enola_new-beginning

A NEW BEGINNING by Enola

James has already asked you to go out with him 3 times and you, for 3 times, have refused his invitation finding a silly excuse each time. Last time you told him that as you work at Hall Or Nothing you think that going out only the 2 of you it's not a good idea. You've know each other for 4 months and you can say to know him enough to say he's the most honest person you've ever met, he always says openly what he thinks and this is the think you most like about him. Consequently, he expects the same from other people and you've heard that he gets furious when he realizes someone is not sincere with him. That's the reason of your refusal, you don't want to lie to him, but you are aware about the fact you can't either tell him the truth about yourself, it'd be even worse! The only thing you can do is going on with your "no, I can't" despite the fact it's very difficult. But it's the best thing to do for everyone, especially for you. When you thought it was over, your life changed and you're scared to spoil everything because you wouldn't have the strength to react again. It's better in this way, you just have to bear that general curiosity towards you, about your reserve, about your total refusal to talk about your family, but especially about 'those strange bandages that cover your wrists'.

One evening you go to a pub with some of your colleagues and there you meet James. You all sit in a table and some minutes later, James joins you. He takes a chair and places it between you and one of your colleagues and start talking and for almost an hour you have a great time. Afterwards one of your colleagues suggests going somewhere else 'cos the atmosphere there is quite boring and you all agree, but before to go you tell the other you have to go to the toilet. James tells the guys to go ahead while he waits for you. Afterwards you leave the pub to join the others who are waiting for you in a club not far from there. While you are walking along the street James stops to buy some fags. At that very moment you see a smiling girl walking towards you,
"Alexandra? Yeah, it's you! What a surprise!"

You look at her astonished, you can't believe she can recognize you while you don't have a clue who the hell she can be. But as she called you with that name you hate, it means you know each other, unfortunately! You try to get rid of her,
"I'm sorry, I think you must be mistaking me for someone else."
The girl shakes her head and still smiling she says,
"It's impossible! Don't you remember me? We used to attend the same college in Switzerland. You're Alexandra Stewart-Wilson, aren't you?"

When James hears those words gets pale! Everyone knows that name. It belongs to one of the richest British men, your father, an earl, a Member of Parliament and a distant relative of Her Majesty! He's a so-called *bigwig*, an evil and unscrupulous man. James looks at you for a while with an angry expression in his face, then he goes away from you quickly. You follow him screaming his name, but he doesn't stop. You run till you reach him and touch his arm begging him to let you give him an explanation, but he doesn't stop and in a little while he disappears.

You haven't been seeing him for a week and when he gets to Hall Or Nothing for the 1st time after that night, you try to talk to him once again. He tries to ignore you, but finally he says in a very rough way that he wants nothing to do with a fucking heiress. Some hours later, something terrible happens, something that could destroy your life forever. You can't believe your eyes when you see your mother in front of you. You haven't been seeing her for almost 8 months and now her presence terrifies you.

"What the hell are you doing here? How do you manage to find me?" you scream at her frightened.
She looks at you as usual, with an extreme serious look in her eyes and replies with a severe tone, "Alexandra, I came here to bring you home."
You start shivering and hiss, "Stay away from me. Why don't you leave me alone once and for all?"
She raises her voice "How dare you to talk to your mother in this way?"

Meanwhile, your colleagues arrive there attracted by your screams and in a few seconds also Martin; Terry and James arrive, but you don't care about them at all.

"You aren't my mother, you haven't ever been a mother!" You scream in rage, "Where the hell were you when I needed you? Where were you every year at Christmas, ah? You were somewhere abroad, and me? I spent every Christmas *alone* with our domestics! And when were you when I had my 1st period? I thought I was about to die 'cos anybody hadn't ever told me anything about that! I was only 10, I was so frightened and lonely." You don't manage to hold your tears any longer, "You haven't ever loved me, why?" say you sobbing, "I wish you were dead!" you scream with hate, so she comes close to you and slaps you hard across the face and mutters,
"You're just a little bitch. You have dishonoured the name of our family. This was your last chance."
You put your hand on your sore cheek and hiss with all your rage you hate her, then you go away and run as fast as you can under the rain.

The day after.

You've been drinking vodka since morning, since you got that letter. Someone knocks at the door. You manage to stand up from your sofa, but your head is spinning and reach the door staggering and open it. It's James.
"Hi Sandy!" He greets you in a very kind way, you go away from the door and collapse again on the sofa. He enters and closes the door, but he keeps still there looking round. (You live in a small damp room in South London.) "So you live here!" he says a bit surprised.
"Where the fuck did you think I lived? In Buckingham Palace?" reply you harshly keep on drinking. He walks towards you and picks an empty bottle up, but he doesn't say anything, so you speak, "Why did you come here, James?" you mumble,
"We all are worried for you…" he replies coming closer.
You laugh, "You don't have to. 'Cos I'm fine. I'm free at last!! Read that letter!"
He picks a sheet up and reads it. "What does it mean?" he asks,

