janey_15-years-too-late

15 YEARS TOO LATE? by Janey

PART 1

Stella surveyed the rooms of their home one by one, making sure that she had packed and boxed everything that was hers to take. She couldn’t think of anything else that she should take with her, so joined her brother Jeremy in the van.

“Ok, that’s it,” she said sadly, but determined not to cry.
“Are you sure about this Stella? I know I’ve never liked him but all the same he deserves to be told face to face rather than in some note; it’s cowardly and childish of you.”
“Look!” she spat. “When I want your advice I’ll ask for it. If I spoke to him face to face I now what will happen, because we’re so fucking predictable.”
“Stop swearing!”
“Oh Jeremy, put a sock in it. I know that you’ll always think of me as your little sister but I’m twenty, not a kid.”
Jeremy knew better than to respond to that. He could remember all too well how he was at the tender age of twenty; he was convinced he knew it all and was very grown up. Only now had experience taught him that, at twenty, in maturity terms, he was definitely still a kid.

Stella and James had begun living together nine months before, convinced they were in love and could cope with anything providing they were together. They had only been dating for a couple of months but were adamant that it was the right thing for them to do and refused to listen to any advice that was offered to them.

Things had been idyllic initially and the sex fantastic, but the band played more and more gigs, which Stella didn’t mind because she often went to see them and it was always a thrill for her to watch James on stage, all sweaty, with his top off, flashing his six pack to a crowd of mainly adoring females. It gave her a buzz knowing that the man she loved and slept with was the fantasy of so many women.

James’ head however, was gradually being turned by the plethora of women that would greet him, extolling his physical attributes and vocal talent. For a young man of twenty it was a powerful aphrodisiac and high, and he started to indulge in the groupies, talking with security to keep Stella out of the way until he’d finished screwing his latest conquest. It was too good an opportunity to miss, and in his naiveté he reasoned that what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her, only of course he was going to get discovered at some point.

Stella had suspected that he was up to no good when she called him one night at his hotel. She had been convinced that there had been a girl in the room but James had told her that it was the television she had heard. It had taken a lot of coaxing but finally Stella accepted his explanation. James didn’t have a girl in his room; he had two; that night he experienced his first threesome. The most worrying thing about it was that he actually enjoyed it, the fear of getting caught adding to the thrill of it.

In his mind he wasn’t cheating on Stella because the other women were merely bodies for him to use and he was there for them to use, whereas with Stella it was emotional; he loved her. The sex they shared was different to the sex he shared with groupies; with them it was all about release and literally could not give a damn whether they gained anything satisfying from the encounter. James was becoming something of a bastard, and a careless bastard at that.

They played three gigs on consecutive nights in Cardiff; Stella telling James she would attend the final gig with a couple of her girlfriends. Convinced that she’d be with her friends after the gig rather than wanting to join him in the dressing room whilst he showered, James neglected to inform security to keep an eye out for her and divert her if she turned up. Stella discovered James shagging a girl in his shower. What added to her humiliation was the pain of it being one of her girl ‘friends’ that was screwing him. She had been so furious that she couldn’t speak, instead she threw all of James’ clothes into the shower and left.

He arrived back home full of remorse and begging for forgiveness saying that he didn’t know what had come over him and promising it would never happen again and that he hadn’t ever done it before. Initially Stella had been resolute that he should move out because she could no longer trust him, but he had forcibly kissed her and gradually her resolve weakened and she relented; it led to the most passionate sex they had ever enjoyed.

James behaved for the next few months and even when she turned up out of the blue to a gig or hotel, he had nothing to worry about because he was doing nothing wrong. One night in bed, after some more great sex, Stella had sobbed and apologised for being a paranoid bitch and not trusting, declaring that she believed that the shower incident was indeed a one off. Cuddling her to sleep that night James began plotting his next encounter.

He called her from a hotel in Germany one night saying how much he missed her and that his bed was empty without her, and Stella’s heart had soared; it meant the world to her that he was thinking of her across the miles. James though had made a fundamental mistake; he didn’t make sure that the phone was settled back in the cradle properly in his haste to shag the young groupie sharing his bed, and Stella was left to hear James telling the groupie to ‘suck my dick ‘til I cum baby’ and tell her what he was going to do.

Enough was enough; unable to deal with the humiliation Stella started to make plans to move out. When James called, she pretended that everything was ok and would tell him that she was going crazy without him, and couldn’t wait for the day he returned home.

