friend was, sitting in his science class learning about
how cells work.  So the professor distributes toothpicks to each student

and asks them to rub the toothpick on the inside of their cheeks and
asks them to view the cheek cells underneath the microscope.  The
professor draws what the cell should look like on the blackboard.  One
girl in the class raises her hand and tells the professor that her cells

don't look exactly like the diagram.  The professor asks her to look
again and explains the different variations of a cheek cell.  She looks
again, and still it seems to look much different.  The frustrated
professor comes over for a look himself.  Astonished, he says, "my god
these are sperms cells!"  The girl storms out of the classroom with
embarrassment

Some Thoughts on Life
>
>
>>Things that make you go hmmmmmmmm.......
>>
>>If you mix vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a
>>PHILLIP's Screwdriver ??
>>
>>Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a WHACK??
>>
>>Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy ADULTERY??
>>
>>If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled??
>>
>>If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular??
>>
>>When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"  and you put your two
>>cents in, what happens to the other penny??
>>
>>Why is a man who invests all your money called a broker??
>>
>>Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  Isn't it stale bread to begin
>>with??
>>
>>When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say??
>>
>>Why is a person who plays a piano called a pianist, but a person who drives
>>a race car not called a racist??
>>
>>Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites??
>>
>>Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things??
>>
>>If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible??
>>
>>Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one??
>>
>>"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.  Could
>>it be that "I do"is the longest sentence??
>>
>>If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
>>electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, and cowboys deranged,
>>models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed??
>>
>>Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's??
>>
>>Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the
>>universe you believe them, but if the same person tells you a wall has wet
>>paint you will have to touch it to be sure??
>>
>>If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
>>called "Holes"??
>>
>>If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
>>become disoriented??
>>
>>Don't it just make you wonder?????????

Interesting Facts 
> Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
> Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
> The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.  No one in
> Greece has
> memorized all 158 verses.
> There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
> The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
> A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
> There are more chickens than people in the world.
> Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
> The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
> "screeched."
> On a Canadian two-dollar bill, the flag flying over the
> Parliament Building is an American flag.
> All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
> "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
> "mt".
> All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
> the back of the $5 bill.
> Almonds are members of the peach family.
> Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
> Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
> There are only four words in the English language that end in "-dous":

> tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
> Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
> los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63%
> of its size, "L.A."
> A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
> An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
> Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
> In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
> watch is 10:10.
> Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
> The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
> When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home,
> the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
> The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
> the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful
> Life."
> A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
> A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
> A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
> On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand

> corner of the "1" encased in the shield" and a spider hidden in the
> front upper right-hand corner.
> It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
> The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
> Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser

> himself.
> In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
> The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator,

> Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw  A-N, and
> O-Z, hence "Oz."
> The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
> and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
> Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
> John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
> The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
> There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
> 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only
> the left hand.

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.
> >>>> They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.,
> >>>>that each had an "A" so far for the semester.
> >>>>
> >>>> These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals
> >>>> they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some
> >>>> friends up there. They had a great time, however, after all the hearty
> >>>> drinking and partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back
> >>>> to Duke until early Monday morning.
> >>>>
> >>>> Rather than take the 100 point final then, they decided to find their
> >>>> professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.  They
> >>>> explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to
> >>>> come to study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back,
> >>>> didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.  As a result
> >>>> they missed the final.
> >>>>
> >>>> The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the
> >>>> final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied
> >>>> that night and went in the next day at the time the Professor had told
> >>>> them.  He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
> >>>> booklet and told them to begin.
> >>>>
> >>>> They looked at the first problem, worth only 5 points, something simple
> >>>> about free radical formation.
> >>>> "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room,
> >>>> "this is going to be easy."
> >>>>
> >>>> Each finished the problem, and then turned the page.
> >>>> On the second page was written:
> >>>>
> >>>> (For 95 points): Which tire?

Confucious say:

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get
exhausted.

Man who do it in strawberry patch will have ass in jam.

Passionate kiss like spider web......soon lead to undoing of fly.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok.

Baseball wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.

Man who do it on bare ground will have piece on earth.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

War does not determine who right. War determine who left.

Wife who put husband in dog house soon find him in cat house.

Man who have hands in pockets is feeling cocky.

It take many nail to build crib...but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

You Know You Are Not In College When ...

