Ideas up for grabs
Introduction to Happiness
This could be another project: a crash course on how to make
ourselves happy, indepent of external circumstances. It would
teach basic techniques, a little bit like Oriental approaches
do, but without any reference to religion.
I'm determined that happiness is available for almost anyone,
and that it depends much more on our own way of thinking than
on the outside world. One cannot become rich overnight (unless
hitting the jackpot, which is rare), but yes, everybody can
become happy. Instantly. This book would tell you how.
First of all, you can do exercises every day. In the morning
you can wake up realizing that you are still alive, you are
not sick, you still have ten fingers and ten toes and so on.
You should appreciate that. You can enjoy the workings of your
body, the muscles, the circulation, the lungs, the heart.
Even hunger means a lot: you have a stomach, you have saliva,
you have your digesting apparatus -- all running, all under
your command. Use your body, stretch your arms and legs, take
steps in the room. When you shave or comb, smile at the mirror,
and enjoy that the mirror smiles back. This is the first exchange
of smiles every day, and it will be followed by many more smiles.
When you have breakfast, eat slowly and enjoy the way food gets
chewed and moves down. Appreciate every bite. Enjoy the process
of eating and concentrate your attention on it. You can enjoy
the flavors as well, but on this level it really does not matter
whether your food is tasty or not. To eat is wonderful, by itself.
When you go out of your home, breathe in the fragrance of the
world: identify the trees and bushes, the flowers, the grass,
and the fresh air. Enjoy the early morning sunshine, and be
happy: your neighbors have also survived the night. Say hello
to them, and enjoy the continuity of events.
If you have a car, enjoy that you can be polite with other
drivers, enjoy your own civility (when others get mad at each
other). If you take a bus or use the subway, enjoy the other
people (this is a good opportunity to realize: you are not
alone!). If you have a seat and an elderly and fragile person
gets on, and no one else yields his or her seat, you may do
it, to enjoy your ability to help others. By the time you get
off, you may collect quite a few praises from others (and if
not from them, then from yourself). You may become your hero,
confirmed every morning.
At the workplace the pleasure starts again: your coworkers are
fine, too, you can now appreciate the fact that you still have
a job, you have something meaningful to do, your working
environment is good or tolerable (the temperature is good,
no rain, etc.), and in general, everything feels normal (at
least as normal as yesterday).
When you have to work, enjoy your movements, enjoy your control.
When at a break, enjoy that you may have a rest. When getting
back to work, enjoy your energy. Some days may drag more than
others, but if you focus on what you have done, it becomes
meaningful after all.
After work you can enjoy freedom, shopping, the crowd in the
streets (again: you are not alone). If you want to have a good
time, read a good book or watch TV. If your eyes are tired, put
on a good CD and listen to it with your eyes shut and your headset
on. (This practice is not only good so that others do not get
frustrated, if they do not share your peculiar preferences in
music, but it also insulates you from the outside world and it
makes you sink in the vibrations of music.)
If you live alone, enjoy your freedom. If you are horny, watch
an erotic movie, read an erotic novel and masturbate, then
appreciate your ability to do all this and to survive with
pleasure. (In a restrictive society you can add the pleasure
of being free of inhibitations.) If you live with a partner,
turn to him or her, and enjoy the pleasure of being a happy
couple. By the time you turn off the lights, you should feel
relaxed. You can recall the numerous good moments of your day.
(If there were too few, you can cheat and add some from yesterday...)
The focus should be all day on the good points, on the good things
you have and not on the things you don't have. Don't let bad news
(from the papers, from the TV, from gossips) affect you, ruin your
mood. Listen selectively: get only the most important facts,
especially if you are involved. Don't worry about South African
diamond mines -- unless you own one.
Assume that you had a wonderful day, so good that it can hardly be
reproduced. Don't worry. Start every day from zero. This is one of
the most important tricks. Happiness is relative. This is why slaves
could sing out of joy and the richest people of the world would
still kill themselves. The point of reference is everything. If
you do not compare your situation to the best situations in your
life (possibly long ago) or to the situation of others (possibly
much better than yours), then you will be able to see the good
points. One tragedy of the spoiled youth today is that for them
the standard to which they compare their current situation is too
high. Not only is it as high as their best situation so far but
the advertisements make them expect more every day. They are slaves
of a future they will never be able to reach -- since when they
get what they want now, they will want to get much more. So stop
expecting, and start appreciating.
There is a natural ambition in us which drives us to live better,
to own more, to get higher, to ensure better ciscumstances for our
children etc. It is fine -- as long as it does not enslave us. There
is a basic set of properties which makes it possible for us to live
a decent life, without worrying about food and shelter. We should
be able to eat and should have basic tools for this. But the
difference between silver and plastic utensils is less important.
We should have a good sleep in a bed. But it is not that important
how pretty the bed and the bed-cloths.
You can want more and better things but you should weigh the profit
and the cost. Time is money and money is time and time is your life.
Is it worth to own a private airplane if you have to work for years
to get it? Is a Carribbean vacation worth six months of your life?
