I have began to notice that these 'journal entries' are becoming more regular. im trying to figure out if this is a good thing or not. it might mean i am getting worse, or that i am getting better so to speak, as i can express myself a little more even if it is on a page that is pretty much hidden, i figure it is probably a good thing, rather than keeping everything held inside me til one day, again i have another break down, and go back to the way i was. but only time will tell. its not that ths page is interesting any, i mean it might be cause possibly some people can relate to it, but i dont know. i am mailing doing this to make people see that im not always the way i am online, and that people have faluts no one is perfect even though some people put others into a 'god like status' and force themselves to believe that they are unflawed and such. and yeah i know i have said this before on the other page but i figure it is worth saying again. so yeah ok that was pointless. umm ok yeah whatever ill prolly be back again this afternoon like it matters, mmm maybe i should date these?? nah fuck it im too slack to do anything like that. well after that i hadnt written in here for about a week so i figure im getting worse, not surprising though. im beginning to wonder why people bother talking to one another. yes this is comming from me who spends her life in the chat rooms but im serious. after spending this much time watching people and such i have begun to wonder why they bother. its not like people have anything to say anyways. they are either complaining about something or rambling on about things that usually make no sense. but after saying this i am forced to think of my conversations with people, which are exactly the same, about nothing, pointless, meaningless, and yet i crave them. and i dont know why. i figure its part of being human, the craving for recognition and human contact without these i dont think each individual would survive. i suppose its kinda like the wolf pack thing. a lone wolf cannot survive, but in a pack they are strong. the whole stregnth in numbers thing i suppose. i dont know and blah im rambling on about stuph again so ill come back when i have something to say, no actually ill come back when i have nothing to say but ill say a whole heap anyways. once again i have a new thing to add here, wether my constant rambling will make any sense or not is completely irrelavant. i type and you read, n thats it. i have become to hate the way people have such high expectations of me, and i know this is going to sound very egotistical and such, but there are a few people that have put me upon a podium so to speak. they think i am some kind of goddess or something. people tend to have higher expectations of others for some reason, and as i have said before. some people put others in a 'god like' status. i prefer to have low standards for people, so i dont get disappointed. originality another thing that i am going to write about here. the way people copy things and take the credit for themselves,i think is wrong. i know it can be argued 'there is not orginal thought' but i mean when someone says something or comes up with a really good idea, or has a thought about something, and then someone else thinks 'oh wow thats a good idea' so they steal it and claim it as thier own, that really annoys me.  not that this is aimed at anyone in particular..... but yeah. i am kinda sick of people that take others ideas and dont give them the credit for it. i dont understand why they feel so blah the word is blah about themselves that they cannot come up with a good idea for themselves. blah another bitch session by me, stay tuned ajhgaksngfsakhgfsnasbfasjnaskfnaskgasklfanfaskfasfnakfasnfakfhakfnaka ok. ok well now that i think about it, it has been about 6 months since my last 'entry' so i figure i better get back doing this. like i sad in my first entry i am back in my downward spiral <excuse the NIN reference there>. once again i am in my 'depressed' state as people call it, and my life has  become as interesting as watching paint dry on a wet day. i have a cool thing called a 'Panic Disorder With Agrophobia' which basically means i am a nervous wreck, but hey thats life. so yeah blah thats it. i have been doing some thinking since my last thing and my mood has gotten worse since then. i think i might have to leave the online life, all i do is drag people down, and make them depressed with me. i make the occasional smart remark and evil comment toward people. its not like i will be missed, i mean there are a few people online i will miss but i dont know if they will feel the same way. i am nothing but a lost cause, someone they will be better off without. their lives would have been better and happier, had they not met me. i think it might be good for them too, stop dragging them down into my world, and let them live without anything to interfere with their lives. but hey who am i trying to fool, i cant stop comming online, its what i have and all i have. as little as it is to people this is my life and i have nothing else. i have a very low tolerance level at the moment and most people are starting to realise this when i tell them how stupid they are. i just want to say, i am not trying to be someone im not, and as i have said before, if people dont like the idea that manda is this way well they arent worth my time, and they know it because i have told them so, many times no doubt. so this is another look into my twisted personality, my so called 'depression' which is really a relisation of life in its true form. anyways im gone i will be back soon no doubt, i must keep this up to date. ok well until next time.