janey_a-missed-opportunity

A MISSED OPPORTUNITY? by Janey

“Tanya will you please stop this?” pleaded James going dizzy as he watched her pace around the room yet again. Anytime now he’d see tracks in the carpet where she’d worn the pile away.
“Stop what exactly?” came the bellowed retort.
“This isn’t helping anything,” he tried to reason.
“No fucking kidding. Way to go Sherlock!” Tanya was livid, actually she was more than livid. “ ‘Spend the weekend with me’ you said. ‘I’ll have told her so we can be together’ you said! Not turned out like that has it?”

James couldn’t ever remember seeing her like this and heaven knows he had managed to annoy her quite a lot since he had known her. “She’s still my wife; what am I supposed to do?”
“Do I look like I have an answer to that you want to hear?” Tanya spat back.

James said nothing, he couldn’t. Instead he shrugged his shoulders, rubbed his fingers over his face and stared down between his legs at the carpet.
Tanya grabbed her phone and flung her handbag over her left shoulder, glaring at him in disgust. “Fine,” she announced. “You won’t do anything about this so I will. Goodbye James.”
“Tanya wait!” he urged, springing to his feet and standing in front of the door.
“No. Enough is enough,” she said forcefully. “I told you two months ago that I would not have a relationship with a married man, and you promised me that your marriage was over and that you’d tell her so that we could be together. How stupid am I? I actually believed that you weren’t jerking me around. Damn but I fucked up big style didn’t I?” Green eyes narrowed with rage and she was breathing heavily in frustration.

“It’s not that easy.”
“What you mean is that I’m not what you want. Oh I’d be ok for a little bit on the side but I’ve told you a thousand times that’s not me James! I didn’t ask you to leave her, you said that you were going to.”
“It’s not that easy,” James lamely stated once more.
“So you’ve already said,” Tanya yelled. “When you decide to get divorced, if you ever do, call me. Perhaps then we can have a relationship!”
James couldn’t prevent her from leaving.

When he returned from the break James rang Nicky and asked if they could meet up because he needed to talk.
“Ok,” said Nicky inviting James through to the kitchen with him. “What the hell is going on?”
“It’s Tanya,” James muttered in response. “I love her.”
“Nurse Tanya?”
“How many other fucking Tanya’s do I know?”
“Ok, ok! No need to get so fucking tetchy!”
The two men stayed in silence until the coffees were ready and then moved into the lounge.

“Nick, I’m in a mess.”
“Umm, married to one woman and in love with another, or are you in love with them both? Are you actually seeing Tanya?”
“I’m in love with Tanya but nothing has happened, not even a kiss because I’m still married.”
“I take it that that’s Tanya’s doing?”
“Yeah. I told her that I was going to get divorced so she kinda said that when I left the wife and started divorce proceedings, she would start seeing me.”
“So what went wrong? I take it that you don’t want a divorce?”
“That’s just it; I do. But ‘you know who’ is being a real bitch. I told her and she laughed in my face and said that she would be the one to decide if or when our marriage was over. I’m too bloody scared of her.”

“Does Richey know about you wanting to see one of his former nurses?” asked Nick, aware that it could complicate things. Tanya was one of Richey’s confidantes.
“All he knows is that I’m attracted to her. Hopefully if we ever did start seeing each other he’d be ok. It won’t be too embarrassing for him will it?”
“No I guess not, though it will be bad enough because she knows stuff that none of us do.”
“Yeah I’m aware of that but it’s not helping me is it?” barked James impatiently.
“I’m not sure what you want me to say James. To be honest if you’re sure that your marriage is over then call it a day. Not just in the hope that you and Tanya will work out.”

“My wife, the bitch, says that she’ll go to the press with all kinds of garbage about me if I try to divorce her. Apparently she’ll humiliate me like I’ve never known.”
“Does she have any idea about Tanya?”
Nervously James sipped on his coffee. “No. I dread to think how things would be even she even suspected.”
“So the weekend wasn’t good then?”
James laughed inanely. “She tried to make love to me but I couldn’t even get a hard-on. We hardly spoke. I should never have married her.”
Remarkable Nicky kept a dignified silence and didn’t even make any tell tale sarcastic gestures or pull a funny face saying ‘I told you so’.