You can ask yourself these questions about a lot of things people
normally want to have, from fashionable sneakers to gold chains
to a newer car to a bigger house. You can even weigh things like
living alone or sharing your apartment with someone else. It is not
only a valid question when you are a college student. It is always
valid. (As for me, if I had no rentor, I would have to moonlight
for the same money. I've decided my privacy is just not worth a
second job.) Of course, a lot of people ask themselves, but the
majority decides to work more to own more. And then they still
feel unhappy.
Balancing out your life is another important trick of feeling
happy. One often has an alternative in life, such as going to
this college and become a Nobel Prize winner in astrophysics
or going to that college and become a football star. Or dating
this or dating that. Or applying for this job or for that job.
My suggestion is: build a structure where the advantages and
the drawbacks roughly balance each other. Then if either option
materializes, it will never be a tragedy, you can focus on the
good points. (An example: once I applied for an interesting job
but it was a little risky, as opposed to my current, tedious but
safe position. If I had gotten the risky job I would have been
happy for the adventure, and when I did not get it, I was still
satisfied with the safety of my existing job.) This balance does
not mean that you are indifferent. On the contrary: you are aware
of the advantages of both sides, so either way you do not lose
anything, but you are able to enjoy the situation. And this is
no self-deception. In real life the good points and bad points
are well balanced, this is the normal state of things. It happens
that certain things surprise us, they knock us off balance. But
if we have this balancing routine, we can build this framework
real fast and regain our balance. There are bad things which will
be with us for a long time. No problem. They can serve us as bases
of comparison. And we can appreciate our future good points even
more.
As we age, our values and skills are constantly changing. But if
we are conscious enough, we do not take this process as a loss
but as a natural change. We lose one thing and obtain another. We
lose physical strength but get mental strength. We lose boldness but
get wisdom. We lose passion but get beauty. The balance will remain
in our life.
This focus on balance will even work in the area of personal
relationships. Your partner may break up with you but it has a
good point: now you become free to choose another. One door closes,
another opens. And if your partner has decided not to love you
anymore, you do not really lose anything. What you feel you have
lost is not yours, it does not exist anymore. Why would you insist
to have a wife/husband who would cheat on you?
Related to this focus on balance is the issue of will. If you want
balance, you may not want anything very much. If you want something,
you surrender yourself to disappointment. Wanting something badly is
a road to mental suffering. Instead, a balance-oriented person would
choose from the existing options.
The issue of resources is also critical. You can really want something
which you are able to get using your own resources. For instance, an
adult can buy a new TV if he or she chooses to do so. A young child
cannot. A young child has to negotiate, has to manipulate the parents
to buy something for him or her. If you want something you do not
have the resources for, you have a chance to get disappointed in
the end. A lot of people are unhappy because they started wanting
something they did not have the resources to get. And this is not
only valid about objects. If you want to go on a trip with your
partner, and with your partner by all means, you want to use him
or her to get your satisfaction. And this is risky, this frequently
leads to failure and disappointment in marriages. (You can still
try manipulation, but it can hit back. No one likes to feel
manipulated.)
Using your own resources makes you feel confident and safe. It is
true that if you refuse outside sources, like a loan from a bank,
you may reach your goals later. But in a happy and well-balanced
life the question of when is not as important as the question of
what. And if you enjoy life as much as you can, nothing can really
be added to your maximum happiness. This is an area where 1 + 1 is
not 2, but a stronger 1, a richer 1.
The issue of compromises has to be addressed because we normally
play the game with others, and there are games where one wins
and someone else loses. If they decide to reach a compromise,
neither side will get all, but they will not lose, either. My
problem with compromises is that in most cases both players lose.
They already wanted something, and now they can get less. It is
clearly a loss, for both sides. What I recommend is cooperation.
What you cannot do with a partner, you will not do. The difference
is in the starting point. In the former case you start with a
goal and you get frustrated because it cannot be fully reached.
In the latter, you only have a vague idea, and you start looking
for a partner. If you do not find a partner for your idea, then
the idea proves to be unreal. If you do find the right partner,
you can be happy. No frustration, no disappointment. Do not
expect, but take advantage: this is the route toward happiness.
This cooperative model also shows that the resources of others
can never be granted. Now, what happens if we would like to do
something but there are no partners to cooperate with? We can
still do it alone, using our own resources. Or we can cooperate
with someone else. (A wife is never taken to the opera by her
husband. Finally goes with another lady.)
Marriage can be happy if this model works. Even if there is no
practical cooperation (the husband loves car races and the wife
loves gardening), doing things separately is still better than
forcing something on to others. With no cooperation, a mutual
respect and understanding can still be reached -- as opposed
to the mutual frustration of compromises (today the wife is
irritated by the race, tomorrow the husband will be bored at
a gardening show).
If you are happy and well-balanced, you will radiate with it.
Others may be attracted to you, but because of their own
inbalance they can get frustrated easily. Your balance will
be appreciated mostly by other happy and well-balanced people.
