enola_without-you

WITHOUT YOU I'M NOTHING by Enola

When the train stopped at Euston Station James collected his luggage and got off. He looked around and saw Martin waving at him. James was getting back to London after a four-week holiday in Wales at his father’s and Martin had offered to meet and drive him home. Walking to Martin’s car they decided to have something at a café, so they entered. They sat at a table and in a while a waiter arrived. As they waited for their cappuccinos, Martin endeavoured to start a conversation, but as usual, James was distant. Martin had hoped that spending some time with his dad would help his friend to feel better, but looking at him now he realised that nothing had changed. James was still hurting to death and Martin didn’t know what to do.

“Roxy!”
Martin looked at James in bewilderment as he got up abruptly and left the café. His eyes followed his friend outside where he saw two women he recognised at once: Roxanne and her mum.

James’s and Roxanne’s heartbeats went quicker and quicker as their eyes met for an instant. While he couldn’t believe his eyes, she didn’t manage to face him. He was the last person she wanted to see. He said hi to the both of them but only her mother said hi back forcing to smile. James squatted down and putting his hand over Roxanne’s he said,
“I’m so happy to see you, Roxy. How have you been?”
she withdrew her hand immediately but didn’t speak at once. “I can’t walk,” she spat without looking at him, “how do you think I must feel?” She pushed her wheelchair backwards, turned over and left quickly.

For a few moments he and her mum watched her going away, then they looked at each other.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“Don’t worry James,” replied Roxanne’s mother with a sweet reassuring smile. “I wish I could tell you it’s not always like this, but the truth is that it gets worst and worst every day. She can’t accept it, James. She never will. Swimming was her life.”

James and Roxanne had met three years ago. Due to an accident at home – he had slipped over in the bathroom injuring his shoulder – his doctor, after some weeks of convalescence, had prescribed him to go swimming three times a week for half an hour, so he had gone to a pool near his flat. Roxanne was one of the instructors. The very first day James noticed two dozens of photos up the wall next to the dressing rooms. They were of kids pictured with medals and trophies. About half of the photos were of the same girl – Roxanne Campbell – pictured from the age of 13-14 to her mid twenties.

“That is our Roxy. She’s our big champion,” had said proudly one of the instructors behind him. “She won two gold medals at the World championships seven years ago, then other medals at various European championships and Commonwealth Games. She also took part at one of the Olympics. Now she teaches the kids to swim.”

Some nights later James had been the last one to leave. When he’d come out the dressing rooms she was still swimming. To him she looked like a siren, her swim so fluent and harmonious. He’d smiled to himself and had gone by the pool.
“Don’t you have a home?” he had called out.
She’d stopped and had turned towards him. “You said anything?”
“I was wondering if you have a home,” had said James again.
“Course I have. This pool is!” She’d flashed a big grin at him and had gone on swimming leaving James laughing.

Martin said nothing when James came back. From the expression on his face, it was evident that things hadn’t gone well with Roxanne.
“Do you mind if we go?” asked James as he approached their table. Martin got up and paid the bill.

The journey to James’s flat was made in total silence. When they got there Martin opened the boot of his car and took out James’s luggage.
“Are you ok?” he asked concerned.
“How could I when she doesn’t want me in her life any longer?”
“Give her time. Her life has changed completely all of a sudden.”
James put his hands on his waist and shook his head. He looked like he was dying to kick and hit something. “I want her back and I don’t care how long it’ll take me to let understand that I love her and NOTHING EVER will change this.” He finally took his luggage and entered the building where he lived.

During the first couple of weeks James and Roxanne had simply said hi to each other, most of the times smiling, then one evening they’d met outside the dressing rooms while the both of them were ready to go away.
“You leave earlier today?” had asked James.
“Yep,” had replied Roxanne with a little smile. “Today’s been a hard day. Earlier in the noon one of the kids was going to drown and that scared the shit out of me! Luckily, he’s fine.”
“Glad to know that.” James had smiled back at her and for a moment they’d looked at each other feeling a bit embarrassed. “Well, erm, I guess that, um, now you’re not in the right mood for drinking something together.”
“Well, let me think,” had giggled Roxanne looking up. “Between a drink at home alone and a drink with somebody’s company, I’d say that the latter sounds a lot better!”

