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| SOMEONE SOMEWHERE SOON WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU by Enola PART 20 It was only a terrible mistake, nothing else. You’ve been keeping telling yourself these words since you left James’s flat last night and you’re sure that next time you’ll see him he’ll apologise for kissing you because your friendship is too important and he doesn’t want to spoil it. He gets in the late morning when you’re alone but as soon as you see him you realise that things are about to go in a different way. You say hello to each other a bit shyly glancing at each other, he brushes your cheek and tries to kiss you but you go away from him and invite him to sit down. He looks surprised by your reaction. He refuses to sit, he says he prefers staying up. You stay up as well next to the window. He starts speaking quietly coming closer, “About last night…I’m sorry …” he pauses and takes a deep breath, “ehm…I think you misunderstood… I didn’t mean to…erm…I just wanted you to stay overnight nothin’ else!” “James…” you stop at once since you don’t know what to say. You can’t even look at him, “James…last night we made a mistake, it wouldn’t have happened” “You’re not speaking seriously?” “Why don’t we forget everything? It’d be easier!” “Forget everything?” he giggles shaking his head for several moments, “Did you hear what I said last night…I can’t pretend any longer…and you should do the same” “James we’ve already talked about that, it can’t work!” you say firmly turning and going away from him, “why don’t we keep friends?” A while later you feel his hands rubbing your arms, “I can’t be your friend” he breathes on your ear, “I love you too much” You turn again slowly and looking at him you say, “I’m sorry but I can’t be more than a friend either now or in the future. Why don’t you don’t understand? I don’t love you.” “You can lie to me but you know you can’t lie to yourself. You felt sumthin’ last night, you felt the same thing I felt” he cups your face in his hands and goes on speaking softly, “You said that just ‘cos you’re scared, but I can wait, don’t care how long.” “Stop it!” you push him away, “My friendship’s all I can give you…soon you’ll find someone else and you’ll forget about me before you can even realise it. It won’t be difficult with all those girls who run after you” “Sleeping with somebody else won’t prevent me from loving you…you just need time to think over that, I’ll wait!” “I won’t change my mind” “I think I’ve done all my best to climb up that wall around you but you’ve just pushed me down and you don’t know how much it hurts. What’s that? A kinda punishment…it’s a way to avenge yourself on me? If so, well done…you did it!” The tone his voice becomes sadder and sadder. “You really think I’d do it?” you say almost in tears, “I’m sorry but this is the best thing to do for both” “You’re wrong and you’ll realise it soon but till then…don’t want to see you again.” Shane enters your bedroom just when you’re packing your suitcases. You tell him what has happened between you and James. You didn’t mean to hurt him, you hoped he could understand you and now he’s convinced you’re punishing him. All that you need now is leaving and since you haven’t seen your family for one year, you’re going back home for a while, one week or two, you don’t know how long you’ll be away. Once you’re at home you realise you miss everything about your life in London, you were always busy there while now at home you have nothing to do apart from getting up later and watching crap TV shows. Everyone have noticed there’s something wrong with you and you didn’t even try to deny it, but you’ve just told everyone that before you got back you argued with one of your friends and this upsets you. You don’t want to go into details because it’d be too complicated. What could you say? That one of your friends, a very famous British musician, has fallen in love with you and that he doesn’t want to see you again because you told him you don’t love him? Surely, someone would ask you something you wouldn’t know how to answer to: ‘Are you sure you don’t love him?’ Trying to explain it would be too complicated. About one week later your return at home you get a phone call from Shane. George had a heart attack and now he’s in a critical condition in hospital. Luckily, Chris was there when it happened otherwise he’d be dead. You take the first flight to London and a few hours later you find Shane at the airport waiting for you as he did one year ago when you firstly got there. He tells you Olivia is shattered and, clearly, you can see it when you enter George’s room. She’s sitting close to him holding his hand and telling him she’s always loved him and she could never live without him. As soon as you lean your hand over her shoulder she gets up and hugs you tight sobbing her heart out. You don’t know what to say, you’d want to tell her something to try to calm her down but you can’t speak anything. You just hold her and let her pour her sorrow out. Fortunately, George’s health gets better and better day after day but he’ll have to stay in hospital for some weeks. One morning, as soon as Shane goes out and drives the kids at school, Olivia tells you she has to tell you something really important. She sits at her desk in her office and starts saying that once George will leave hospital many things will change at ‘The House’. Doctors have warned him about his worrying condition and have suggested leaving as London smog is not good for him so they are going to move to Sussex. This means that ‘The House’ needs a new director. “Have you got any suggestions?” she asks, “Shane. He’s the only one who can do it.” You reply. She stares at you for a moment smiling, “It’s a pity that Shane doesn’t think the same! He believes you are the most suitable person for replacing me and I agree with him!” “Sorry!?” you laugh, “you’re kidding aren’t you?” She keeps staring at you and shakes her head, “Hang on Olivia…I can’t do