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| SOMEONE SOMEWHERE SOON WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU by Enola PART 18 All you need after having cleaned your face up is some fresh air. As you reach the top of the tower a cold light wind blows on your face giving your skin a pleasant cool sensation. With your hands in your coat pockets you look amused at James who is fighting with his lighter which doesn’t work. He snorts and swears when the wind blows the flame out before having lit his cigarette. He drops the lighter and kicks it away: he’s definitely lost patience with it! You pick it up so walk towards him and manage to light it. “How would I do without you?” he says jokingly as you hand him his lighter. Neither you nor James speak for a little time. You’re totally absorbed in those amazing sparkling stars and suddenly you feel an irrepressible desire to fly away as far as possible from everything and from everyone and never come back. You’d want to fly away to be free at last, to be completely free to live your life just like you want to live it, to be completely free to be yourself without any need to justify every single thought, every single habit and every single reaction. Everything would be easier. For a very little while you have the impression you’re floating right among those stars, you can even touch them, take them in your hands…for a very little while until James brings you back to the real world. You mobile’s been ringing for about one minute but you realize that just now and answer immediately. It’s Shane and he’s relieved when he finally manages to talk to you. He says there’s a little problem at ‘The House’; the children don’t want to go to bed before having talked to you. Since he’s phoning with the speakerphone from Olivia’s office they all can hear you. As soon as you say hi you’re forced to put your phone a bit far from your ear as all of them say hell screaming. You notice that James is laughing as he also can listen to their screams. They’d want you to tell them a story but you explain you can’t do it by phone so you promise them you’ll tell two stories tomorrow if they go to sleep straight away. They accept so you wish them a goodnight and send a kiss to each of them. Shane breathes a sigh of relief when they go to bed although he’s sorry too as he didn’t mean to bother you. You reassure him, he didn’t bother you at all and you’re happy he phoned you. He asks you about the party, if you are having fun, if James is behaving well…that’s makes you laugh and think over it for a while but you don’t have any doubt when you reply with a sincere ‘yes’. He wants to talk to James as well so you give him your mobile. He’s not that talkative, you hear him saying just ‘yeah, okay, don’t worry’. “What were you thinkin’ about before?” he inquires giving you back your phone. “When?” “When your mobile was ringin’. Y’know, it was as if you, y’know, you were somewhere else!” You look up for a while to watch the beautiful starry sky above you and think of the kids, “Nothing important at all!” you breathe. He takes his fags out of his pocket again and puts one between his lips but he doesn’t light it, he hands you his lighter without speaking a word. For a moment you don’t know if you have to light his fag, but you also are aware of the fact you can’t start a discussion about ‘how smoking is dangerous to health’, it’d be totally useless. Having lit his fag you replace the lighter in his pocket and suddenly, after a while, he starts laughing. “Those kids are mad about you, you’re their heroine!” You give a short embarrassed laugh while he goes on speaking in a joking way, “I guess you wear your costume under your dress like all superheroes” you can’t help laughing amused while he goes on, “it must be quite small then…I bet it’s a kinda bikini or sumthin’…can I see’t?” Suddenly he turns serious and in an almost touching sweet voice he adds, “You’re SuperMonica, the only one who manages to make’em feel good!” You both stay silent for several moments, you’d want to say something, but you don’t know what to say. You don’t know if you have to tell him he’s exaggerating or if you have to thank him because of the last thing he’s said. He remembers when Shane told him, when you arrived at ‘The House’, that they were so nasty to you and he didn’t manage to understand how you could be so tender. You knew that he didn’t approve your behaviour at all so he used to rebuke you because in that way the children would profit and wouldn’t ever respect you. You had to make them understand that