When he did return, at the end of the tour, he found an empty house and a note on the bed. The bed was slashed as a parting gesture of her fury, and the note told him what she thought of him, that she was leaving Wales and that he was never to bother contacting her. The only problem was, she loved him.

15 years later

Stella entered the chemist looking extremely flustered and uncomfortable, part of that due to the horrendous blizzard conditions outside but also she had started her period five days early and had been dismayed on discovering that she had no tampons or pads either in her bag or in her locker. Nor did she have any painkillers so she was in a spectacularly crabby mood and very self-conscious.

She had come out once she had realised that she had nothing with her but was concerned that she would need to change her clothes. Thankfully her coat was long and padded, so at least she would be safe while she was out, and the problem would be when she returned to work. Considering her options she decided to stop at the nearest clothes shop and get some more underwear and another pair of trousers; better to be safe than sorry, she figured.

“Why don’t you fucking look…”
Oh damn that voice, surely not.
“Stella!”
“James.”
“Still in a hurry to get away from me?” he snapped, blocking her exit from the store.
She glanced at him and in spite of the anger and hatred in his eyes her heart skipped a beat; there was just something about him. Charisma, je ne sais quoi: whatever, he had it in spades.
“Bye,” she spluttered abruptly.
“Still not willing to give me an explanation Stella? I get back from tour to find a garbled note and slashed bed, and you already gone! Not a nice welcome home.”

To get him to move, Stella purposely stomped on his feet and then barged by him, into the street and the lousy weather once more, hugging her bag with her newly acquired purchases to her body and huddled off to the next shop she needed, not daring to glance back.

“You will not walk away from me again!”
“What the…”
Stella was yanked backwards; James grabbed her right arm and made sure that he had more than enough strength to get her attention.
“Stop ignoring me Stella!” To say he was pissed off was an understatement. His eyes were practically black with fury. “You owe me!”

“I owe you?” she bellowed, oblivious to the shoppers walking by and staring at them. “You were screwing on me you bastard! Did you expect me to ignore it? Well, I couldn’t. Now if you don’t mind I want you to leave me alone or I shall call the police.”
James was left standing on the pavement getting covered in snow and getting angrier and angrier by the minute, but he was aware that a public showdown was not what he needed.

“Stella, are you ok?” asked Debbie, one of her colleagues. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
“That would be because I have,” said Stella mysteriously.

The journey home took twice as long as usual because of the appalling weather conditions, the one consolation she had after such a crap day was that she now had two days off, so she could be miserable in peace.

The packet said ‘vegetable curry and rice’ but the actual meal bore little resemblance to that. Stella then called her sister and deliberately avoided mentioning that she had met James again. Jeremy, her brother, had always disliked him, but Mandy, her sister, adored him and had always been convinced that all Stella had needed to do was stick with him, and James would have tired of the groupies and would then love her even more because of her loyalty towards him. Stella hadn’t believed it for a second of course.

Jeremy had made no qualms in informing her that she hadn’t been fair or adult about the break up, but Mandy had really gone for the jugular, and had even threatened to go round and let James know her new address and contact number, ‘cos she was so disgusted at how Stella had dealt with the situation.

Stella had threatened to isolate herself from her siblings if Mandy interfered so reluctantly Mandy relented and left Stella to get on with her life, not wanting to cause a family rift.

She said goodbye to her sister, poured a single malt into a glass, then sighed and closed her eyes as she took a sip and the liquid warmed her through. The doorbell interrupted her relaxation.
“Who the hell can that be?” When she opened the door she could hardly believe her eyes. Stood before her, covered in snow, was James. “What the hell?”
“Thanks I will,” he smirked, forcing his way into her home.
“Wait a minute!” she screamed ferociously after him. “How dare you? I didn’t invite you here and I don’t want you here.”

He stood in front of the largest radiator in the lounge, warming his body through, and then Stella noticed he was drinking from her glass of whisky.
“You don’t mind me having some whiskey to help me thaw out do you? I’ve damn near frozen my bollocks off coming here to see you.”
“How did you know where to find me?”
“Once I knew that you were here it was easy. I followed you to your work, very discreetly because I wanted you to think that I’d stayed behind, suitably chastised and ashamed, and it worked a treat. All I had to do then was try and contact you at work to check if you’d married and changed your name; you haven’t though have you? Then all I had to do was contact Seany and let him peruse the electoral rolls to find you. It was easy really darling!” he winked, knowing that it would irritate the hell out of her.