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

Your potted plants stay alive.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.

8:00a.m. is not early.

You have to file for your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You're not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You start watching the weather channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.

You go to parties that the police don't raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.

Your car insurance goes down.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer,bourbon,and rum.

Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

You're waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are 'casual' instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

THEN: discussing with your friends: GPA's, spring break plans,and tonsil
hockey
NOW: discussing with your friends: mutual funds, interestrates,  and wedding
plans.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV
News.

You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night, 'I just can't put it down the
same as I used to'.

Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not
video games.

You're actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that's not full of
'21-year-old kids.'

Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

So Valentine's Day is coming up and I promised my poem would circulate.
Its
kinda harsh, but hey, 4 years alone can make you a cynical person!

Enjoy...


Fuck Valentine's Day

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer,
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak,
And wear all black for the rest of the week.
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade,
For all they are doing, is trying to get laid.
The arrow Cupid shot at me, must not have hit,
Because I think love is a crock of shit.
So here's my story... what else can I say?
Love bites my ass.... FUCK Valentine's Day!!

>  Sports Quotes:
>  "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." 
>  - Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh
>       
>  "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like 
>  Norman Einstein."
>  - Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996
>       
>  "You guys line up alphabetically by height."  -Bill Peterson, a Florida 
>  State football coach
>       
>  "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." 
>  -Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
>       
>  Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because 
>  of academic requirements: "I play football.  I'm not trying to be a 
>  professor.
>  The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff 
>  I haven't been through in school."
>       
>  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter 
>  Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to 
>  prison for three years, not Princeton."
>       
>  Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a 
>  color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to 
>  spell my name, I can still find my #%@# clothes."
>       
>  Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his 
>  visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we 
>  went to."
>       
>  Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every 
>  level, except college and pro."
>       
>  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of 
>  heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in 
>  the morning regardless of what time it is."
>       
>  1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 
>  record: "We can't win at home.  We can't win on the road.  As general 
>  manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
>       
>  1982 - Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining 
>  to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's 
>  expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an 
>  aunt."
>       
>  1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms 
>  Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in 
>  his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
>       
>  1966 - Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number 
>  of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical 
>  conditioning:
>  "One player was lost because he broke his nose.  How do you go about 
>  getting a nose in condition for football?"
>       
>  1981 - Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the 
>  team's CO-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring 
>  running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going 
>  to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
>       
>  1991-Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a 
>  fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real 
>  tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
>       
>  1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints GM, when asked after a loss what 
>  he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy 
>  officiating."
>       
>  1991 - Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as 
>  opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
>       
>  1996 - Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to 
>  vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
>       
>  1991 - Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at 
>  Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he 
>  took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's 
>  we're not going to any more bowl games."
>       
>  1986 - LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They 
>  can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
>       
>  1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told 
>  him, 'Son, what is it with you?  Is it ignorance or apathy?'  He said, 
>  'Coach, I don't know and I don't care."
>       
>  1991 - Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John 
>  Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
>       
>  1987 - Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he 
>  told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like 
>  you're spending too much time on one subject."

>  Ok, there's a farmer and he has 3 teenage daughters. One 
>  night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the 
>  door and there is a teenage boy standing there.
>  
>  Farmer: Hi. Can I help you?
>  
>  Boy: Yeh... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. 
>  We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?
>  
>  Farmer: Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can 
>  come in and sit on the sofa and wait.
>  
>  Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later 
>  the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and 
>  there's another teenage boy out on the porch.
>  
>  Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?
>  
>  Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. 
>  We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
>  
>  Farmer: No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa.
>  
>  About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave 
>  to go to town.
>  
>  Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car 
>  door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The 
>  doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something 
>  bad happens. 
>  
>  When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing 
>  there and he reeks of booze.
>  
>  Farmer: Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters.
>  
>  Boy#3: Yeah... My name is Chuck....
>  
>              BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIE INDUSTRY

1.  Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

 3.  Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.

4.  Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.

5.  It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts -- your enemies will wait patiently to attack you

one
by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked
out
their predecessors.

6.  When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom

will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

8.  If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world
expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

9.  Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down
three days before their retirement.

10.  Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

11. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.

12.  All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying
beside
her.

13.  All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

14.  It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.

15.  Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba
diving.