you had the command not them, but you were convinced that they needed something else: protection, love and affection. In a few time you showed Shane he was wrong and you were right. Also Olivia wasn’t happy at the beginning but you managed to convince her you were doing the right thing and in the end she trusted you and now she’s glad she put her trust in you, she also is sure you’d be the right person to replace her one day. “Really? Wow, that’s cool!” he exclaims happily. You don’t think the same thing at all. “Hey! Calm down…don’t be so enthusiastic…” he adds jokingly, “aren’t you happy?” “It’s something too big for me…I can’t take on such a responsibility…do you understand? “Yep, it’s not an easy task to deal with…” he begins understanding, then he goes on jokingly, but sincere, “but I do know you’ll do very well…you’re SuperMonica…don’t forget it!” It comes to mind another unbelievable thing: you’ve been in London for one year and you find hard to believe such a long time has passed since you and James first met. He chuckles as soon as you mention that. He remembers it happened at Ian’s pub, you and Shane were playing pool, or rather, he jokes about the fact that he didn’t know what you were doing! You remember that he asked you if you knew that the aim of the game were pockets. You neither turned because you didn’t care at all about his statement, you were playing just to kill time after all. He also remembers the look in your face when he introduced himself. He understood immediately you already knew who he was. You don’t blame yourself, you are still angry with Shane because he didn’t tell you they knew each other, so how could you expect to meet him there? James’ first impression of you wasn’t very good. He was sure that you were playing the shy and embarrassed fan who meets one of her favourite rockstars, something that slightly annoyed him and for that reason he teased you. But in several weeks he understood that was just your way. He started realising that there was a plausible reason behind your shyness and distrust of people because of Shane’s hyper-protective behaviour towards you. Telling him everything about your past was a great relief for you, “’Cos I was sure you’d never…” you can’t finish as you are aware of your mistake. You don’t know why you said that but you do know you didn’t mean to. James doesn’t speak a word, your eyes follow him in the moonlight while he goes away from you slowly with his head down and his hands in his pockets. You know how he feels now and for this reason you must do something at once. You go close to him and take his hands out of his pockets to hold them in yours but he doesn’t react although you beg him to forget what you’ve just said. “I’d give anything to go back” he whispers without raising his head, “but I can’t.” He pauses for a while and having taken a deep breath he goes on, “The only thing I can do is trying to make up as better as I can.” You put your hand in his pocket to search for his lighter and having lit it you lift his head to force him to look at you. As soon as you know he is, you smile at him squeezing his hand, “You’re doing it James! You’re doing it very well!” You manage to steal him a little smile and now you have the certainty that he’s not an enemy anymore, you can look into his eyes and you’ve never thought it could be so simple, you also can cry in front of him because he’s not afraid to face your weakness. Since you are a bit cold you go back in and as soon as you and James reach your table you have the impression you’ve interrupted a discussion. Nick’s looking at you as is he wanted to ask you something while Sean’s giving him a kind of ‘keep-your-mouth-shut-for-once-in-your-life’ look. On the contrary, James seems he hasn’t noticed that at all only because he’s noticed something else. Everyone have a dish with some cake, Sean’s is empty, actually. As James knows you’re mad about cakes he can’t be bothered to ask you if you want a slice of it, he just gets up and after a while he comes back with two dishes. You both agree on the fact the cake is simply delicious and jokingly say that you wouldn’t mind having another portion of it. Before you can realise that and do something to stop him, James has already got up to fetch other two slices. In the meanwhile, a DJ has taken the orchestra’s place and you can’t help moving your legs under the table. James notices it at once, “Wanna dance?” he asks smiling kindly, “Yes” you reply grinning, “but not with you!” “It wasn’t an invitation!” he remarks, “it was just a question!” That grin in