boag_patience-8

PATIENCE by Boag <<< part 7

PART 8

Without Richey the dynamic of the band altered and shifted. Musically there was little difference, but they felt as though a mute ghost was present who haunted them with his absence. He persisted in the pit of their thoughts speaking to them with an unheard voice, they reached out for him but he was adrift in a lost and unreachable place. They learned to cope because they had to and being able to concentrate on the album lessened the otherwise unremitting sense of unease. Nicky seemed to take his want worst and transformed into a silent and insular creature. He daren’t admit it to himself or anyone else but a powerful resentment manifested in him, he blamed James and his feelings grew stronger day by day into a blossoming hatred.

James could feel that Nicky was changed towards him; sometimes he would look up and notice his once closest of all friends fixed stare. Sean too had sinister feelings but directed them inward to himself, although knowing in all rationality that he was not at fault he felt as though he had brought a curse to the Manics and that they too were destined to split unhappily. On the surface James appeared to be almost oblivious to the destruction surrounding him but it was a projection to cover the turmoil, he shared Nicky’s feelings of resentment and hatred, he felt them about himself and couldn’t escape the damning judgement of his own emotions.

They stayed in constant contact as Richey polished lyrics with Nicky and designed the sleeves and gave his opinions on music that Sean and James had made. Meanwhile he made his own plans for life outside of The Manic Street Preachers. He invested money into a flat for himself and a number of other properties which he would give a lick and a promise to before renting them out. Until the incoming rent was sufficient to cover his living expenses he would tutor students of all ages. He discovered that through these two things he would make a very comfortable living. It wasn’t the way he had imagined his life going but the notion that he would able to make his own money was a liberating one. Only a select number of people outside of the band knew about Richey’s holiday. All of the families had been told straight away mainly due to he likelihood of bumping into Richey in Blackwood. The Halls knew and so did the people producing and mixing the album.

As far as anyone else was concerned Richey was still a member but that was due to be amended when the album came out unbeknown too all others save Richey. Once it was released a statement would be released with it announcing his departure, Sean’s ever curious mind already had an inkling tat Richey’s holiday was going to turn into a more permanent arrangement but as with so many other ideas he kept this between himself and Richey. Nicky had started to nag him about when he would be coming back but so far Richey had managed to disguise his true intent with a lot of well meaning but vague statements. Richey was tiring of the constant lies he was telling and the time was approaching when he was going to have to tell the truth.

James life was speeding towards a commitment he had become unsure of making. He felt Emma’s wedding plans were progressing faster than he could remember agreeing to but in reality the pace was no different from any other wedding. It seemed so fast to James because he was having second thoughts, the seed the last fuck sowed was sprouting. At first he tried to convince himself that if he could delay the wedding his doubts would pass and Richey would have more time to get used to the idea. There was no question of his love for Emma but the fact was that the desire to keep the band together was stronger than that and stronger still was his need to be close to Richey. He hadn’t known that the strength to deny his former lover had come from his constant proximity, now that he was far away James’ resolve had crumbled and he ached for Richey to return. He was sleeping fitfully and eating very little. His new found insomnia had enlisted Nicky’s sympathy simply because Nicky knew he must be hurting badly to keep him awake, normally he slept easily and deeply. At night he would take tablets to help get him to sleep or just down a bottle of whiskey before bed time and that would knock him out for a few hours but eventually it would wear off and in the early hours of the morning he would wake.

The need for Richey’s body near him was never more pungent, waking to find an empty and dark room was often such a shock that he would instantly break into tears and sobs. Nicky would hear and hasten to his room finding James holding a pillow to his chest almost ripping it to pieces with his grasp. His muscles would tense to the point where they hurt as he tried to repress the convulsing sobs that rippled through him unchecked. “I want Richey” was all he would say and Nicky could offer no soothing words so he would wrap his long and slender body around James forcing it to calm under him and whisper “ssssshhhhhh” into James ear. After a few hours he would eventually drop back off to sleep only to awake again if Nicky removed his body. They both were exhausted from the nightly ritual. Sean too spent many nights awake entertaining his own dark breed of thoughts but he preferred to spend them alone, his pain was his own.

Richey’s sister had recently had a baby and Richey had offered to care for it whilst she went back to work part time and save her money until she was on full time wages again. He was devoted and loving to his nephew and found joy in holding such a tiny fragile baby in his arms. Rachel returned from work one day to find Richey sitting on the sofa with the baby in his arms feeding him.
“You know you’re so good at this, I’d hire you full time if you weren’t going back t the Manics soon”
Richey just looked up and smiled pretending to be engrossed to avoid the question he knew was coming next.
“When are you going back? The album must be nearly finished, right? You’ll be starting the publicity and then the tour soon?”
He was silent.
“Richey…?”
“Actually I’m not planning on returning now”
“Oh…why not?”
“I don’t want to”
“But…I don’t understand”
“Don’t try…its too complicated”
“Have you told them?”
“No, not yet, I’m phoning them tonight a per usual so I am going to tell them then”
“It’s going to be hard”
“Yeah…so hard…but I’ve got to”
When the finality of the words struck his sister he saw the shocked and empty look on her face. At last he couldn’t avoid admitting to himself he was playacting in this life, everything he’d done to sustain himself was a charade, he would never be happy without being in the Manics but he couldn’t go back, he had made his decision and he knew it was for the best.

