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| CANNOT FORGET by Janey “Hey there, stranger!” Nicky spun round wondering who had tapped him on the shoulder. The voice was familiar yet he couldn’t place it. “Kerry!” he beamed in delight. Giving her a huge bear hug, ignoring the disapproving glances of fellow shoppers. “You look amazing! That is one serious sun tan that you have.” “That’s what living in Australia does for you,” she grinned. “Have you got time for a coffee?” “Of course I have.” “So, are you back for a visit then?” Nicky asked, scooping up some of the froth from his cappuccino. “No, I’m house hunting, I’ve moved back. I’m in a rented house at the moment and my stuff is in storage.” “What the hell have you moved back for Kerry? Not that I’m not pleased.” “Oh Nick. Two years I’d been there but I never really settled; I went for the wrong reasons. I thought that if I escaped Wales I would be able to escape, well, you know.” “Oh honey,” he sighed whilst giving her a friendly smile. “Forgive me for being utterly selfish when I say that I’m pleased. It’s great to have you back. Have you got a job lined up?” Kerry giggled, her dark curly hair moving slightly. “I’m freelancing but have lots of bookings. I’m hoping I can get a place with a room to convert into a dark room. It’s costing me an absolute fortune to hire one. So far I’ve done occasional jobs but my diary is getting pretty full now. Not that I’m complaining though, lots of people seem to remember my work and like it.” “Make sure that you leave some time free for us,” Nicky grinned, his bright blue eyes shining brightly. “We always had fun at your shoots.” It was several coffees and almost two hours later when they said their goodbyes. They exchanged contact numbers, Kerry also giving him her address, and they agree to keep in touch. With a towel wrapped around her head to soak up the moisture, Kerry sprawled out on the sofa listening to the radio and reading a book. The ringing of her mobile disturbed her. “Hey,” Nicky said when she answered. “I’m about ten minutes away from you. Fancy a visit?” “Why not!” she giggled. “See you soon.” Hurriedly Kerry changed into a pair of jeans, t-shirt and took the towel from her head, letting her cascading curls free. It wouldn’t take much longer to dry now anyway. Nicky arrived with a large bottle of wine and several bags of nibbles. “A bit presumptuous of me but never mind.” “So were you genuinely in the area or did you purposely come round?” Kerry asked as they both got comfortable in the lounge. “I engineered it,” Nicky smiled. “Don’t be mad.” “I’m not,” she laughed. “I’m pleased. It’s nice to have a bit of company.” “Feeling lonely?” “Most of the time,” she said sadly then added, “I still miss him.” “We all do Kerry,” Nicky said softly. “Why did I survive the crash and not him? It wasn’t right. Richey had so much to offer.” “So do you! I thought that you had counselling to help you come to terms with his death and cope with the guilt?” “I did, I even kept it up in Australia.” “Still, nothing has changed?” “No. He and Sam were so happy until I ripped them apart. I tore you apart, all of you. He gets mangled in the wreckage and all I got was a broken arm, cuts and bruises. What a waste.” Nicky moved to sit beside her and comfort her. His long arms and body making her seem slight in comparison. “It was an accident, no one blames you. You weren’t the prat going the wrong way down the motorway with no lights on.” “I know you mean well Nicky.” “It’s the truth. Quite a few people lost their lives because of that stupid-fucking twat. We were relieved that at least one of you survived.” “The wrong one,” Kerry said, then she began crying. “Some fun you’re having. I’m sorry Nicky.” “Stop it. We all thought the world of you. Why else do you think we stood sobbing like babies when we took you to the airport? The only person being hard on you, is you.” He cradled her to him. “It’s just so unfair,” she protested. “I know honey, I know.” They talked into the night until Kerry fell asleep from emotional exhaustion, still in Nicky’s arms. “Nicky, Nicky wake up.” “Uh?” “You’ll be more comfortable in bed,” whispered Kerry. “Come on, I’ll make up the one in the spare room for you.” “Just cover me, I’ll be fine here on the sofa.” “With your dodgy back you’ve got to be kidding me!” she smiled. “Now stop arguing.” “If you insist.” “Morning. You ought to have woken me earlier Kerry,” Nicky said, joining her in the kitchen. “The least I could do after keeping you awake listening to me moan on, being all maudlin and pathetic.” “That’s what friends are for honey,” he grinned, taking the cup of tea that was offered to him. “I timed that right didn’t I?” “You always did have that knack as I recall.” “Strangely, only ever around you,” he smirked, sitting at the table. “When will you meet the others, or is it too soon to think about it?” “I guess it ought to be sooner rather than later. For all I’ve been back six weeks I didn’t want to assume that you were all still living in the same places.” Nicky rubbed the side of his face. “Not that I want to lecture you again, heaven knows I did that enough last night, but if you’d stayed in touch you would know.” Kerry stuck her tongue out at him. “Ok, ok. I promise that if I go away again, I will keep in touch.” “Hmm, you had better not be thinking of going anywhere!” “To be pedantic for a moment, my profession means that I travel Nicky.” “Stop being facetious!” he giggled, playfully taking a swipe at her. “Damn it’s good to see you again!” Nicky left her mid-afternoon when she had finally persuaded him that she would call the others, then arrange to meet them. “Hi James,” she said nervously into the phone. “Hang on. It can’t be…Kerry, Kerry is it really you?” “It really is me.” “Fucking hell!” Kerry moved the receiver from her ear, she’d forgotten how powerful James’ voice could be. For all she was holding it some distance away, she was still perfectly able to hear all of the questions that he was firing at her. “I was thinking of meeting up with you, obviously it depends on what commitments you all have.” “Kerry I can tell you right now that they’ll cancel them, whatever they are! Bloody hell, I can hardly believe it. Why didn’t you get in touch earlier? All we had was that one postcard: ‘Arrived safely. Thanks for all the good times. Once again I’m sorry. I’ll miss you. Goodbye and good luck.’ We got so worried when we received that and it wasn’t like we weren’t already on tenterhooks with concern about whether you were doing the right thing.” “I wasn’t, I know that now. Any way, we can talk about that when we meet up.” “You didn’t mention Wire,” interrupted James. Kerry sniggered. “It’s because of him that I’m calling you. We met yesterday at the shops, went for a coffee and well…” “He still fancies you.” “James!” Kerry blushed. Thank goodness James was unable to see her, although he anticipated it. “Blushing by any chance Kerry?” She cleared her throat. “A tad, yes.” “Does that mean that you’re actually going to actively remedy the situation?” “What situation?” “The situation of both of you being besotted but being too bloody shy and unsure to do a damn thing about it.” “Oh really?” she huffed. “You exaggerate. We’ve always got on well, that’s all.” “Is that why his tongue was always hanging out or why you kept staring at him? Nicky still pines for you. He hasn’t had one serious girlfriend in the time you’ve been abroad. How many fella’s have you had?” “James! That’s personal.” “Answer me Kerry,” he pushed. “None,” she finally admitted. “Not even a one night stand. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind for falling in love, still aren’t actually.” “You’re already in love. Not that you’ll admit that though.” “I’d know if I was in love.” “I didn’t say that.” “Now who’s being pedantic?” she sighed heavily. “You won’t admit that you’re in love with Nicky because you’re afraid. What of, I don’t know. Look into your heart Kerry; stop forcing emotions and feelings down. Be happy.” That stung. Happy, what right did she have to be happy? – None. Shivers ran down her spine, she visibly shook, her nerves jangling. “Sorry James, I’ve got to go. I have to be at a job soon. I’ll be in touch. See you.” Abruptly Kerry put the phone back into the holder, terminating the call. Her legs were like jelly, her heart beating furiously. If she had stayed in Australia her feelings could have remained somewhat clamped down. Meeting the boys would open old wounds and she really wasn’t convinced that the meeting would heal any. Was coming back a bigger mistake than going away? She was about to discover the answer. She got back from the shoot late. All that she wanted was to get into bed and fall into a nice deep sleep. Preferably a sleep without dreams, for whenever she dreamt, Kerry would have to investigate the hidden meaning, no matter how complicated or abstract. Over the years she had stored many notebooks, all containing her recollections of her dreams, followed by, where possible, the meaning. When she wasn’t sure she would write ‘personal interpretation’ as the title to her explanation. “Hey stranger! This is Sean. Hope you don’t mind but James gave me your number. Don’t be mad at him but you didn’t withhold your number so it was easy for him to get it. I can’t wait to meet up with you again, and my devious wife is planning a girl’s night out as I speak. Welcome home honey. Call us.” How sweet of him! Kerry smiled, remembering some of the wild times she had shared with Kat, Sean’s wife. It had been Kerry who ensured that the pair of them met, believing that they would be perfect together. Two children later, or perhaps there were more now, that still seemed to be the case. At least she had made someone happy. A vision of Sam flashed in to her memory, she was Richey’s one and only true love. She was Richey’s height with bleached blonde hair, almond shaped blue eyes and a smile as blinding as Richey’s. On the night of the accident Sam was supposed to be driving Richey but Kerry had volunteered when Sam was taken ill with a very bad chest infection and pleurisy. How very different things could have been. Sam would have avoided the motorway, the same as she always did. Richey would still be alive. Kerry started sobbing. After many hours of tossing and turning, Kerry fell into a fitful sleep. Only a few hours later her own screams woke her. She sat bolt upright in bed, shivering with cold yet sweating profusely, her breathing quick and distressed. Richey was covered in blood, his horrific injuries as vivid as on the night of the crash. For half an hour she had sat next to him knowing that he was dead. Despite the carnage she had been unable to stop staring at him, taking in each and every injury. Not due to morbid inquisitiveness, but because of a strange compunction from somewhere within. She had done this. She was the driver. She should be dead. Nicky found Kerry on the veranda smoking a cigarette ridiculously quickly and gulping down a glass of wine. There was no colour to her face what so ever although she was wearing make up. There was no disguising that she was pale, wan and obviously fatigued and distressed. “Do you want me to leave you alone?” Nicky asked her quietly. “I want to go home. Please could you get me a taxi?” Nicky could see that she was close to tears so merely nodded and then left to use the phone. “It’s on its way. Will you be ok Kerry?” “Apologise for me please. I thought I’d be ok but it’s too much too soon. I’m