your face suddenly disappear. You took it as an invitation so now you’re disappointed. “I was kidding” you breathe several moments later. “Ahem…I was too!” He says amused. You look at each other both smiling then he gets up and takes his jacket off which he carefully places in the back his chair. “Um, I think this is yours!” he says showing you a long hair he removed from his jacket, “Oh, are you sure it’s mine?” “Well, it’s not mine for sure!” he smiles touching his hair quite short, then he takes your hand and leans that long hair on it, “I don’t like keeping things that doesn’t belong to me!!” so he smirks winking at you and you can’t help thinking how fun he is to be with, how he always finds the way to make you amuse by his jokes and his faces, but above all by his mumblings which makes him look like a tender shy little boy. He keeps on making you laugh while you’re dancing bitching about the ‘weird’ way Sean dances as he just moves his arms and his head, but he doesn’t blame his cousin because he’s a drummer after all! About one hour later you need a break since your feet hurt pretty much. James is relieved because as he says, if you had danced another minute he’d have done something you wouldn’t have appreciated at all. Although you’re quite curious to know what he *exactly* means, you prefer not to ask any explanation. You sit in your chair and cup your face in your hands, the only thing you’d like to do now is remove those bloody boots and stretch your feet! Some minutes later James tells you to go with him as he thinks he knows what you need. You follow him in spite of the ambiguity of his statement. You enter the library again and both sit down in the sofa. “C’mon, take them off!” he says, “Ehm…w…what?” you ask perplexed feeling your cheeks burning, “Your boots…remove them!” “Oh…my boots!” you giggle rather relieved, “Yeah, your boots!” he smiles, “What…ehm…what did you think you should’ve…ehm…instead…ehm” he giggles shaking his head avoiding to look at you, “argh! forget it!” Having removed your boots James tells you to put your feet on his lap but you hesitate for a moment, “C’mon, do as I said!” “Okay, turn!” Now it’s him who hesitates for a while, “C’mon, do as I said…turn!” As he finally does, you tell him not to turn unless you don’t tell him to, so you raise your legs and lean your feet over his lap pulling the hem of your dress along your thighs as much as you can and rest your hands on them. You finally tell James he can turn so he puts his hands over your aching feet and starts massaging both of them simultaneously for a while, then he massages one at a time squeezing them gently. Your feet make him laugh, he finds them unbelievable small and thin but also lovely. Now you understand what he meant by saying he thought he knew what you needed. His hands are something magic, are chunky but extremely gentle at the same time. You close your eyes for a while and re-open them as soon as you feel his hand coming up your leg, “Ahem…what…what are you doing?” “Uh? Nothin’!” he breathes innocently. You give him a thin smile, “That’s my calf!” you point out to him “Yeah, I know!” “And that’s my knee!” “Uh-huh, right!” He keeps on massaging and brushing your leg pretending he’s doing nothing wrong, “James!? My feet ache, not my legs!” Obviously, you’re lying as you feel an annoying pain all along your legs, from your toes to your thighs, your muscles ache as you had run a marathon and you wouldn’t mind a massage at all, you wouldn’t mind him massaging your legs since that gentleness in his hands makes you feel extremely good, but you know you must stop him at once, you must before it’s too late. “James…stop it if you don’t want me to hit you…I’m in a good position to kick your face!” you say in a threatening way, “You’d neva do it!” “Don’t challenge me James!” “Y’know hon, I’m in a good position too…I have a beautiful view from here!” he smiles cheekily glancing at your legs, “Ehm…well…you wouldn’t see much…a part from…ehm…my underwear” you say blushing again, “Y’now, I wouldn’t mind seeing it!” he smirks still touching your leg just under your knee. After a short while, without wanting it, you hit him on the eye with your foot. He immediately puts his hands on his face and having realised you hit him quite hard you spring to your foot and go close to him to apologize. As he’s aching and you feel utterly mortified you put your boots again and rush to the other room to fetch some eyes. You run as quick as you can, not that quick because of those damned boots you regret having bought them, nothing would ever