it!” you get up and start wandering around the room giggling, “That’s ridiculous…I can’t…I’m sorry Olivia but you can’t ask me such a thing!” “We’ve already talked about that” “I know that…but I can’t do it… not now…it’s too soon….I’m not ready!” you say nervously walking forward and backward. She gets up and comes closer to you, “Keep quiet!” she says sweetly holding your trembling frozen hands, “everything will be alright! Do you really think I’d ask you that if I weren’t totally sure of your capacities?” Obviously, she wouldn’t and you can’t doubt it but you’re scared of disappointing her. She goes on saying you don’t have to forget you’re a human being, you’re not perfect and you’re allowed to make mistakes every now and then. You don’t have to worry because Shane will always be by your side and every time you’ll need her you’ll just have to pick up the phone and call her. Her genuine smile and her tender words give you strength and a bit of self-confidence even though you know that everything won’t be easy. You have to promise something: you won’t have to use your new task as pretext to forgo amusements. You must go out, have fun, fall in love…like every 26-year-old-girl!! You can promise you’ll go out and try to have fun but you can’t promise to fall in love. One of the things you can’t bear most is how irritating Shane can be. Sometimes you have the impression he has a lot of fun each time he does or says something he knows annoys you. Since you’ve replaced Olivia he’s started calling you ‘boss’. He speaks that word anytime whatever is the subject of the conversation: ‘good morning boss’, ‘hey boss, could you please pass me over the salt?’, ‘I’m going to the supermarket, need anything boss?’…He’s never called Olivia like that!! He didn’t because she was older and he’s always behaved with respect, but with you it’s different because you’re younger than him...and because, as you thought, he finds that fun!! But this is not the only way he knows to upset you. Another thing he loves to do is urging you on, but he doesn’t realise that sometimes he becomes oppressive, he breathes down your neck when you’d just want him to leave you alone. He complains to you about the fact that since Olivia and George have left you haven’t gone out and he’s sure that Olivia wouldn’t be pleased at all if she knew that. Consequently, you reply that ‘if someone you both know kept his mouth shut, there wouldn’t be any chance for her to know that’. But you know Shane, you know that everything he does, he does it for you because he can’t stand to see you down. Soon, your deep sense of uneasiness is lessened by amazing news. Chris and Shane are expecting a baby and they would be extremely happy if you were their baby’s godmother! Obviously, you accept as you’re very pleased about that. They are also planning to get married before their baby’s birth but they are aware that it will take them ages to set everything. Chris has always dreamt to marry in a beautiful white dress in that small church in her village in Ireland with her family, relatives and dearest friends. In any case, in the meantime, she think that she could do something else. You suggest her moving to ‘The House’. Some days later you’re in your new office pouring a cup of tea you have just made. Suddenly someone knocks at the door and after having said a kind “Come in” someone enters with an enormous bunch of flowers which hides its face. “I didn’t know you had a secret admirer!” You recognise Shane’s voice, cheerful and playful as usual. You’re as much surprised as him, well, you’re much more, actually, and in fact you reply, “Neither do I!” You take the little envelope and open it turning pale when you read it. ‘Congratulations. You deserve it more than anyone else. You’ll be a good director. James’ “What’s up? Somebody I know?” asks Shane. You don’t say anything, but you just hand him the envelope, “Ehm, he’s not a secret admirer at all!” he grins pleased, “He’s been kind, don’t you think?” You take your cup of tea and add some sugar and start blending it, “Yeah” you whisper very softly filling the teaspoon with tea to taste it, and after a deep breath you go on, “At least he didn’t throw the fact the children are more important than him in my face!”, so you take your cup and sip your tea slowly. “He’d never do it!” remarks Shane and coming close to you he adds, “Hey! He knows very well how much you care the children,” you keep your head bent and play with the teaspoon, then he puts his hands over your shoulders, “And this is one of the reasons why he loves you so much! Why don’t you tell him the truth?” “Which truth?” “That you love him. Monica, I’m not stupid and neither James is!” The only truth you know is that you’re confused. You don’t know what to do because you don’t know what you want or rather, you know what you want but you also know it wouldn’t be the best solution for both. There are too many things to take into consideration. Although James is just for you, he also is a public figure and for lots of people he is nothing but ‘James Dean Bradfield – the lead singer and guitarist from the Manic Street Preachers’. You don’t want to read your name or see your photo on one of those crap gossip newspapers because you know what people would think: ‘she goes out with him because of his money or to have publicity’...he goes out with her because she must be good in bed’ You’d be annoyed about that because it wouldn’t be the truth. The other problem is you. James is a wonderful man who deserves being loved by a true woman who can love him unconditionally and not by a silly little girl like you who’s scared of everything even of being touched by a man. James deserves someone better, someone a lot better than you. Things are like that and no one can do anything to change that. You’d just want not to think of him but everything around you reminds you of him: when you see a guitar, when watching a film there’s someone who’s called like him, when you sing the kids that song you sang him when he