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Father Of A Bird
An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife that
she should take out life insurance.
"Suppose your husband were to die," he said, "what would you
get?"
The housewife thought for a while, and then said,
"Oh, a parrot, I think. Then the house wouldn't seem so quiet."
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Wrong Number Really
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a
round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon.
So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones
home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle
Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do.
Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside
the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes
back to the phone.
"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming,
then
she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and
now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared,
and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool.
But he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to
clean it,
so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now
he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 601138?"
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A Cure Worse Than Disease
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his
office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very
serious disease, combined with horrible stress.
If you don't
do the following, your husband can die.
Each morning, fix him
a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant and make sure he is in a
good mood.
For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal.
For dinner,
prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him
with chores.
Don't discuss your stress; this will probably
make him feel worse.
And most importantly, you must be
intimate with your husband every day of the week.
If you can
do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the
doctor say to you?"
"You're going to die."
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Blame The Victim
A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights
broken and considerable damage.
There's no sign of the
offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a
note stuck under the windshield wiper.
"Sorry.
I just backed into your Beemer.
The witnesses who saw
the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think
I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars.
But I'm
not."
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Revenge
Jack, a lawyer, lies dying with his partner of 40 years by his
bedside.
"Mike, I've got to confess.
I've been sleeping with
your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter.
On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a
decade."
"Relax," says Mike, "and don't think another thing about it.
I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
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o ! wait I know this one
An airhead goes for a job interview in an office.
The
interviewer starts with the basics. "So, Miss, can you tell
us your age, please?"
The airhead counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute
before replying.
"Um ... 22."
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break
the ice.
"And can you tell us your height, please?"
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from
her handbag.
She then traps one end under her foot and
extends the tape to the top of her head.
She checks the
measurement and announces, "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real
basics; something the she won't have to count, measure, or
lookup.
"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen
seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before
replying, "Jenny!"
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he
asks, "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"
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The Perfect Employee?
1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.
Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.
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One HELL Of A Joke
Be careful that you type in the right address when you send
an email. Who knows what might happen:
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to
Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop
into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to
his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,
JennJohnson@global.com.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the
email ended up going to JeanJohnson@global.com,
a Jean
Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a priest who had just passed
away and was buried that day.
The priest's wife took one look
at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
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Melts In Your Mouth
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend
with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts
eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them
off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother,
"Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off them."
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CatScAn
One day an old lady's dog passed out on her floor.
She was
used to her dog playing dead, so she thought nothing of it,
but three days passed and still the dog didn't move, so she
became worried.
She took the dog to her local veterinarian.
The vet set the dog on an observation table and began
examining the dog.
A couple minutes later, the vet left the
room.
Then he returned with a cage and inside the cage was a
cat.
He set the cage next to the dog and let the cat out.
The cat walked around the dog three times then went back into
his cage.
A few minutes later the vet came to the old lady and said
"I'm sorry, but you're dog is dead. That'll be 250 dollars."
"250 dollars! For what?!" Shouted the old lady.
"Well, 50 dollars for the examination, and 200 dollars for
the cat scan."
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More Than Will
A woman offered a brand-new car for sale for a price of ten
dollars.
A man answered the ad, but he was slightly
skeptical.
"What's the gimmick?" he inquired.
"No gimmick," the woman answered.
"My husband died, and in
his will he asked that the car be sold and the money go to
his secretary."
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