The phone rang and they all knew who it was, Richey always rung at this time to touch base and Sean always answered first. The spoke for about 10 minutes before Sean handed the phone over to Nicky. They chatted and James took the phone last.
“Hello, how are you James?”
“Hey Android! I’m good thanks, missing you though”
Richey laughed at how emotive James had become in his absence.
“Missing you too…how are plans for the wedding going”
“Yes the wedding…fast…it’s all happening very fast”
“Well this is what you wanted”
“I thought there’d be more time before we had to start sorting out the little things like ribbon colour!”
“That’s the joy of weddings, everything has got to match! Sorted out a honeymoon yet”
“She’s doing everything, I think she might have mentioned a few ideas but nothing certain, I’ll have to wait for my weekly update! To be honest Richey I am having cold feet”
“Everyone has cold feet...talk to Nicky, I’m sure he did”
“I did talk to him and no he didn’t, he said when you’re in love there shouldn’t be any doubts, he said he’s never felt one”
“Well maybe you shouldn’t listen to Nicky; he can be a bit…superhuman sometimes”
“Don’t you mean over the top?!”
“Yeah well that too!”

James wanted Richey to ask why he was having cold feet but Richey refused to play along, he did want to know but he wasn’t about give into curiosity.
“I don’t suppose you ever had cold feet about us did you?”
“Never…anyway how are the last tracks going?” Richey steered the conversation away, he needed to know if the album was ready so he could either tell them he was leaving or put it off to next week”
“All but done, just need you to approve the mix… so what did you think of the last tape”
“You’re not going to like what I have to tell you James”
Richey’ stomach clenched, he had been preparing for this moment for weeks but now it was here he wasn’t so sure he could go through with it.
“What?! You didn’t like it? I was so sure you would”
“You don’t need my approval…not anymore”
“You’re still a part of this band Richey”
“Well actually that’s the main reason I’ve rung tonight, I’m leaving the band for good, and whatever happens in the band now is up to you three”

James was stunned; he had expected criticism about the sound of the last songs he had sent to Richey, instead the man he felt increasingly desperate for was moving yet further from him.
In a weak voice he said “but you promised me you were coming back”
“I did say that but it has become apparent to me that I can’t”
“WHY THE HELL NOT?!”
The raised voices drew Nicky and Sean into the room, they tried to ask James what was happening but he was only listening to one voice and asked them to leave until he was finished speaking to Richey.
“This isn’t fair; you can’t do this to us!”
“I’m not doing this to hurt you or to ruin the band. I have broken my heart over this decision. I have to think about what is best for me and I just can be around you especially now you’re getting married, it’s too painful”
“You can’t blame me and my future wife for…”
“Did I say anything about blaming you or Emma? I am leaving the band so you can get married and so you can be successful. Nothing good can come if I stay?”
“I don’t know what to say…is there anything I can do to stop you?”
“No because I’d never ask you to do it”
“I can’t be with you, you know that!
“That’s not what I meant”
“Oh I see…you mean for me and Emma not to be together…you mean that I can never have a relationship with anybody else don’t you?”
“Yes, unless you can be with me I can’t watch you be with someone else”
“I see”

Richey was anxious to make James see this wasn’t what he was asking of him, he was trying to set James free “but James, I’m not asking you to do that, I can’t, despite how I feel about you I would never ask you to do that…go and get Nicky James, I think we’re done aren’t we?”
“We’re never going to be done Richey are we?!”
“We are done now”
“Here’s Nicky”
Nicky could tell something was seriously wrong from James’ tear streamed face.
“Honey what’s happening”
“I’m leaving the band”
“You’re joking aren’t you? Honey whatever this is about we can work it out”
“No we can’t, I‘ve made my decision Nicky”
Nicky started to sob instantly” I can’t believe this is happening! Why are you doing this, why?!”

Sean pulled the phone out of Nicky’s hands and talked to Richey whilst James and Nicky sobbed together. Suddenly Nicky pushed James away.
“This is your fault! I’ll never forgive you” Nicky was screaming, he’d never spoken to James like that before and he had never pushed him either.
Sean had put the phone down and removed Nicky pulling him by his shoulders and guiding from James.
“We need to leave James alone for a while”
Sean had to wrestle Nicky to he ground and sit on him whilst Nicky continued to scream “NO, NO! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!” at James, then he just screeched into the air and wrapped his arms about his face.
James went up to his room and ran a bath. Whilst he lay there immersed he made the most difficult decision of his life. He would phone Emma and call it off, not just the engagement but the whole relationship. He couldn’t lose Richey or the band.