“Any chance that the marriage can be saved?”
“Not a hope in hell.”
“Then get a divorce and cope with whatever she throws at you.”
“And Tanya?”
“Give yourself time and then see how you feel. It’s possible that you’re so fond of her because your marriage is in terminal decline as well as the fact that she is very caring and a good listener.”
“Nick,” said James firmly and loudly. “I know how I feel, I want to be with her.”
“So there’s no problem with a waiting a few more months is there? Give yourself some breathing space James, that’s all I’m saying.”
James muttered something in response but Nicky wasn’t sure what it was or even if it was in English.

James did consult a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Unsurprisingly when his spouse found out from a solicitor’s letter rather than from James himself, she was more than a little peeved. Soon stories began appearing in the press about James having a propensity to violence when he drank too much; how she suspected he and Richey were secret lovers and that James needed to take tablets to be able to ‘perform’ with her. All of which was utterly untrue.

Richey was devastated on his friend’s behalf but was aware that if he wasn’t careful about what he said he could make things a whole lot worse. He did however confide in James his suspicions that she had had several affairs during their brief marriage.
“She came on to me but I told her to fuck off,” Richey explained.

For James it had been anything but a surprise. Not long after their honeymoon he had gone through their wedding photographs and a couple of things jumped out at him. One was that she never looked directly at him in the photo’s, the other was that her body was always twisted away from him. Only later did it occur to him that she never held his hand or touched him. In the course of their courtship the relationship had ended many times and it had always been her who initiated the reunions, seducing him with sex and promises that she would change. All she actually wanted was the status of being a successful singer’s wife and the money and kudos that went with it.

From the first moment he had met her Richey had been suspicious, something just didn’t ring true about her and he had no qualms in telling James his concerns but James had made excuses and just asked Richey to get to know her better. What he didn’t know was that ‘she’ behaved differently on her own to when she was with James. Even when Nicky, Sean, Martin and Philip mentioned it to him, James found it hard to believe. In his mind they were being jealous because his friends; the band, were no longer his main priority.

Initially they had planned for a quiet wedding but steadily she had found excuses to invite more and more people and to make it more and more lavish. James had gone along with it because he wanted her to be happy, but the niggling doubts had already started eating away at him; again though he brushed it aside, convinced he was suffering pre-wedding jitters.

“James, James!” yelled Sean banging on the door.
“Hold on will you, you impatient git!”
“Hurry up and open the door.”
“What…” said James to Sean who was pushing his way into the now open house, “…is your fucking problem? Where’s the fire?”
“I’ve just spoken to Tanya; she asked how you were doing.”
“Did you tell her that I’m a lot poorer but a lot happier?” James raised his eyebrows and frowned at the sarcastic comment.
“No I told her that you’re poorer, relieved that the marriage is over but miserable as sin because you’re missing her.”

“Like she gives a damn!”
“Stop feeling so fucking sorry for yourself! She does care; a lot.”
“That why she hasn’t fucking bothered to contact me?” spat James pouring them both large neat whiskey’s and then drinking his in one huge gulp. “I’ve been divorced four months and it’s been nine since I saw Tanya. She hasn’t even been in touch; not even asked Richey how I am.”
“Richey was a patient of hers, technically still is as he sees her as an outpatient so it wouldn’t be ethical for her to start asking him about you would it?”
“She would have asked if she was interested.” James gulped down another whiskey.
“Stop being so obnoxious! She figured that you’d call her if you were still interested, she didn’t want to put any pressure on you.”
“So she wants me to call her?” asked James, a grin forming on his lips.

“It’s not that easy.”
“Why not? Either she wants to see me or she doesn’t.” James watched Sean growing increasingly agitated and restless. “Spit it out Sean!”
“She’s just been accepted for a job in Florida, said there’s nothing to keep her here.”
“Not even me?”
“Is she a fucking psychic now?”
“Mind reader!”
“What ever! Stop being so awkward and smart-arsed about it. She figured that you weren’t interested because you didn’t make contact.”
“Why do you have to tell me this? I could have carried on being blissful in my ignorance but oh no! You had to tell me she’s moving out of the country didn’t you? Enjoying the gloat?”
“You stupid, idiotic, blinkered buffoon! I’m telling you so that you can do something about it before it’s too late. You can get her back if you want James, it’s up to you.” Sean downed his whiskey, put the glass down on the table and left James to contemplate his next move.