happened if you hadn’t! As you reach your table, where the others were talking until a while before you got there, you take some ice-cubs from off the champagne ice bucket and put them on a napkin, the you run back to James while Nick calls your name asking what the hell’s happening. You find James as you left him, sitting in the sofa with his hand over his eye, so you give him the napkin with ice and tell him to lean it over his eye just when all the others enter the room and Nick asks again ‘what the hell’s happening’. “Nothin’” replies James softly, “Just a meaningless accident” “I hit him!” you intervene sorry, “but I didn’t mean to, we were joking!” “Anything’s happened I’m sure he did deserve it!” says Nick amused. Sean, who’s shooting everything with his microscopic video camera, agrees with him while their wives tell them to leave James alone so they all went away. You sit down by his side but you don’t speak to him for a while, the you apologize to him again and ask him if he’s angry with you. “You’re incredible!” he says softly. Once again you don’t understand the real meaning of his words, so you don’t know what to say. “You should be angry, Nick’s right, I deserved it” he says a bit later, “I’ll control myself, promise!” Slowly a wide smile springs to your face, you put your hand on his shoulder and say, “No promises. It’s alright don’t worry.” He smiles too as only he can do, a tiny shy smile that sends out a lot of sweetness and affection. “I’ve always thought you were a good footballer y’know…I’ll never play footie with you again!” “Also ‘cos you like more rugby don’t you…but I’ll never play rugby with you again!” “Yeah, y’know, it’s a question of physical contact! But thinking over it…ehm…now I’m not sure if I’d want to play rugby with you again!” You both laugh for a bit then you remove your boots again so James puts his jacket over your lap, “Make yourself comfortable” he says in a lovely way and you thank him smiling. He lights a cigarette so relaxes leaning his head against the back of the sofa and smokes his fag in silence. After a while he speaks again and says his thinking about all the things you’re good at such as cooking, playing football, dancing and so on but there’s one thing that he doesn’t know if it’s true or not. As far as he knows you sing very well because Shane has told him so. He’s told him you always sing with the kids but you also sing when you’re alone in your bedroom, so now he’d want to hear if Shane’s right. “No fucking way!” you reply smiling slightly embarrassed, then you start insulting Shane as he just doesn’t manage to mind his business and just to make you feel even more upset, James tells you that Shane has told a lot of things about yourself, “What a prick!” you snap as you’re quite angry and worried about the things you’ve confided Shane. Now you want to know everything he has told him so James starts saying that you always run on stairs but always reprimand the children when they do the same reminding them they could fall over and injure themselves, then that you hate milk but force the kids to drink it as it’s good for them, you always have tea and chocolate biscuits for breakfast but allow the kids to have just a couple of biscuits because too many aren’t good for them, you like playing with dolls and you’re mad about ‘Tom & Jerry’…what can you say about that? Everything is true. “Is that all?” you ask him a bit worried and he notices that and for this reason he tells you don’t have to worry because you should know that Shane would never tell anyone anything, he likes him just because he’s very discreet and he knows he can trust him. James is right and you feel a bit ashamed of yourself for doubting Shane. “So you don’t want to sing” he says so you shake your head, “just a short bit” you shake your head again, “just a line” he insists but you shake your head once again. “You know that we’re working at our greatest hits and y’know, we’d want to include ‘Little baby nothing’ too…but we have to find someone to sing it with me so…” “So…what?” you cut him off, “Well, y’know…you cou…” “Are you insane?” you giggle, “Me? That’s crazy…you’re kidding…I mean…if I’m not wrong the girl who sang it was a porno actress…ehm…so I really don’t see the connection” “I think you’d be perfect!” he grins, “You know the lyrics, don’t you? Well, y’know when they say…erm…‘your beauty and virginity used like toys’ …or…’everybody loves me wants a slice of me’…’you’re pure, you’re snow’…I’m sure also Nick would agree” “Stop it! For Christ’s sake stop it!” you laugh, “There’s just one