Two happy persons can share their happiness and can intensify
it. However, happiness is very often personal and unique. What
this means is that different people may like different things,
and when they want to share their own pleasures they may not
agree on what is good and what is not. Two happy people may
create a more intense harmony but this only last for a short
time. These joint happy moments are all the more valuable.
The interesting thing is that when the common joy between two
persons ends, the both fall back into their own happiness --
it is always there, it is the basis.
If you are ill-balanced, learn to watch and consider other
models. Most of us are conditioned to follow the majority
of people in everything, from gestures to clothing to
phrases. But the majority is not happy, the majority strives
to be happier today than yesterday and the majority fails in
this. If you want to be really happy you must discover other
models.
When we speak about joint happiness we think of the happiness
of a married couple most of the time. But it is not necessary
that two should be the limit. Sex is very likely the most
enjoyable and safest between two steady partners (of the
opposite sex or of the same sex), but love as affection is
a broader concept, it may incorporate everything. Think of
Christian love: a whole congregation can be happy to learn
that one member has recuperated from illness. The same happens
with true friends: they worry together and feel relived together.
You can consider the joint happiness of three or more people,
men and women alike. But what was stated before about the joint
happiness of two people will apply: this common happiness is
fragile. Each member of this happy group needs to be, to become,
a happy individual as well. This like group aerobatics: only
those can do common tricks in the air who are good pilots on
their own.
In this be-happy book a separate chapter should be devoted
to conflicts and how to handle them. Strictly speaking, this
is an extra, since if you have a happy personality, you are
insensitive to conflicts. They are out of you, in the external
world, and as such, do not necessarily affect you. On the
other hand, to handle a conflict is a test of your autonomy
and integrity, a "moment of truth."
The simplest case is when someone insults you verbally. If
this happens in private, between you and the insulting person,
you can ignore it, since it will not change the world around
you. Somebody's negative opinion cannot do any harm to you.
On the contrary: it revals the personality of the insulter,
and you can even learn from the criticism if it has some
truth in it. (An example: my girlfriend accuses me with
cheating, based on notes she could only get from my private
diary. What does this tell me? 1. She has read my diary.
2. She assumes that I've cheated on her. 3. She may even
suggest a name I might have good chances with. This is a
joke, but shows the information we may have from an insult,
so we should not be offended, instead, be grateful.)
If a verbal attack happens in front of others, it is a
quite different situation. Of course, it still has some
features of the former case: you can learn from that too.
On the other hand, if the accusation is wrongful, you
have to defend yourself. This is a game, and it is always
better to win than to lose. This game has its own rules,
and you had better learn them.
A special case of this when you fight not for yourself but
for some friend, spouse, parent, etc. At least there are
situations when the spectators expect you to defend someone
else. Because this is not your personal case, you have just
gotten involved, you cannot control the situation as easily
as when you are insulted alone. But in every case you should
weigh the pros and cons, weigh the cost and the profit before
you make up your mind. And in some cases the best decision is
to run away and call for help when you are safe. (It may be
that your girlfriend will say you were a coward when you did
not defend her with your fists, but if you enter a fight before
anyone else knows, both of you can end up beaten up and no one
will help, no one will know.)
Part of conflict management is how you handle uncertain
situations. You can get hurt even when no one intended
to hurt you. There are a lot of misunderstandings in everyday
life which often lead to conflicts. A happy person, naturally,
will be very cautious. If your date has not arrived, he or she
could be detained by traffic, may have had an accident, etc.
You do not know. And if you do not know what happened, you can
not get real hurt. To look for an explanation and to wait for
it should be the first thing to do. Emotions should come later.
A lot of people get hurt automatically, and then you are stuck:
you have to handle your hurt first, while the person you think
has hurt you may not have the faintest idea of your feelings.
There are other books about handling verbal insults and hurts,
but my recommendation is: first try to find out what has
happened and only afterwards should you have your opinion
of the situation. Of course, it may happen that it was really
your partner's fault and then, finally, you can get hurt.
However, by this time your original anger typically evaporates.
The tension is gone, but the experience remains.
Guilty conscience, accusing yourself is a special case of pain.
And you cannot change the past. Certain degree of shock does not
do any harm. But a great deal of self-reproach makes no sense.
You must be able to learn from your own blunders and wrong-doings.
Always turn the bad things into good actions. Let the future heal
the past. Even when feeling guilty, you can recreate your balance,
only now the determination to mend a fault must be part of this
balance. In other words, this type of mental balance is more
active. You are not automatically happy but in a condition: you
are happy if ... you will correct your behavior and compensate
for the bad things.
And there are situations when these tricks cannot help. There is
real pain. When you lose your parents or children, there's no
use of making yourself happy no matter what. Or you may realize
that your whole life has been screwed, you were marching in the
wrong direction all the time. There is time when you cannot help
crying out your pain. If you want to be happy, you must be able
to go through the hell of suffering and loss. Even this may prove
useful in the end. You can use these worst moments later, as a
base of comparison.
This book could help a lot of people change their lives for
the better, obtain wisdom and relief. Exercises may be added
so that the words and actions may become interwoven.
Someone should write this book.