Slugging back another whiskey as he tried to decide what to do, James had another visitor, Richey.
“James I don’t fucking believe it,” he moaned, hunting through James’ drinks cabinet until he found the vodka, and pouring a large one. “Tanya’s going to the States soon, well in a few months. What am I going to do?”
“What are YOU going to do?” James asked acidly forgetting that Richey was unaware of his deep feelings for Tanya.
“Yeah she was, IS a great nurse, and seeing her for counselling has really helped. I’ll have to get to know someone knew and develop some trust with them and that’s going to be so damned difficult.” Richey was so morose; it was obviously hurting him and causing him a lot of anguish.

“Richey there’s something that you need to know.”
“Oh what?”
James put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and sat next to him. “I’ve fallen for Tanya in a big way. Before, well, I asked her if she would start seeing me if I left the dragon and she said that she would…”
Richey didn’t let him finish. “So you’re sleeping with her? You knew about her going to the States and didn’t tell me? Fuck, you didn’t even tell me that you were seeing her! Why couldn’t you…”
“Will you stop fucking rambling!” bellowed James angrily. “There’s nothing to tell, because we never started seeing each other. I was so gutless and afraid of the dragon that I asked her for a divorce once but she was so hateful I didn’t asked her again. Tanya got fed up with what she saw as me jerking her around and told me to get lost. She walked out on me.”
“But the divorce?” Richey was clearly confused, and it wasn’t because of the alcohol he’d consumed.

James took a deep breath. “My solicitor sent the dragon a letter. She moved out of the house because she was angry, and the rest you know…the stories in the press and everything.”
“And Tanya? What, you called her and she said no?”
“No Rich, I didn’t call her. I thought that when she saw I was getting divorced she would contact me; she didn’t.”
“You great bloody idiotic twat!”
“Gee thanks. Sugar the pill why don’t you?”
“Sarcasm doesn’t become you Jamesy!” mocked Richey. “Why didn’t you say anything? I knew you fancied her ‘cos you said but I didn’t know that you were so keen on her.”
“Well it doesn’t matter now does it? She’s moving abroad and that’s that.” Although he tried to appear nonchalant James could mask the pain and despair he was truly feeling.
“James you should call her and tell her how you feel.”
“It’s too late.”
“It’s never too late, not when you’re in love. You deserve to be happy; both of you.”
James looked at Richey and smiled. Who’d have thought that Richey could be the voice of reason?

Richey thrust the telephone into James’ hand. “You have her number I assume, so bloody well call her.”
“Rich she may well be seeing someone else by now, hell she probably is. She wouldn’t have waited for me would she now?”
“Stop being so pessimistic! Nothing ventured, nothing gained and all that. Now RING!”
So, feeling like a scolded child James checked his diary and dialled her number. She answered quickly and Richey swiftly put the call onto speakerphone so that he could hear as well.

“Tanya, it’s erm James,” he spluttered, glaring at Richey as if to say ‘if this goes wrong, you are a dead man’!
“Oh James. How are you doing?” Evidently he’d caught her off guard.
“Ok but at the risk of sounding very forward, very desperate or both, I’m missing you like crazy. Can I see you?”
There was a long pause. “I’m not sure that that’s a good idea,” she finally said.
“Oh.” James was then startled when Richey gave him a dig in his ribs for his lameness.

“Did Richey tell you that I’ve got another job?”
“Actually Sean did,” answered James, making Richey splutter his drink.
“Oh of course. Are you doing ok? After the divorce and everything are you all right?”
“Like I said, I’m missing you.”
“I’m sorry James but you need to move on. We will never be.”
“Is there someone else?” Another long pause followed so James finally interjected: “Tanya?”
“Yes, yes there is.” Her voice was quiet. “I’m sorry James. Please, be happy.”
“Tanya…” The sound of the computerised voice kicked in, ‘the other person has cleared’.