After that evening the two of them had started to see each other out of the pool more and more often. They’d spent hours chatting. James had wanted to know everything about her remarkable career as a swimming champion and had enjoyed watching the tape recordings of her best races. Things hadn’t got serious at once since she’d told him about her last boyfriend who’d broken her heart and the last thing she’d wanted was a new serious relationship. James had understood and hadn’t put any pressure on her even though he liked her a lot. For almost one year they’d been close friends, then Roxanne had become aware that she was mad about him and their relationship had taken a step forward. Step after step, one year and one half later, James had proposed to her on the day of her 30th birthday. Roxanne had said yes with no hesitation.

Once James had entered his flat he called his dad and let him know he was at home, then he switched his mobile off. There were six messages on the machine of his home phone but he ignored them. He went to his bedroom and unpacked his bags. Then his eyes stopped over the chest of drawers where there were the photos of Roxanne. He had never loved anyone so deeply. The day she’d accepted to marry him he’d been over the moon. He’d found her, the woman of his life, the mother of his children. But that she’d left him his life from a dream had turned into a nightmare. A nightmare like those that had been persecuting him for almost three months.

Every time he closed his eyes he lived that bloody accident: Roxanne waving at him whilst crossing the street to join him, the ear-splitting honk of a horn car, his voice screaming her name, the piercing noise of the car brakes, Roxanne’s body being catapulted over the wet asphalt. She had regained consciousness a couple of days later and, although everyone had tried to reassure her on her good condition, she had understood at once. For days she hadn’t wanted to see anyone, for a week she hadn’t wanted to see James. She hadn’t wanted him to see her in that state. He, that hadn’t left her for a moment whilst unconscious, hadn’t managed to set his mind at rest.

One day a nurse had given him a letter from Roxanne. She’d decided to leave him because she would have neither accepted he would leave her nor he would stay with her just for pity. She was leaving him because he loved him more than she had ever loved anyone else and for that she wanted him to be happy. She’d known he wouldn’t have been with her.

He couldn’t stop thinking of her. Meeting her out of that café on her wheelchair for the first time hadn’t aroused either feelings of pity or sadness in him. He had felt a deep sense of happiness for seeing her after such a long time. He thought again about what the doctors had said after she’d regained consciousness. She’d been extremely lucky, if that car hadn’t braked just in time she would have been killed.

The next morning he caught a train and in one hour he was in Enfield where Roxanne had moved back to her parents’ after the accident. He took a deep breath before ringing the bell. Roxanne’s mum came to open the door straight away. He was nervous but her warm welcome helped him to relax a little. She invited him in and they hugged each other.
“Is Roxanne in?”
“Where the hell do you think I can go?” Roxanne appeared suddenly from the lounge anticipating her mother. “To have a ride with my bicycle, or perhaps to have a swim?” There was so much anger and sorrow in her voice, the heavy atmosphere was unbearable.

She turned her wheelchair around and went away.
“Roxy wait!” James ran after her and stopped before her preventing her from going on.
“Get out of my way!” she spat without looking at him.
“No I won’t,” said James firmly. “When will you stop ignoring me? It’s time you listen to what I’ve got to say. Roxy I love you…”
“Shut your mouth!”
“Yes, I love…”
“SHUT UP I SAID!” she yelled out with rage. “Look at me James. I’m not the same person anymore. I am paralytic. I’m going to spend the rest of my life on this damn wheelchair. Do you have the least idea of what that means? I need help to wash, get dressed and undressed. I need help to go to the loo. Sometimes I wet myself and I don’t even realised it. Leave me alone James. I’m already making my parents’ lives hell and you don’t know how much I hate myself for this. I can’t do the same to you, I wouldn’t bear it. Now please go.”
“Listen to me first.”
“NO. GO!!”
“Roxy…”
“James please,” began Roxanne’s mother entering the room, “you’d better go.”