thing I could sing you now…but I don’t have any intention to…and that’s… ‘don’t wanna see your face, don’t wanna hear your voice, why don’t you just…FUCK OFF!” You both have a good laugh for a while then something he’s just said comes to mind, “You said before that Nick would agree…so…erm…he knows” you say embarrassed, “Yes” he replies softly, “he knows everything!” He apologizes and explains that after that argument the 2 of you had in the nightclub he moved there in Wales and he desperately needed to talk to someone since he felt deeply ashamed of himself, so he told Nick the whole story because he’s his best friend and he knew that he could talk about that just to him. You look at him sweetly while he speaks nervously in his lovely mumbling. You tell him he doesn’t have to worry about that and you even thank him because you’re happy Nick knows everything and in this way you manage to make him smile again. For some moments the 2 of you don’t speak and looking at James you notice the expression in his face has changed, he looks sad now. “Hey, what’s up?” “Ahem…nothing…It’s…I just…ehm…nothing really!” No no no…he must speak now, he must tell you everything, he did say he’d want to talk to you so you beg him to speak. He start speaking pausing after a few words and going on snorting and sighing. “It’s just that…ehm…I feel…dunno …I feel tired…fed up…pissed off…dunno…the problem’s…is my life I think!” “Your life?” you exclaim surprised, “What’s wrong with it now?” He snorts and replies, “I miss…I miss sumthin’…y’know…no no…I think I…y’know…miss someone!” He pauses again then after having taken a deep breath he goes on, “y’know, when I look at Nick and Sean with Rachel and Rhian…I mean…they look so fucking happy so I keep wondering ‘what the fuck… what’s wrong with you man? Why can’t you have the same thing?’ Y’know, it’s so…so fucking…erm…frustrating!” Yeah, that’s frustrating! That’s the same word you’d use as well! Seeing two people who madly love each other it’s, in some way, frustrating if you don’t have anyone to love and vice versa. It’s the same kind of feeling you have when you see people kissing in the street or cuddling in a bench in a park. That’s just frustrating! “I thought…I’ve always believed you were happy…I mean, you have freedom, you’re free to do whatever you like whenever you like…” “I thought the same, but maybe that’s not want I want anymore…I think…fuck…I want more, that’s that! When I look back you know what I see? A few relationships and tons of…erm…too many one-night stands…I’m sick tired of that!!” HELL! You have to admit that James has surprised you twice. Since you’ve known each other he hasn’t ever talked to you like that, you knew he was rather reserved as regards his private life. Every time someone, even Shane, tries to ask him something about that he always replies evasively because that’s something that embarrasses him quite much. For this reason you haven’t ever asked him anything, but the truth is that you haven’t ever wanted to ask. Now the fact that he’s willing to talk to you about that amazes you and, in some way, you feel flattered because you take his confessions as the proof that your friendship is really important to him and it’s the proof that your friendship is even deeper than you thought. “Don’t worry” you smile to reassure him, “you’ll find the right woman!” “Yeah? What about I wouldn’t? “Don’t be silly now! You’ll find her!!” “You know what’s sillier?” he glances at his watch then goes on, “Just a couple of hours ago we were in here and you* were crying ‘cos you said you won’t ever find the right man and rubbish like that….and now you* tell me I don’t have to worry…that’s incredible!” You can’t help laughing since you know he’s right. He laughs as well but a while later he turns serious again, “Really Monica…I’m worried…I mean…I’m 33 and if I still haven’t found the right one there must be a reason, don’t you agree?” “Yeah, the only reason is that you haven’t found the right one yet!” “AH AH…what a sensible reply!! He remarks ironically, “now I’ll tell you the truth…the problem’s me…who I am…y’know, women don’t give a shit about all the rest…I’m just someone to sh…erm…they just want to sleep with the rockstar” “You want the same thing ‘cos you like it!” you remark adding you’ve seen him during their gigs, he does anything to provoke his fans by the way he moves and sings, so how can he complain if he likes doing it? He doesn’t reply probably because he can’t deny that. “But I’ve met someone different” he says breaking his silence a minute later, “someone who’s