enola_one-more-chance

ONE MORE CHANCE By Enola

PART 1

We were friends once, or rather, that was what I was to him. We had been schoolmates for years me, Nicky and…James. The two of them were very different but their friendship was something extraordinary, and it still is. At the beginning James was a friend of mine as well but, with time, things changed. I went to college with Nicky and Richey to Swansea and, because of this, they all believed I had a crush on Richey. He was nice and cute, but I had never seen him in that way. The three of us used to spend a lot of time together during the university time, they started to dream they would be a great band one day and that dream came true. I remember that once I told them I didn’t like the idea because I was sure that they would forget about me sooner or later. They looked at each other and burst out laughing. They said they would never do it. They always invited me to their gigs and I went to see them feeling proud of such friends. Little by little, they became more and more famous, but they didn’t change. They always were the valley boys I had known for years.

I had been one of Tony Visconti’s collaborators for almost three years and I enjoyed working with him. Who would have ever thought that one day he would produce some of theirs songs? The news upset me, the only thing I could think of was that I had to do the possible to avoid meeting them. I wished Tony would assign me a task that would keep me away from the recording studios during the week the Manics would record their songs. Unfortunately, I hadn’t much luck. Tony knew I also was Welsh so he thought I was the most suitable person to work with them. He asked if I knew the band. It was obvious that with his ‘knew the band’ he meant their music. I didn’t answered at once. I was conscious that if I hadn’t told him the truth he would have found it out sooner or later. I was honest with him – I said the Manics and I used to be friends years ago. I added I had lost contact with them once I had moved to the States and that they had probably forgotten about me. I spoke to Martin on phone a few times to arrange the recording session. I always introduced myself with that that at the time was my name – Siân Almeida.

March 15, 2004 – Monday
That morning I looked and felt horrible. I hadn’t slept a wink and when I looked at myself in the mirror I could hardly recognise that that woman I saw was me. I had spent the night pacing the floor of every single room of my flat. Every now and then I sat down trying to relax, but that was something impossible. I had a shower, put some make-up and got dressed but I didn’t feel like going to work at all. For a moment I thought to call Tony and let him know I wasn’t alright, but I was aware that I could use the same excuse every day, so I resigned myself to acting professionally.

I got at the studios quite early, no wonder no one else had got first. I went straight to my office and made some coffee. Tony called me half an hour later. He had had a last-minute hitch so I had to welcome the band and apologise to them for his delay. I was relieved. I would face the guys alone and explain if I would have been asked to. They arrived a bit earlier than the arranged time and I decided to meet them at once. I took a deep breath and told my assistant to show them into my office. Nicky was the first who came in. He studied me for a while.

“Siân Jones?” he shrieked smiling widely, “I can’t believe it’s you!” Everything happened very quickly. I don’t know how the others reacted since I found myself wrapped into Nicky’s long arms. He always managed to make me feel microscopic. “Hey guys, look who’s in here!”

Martin and Sean came closer and they both hugged me affectionately. They all said they were very happy to see me even though they would have never expected to meet me in the studios. My heart missed a beat when my eyes met James’s. He still was on the threshold motionless. I said hello and he said hello back coming closer. He hugged me saying he was pleased to see me, but his hug felt cold as if he had been forced to do it by the circumstances. I replied to their urgent questions, James was the only one who kept silent. I invited them to sit down and informed them about Tony’s delay. They said they wouldn’t mind having a chat with me in the meantime.

“So you’re Mrs Almeida now,” said Nicky with one of his beautiful big smiles. “I’m glad you didn’t marry a bloody yankee!”
“Well, actually…my husband’s grandparents were Colombian but his mother’s American so he doesn’t have much of an Hispanic.”
“How long have you been married?” enquired Martin.
“Ahem, it’s four years next month.”
“Have you got any kids?”
“Ahem, no. We haven’t yet,” I answered biting my lips nervously.
“Well, you should hurry up my dear,” grinned Nicky patting my knee. “Time flies. You know, me and Sean had both a baby daughter two years ago!”

