1 - Possible effects when you first learn of your loved one's problems, whether it is your child, your sibling, your partner, your father or your mother:
a - shock - for which you have been able to make no preparation.
b - guilt - is it my fault? - should I have seen the earlier signs?
c - pain and grief - losing someone you love.
d - sense of betrayal - why didn't you tell me sooner?
e - sense of losing control - a problem you can't solve.
f - anger - how could you do this to me?
g - embarrassment and shame - how will others react when they learn of this?
h - fear: for yourself - can I cope with this and for your loved one - how will he or she cope with all that this entails?
i - perhaps concerns about religious implications.
j - perhaps, relief that a mystery has been solved.
2 - Difficulty of understanding what has led to these problems:
a - complexities of gender identity development:
i - from the moment of conception, when we all appear undifferentiated,
ii - but are then influenced by genetic and hormonal factors to appear, at birth, in most cases
predominately female or male,
iii - through childhood and adolescence, when biological and social influences shape our gender
identities
iv - into adulthood, when all people are to some degree male and female,
v - and there is a one in eighty chance that a person will have some unusual combination of
femaleness and maleness of body and/or brain.
b - your ultimate gender identity, that is, whether you identify as 'male' or female' is determined, to a large extent, by the structure of the brain - it is, fundamentally, who you are.
c - gender identity is different from sexual orientation, i.e. sexual attraction to males or females
d - uncertainty and delay in understanding that the innate gender identity may differ from that assumed at birth. The condition affects only a small number of people, who should not be regarded as having a mental illness or disability.
3 - Problem of knowing the best way to respond:
a - initial shock and resistance to the idea are natural reactions
b - you do need to be convinced that this is the right path for the person you love
4 - The fruitless search for easy solutions:
a - unlikely, and perhaps unsafe, for the adult trans person to change his or her mind and revert to the initial gender role and presentation
b - impossible to keep it a secret.
c - very probably, your loved one has already reached crisis point before telling you.
5 - Possible failure to recognise that the person sharing this news with you is:
a - still fundamentally the same.
b - feeling as fond of you as ever
c - aware of the pain that this situation causes you and feeling sorrow about that.
d - driven by an overwhelming need to live in accordance with his/her innate gender identity.
e - reliant on your acceptance, listening, understanding, advice, support and, above all, love.