16.  You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you
make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back
home.

17.  Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian
officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or
Russian
accent will do. (It used to be an English accent for the Germans).

18.  The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

19.  A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

20.  If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.

21.  If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

22.  Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.

23.  Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary
to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.

24.  All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large
red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

25.  A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

26.  If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you
meet will know all the steps.

27.  Police departments give their officers personality tests to
make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total
opposite.

28.  When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to
speak to each other in English.

Subject: Interesting Facts


> They get better towards the middle and the end.
> 
>   Coca-Cola was originally green.
> 
>   Amount American Airlines saved in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
>   each salad served first class: $40,000.
> 
>   City with most Rolls Royce's per capita : Hong Kong.
> 
>   State with highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska.
> 
>   % of Africa that is wilderness : 28%
>   % of America that is wilderness : 38%
> 
>   A duck's quack does not echo and no one knows why.
> 
>   Cost of raising a medium size dog to age of 11 : $6400.
> 
>   # of people airborne over US at any given time : 61,000.
> 
>   % of American's who have visited DisneyLand/World : 70%.
> 
>   Intelligent people have more copper and zinc in their hair.
> 
>   The youngest pope was 11 years old.
> 
>   Iceland consumes more Coca-Cola per capita than any other country.
> 
>   The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."  uses  every
> letter in the alphabet and was developed by Western  Union to  test
> telex/twx communications.
> 
>   In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
> 
>   Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
> 
>   In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile
> services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did Not re-number
> the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and
> up, but no channel 1.
> 
>   The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
> 
>   The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter
> is uncopyrightable.
> 
>   Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
> 
>   Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
> 
>   The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore
> when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
> ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
> 
>   The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
>   name of the Don McLean song.)
> 
>   When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They
>   actually pass out from sheer terror.
> 
>   The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
>   because  when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
> weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
> 
>   Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
>   history.  Spades - King David, Clubs - Alexander the Great, Hearts -
>   Charlemagne, and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
> 
>   111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> 
>   Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
> without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression
> "to get fired."
> 
>   Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
> Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the
> last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.
> 
>   "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
> 
>   Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
>   looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
> 
>   An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
> 
>   The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
> 
>   The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
> must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times
> of war or other emergencies.
> 
>   David Prowse was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars.  He
> spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed
> over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
> 
>   The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
> necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
> segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for black and whites.
> 
>   The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
>   gallon of diesel that it burns.
> 
>   The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in
> Colorado.
> 
>   Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
> 
>   If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
> $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being
> able to make change for a dollar.
> 
>   No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
> Superbowl.
> 
>   The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
> games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
> Major League All-Star Game.
> 
>   Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
> 
>   The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
> 
>   In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting
>   license.
> 
>   There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
> 
>   Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
> 
>   The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
>   Budweiser, in that order.
> 
>   When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles
> per year.
> 
>   It's possible to lead a cow upstairs..but not downstairs.
> 
>   The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
> 
>   Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of
>   their hands.
> 
>   Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of
> vodka.
> 
>   Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived
>   immigrants.
> 
>   In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's
>   nuclear weapons combined.
> 
>   Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
> 
>   Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
>   Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6.
> 
>   Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
> 
>   The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
> 
>   If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months, and 6 days, you would have
>   produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
> 
>   The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to
> squirt blood 30 feet.
> 
>   Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
> 
>   On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
> 
>   The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
> 
>   It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
> 
>   Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
> 
>   Every time you lick a stamp you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
> 
>   Did you know that your are more likely to be killed by a champagne
>   cork than by a poisonous spider?
> 
>   Right Handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left
>   handed people.
> 
>   In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
>   including their eyebrows and eyelashes.  (god, that must hurt!)
> 
>   A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
> 
>   The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
>   weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
> 
>   Polar bears are left handed.
> 
>   The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1
> for animal having the most taste buds.  (Thus, do they taste better??)
> 
>   The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human
>   jumping the length of a football field.
> 
>   A cockroach will live nine days without it's head before it starves to
> death.