The news filled me with joy. “Well done guys!” I smiled cheerfully, than watching Sean I went on: “I see you and Rhian have got married at last.” He, differently from Nick, wore his wedding ring.
“Yep, we married three and a half ago. I guess it was about time after 15 years together,” said Sean.
“Well, you can’t say you haven’t had enough time to know each other!” I smiled. “So you guys are both married with kids now. I’m very happy for you and the girls.”
“Thank you Siân. Now it’s our Jamesy’s turn,” grinned Nick watching James. “But I don’t think it’ll happen soon. It seems that nobody wants him. You know him, he’s too grumpy and no woman can bear him too long.”

James said nothing. He had listened to our chat motionless looking at his shoes. It seemed he were elsewhere. He eventually spoke when Nick jokingly asked him how many girlfriends he had had so far. He grunted to cut it out or he would cut his tongue off. At that very moment Tony stepped in and, having introduced himself to the guys, they all left and I didn’t see them for the whole day.

I had the time to think over meeting them again after eight years. The first thing I became aware of was that I had missed them. I had missed being with them, the long chats we used to having, and obviously, I had their music as well. Then there was James. I realised that, between the two of us, the one who had felt more not at ease was him. Was he angry at me because I had left without saying anything? He had given me no other choice after all. He had broken my heart. I had to do it, I needed to go away as further as possible, in a place where almost nobody knew who he was. New York seemed to be that place.

Around 7pm Nick came to my office. He said he and Sean were ready to leave and suggested going to eat something the three of us. James had to finish something with Tony and Martin decided staying there. Nick added that they would join us later. I switched my computer off, put my coat on and the two of us joined Sean who was waiting for us at the lifts.

We went to an Indian restaurant near the studios where my colleagues and I were used to eating quite often. As soon as we got there I begged the guys to talk to me about their daughters. They were impatient to. Firstly, they both showed me the pictures they had with them. Both little girls looked gorgeous. Clara, Nick’s child, had definitely her daddy’s big blue eyes, but her long curly hair was Rachel’s. On the contrary, Sean’s little girl Matilda looked like her mum a lot. She had long straight blonde hair and green eyes.

“You know, Matilda’s only five months older than Clara,” said Nick smiling broadly as he looked at the picture where the kids were holding each other.
“Did the four of you plan to have kids at the same time?”
“No we didn’t,” replied Nick. “When Sean and Rhian told us they were going to have a baby we were very surprised but happy too. After a while I noticed that Rachel was strangely silent. I realised that she longed for a baby as well, so we talked about it. Clara’s such a darling. Me and Rachel have always been happy, but since we’ve had her we are so much more.”

Although I was deeply happy for them, at the same time I felt terribly miserable for myself. Knowing me well enough, it wasn’t difficult for Nick and Sean realise there was something wrong.
“I’ve been longing for a baby for ages,” I began getting sad, “but things aren’t that easy. Carl, my husband, doesn’t want any children and he’s always away. He’s an airline pilot, we don’t see each other much.” All of a sudden my eyes filled with tears and couldn’t manage to hold them back. Nick and Sean comforted me with kind and loving words saying that my husband would change his mind. I then explained that I wasn’t crying because of that. The real reason was that my marriage had been a farce since the beginning. My husband had been having sex with almost every stewardess he worked with for years but I never complained. I was too in love with him and couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. When he was at home we behaved as a normal married couple, he brought me breakfast to bed and we went to eat out. But there were times he avoided answering the phone in my presence. Sometimes I overheard him telling his interlocutor that he didn’t want to be called when he was at home. One day, when he was sleeping, I took his mobile and saw that in the phone book there were a dozen of women’s numbers. I could even read some texts sent by somebody called Liz. One said that she missed and wanted him very much.

Nicky got up and sat close to me putting one arm around me. “I’m so sorry Siân. It’s all my fault. Every time I talk about Clara I get so carried away.”
“Don’t worry Nick,” I patted his hand trying to smile. “You couldn’t know. And believe me guys, I’m very happy for you both.”

About one hour later Martin and Tony joined us alone. Martin said James was too tired and went straight to their hotel. I noticed that Nick and Sean looked at each other for a moment without speaking a word. He was avoiding me and Sean and Nick knew the reason. I tried to not think about it and, fortunately, the guys gave me a hand. Nick started talking about politics and nobody could stop him.