“James please, just go. I don’t want any trouble. What happened is over and done with so what’s the point in dwelling on it?”
“I’ve never got over you Stella. You broke my heart and I never recovered.”
“Tough!” she spat. “Just get the fuck out of my house and life and don’t ever contact me again, I mean it James, now go!” With fire in her eyes and anger etched over her face, Stella left him and walked to the door. “I’ll count to ten James and then I will call the police. You have picked on the wrong woman, at the wrong time.”

With his anger still evident, but also, surely not; was that hurt; James joined her with his coat back on. “This isn’t over so don’t get complacent Stella. We will talk so stop hiding behind threats.” He then abruptly opened the door and walked out, leaving Stella surprised by his actions, and watching the lonely figure get covered in white and gradually disappear.

If it had been the right thing for her to do why did she spend the night thinking of him and every small detail she could recall from the smell of him; his aftershave and shower gel, the clothes he was wearing, his facial expressions, mannerisms and phrases. It made her smile that he still said ‘kinda like’ and ‘ya know’ in that really cute way that he had.

For all he had put on weight, he looked good; hell he looked better than good. He was hot and horny and she knew that she was falling for him all over again. James Dean Bradfield was a very dangerous man for her emotionally and Stella knew that she would have to be on her guard at all times. Without doubt she believed James when he’d said it wasn’t over; he was very determined.

“Morning baby.”
“James!” Stella bellowed; rubbing her eyes after being rudely awakened by the telephone. “Leave me alone!” She slammed the phone down, and almost immediately it rang again, covering her ears with the duvet, she let it ring determined not to answer it, no matter how long it rang for.

Eventually it stopped and she pulled the phone out of the socket, went downstairs and turned of the volume of the ringer off. Fleetingly she considered putting the answerphone on but the thought of the endless rants from James soon made her rethink that particular idea.

The bedroom clock flashed 07.10am, it was going to be one of those days; damn him for getting to her. Stella took another couple of painkillers and settled back into bed, but sleep eluded her.

“You really are pissing me off now!” Stella screamed at him when he pushed by her to get into the house some hours later.
“Forgotten how determined I can be baby?” he chuckled, taking his coat off and laying it across the radiator. “Tea would be grand thanks.”
“I am not your baby.”
“Oh yes you are sweetheart, always will be no matter what you think.”
“What’s to talk about? You screwed around James, you shagged groupies when we were living together and got caught out. Now go and leave me alone.”

“You still love me and I still love you. In some ways getting found out was the best thing because arriving home to an empty house made me appreciate you and realise what I’d been risking. I expected you to call me, convinced it was bollocks about you moving and not wanting me to know but then Jeremy bloody confirmed it; Mandy as well. I tell you, I was gutted.”
The sadness and regret was evident in his eyes. He wasn’t bullshitting, he was being honest and it was genuinely touching.

“That’s as maybe James but I have no regrets. I would never have trusted you again and that would have led to the end of the relationship anyway. All I did was stop unnecessary fighting and arguing which can’t be a bad thing.”

They were both stood up, James with his hands in his pockets, Stella at the opposite end of the lounge with her arms folded defensively against her chest. She was having difficulty looking at him, and each time that she did, her heart skipped a beat and memories of their love danced in her memory, making her susceptible to his charms, so, she tried to avoid him.

“I’m sorry.”
Stella did a double take; had she really heard him correctly?
“I blew what was the very best thing to ever happen to me. No one’s ever come close to making me react the way you do Stella. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone the way I wanted, and still want to be with you. We could have been so happy but I got greedy; convinced myself that it was ok to go with the others ‘cos it was purely sex, they didn’t mean anything but what I failed to consider was your reaction when you found out. After being able to placate you the first time and having you feel so bad and guilty, I though I was almost invincible. Talk about an egotistical dickhead; I needed a good slapping.” James smiled wryly to her and Stella smiled back, his humility endearing and beguiling; her hard veneer was slipping.
“Why don’t you sit down James, and I’ll go and make some tea.”
“Thanks Stella, I appreciate that, really I do.”

Stella’s heart was racing and she had butterflies. On entering the kitchen she took a deep breath and counted to ten until she had calmed down sufficiently to stop her hands from shaking. Her period pains were bad again so she popped another couple of caplets from their plastic strip and took a glass of water to swallow them down with. She then put the empty glass in the washing up bowl and automatically rubbed her stomach in a soothing gesture.