This applies if you were born between 1965-1977, give or take a year!
>  
>  WE ARE NOT THE LOST GENERATION
>  
>  Friends, this is one of the best emails of all time.  If you were
>  born between 1965 and 1977 (give or take a year or two) you will
>  certainly enjoy this as much as I did.  Don't skip a line, read this
>  when you have timeto take it all in.
>  
>  I am a child of the 70's & 80's.  That is what I preferto be called.
>  The 90's can do without me.  Grunge isn't here to stay, fashion is
>  fickle and "Generation X" is a myth created by some over-40 writer
>  trying to figureout  why people wear flannel in the summer.
>  
>  When I got home from school, I played Atari 2600.  I spent hours
>  playing Pitfall or Combat or Breakout or Frogger.  I never did beat
>  Asteriods.Then I watched Scooby-Doo.  Daphne was a goddess, and I
>  thought Shaggy was smoking something synthetic in the back of the
>  Mystery Machine. I HATED SCRAPPY.   I would sleep over at friend's
>  houses on the weekends.
>  We played army with G I Joe figures, and I set up galatic wars
>  between  Autobots and Deceptions.  We never beat Rubik's cube, unless
>  you count taking off the stickers.  I got up on Saturday mornings at
>  6am to watch bad Hanna-Barbera cartoons like "The Snorks",
>  "Jabberjaw", "Captain Caveman", and "SpaceGhost".  In between  I would
>  watch School House Rock  (Conjunction junction, what's your
>  function?)
>  
>  On Friday night, Daisy Duke was my future wife.  Did  your Dad turn
>  from mild-mannered Bill Bixby into the  "Incredible Hulk" when he got
>  upset? At the movies the Nerds got revenge on the Alpha Betas by
>  teaming up with the Omega Mu's.  I watched Indiana Jones save the Ark
>  of Covenant.  I wondered what Yoda  meant when he said, "No, there is
>  another".
>  
>  Ronald Reagan was cool.  Gorbachev was the guy who built a McDonalds
>  in Moscow.  My family took vacations to South Florida and collected
>  Muppet Movie Glasses along the way (we had the whole set). My siblings
>  and I fought in the back seat. At the hotel, we found creative uses
>  for
>  Connect  Four pieces.
>  
>  I listened to John Cougar Mellencamp sing about Pink Houses and Jack
>  & Diane.  I was bewildered by Boy George.  I was a "Wild Boy" for
>  Duran Duran. MTV actually played music videos.  Nickelodeon played
>  "You Can't Do That On Television".  HBO showed Mike Tyson pummel
>  everybody except Robin Givens. I drank Dr Pepper.  I'm a Pepper,
>  you're a Pepper, wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?  Shasta was for
>  losers.  Tab was a laboratory accident. Capri Sun was a social
>  statement.  Orange Juice wasn't just for breakfast anymore. Bacon had
>  to move over for something leaner. My mom put a thousand Little Debbie
>  snack cakes in my Charlie Brown Lunchbox and our world was the
>  backyard and it was all you needed. With your pink portable tape
>  player, Debbie Gibson sang back up to you. Everyone wanted a skirt
>  like the material girl and a glove like Michael Jackson.  Today, we
>  are the ones who sing along with Bruce Springsteen and the Bangles
>  perfectly and have no idea why.  We recite lines from Ghostbusters and
>  still look to the Goonies for  a Great adventure.  We flip through T V
>  stations and stop at the A-Team and Knight Rider and Fame and laugh
>  with the Cosby Show and Family Ties."Whatyou talkin' about
>  Willis?"
>  
>  We hold strong affection for the Muppets and Gummy Bears and why did
>  they take the Smurf's off the air?   Afterschool Specials were about
>  cigarettes and step-families.  The Polka Dot Door was nothing like
>  Barney.  Aren't the Power Rangers just Voltran reincarnated?  We are
>  the ones who still
>  read Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, the Bobbsey Twins, Beverly Cleary
>  and Judy Blume.
>  
>  Friendship bracelets were ties you couldn't break and friendship pins
>  went on shoes.  Pegged jeans were in, and were unit belts and layered
>  socks and jean jackets and JAMS and charm necklaces and side pony
>  tails.  Rave was a girl's best friend; braces with colored rubberbands
>  made you rad.
>  
>  The back door was always open and Mom served only the red kool-
>  aid
>  toThe neighborhood kids.  You never drank the New Coke.  Entertainment
>  was cheap and lasted for hours.  All you needed to be a princess was
>  high heels and an apron.  The Sit'n'spin always made you dizzy, but
>  never made you stop. Pogoballs were dangerous weapons, and Chinese
>  Jump ropes never failed to trip someone.
>  
>  In your Underoos you were Wonder Woman, Spider Man or R2D2.  In your
>  treehouse, you were king.  In the 80's nothing was wrong.  Did you
>  know the president was shot?  Did you see the Challenger
>  explode or feed a homeless  man?  We forgot Vietnam and watched
>  Tiananmen Square on CNN. We
>  didn't start the fire Billy Joel.
>  
>  In the 80's we redefined the American Dream, and thoseyears defined
>  us.
>  
>  We are the generation in between strife and facing strife and
>  turning our backs.  The 80's may have made us idealistic, but it's
>  that idealism that will push  us and be passed to our children-the
>  children of the 21st Century.  We had neighborhoods where in the day
>  we could play kick-the-can, ring-o-levio, "guns", and all of the
>  things that made us"Grownup".
>  
>  There was always that one field that could be used for either
>  baseball, football, or just a place to hang out. That was my field of
>  dreams, Mr.Costner.  At night we would play flashlight tag, and we
>  could trick-or-treat at night without the fear of being killed.  We
>  loved orange race tracks...that was until our mother realized she
>  could smack us with them.
>  
>  We collected Cabbage Patch kids, and their ugly offspring Garbage
>  Pail kids. We collected football & baseball cards, but it was because
>  we wanted to be the first in the neighborhood the have the complete
>  set. We played with He-Man and Skelator. Going to get a Happy Meal on
>  Saturday with Mom or Dad was worth waiting the other six days of the
>  week.  Was Green Lantern the coolest superhero or Aquaman?
>  "Wonder-twin powers activate!"  "Hey, my mom will take if your mom
>  picks up!"
>  
>  This is what growing up in the 70's & 80's was all about!  So if you
>  are reading this and it ALL hits home then you do indeed have a
>  heritage or a generation.  This is what makes us the most unique
>  generation of all.
>  
>  Please pass this on to all who can relate!
>  
>  Hey don't forget about "LAZER TAG" or "PHOTON"
===========
Remember the 80's, Part II