had flu, when you play with Stella, when you see the drawing of you he made, when you listened a CD there’s at least one song which reminds you of him: Oasis – ‘Don’t go away’: ‘Damn my situation and the games I have to play / With all the things caught in my mind /Damn my education I can't find the words to say / With all the things caught in my mind / … / So don’t go away, say what you say / Say that you'll stay / Forever and a day ... In the time of my life / Cos I need more time, yes I need more time / just to make things right / Me and you what’s going on? / All we seem to know is how to show / The feelings that are wrong’ The Cranberries – ‘When you’re gone’: ‘Hold on to my hands / I feel I'm sinking, sinking without you / And to my mind, everything's stinking / Stinking without you / And in the night, I could be helpless / I could be lonely, sleeping without you / And in the day, everything's complex / There's nothing simple, when I'm not around you / And I miss you when you're gone / That is what I do, baby, baby’ Radiohead – ‘High & Dry’: ‘It's the best thing that you ever had / The best thing that you ever, ever had / It's the best thing that you ever / had / The best thing you ever had has gone away’ Using the words from another Radiohead song ‘Climbing up the walls’ , it’s as if he told you, ‘And either way you turn / I'll be there / Open up your skull / I'll be there / Climbing up the walls’ In one of those moments you wonder if he still thinks of you but you always come to the same conclusion that probably, he’s just getting laid with someone because he’s forgotten about you by now. “After all, why should he think of me? I gave him nothing” “You’re wrong! He always thinks of you. I promised him not to tell you this, but I must tell you the truth. He calls me every day to know about you, to know if you smile or cry, to know if you talk about him!” Afterwards he cups your face in his hands, “Look at me” he says kindly, so you rise your head to look at him, “He does love you. He’s never stopped to love you. Give him a chance.” Slowly your eyes fill with tears, “Monica, you must tell him the truth, he has to know that!” The next morning you and Shane go out and do the shopping and when you get back home you find a message in your machine. “Hello…ehm…dun…dunno why I’m doing this…just wanted…erm…needed to hear your voice…miss ya…” You press the button in the machine and listen to it again and again and again. “How long will you listen to it?” says Shane from the threshold. “Please leave me alone!” you say softly. He walks in and goes on his knees next to your desk then holding your hand he adds, “Monica, now it’s your turn, go and tell him!” Afterwards he gets up and leave. Some minutes later is Chris who enters and comes close to you. “Probably you’ll hate me, but I have to say this all the same. Shane’s right!” You also know, in the deep of your heart, that Shane’s right. You’d like to go to talk to him and get rid of your insecurity and thousand tears once and for all. You’re sure that the thing you more desire now is James. You need him more than anything else in this world. You can’t help thinking of the last time you saw him when you told him that being just friends was the best thing for both. Well, maybe it was for you, but not for him. Your friendship wasn’t enough for him. It was as if he had forced you to make a choice: all or nothing, take it or leave it. You chose: nothing, leave it. That hurt you, you can’t deny it, but you hurt him as well because you didn’t trust him. That was your biggest mistake because you knew that he was sincere when he told you he’d wait for you. He said that more than once. You can’t go on in this way, you must be sincere with him as he’s been with you, and you have to know if he still wants you, so the sooner you’ll know it the better it’ll be. It’s almost midnight when you leave your room and go downstairs. You enter the lounge where Shane’s watching telly and sit close to him. “Can’t wait till tomorrow. I have to do it at once otherwise I’ll change my mind. Please, wish me luck!” He smiles sweetly at you, “You don’t need it. Everything will be alright!” You hold each other for a while. ‘Hope you’re right…really hope you’re right Shane’ you think going out. Although it’s a frosty night and you’re still in front of James’s flat. You’re freezing and not only because of the cold. You’re freezing with terror! There’s a phone box not far from you, so you enter. You grasp the receiver and dial his home number. His phone rings once, twice, three times, four times…but you wait, you want to let it ring again. Finally, after the seventh or maybe the eighth time, he answers. You put down the phone on him at once. You just wanted to check his presence at home. You walk towards his flat, but still don’t have a clue what to say, even because you aren’t sure at all whether you’ll manage to speak looking at him when he’ll open the door. Everything happens really quickly. He opens the door and you immediately start speaking: “James, I need to tell you something, but please, don’t cut me off.” After a while you go on, “James…you were right, I do love you and I need to know if you still love me.” You look at each other for a little while, too less to try to understand any kind of expression from his face, because something else captures your attention. A voice. A woman’s voice that calls his name. “Hey! The bath is…ready!” she says appearing from the bathroom wrapped in a tiny towel and he turns as soon as he hears her voice. She’s very beautiful. Long dark curly hair, big green eyes, perfect body. At that very moment you notice something you didn’t before. Those reddish spots in his lips and in his neck: her lipstick. His unbuttoned shirt. The flies of his trousers undone. His feet are bare. You suddenly feel the stupidest person of the whole universe! You run away before James turns and looks at you again. A while later you hear the door closing. That is his answer… PART 21 >>> <<< Enola's stories |