Soon, I began feeling tired. Nick and Sean were as well, so I offered to drive them to their hotel. Tony and Martin said they would stay there for a while.
“We believe James is angry at you,” said Nick as we got into my car. “That’s why he didn’t come.”
My suspicions were right. “Angry at me?”
“Well, you should know why. You left all of a sudden without saying anything to anyone.”
“I did call you, remember?”
“Yep, one month later saying you were in here.”
“I’m sorry Nick, but I had to. I couldn’t stay in London anymore. I had a good reason to leave.”
“We know. Later James told us what had happened between the two of you.”
I shut my eyes in disbelief for a second. How could he? “Did he tell you…everything?” I managed to speak softly.
“Yes. He said you were in love with him and he was sure you had gone away because he told you he didn’t feel the same.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. James hadn’t told him all the truth.

When I got home I took my shoes off and had a cool beer. I collapsed on the sofa and shut my eyes. All the memories of that night sprang to my mind. Eight years had passed but I still recollected every single detail. I found James dead drunk in one of his favourite pubs at 1am. Some guy helped me to load him into my car and I drove him home. When we got he was sleeping so I had to shake him. I took his arm and put it around my neck and I lifted him up. I didn’t know how we managed to reach the door of his apartment without falling over. I brought him to his room and put him to bed. I removed his leather jacket, his shoes and socks. Just before leaving I bent forward and I kissed his forehead. As I drew back his hand grabbed my arm dragging me into the bed. One moment later I found myself beneath him, his tongue probing my mouth urgently, his hand unbuttoning my blouse. What I had been dreaming for ages was happening. I realised I felt something deeper for him soon after he and his girlfriend Alison broke. I had never seen him that down. A few time later he moved to London and, with the pretext of having more chances to get a better job, I moved there too. The true reason was that I wanted to be there whenever he would need it.

All my happiness was swept away by his reaction as soon as he woke up next to me on morning. He didn’t remember how he had got home and, obviously, he didn’t either remember what had happened next. I explained that I had driven him home after having found him in pub pissed and that we had made love.
“Why didn’t you stop me?” he asked sitting in bed without looking at me.
“You know why. I wanted that more than anything else because I love you James.”
He covered his face with his hands and kept silent for a few moments. “We’ve already talked about it. I love you too Siân, but ONLY as a friend. You’re very special to me, I won’t ever forget what you’ve done for me so far, but there can’t be anything more than this. It shouldn’t have happened. It was a mistake.”

March 16, 2004 – Tuesday
I was bad-humoured that morning. I had fallen asleep on the couch and as a result I had a nasty stiff neck. I switched my mobile on and stared at the screen waiting for it to light up. I threw it away on the couch when I realised that there were no messages. What the hell did I expect? A loving text from my ‘dear’ hubby saying he missed me like mad? I could only feel pity for myself. I was a frustrated deluded lonely 34-year-old woman and a betrayed wife still in love with her husband. That was enough to make me feel miserable if I hadn’t had my job. It was the only positive aspect of my life. I loved it and I did it well – nobody had ever complained. Tony Visconti was one of the most known and appreciated producers in the States and working with him was a great honour. It made me feel proud of myself.

When I got to the recording studios I found James out at the entrance having a cigarette. We exchanged a friendly hello and he said that the others had just gone in. There were so many things I wished to say but, stupidly, I didn’t speak a word and I reached for the door. As I stepped in the strap of my handbag got caught in the handle and I dropped some folders I was carrying in my hand.
“Damn it!” I found hard to bend forward and pick them up.
“What’s wrong?” asked James coming closer.
“Nothing much a part from backache and a stiff neck that’s killing me.” I grimaced. “That happens when you fall asleep on the couch!”
“As if I didn’t know,” he giggled picking up the folders. As he handed them to me we looked at each other for a moment. “Ahem, I believe there are a few things we should talk about,” he said quietly breaking an embarrassing silence.
“Yeah, I think we should. But that’s not either the right place or the right moment,” I smiled timidly looking elsewhere.
“I agree. Can I see you later for a cuppa or something?”
“Okay.”