James had known it wouldn’t be easy but Emma had reacted even worse than he had expected and the moment he put the phone down on her his mum rang demanding to know what he was playing at. Once he’d been shouted at by her Rhian had rung and told him what a plonk she thought he was closely followed by Rachel. Sean and Nicky hadn’t said a word, they knew that James was making the choice between Emma and Richey and they were pleased that Richey had finally won. Now it was time for James to phone Richey and tell him the good news, despite having just split up with the woman he loved he couldn’t wait to speak to Richey, he naively anticipated applause.

“Hello”
“Hey baby it’s me”
“James?”
“Yep”
“What do you want?”
“Got something to tell you”
“She’s not pregnant is she?” groaned Richey at the sound of his friends chirpy voice.
“NO! I’ve split from Emma”
“What?!”
“I broke off the engagement and the relationship…had it in the ear all night from me mam, Rhian and Rachel!”
“Why?”
“What do you mean why?”
“I told you I didn’t want you to do this”
“No you told me you weren’t asking me to do this”
“I didn’t think….”
“Without you we have fallen apart. By some bizarre use of logic Sean blames himself for you leaving. Nicky blames me, today he told me he hated me and I have hated me too. We can’t lose you, this band is more important than that and if marrying her means I sacrifice you then how can I do that?”

Richey was stunned, he hadn’t expected this, he had started to make preparations for his new life without the Manic Street Preachers, and for the first time in years he felt relaxed and even a little bit happy. Although the pain of losing James was there he could cope because it was his decision, the fact that there would be no more fights had been more than a relief, but here was James again throwing everything up into the air.
“You shouldn’t have done that James”
“Why? It’s what you wanted”
“So now you expect me to come back? You’ve clicked your fingers and made it all better so I can stop throwing a tantrum and came back with my tail between my legs?”
“I thought this was what you wanted?”
“So you’re not with her anymore? Big deal, what happens when the next girlfriend comes along and this starts all over again? Unless you have left her for me than it’s not good enough”
“I’ve rearranged my life for you!”
“But you’re still not willing to be my lover are you?”
“There won’t be anymore girlfriends that I can promise you, as long as you don’t begrudge me taking women to bed then…”
“Oh James this is bullshit! This is isn’t life! You’re chucking away your life just to keep me but you I’ll still be on hold always waiting for you”
“The Manics are my life and yours too”
“Yeah but is that enough?”
“It has to be”
“Ok you win James, I’m coming back, but I hate how you’ve forced me”
“I’ll make it up to you”
“Why don’t I believe you?”
“But you’re coming back right?”
“Yes…we’re four again”
“Richey I love you”

Richey couldn’t believe it, the words he had longed to hear from James had finally come out and how could he doubt him when he destroyed a relationship just for Richey.
“God James I love you”
They both cried.
“I wish I could hold you”
“Say it again”
“I love you…I know saying I love you doesn’t make it all ok and I know it won’t make up for the fact that I am still refusing to be your boyfriend but I hope that it helps”
“All the pain and hurt was worth it, I would wait another million years to hear you say that again, but I won’t ever stop trying to make you my boyfriend”
“Yeah I know, so we’re in this for the long haul”
“Absolutely…now go tell Nicky and Sean”
“Ok”
“Before you go…one more time”
“I love you Richey”
“I love you James”

James walked in red and sore from crying but beaming.
“He’s coming back!”
“Richey?!”
“Yep…he’s thought about it and decided the Manics have to be four!”
It was at this point it occurred to Sean that something wasn’t right “no way was this all caused by Richey loving Emma, how could he know he loved her anyway after spending a few minutes with her, their story adds unless you put Richey into the equation and then it just doesn’t make any sense”. He decided to keep his thoughts to himself, Nicky was happily satisfied with what he thought he knew and there was a good reason why Richey and James had lied to them both, he just didn’t know what it was.

Nicky threw his arms around James and apologised for how he had reacted earlier “James I’m sorry I said I hated you, I didn’t mean it, it was just the shock of losing Richey”
“It’s ok Nicky and don’t you dare lie to me, you did mean it and you were right to say it…all that matters is he is coming back to us”
“How did Emma take it?”
“Hmmm use your imagination! Called me every name under the sun and I infuriated her by refusing to give her a good reason”
“What did you say?”
“I told her I didn’t love her”
“That was a lie though”
“Yeah…well sort of…the fact is I love Richey more”
Now Sean saw it wasn’t Emma Richey had been in love with, it was James!

part 9 >>>

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