sorry.” “Don’t be. We ought to have been more sensitive and considerate. Sam was sorry she couldn’t come.” Kerry groaned tears sprang free from her eyes like a torrent. “I don’t know what I would have done if she was here. I ruined her life,” she sobbed. Nicky was scared, Kerry wasn’t merely crying, she was on the verge of going hysterical. “I’ll go with you. I want to make sure that you get home safely.” He then went to explain to the others. Ah yes home, Kerry was still settling in to her new home, the move had taken place the previous week. There was one thing her new home had in common with the one that she had rented – the terrible nightmares she suffered there. They were becoming more frequent and much more intense. Her nerves were shot to pieces. Would she ever find peace of mind? Over seven weeks Kerry had met with Sean and James, but on her own. Mostly they had had telephone conversations. When the meal at the restaurant had been mentioned, Kerry had thought it a good idea. She was feeling relaxed and comfortable with Nicky, Sean and James so considered it right to meet with everyone. Yes she was nervous but she hadn’t anticipated being affected in such a drastic was, to such a degree. Nicky guided her into her home, settling her down on the sofa. He then hunted around until he found some whiskey and a pair of whiskey glasses. “Here honey,” he said handing her the pale amber drink. “I think you need it.” Kerry seemed to be in a sort of trance, the life had left her eyes. Throughout the journey in the taxi, she hadn’t spoken at all, not even acknowledging that she had heard Nicky speaking to her. In one swift gulp her whiskey was gone, Nicky not quite believing what he was seeing; Kerry had never been a big drinker. Firmly she put the glass on the coffee table, stood up, and then walked out of the room. Puzzled, Nicky got up and followed her. “Are you going to bed honey?” he called after her. Kerry nodded but kept walking. “Show me where I can find a blanket, I’ll stay the night.” Kerry pointed at a door, again not speaking, then entered her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Hesitantly Nicky opened the door Kerry had pointed to. It was a spare room, a little cramped due to some packing boxes but the bed was made up. He could hear her in the room next to his, running water. It wasn’t a shower or a bath so he presumed she was getting washed. He then heard her settling in the bed, followed by a click from a switch. Nicky was unsettled so decided to rest on top of the bed for a while until he was reasonably certain that she was asleep. Finally, thinking that she was ok, he undressed and got into the bed, with its crisp fresh linen. Within five minutes he was rushing to Kerry’s room, her piercing yell frightening him. “Hush baby, I’m here,” he whispered cradling her shaking body to him to comfort her. “It was a bad dream, it’s over now.” Kerry’s breaths got hitched in her throat, her eyes red raw and swollen from all the sobbing she had done. The terrifying convulsions coursing through her body, not dissipating in the least. “I’m going to get you a doctor.” The doctor prescribed her some tranquillisers and sleeping pills, after giving her an injection of lorazepam. “I’ll write a letter for her GP, you must take her there on Monday. Without intervention she may well have a complete breakdown requiring hospital attention.” Nicky’s mind recalled the terrible way that Richey had been in hospitals; he didn’t want that for Kerry if he could avoid it. “I don’t know who her GP is,” Nicky said taking the bottles with the half dozen tranquillisers and two sleeping pills that the doctor had given him. “She’ll have it written down somewhere though.” “These pills are enough till Monday. I’ve written the dosage instructions on the bottles for you. In my opinion she’s suffering from a catatonic depressive episode. The medication will help though obviously they will make her drowsy.” “I’ll stay with her. Is there anything else that I can do?” The doctor handed Nicky a card that he had written some numbers on. “You can contact any of these if you have any concerns. If her health deteriorates ring the on call service again or get her to the accident and emergency department at the hospital.” “Thank you. I had bad experiences when a close friend of mine had to go into some hospitals. I don’t want that for her.” “I can understand that but trust me when I say that things are very much improved.” Nicky gave Kerry one of her sleeping pills then stayed with her until she succumbed to sleep. Exhausted he went to his room. He needed rest. He awoke with a start, daylight staring to break through the curtains. He yawned, stretched, then got out of bed, reaching for his trousers. The tablets! He had been sure that he’d put the bottles in his trouser pockets, but they weren’t there. ‘I must have forgotten to do it because I was so tired,’ he thought. He checked his watch: 05:17. Kerry had remained quiet so the pill, in conjunction with the injection, seemed to have worked. Tentatively Nicky took a quick peek at her from a small gap when he opened the door slightly. Everything was nice and quiet. “I hope you feel better after a sleep honey,” he whispered. At eight o’clock Nicky went back to check her; she hadn’t moved. Nervously he padded over to her. Beside her on the bedside table both of the pill bottles the doctor had left, both empty. Also there was a pack of paracetamol, a shop bought sedative, aspirin and an antidepressant. All of them now empty the plastic strips on top of their respective packet near an empty bottle of water. The final thing that he noticed through his streaming eyes, was a piece of paper: “Perhaps now I’ll be happy. Love you, Kerry. X” The end. <<< Janey's stories |