“Damn it James! Where the hell did you get to?” said Martin aloud as he saw James arriving at HoN offices in the noon. “We’ve been trying to contact you for hours.”
“I’ve been out and kept my phone off, but honestly, I don’t think I owe you any explanation,” replied James getting extremely upset as if he weren’t already enough. “What the fuck to you have to tell me so urgently?”
“Your dad called me about four hours ago since he couldn’t get hold of you either at home or on your mobile. He got a call from Roxy’s father…”
“Did something happened to her?”
“She’s in hospital.”
“WHAT? Why? Is she ok?”
“She tried to kill herself.”
“Oh my god!!” James rushed off followed by Martin who offered to drive him to the hospital.

Roxanne’s mother was too shattered to tell what had happened. Her husband then told about her screams when she’d brought Roxanne her lunch to her room. When he entered he saw his daughter in bed. Next to her there was the jar of her sleeping pills empty. He believed she’d taken a dozen of them at least. They’d also found a note in her bed. He handed it to James. He could hardly read it as tears dimmed his eyes.

‘Forgive me. I can’t go on like this any longer.’

James crumpled the note into a ball and held it in his hand.

He didn’t leave her for a moment just as he’d done after the accident three months ago. He held her hand in his, he talked to her, he begged her to open her eyes. The next day when she finally woke, he was asleep, his head resting over her belly. She felt confused and sleepy but was happy he was here. She stroked his short brown air and her fingers brushed his lips. After one minute or two he woke. For a moment they looked at each other in silence, then he raised he head and got closer.

“Why are you doing this to me?” said he softly. “You said you loved me, you said you wanted me to be happy. Now tell me, do I look happy to you?”
She reckoned that he looked miserable, a lot more than she’d found him yesterday. His long beard, his sad red-rimmed eyes and his shaky voice affected her deeply.
“I want you back in my life Roxy. I need you. I’m nothing without you.”
“I’m so sorry.” Her voice was barely audible. A tear rolled down her face. “Will you ever forgive me?”
James smiled at her and put his lips on hers. “I know it won’t be easy at the beginning, many things have changed, but together we’ll manage it honey.”

Roxanne was discharged from the hospital four days later. James had suggested spending some time at his place and, to his big surprise, he hadn’t needed to insist. Her parents had brought some of her clothes in a bag and drove them to his flat. They refused James’s invitation to go up and have a cuppa as they thought it was better leaving them alone.

Entering the flat Roxanne realised how much she’d missed the place.
James knelt next to her. “Do you want something to eat or you want to lie down a moment?”
“I wouldn’t mind lying down.”
“Good.” He kissed her then he took her bag and took it to the spare room.

He arranged one pillow on the top of another and took out a blanket from the wardrobe. “I know you can put yourself to bed, but let me help you just for today. Promise.”
“Okay.” Roxanne wrapped her arms around his neck as he bent forward to pick her up. She gave her a big kiss on the cheek once he had laid her down on the bed.
“Are you comfortable? Need one more pillow?”
“Nope, I’m okay,” she smiled.
He spread the blanked over her and sat on the edge of the bed. “Need anything?”
“Yes. Would you lie down next to me?”
“How could I say no!!!” smiled James happily. He took off his shoes and lay down on the other half of the bed.
“Help me to lie on my side.”

“Thank you.”
“What for?”
“For being here. I couldn’t believe my ears when yesterday you said yes.”
“It’s ‘cos I’ve missed you like mad. I’ve missed all this cuddling and kissing. And I wanna test us. I wanna see if we can still work fine together. If we can have a future.”
“Do you love me?”
“Yes, I do.”
“I love you too. And do you want to be with me?”
“Yes, but…”
James put his index finger on her lips. “No buts. We love each other and want to be together. That’s what matters. Your handicap is not a problem. Thousands of people had to deal with it before you. If they’ve managed it I don’t see why you shouldn’t. As I told you some days ago, it’s not going to be easy but you more than anyone else should know what struggle for reaching a goal means. For years you’ve trained yourself to win the swimming competitions and you did it. This is a new challenge, a new competition, and I’m ready to bet whatever you like that you will win this time too.”
“You’re right. Fuck, you are.” Roxanne smiled widely and planted a kiss on James lips. “Thank you darling for opening my eyes.”
“You’re a fighter baby, never forget that.”

The end.

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