Richey rubbed a hand over his face and pushed his hair back. “James, I am so sorry,” he said feebly.
With tears in his eyes James pulled the phone cord out of the socket and hurled the phone across the room, seemingly not caring that it fragmented into lots of tiny pieces when it made contact with the wall.
“Come on,” said Richey. “This isn’t going to solve anything.”
“Well I feel fucking better for doing it! Tell her how you feel, that’s more or less what you and Sean both said, only neither of you bothered to find out if she already had someone! That’s how little she thought of me.”
“Stop being so bloody melodramatic and go and see her. I think she just said that because she doesn’t want you to hurt her again.”
James saw red and launched an angry verbal tirade at Richey, only just stopping short of actually walloping him.

“Come on the Bradfield!” goaded Richey. “Fucking hit me if you think it will help.”
“Bastard!” spat James, slumping into another chair and sobbing. “The only good thing I could have had and I’ve lost her before I even fucking had her.”
“Go and talk with her; find out if there really is someone. She won’t be able to lie so easily in front of you.”
“She won’t be lying now Rich, she doesn’t lie.”
“Most people will lie if they think it’s the only way that they can protect themselves James.”
James rubbed his eyes and glanced over at his friend. “Since when did you become so sensible and philosophical?”
“Richey giggled. “It’s just a hunch.”

An hour later a suddenly very sober James was ringing Tanya’s doorbell. She opened the door and without saying a word, let him in.
“Sorry to just turn up unannounced,” he said apologetically, “but I wanted to see you.”
“I’m sorry I put the phone down on you, that was very petulant and childish of me.”
“I forgive you,” he said light-heartedly, joining her in the kitchen whilst she made them a pot of tea. “My phone call did kinda like come out of the blue.”
“Not unlike this visit,” she said spikily.
“Touché!”

“Look James,” she said, her friendliness gone. “Why are you here?”
“Because I love you and I wanted to tell you. I’ve been a fool Tanya.”
“This is not a good idea James. You shouldn’t have come and I definitely shouldn’t have let you in. Please, just go. Let me get on with my life and you go and get on with yours.”
“Please Tanya, indulge me. You’re breaking my heart by leaving so at least do me the fucking courtesy of being honest with me. I know I’ve been a badly behaved prick that doesn’t deserve any answers, but I’d like some, and then I’ll go. I’ll leave you to get on with your new life.”

“What’s the point James? Nothing will change.”
“I never said that it would,” he said evenly. “Are you happy?”
“Yes.”
“Really happy? Happy in the way that I made you feel when we spent time talking?”
“He’s a good man James.”
“That isn’t what I asked Tanya.”
“Yes, I’m happy. Why else would I get a job in the States and move home?”
“To escape from the reminder of the love you’d thought you’d never have?”
Tanya flashed him an angry venomous glare. “You conceited bastard!”
“It’s the truth! You still love me but when I didn’t call you I hurt you even more than I already had with my previous empty promises, so now you’re settling for Mr Reliable.”
“How dare you make such accusations when you don’t know him?”

“No I don’t, that’s perfectly right but there’s no fire in your eyes Tanya. NO wispy fair away look like you had with me. He doesn’t make your nerves rattle with anticipation does he? He doesn’t give you butterflies or make your stomach flip.”
“You assume too much!” In spite of her bravado, she was rattled and her body language was betraying her clearly and loudly.
“I never even kissed you but I had you tied up in knots of anticipation and desire didn’t I? You wanted me to touch you so much…to stroke my hands over your skin…like this.”

Tanya hissed and closed her eyes when she felt his fingertips stroking up and down her arms, and his warm breath on the back of her neck. This had been what she was afraid of. Her body responded to him although she was desperately willing it not to.
“James…” It was so quiet and breathy that it was practically silent.
“I want you Tanya,” whispered James. “But most of all I love you and I need you.”
“James I…”
“Yes baby?” All he was doing was caressing her arms still, nothing more, but it was driving her crazy. She shivered under his touch.
“You need to go,” she sighed.
“I can’t. I can’t go without this…”

Tenderly he spun her around, tilted her head so she was staring directly into his eyes and kissed her. Tanya didn’t even bother to try to pretend she didn’t want him and placed her arms around his neck and returned his kisses with added enthusiasm. Her heart was beating so fast and loudly she could swear that he could hear it.
“James,” she whispered into his mouth.
“Yes darling?” he asked with a smile.
“There is no one else.”
“I know.”
“How?”
“Oh, just a hunch!”

End.

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