always made me feel like an ordinary person” he adds quite pleased and proud, “you Monica!” he finally says smiling. “Me?” “Yep, you. You’ve always given me this impression, I’m just James for you, and I love that. I’m not wrong, am I?” No, he’s not wrong. Even before you met him you thought he was a normal guy and as soon as you’ve know him better you’ve realized it was true. Probably the fact you’ve never been to any of their gigs has helped you to see him just like a normal person and, furthermore, since you’ve known him you’ve stopped listening to their CD’s. “You don’t listen to our CD’s anymore? Good, so I don’t need to give you a copy of our greatest hits ‘cos you won’t listen to it” he smiles, “Yep, you don’t need to!” you smile back, “Hang on…if you haven’t ever been to any of our gigs…I mean…how can you say I provoke my fans?” “I’ve seen some on telly…and you do provoke them!” you insist. “What about us?” he asks abruptly some minutes ago amazing you completely, leaving you speechless, “I mean…d’you think that between us…” he goes on speaking seriously but your hearty laugh cuts him off, “Me and you? C’mon James…it’d never work! We’re too different!” “Different? Us? I don’t catch it!” You did expect that. Yes, you really think the 2 of you are too different, your lives are. Describing one of your typical days is enough to show that. You usually get up at 7 and rarely go to bed later than 1 am while he usually gets up at midday and rarely goes to sleep before 4 am! Furthermore, he loves going out, having a few pints with his mates while you prefer staying in and watching a film and you don’t either drink! ‘Just a bunch of silly excuses’ is his comment, he’s sure the real reason is another, “Don’t you think I could…” he pauses to clear his throat then goes on a bit shyly, “could wait?” “Wait? You? No, I don’t think you could” you reply softly without looking at him, you’re too embarrassed now to meet his eyes, “Maybe you could for a bit…but then you’d get tired…and we’d end up hurting each other...” then, finally, looking at him you add, “I don’t want it to happen again!” “Neither do I!” he whispers, “Maybe you’re right.” You agree on the fact the you already have so much, you have your friendship and run the risk of compromising it again would be stupid. He doesn’t want to lose your friendship for a very special reason he’s never told you. You remind him, in some ways, someone else, it’s your eyes, sometimes when he looks into your eyes he sees the melancholy, the same uneasiness, the same lack of self-confidence. “I wish he had know you ‘cos I’m sure he’d have adored you” he says quietly with a hint of sadness in his voice. Just at this moment you understand whose he’s talking about. He’s never done it before either indirectly and you’ve never asked him anything about him, although you know a very little about that that once was his best friend. “You don’t have to talk to me about him, I don’t want you to” you say tenderly putting your hand on his, “It’s strange how the 2 of you are so similar and different at the same time” he’s smiling now but his is just a fake smile, “but you are much stronger, maybe if he had been stronger he wouldn’t have gone.” He thinks you’re strong but that’s not true at all, sometimes you’ve thought you were but you know it’s not like that. The truth is that you’ve never faced problems, you’ve always run away from everything because you were sure that that was the best way, the easiest way to deal with difficulties. But that’s not true because problems get bigger and bigger and everything gets more and more complicated. The worst thing about that is that you know, you’re completely sure that you’ll keep running way again and again. You’re terrified by the fact that you wouldn’t be capable of stopping to deal with the nightmares of your childhood. “I’m just a coward!” you finally say annoyed. He moves his hands over yours and holds them tightly and smiles at you, “We all are, we all run away ‘cos sometimes that’s the only thing we can do.” He’s sure you’ll stop running away sooner or later because someone won’t allow you to do it again. Then, suddenly, he eyes and his voice turn sad once again, he squeezes your hands and says softly, “Monica…I have to ask you a favour…” he pauses for a while and you see tears springing to his eyes, “if one day you’ll decide to go back home or somewhere else…please…don’t leave without saying goodbye.” You brush his cheek gently and smiling at him you whisper, “I won’t” and you hold him tightly to reassure him… PART 19 >>> <<< Enola's stories |