>  I was working part time in a five and dime.  My boss was Mr. McGee.  He
> was six  foot  four  and full of muscles and walked like an Egyptian, but I
> was happy to be stuck with him.
>
>  One manic Monday, while I was busy working for the weekend, I overheard
> him make  a  careless  whisper.   He told two of my co-workers, Jack and
> Diane, that  I  gave love a bad name.  Well, I got so emotional, baby.  I told
> him to  say  say say what he wants, but don't play games with my affection.
> He told  me  it  was  hard  for  him to say he's sorry and not to worry, to
> be happy.   Then  he blamed it on the rain, the purple rain.  He was so out
> of touch.   It  just  took  my breath away.  I couldn't fight this feeling
> any longer.   I  asked him, "What's love got to do with it?"  He told me to
> get outta  his  store  and his dreams and into my car.  So I figured I might
> as well jump.
>
>  I  cut footloose, went home and called my girl, Jenny (You already know
> the number:  867-5309).   She  was  on  the  other line with Amanda.  They
> were talking  about  Mickey and how he was so fine.  That blew my mind!  Was
> she really going out with him?  I told her that I had just called to say I
> love her.   She told me she had been saving all her love for me, but now she
> was looking  for  a new love - hasta la vista, baby.  I thought "I can't go
> for that - no can do!  Bring me a higher love!"
>
>  I  called  up  some of my old west end girls, hoping that one of them
> would want  to  get  physical  all night long (all night).  First I called
> Billie Jean  -  she  told  me to beat it.  I called Rosanna - her sister
> Christian blessed  the rains down in Africa and then hung up on me.  Come on,
> Eileen!  ...  no  answer.   Nobody told me there'd be days like these! I was
> feeling like  the owner of a lonely heart.  Then, out of the blue, my best
> friend's girlfriend  (she  used  to  be mine) Roxanne calls.  Yes, the real
> Roxanne. She  told  me  she  still  hadn't found what she's looking for and that
> she wanted  to  take  on  me.  I said, "I thought you were Jessie's girl."
> She said,  "Don't you want me (baby)?  You don't have to put on the red
light - I'm on my own."
>
>  What  a  feeling!   I  had  the  eye of the tiger.  Who was I
> f-f-f-foolin? Roxanne  drove  me  crazy like no one else.  She's a beauty! She blinded
> me with  science, and weird science at that.  There was always something
> there to  remind  me of her and I just knew that I'd have the time of my life.
> I wasn't about to la-di-da-di.  I jumped in my little red Corvette and
> rocked down  to  Electric  Avenue.   I  got my mind set on her.  When I got to
> her house  (in the middle of her street) I ran.  I rapped on her front door
> and to  this rapper's delight,  I heard a voice say "Who can it be now?"
> "Here I  am,  the one that you love", I replied.  I let my love open the door
> and was  immediately  lost  in her eyes.  I felt like a virgin, touched for
> the very  first  time.   She  loosened  her  blouse and said "Rock me
> Amadeus!" Well, I felt it was my prerogative to bust a move.  I told her "I'll
> tumble for ya!" as I pinned her on the stairs, hungry like the wolf.
>
>  Just  then  I  felt an invisible touch on my shoulder.  "Turn around
> bright eyes!"  said a familiar voice.  As I did, Jessie hit me with a
> sledgehammer of  an  uppercut  that  spun  me right round like a record.  He was
> hangin' tough  and  continued  to  roll  with it, knocking the wind from beneath
> my wings  -  broken wings, by this time.  He rocked me tonight, for old
> time's sake, beating me from head to toe, until my true colors were black and
> blue and blood was spilling from my mouth like red, red wine.  "You don't owe
> me money for nothing!" he snarled.
>
>  At  this  point  I was livin' on a prayer.  I crawled back to my little
> red Corvette  and  drove home thinking about how my tainted love had cut
like a  knife - how it seems that every rose, truly, has its thorn.  No longer
do I want to know what love is.  Love bites.  Love stinks.