“You still get painful periods?”
His voice made her start. She hadn’t heard him and had had no idea of his presence in the kitchen.
“Yes, that’s why I was at the chemist; damn thing took me by surprise.”
James was over to her with a tender smile on his lips. “Remember how I used to hold you and soothe you each month?”
She nodded and smiled; James had been amazing. He would make her snuggle under a duvet on the sofa and sit with her whilst they watched old movies, and he would run around for her, always ensuring that she had whatever she required. Best of all though were the stomach and back massages that he would give her to help her relax and take her mind off the pain she was experiencing.

Periods had never phased him; he went shopping for her sanitary products and even washed their underwear or bedding when they had been especially heavy. From that point of view, he was a gem.
“Would you like me to do that again?” he asked quietly, interrupting her thoughts and folding his arms around her waist, his warm breath tickling the back of her neck. “I’m sure that I still have the magic touch.”

Stella didn’t doubt it, his close proximity was awakening those long buried emotions and she could do without it; it was unnerving and she knew that she would need every ounce of control. Still, she had to give James credit; he was being very kind and sympathetic.

The realisation gnawed at her; he was acting like everything was fine and she was allowing him to. There was still something special about him and he managed to captivate her like no other man had done. Was that captivate or manipulate? Right at that moment Stella was so confused, she really wasn’t sure. All it had taken was one brief ‘I’m sorry’ and a brief explanation for his actions. All in all he had basically got away with it. What she should have done was grill him and make him suffer as he relived his selfishness; she ought to have made him beg for forgiveness and be full of guilt and remorse that he cried. Instead she’d accepted what he’d said and they were acting like nothing had gone wrong.

“On second thoughts James,” she muttered trying to move away from him but finding it difficult with James rubbing her stomach and nuzzling at her neck. “It would be better if you were to go. This isn’t a good idea and I don’t want to mislead you. I appreciate that it must have been hard for you to come here but you did, and, as far as I’m concerned, it’s all over. Goodbye James and take care of yourself. I do mean that.”

Whilst she had been speaking James had moved in front of her. “Oh no,” he said in exasperation. “You can’t do this to me Stella, you can’t. All these years I’ve searched for you and why? Because I love you, that’s why. I’m still in love with you Stella and you know that we’re supposed to be together. It’s destiny.”
“No James; you need to assuage your guilt and you’ve done that. There’s nothing more for us to say; we both have lives to get back to. There’s no big friendship and definitely no relationship.”

James turned his back to her, shaking his head and slumping his shoulders. “That’s it? Not even a chance to rekindle our relationship and build on the love that we have? I don’t understand how you can turn your back on it. Fifteen years it has taken me to find you and tell you how important you still are to allow me, and for what? All so that you can kick me in the bollocks.”
“Carry on with the self pity and I’ll throw you out and never want to see you again; don’t ruin it.”
“What’s to ruin: nothing. You’ve made that perfectly clear.”
“Go, go on. Get out of my home and don’t try to contact me again because I don’t want to know. I had thought that we’d be able to be civil if we met up again in the future but that’s obviously too much to hope for with you carrying such a huge fucking chip on your shoulder!”

He then totally caught her off guard; he began crying and was making no attempt to hide it.
“I knew it wasn’t going to be easy,” he spluttered, raising a hand to wipe away the tears. “Why should it be?”
“I’ve been nothing like as tough as I should have been. That’s why you thought you could cosy up to me like you did.”
“I hadn’t planned it you know. Seeing you taking those tablets and rubbing your stomach made the memories come back; I honestly didn’t mean to offend you. Then it was the most natural thing in the world to put my arms around you the same way that I used to, to make you feel more comfortable.”

James turned around to face her and Stella’s heart sank; she’d never seen him so morose and upset, and it made her feel like a prize bitch.
“Thank you, it helped.”
“That was the intention.”
Stella smiled. “Look, I think we’ve said all we need for now, so let’s part on good terms James.”
“Can I see you again?” he asked. “Let me give you my number and then it’s up to you Stella.” He took a pen and notebook out of his back trouser pocket, wrote down his mobile number and placed it on the work surface.

Stella was pleased that he had done it that way so as not to put undue pressure on her. “Thanks James.”
“Ok I’ll leave you to it then. Thanks for listening to me Stella, I appreciate.” He then smiled his magnificent smile and Stella’s heart soared.

An hour after he had gone Stella picked up the telephone number. She was tempted to put it in the bin but for some reason she couldn’t, so instead she tucked it into a drawer in the kitchen along with various menus from takeaways and taxi company cards.

Part 2 >>>

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