"It's from my parents’s lawyers…They have disinherited me. I'm not their daughter anymore, but in reality, I have never been that. Just think - when they'll die I won't get anything!" You burst out laughing, "I don't give a f.uck about their money!!" You slowly stand up and walk towards the window and go on, "They have planned my life day after day. Best private schools, college, even my wedding! You know, I'd have got married 8 months ago…My father's best friend… twice my age…a despicable man…he used to slap me around…One week before my wedding I escaped from home, but they found me 2 days later. My father locked me in my room…I was desperate…I grasped a table lamp and threw it at the mirror…then I took a little piece of glass and…" you pause and remove those strips of material from your wrists showing 2 horrible scars, "I severed my veins…but it was useless 'cos a servant entered before it was too late…Afterwards my dear parents locked me in a psychiatric hospital…they thought I was mad…but they made me go mad. I spent 3 months there, it wasn't bad after all, one thing was for sure - it was really better than home. It was the only good thing they made…Well, I think you know the rest…"

James has been sitting and silent during your speech. Now he's coming close to you and you can see that his eyes are bright with tears, "I'm so sorry" he whispers.
you go away from him and say roughly, "I don't need your sympathy…go away!"
He comes close to you again, "I can't leave you alone" says him worried.
"I don't need you! I don't need anybody! Leave!" you say aloud, but he keeps still facing you. After a while he walks towards the door and goes away.

2 days later you go at James's. You ring the doorbell and after a while the door opens. You greet him smiling and he seems amazed about that. He lets you enter and tells you to sit down. You sit on the sofa while he sits in an armchair. You start speaking and say you are there to apologize to him about the other day, you were drunk and you didn't mean to… but he cuts you off and says you have no reason to apologize. You simply smile at him, then he goes on saying that Martin told him you went back at work. You reply you just went there 'cos you needed to know if they have dismissed you… he cuts you off once again laughing 'cos he doesn't understand why they would have dismiss you, he doesn't manage to find any good reason for that. You keep on talking for a bit then you tell him you'd better to go 'cos you're very tired, but he suggests going out 'cos you need it and promises you won't be late. He suggests going to the cinema and to drink something later.

The movie was really funny and you both laughed a lot. Then you go to a pub and you just have a tonic 'cos you drank too much vodka during the past few days! At about midnight you tell him you're exhausted and you'd like to go home. So he says,
"Why don't you come at home with me?"
You scowl at him and say annoyed shaking your head, "James please!"
Then he says a bit embarrassed, "Wait wait…you misunderstood me…I didn't mean that…I'll sleep on the sofa, promise! Alone, obviously!"
You smile at him, "Ok, but you'll have to lend me something to wear!"
He smiles back at you, "Well, no problem!"

He gives you a dark blue T-shirt and a pair of grey shorts, so you go to the bathroom to change. When you come back his bedroom he starts laughing as soon as he sees you,
"What the hell…What's so funny, ah?" you ask amazed,
"You!" he replies "I mean that you don't need those shorts after all!"
"It's not my fault if this t-shirt is so big!"
He stops laughing, "Well, joking aside…the sheets are clean, I changed them this morning, so…ehm…I let you sleep now, good night." He walks towards the door, but before he leaves you call him
"James…" then you hold him, "Thank you for everything, you're a wonderful friend!" He also holds you tight rubbing your back.
He kisses your forehead and whispers, "Sleep tight!"

Some hours later you wake up to go to drink something. When you open the door you seen a weak light coming from the sitting room. James is lying on the sofa reading a book.
"Still awake at 4!!" you say amazed, he looks up from his book as he hears your voice,
"I have to read just 10 pages and I want to finish it." You go close to him and sit on the sofa, then he asks in a caring way,
"What about you? Don't you manage to sleep?" you smile,
"Nope, I'm just thirsty…can I drink from your glass?" He nods and so you drink all his whisky, "Oops! Another one?"

You go to fill his glass before he can answer and you pour a glass for you too, so you return to the sofa handing James his glass. You slowly sip your whisky, then you say, "James can I ask you something a bit personal?"
He closes his book and replies, "Sure, you can."
So you start speaking, "You have ever had a wonderful family, I know your mum died a couple of years ago…and even though you're an only child you and Sean grew up as if you were brothers…All that I'd like to know is, how does it feel? I mean when you know there are a lot of people who love you and you love them."

He raises himself and sits close to you, "It's not easy to explain that in words…you feel beautiful sensations…you feel happy, you feel important, you feel…ehm…sorry, but that's the best I can do!"
You look and smile tenderly at him and say, "That's alright, I understand what you mean…you know, my parents haven't ever loved me and I have always hated everyone…I just wanted to know what I've been missing…I'd like to feel loved and love someone at least once to know that." You pause then you add "I'd better to go to sleep"

"Sandy…" says James grasping your hand gently, then he also stands up, and grasps the other hand and holds them in his then he raises them and bending kisses gently the scars on your wrists. He lets your hands and strokes your hair slowly, then he fondles your cheeks and whispers sweetly, "Let me show you how it feels being loved." So he kisses you tenderly and you hold each other tighter and tighter.

When you open your eyes you see James staring and smiling at you. You smile back at him and brush his face.
"So, how does it feel?" whispers James stroking your hair and you finally whisper,
"I feel…I feel…alive!"

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