I was already wearing my pyjamas when the bell rang. Lazily, I got up leaving my beer on the coffee table and opened the door. It was James.
“I thought we had to meet up.” He said, his hands in his pockets. Fortunately, he didn’t look annoyed. “But when we finished you had already left. I’ve found your address in the phone book, if you’re wondering.”
I opened the door wide and let him enter. “I’m sorry, I forgot.” I said softly trailing forward behind him. “I’ve had a nightmarish day and I just looked forward to leaving.”
“It’s not only your stiff neck, is it?”
Damn it! He knew me TOO well. “Excuse me, but the last thing I want now is talking about it.”
“It’s your husband. Nick told me.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “We were talking on phone when all of a sudden I heard one of his many lovers calling him darling. I insulted him and switched my mobile off. I can say that I’ve got some sort of talent for falling in love with men who don’t give a shit about me!” I commented bitterly. I finished my beer quickly. “Fancy one? I don’t have any whiskey, sorry.”
“A beer would be okay.” I rushed to the kitchen and took out one bottle.

“I don’t drink as much as I was used to,” he added when I handed it to him.
“Good for you. It’s surprising, but it’s a good thing. Really.”
“I had gained a lot of weight, ahem, too much!” he said with a little smile.
“Stop it! You’re fit. You’ve always been quite thin, some more weight suits you.”
“Thanks for not saying I’m fat, it’s very kind of you!” he laughed handing me his beer with the same naturalness he used to years ago. I took it after a moment of hesitation. Eight years had passed since the two of us last saw but we were doing the same things we were used to: sitting close, chatting about this and that, drinking from the same bottle or glass. I was amazed.

“Why are you still with him?” he said looking into my eyes. I couldn’t bear it. I had to lower my look. His gorgeous brown eyes had still the power to leave me breathless and make my whole body quiver.
“I’ve married him to forget about you!” Words came out unconsciously. It was too late to go back. I stood up quickly placing the bottle over the coffee table and I looked out the window. Living on the 18th floor offered a mind-blowing view of the New York skyline. I spent ages staring at it especially at night when my husband was away and I found hard to fall asleep.
“Did it work?”
“I thought it had before…before I learned that Tony would work with you. I think you’d better go now,” I said without turning around when I felt James coming closer behind me. His hand brushed my arm, a moment later he was facing me. He kissed my hair gently, then he lifted my chin. There was just one inch between our mouths. His warm breath was gentle and regular, his hands stroked my hair. “James don’t…”
“Don’t what?” he whispered,
“I’ve been a mistake once, I don’t wanna be it again.”

He kept silent for a long while, his hand still stroking my hair. “I wasn’t honest with you that night.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t love you only as a friend.”
I pushed him away. I looked at him in disbelief shaking my head. “Why James? Why did you lie to me?”
“I wasn’t ready for a new relationship. I needed some time by myself.”
“Was that too hard to say? That’s crazy!” I spat pacing nervously the room backwards and forwards. “Do you have the least idea of how much it hurt me knowing that you got laid with every girl who crossed your path?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake Siân. How could you be jealous of them when I just shagged almost all of them once? I didn’t know anything of their lives. They’ve never meant anything to me, but the two of us had a lot more than that. D’you remember the time we spent talking about books, films and music? All the time wandering about Blackwood, or when you were at college and called me in the dead of the night before an exam ‘cos you were too anxious to sleep? Remember what I always told you? That everything would go fine ‘cos you were too bright to fail.”
“That was beautiful James, I could never deny it. But I wanted and needed more. I needed to hold you and I needed that you held me back. I needed to cuddle up to you by the fireplace. If only you had told me the right words at the right time…”
“I’m sorry Siân. When Nick told me that your husband’s done nothing but betray you, I came here at once. I’m here now if you still want to hold me, if you still want me to hold you back. But, if it’s too late, I’ll leave.”

Hurt, upset and confused, I didn’t speak a word. He had kept his true feelings secret from me forcing me to leave my family, friends and job. If he had told me the truth, I would have understood and I would have probably waited for him. I was angry but also aching for him. I could let my rage prevail and lose him forever or I could put my stupid pride aside and be finally with him. It was when I heard the door closing that I realised I couldn’t let him go. I still loved him like mad and I desperately needed him. He still was out of my flat when I opened the door. I met his sad puppy dog eyes and wrapped my arms around him. “If I let you go now I would never forgive myself.”
“Oh baby!” He hugged me tight and, with one hand, he stroked my hair kissing it several times.

Part 2 >>>

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