Sick Joke of the Year
>  
>  There was a little girl and her mother walking through
>  the park one day and  they  saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.  The
>  
>  little girl says "Mummy  what are they doing?". The mother hesitates
>  then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they
>  are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex.  
>  Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with
>  
>  the same response, making cakes. The  next day the girl says to her
>  mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes  in  the lounge
>  last  night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
>  
>  wait for it.............
>  
>  
>  
>  wait for it.............
>  
>  
>  
>  Are you ready????????
>  here goes..........
>  
>  
>  She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa"

Subject: FW: From Boz Lerman, called "Everybody's Free"


> 
> 
>   Wear sunscreen.
>  
>   If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
>   The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas
>   the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering 
>   experience. I will dispense this advice now.
>  
>   Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
>   understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
>   trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in
>   a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how
>   fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
>  
>   Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
>   effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.  The
>   real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your 
>   worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
>  
>   Do one thing every day that scares you.
>  
>   Sing.
>  
>   Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who
>   are reckless with yours.
>  
>   Floss.
>  
>   Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're
>   behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
>  
>   Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in
>   doing this, tell me how.
>  
>   Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
>  
>   Stretch.
>  
>   Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  The
>   most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do
>  
>   with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still
>   don't.
>  
>   Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're
>   gone.
>  
>   Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you
>   won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on
>   your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself
>   too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are
>   everybody else's.
>  
>   Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what
>   other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
>  
>   Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
>  
>   Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
>  
>   Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
>  
>   Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.  Be
>   nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people
>   most likely to stick with you in the future.
>  
>   Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should
>  
>   hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because
>   the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were
>   young.
>  
>   Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in
>  
>   Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
>  
>   Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
>   philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that
>   when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and
>   children respected their elders.
>  
>   Respect your elders.
>  
>   Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe
>   you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might
>   run out.
>  
>   Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will
>   look 85.
>  
>   Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
> 
>   Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
>   from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and
>   recycling it for more than it's worth.
>  
>   But trust me on the sunscreen.
> 

The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive
 boat race.  Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their
 peak performance.

 On the big day they felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile.
 Afterward, the  American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale
 sagged. Corporate  management decided that the reason for the
 crushing defeat had to be found, so a  consulting firm was hired
 to investigate the problem and recommended corrective  action.

 The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people
 rowing and one  person steering; the American team had one person
 rowing and eight people  steering.

 After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem,
 the consultant firm  concluded that too many people were steering
 and not enough were rowing on the  American team.

 So as race day neared again the following year, the American
 team's management  structure was completely reorganized. The new
 structure: four steering managers,  three area steering managers
 and a new performance review system for the person  rowing the
 boat to provide work incentive.

 The next year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the
 American  corporation laid off the rower for poor performance and
 gave the managers a bonus  for discovering the problem....

> Why do we say something is out of whack?  What is a whack?
>  Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
>  If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
>  Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing
>  night gowns?
>  If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
>  When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
>  cents in, what happens to the other penny?
>  Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>  Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread  to begin
>  with.
>  Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
>  drives a race car not called a racist?
>  Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
>  Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
>  If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
>  Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
>  "I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
>  Could
>  it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?
>  
>  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
>  electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
>  deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
>  Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
>  universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
>  you will have to touch it to be sure?

A little woman called Mount Sinai Hospital. She said,  "Mount
Sinai
> Hospital? Hello. Darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives
the
> information about the patients. But I don't want to know if the 
patient
> is better or doing like expected, or worse, I want all the  
information
> from top to bottom, from A to Z."
>      The voice on the other end of the line said, "Would you  hold the
> line, please, that's a very unusual request." Then a very 
authoritative
> voice came on and said, "Are  you the lady who is calling about one of
> the patients?"
>      She said, "Yes, darling!  I'd like to know the information about
> Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
>      He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Feinberg, Farber--Finkel. 
Oh
> yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two  full
meals,
> her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way,
>  her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
>      The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! She's going home at
> twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's wonderful news."
>      The guy on the other end said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it
you
> must be one of the close family."
>      She said, "What close family? I'm Sarah Finkel! My doctor don't
tell
> me nothing!"
> ******************************************************
> Yakob was on his death bed, breathing his last. His family had 
gathered
> around him.
> Through half-closed eyes and a barely audible voice he asked,
"Mama--you
> here?"
> "Yes, Papa."
> "Sammy--you here?"
> "Yes, Papa."
> "Isadore--you here?"
> "Yes, Papa."
> "Rosalie--you here?
> "Yes, Papa."
> "Rachel--you here?"
> "Yes, Papa."
>  With his face purple with rage, and struggling to his elbows, the old
> man shouted, "Well, who's watching the store?"
> **************************************************
> ******************************************
> Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
> The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another 
> stamp."
> Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
>      Tour bus with 30 Hadassah ladies aboard turned over and all were
> speedily dispatched to heaven. On their arrival one of the admitting
> angels wouldn't let them in. He told them that the admitting computers 
> were down so they would just have to wait. At that moment G-D
intervened
> and said that he would speak to Satan to see if they could be
temporarily
> housed in his domain until they could
> correct the computer error. Sure enough room was found and they  all
went
> down to their new temporary quarters. A few hours later G-d receives 
an
> urgent telephone call from Satan who tells him that he must take the
> Hadassah woman off his hands. "What's the problem?" G-d asks. Satan
> replies, "These Hadassah women are ruining my set-up. They have been
down
> here only a few hours and already they have raised  $100,000 for a new
> air conditioning system."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Q: What is a Jewish woman's worst fear at Pesach?
> A: A yeast infection.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>  Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai....
> G-d: "And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a
> calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel."
> Moses: "Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat  milk and meat
> together."
> G: "No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk."
> Moses: "Oh, L-rd forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is 
we
> should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not
in
> our stomach simultaneously."
> G: "No, Moses, what I'm saying is, don't cook a calf in  it's mother's
> milk!!!"
> M: "Oh, L-rd! Please don't strike me down for my  stupidity! What you
> mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a 
separate
> set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to
> Bury that dish outside...."
> G:  "Moses, do whatever the hell you want.......

Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter
> 
> 1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
> intercourse? 
> talk
> 
> 2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 
> legs
> 
> 3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a
> head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? a twenty
> dollar bill
> 
> 4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? 
> firetruck
> 
> 5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of
> which is a word for a woman? bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
> 
> 6). What does a dog do that you can step into? 
> pants
> 
> 7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't
> get one you can use your hands?  fork
> 
> 8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?
> Almond Joy candy bar
> 
> 9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of
> birdcages? 
> grit
> 
> 10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on
> others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after
> they're married? last name
>