FUTURE HUNTERS
- Year: 1985
- Starring: Robert Patrick, Linda Carol, Ed Crick, Bob Schott, Ursula Marquez, Richard Norton, Bruce Le, Hwang Jang Lee
- Directed by: Cirio H. Santiago
- Running time: 96 minutes
Although this movie says that Bruce Li appears in this film it is actually Bruce Le that shows up halfway through. That is what Keith says. I know nothing about the Bruceploitation films except from the reviews from this site.
You're probably thinking, "Why the hell is he writing reviews for a website about movies he knows nothing about?!!" I'm probably writing this review because:
1. Keith is lazy
2. I'm bored
3. I wanted to tear this steaming-pile-of-crippity-crap movie apart in a barrage of harsh criticism
My dog could vomit up a better film than this. The packaging claims that Future Hunters is an action-packed adventure in the tradition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Whoever wrote that on the back of the box should be taken out and shot in the back of head, execution style.
At the beginning we see Matthew, played by Richard Norton, roaming a desert landscape in a futuristic post-apocalyptic wasteland. He runs into Mad Max who is also roaming the same desert and they team up to take down Tina Turner and her evil shantytown. Okay, I lie. This opening looks so much like the Mad Max films that I was expecting Mel Gibson to show up at any time. Unbeknownst to us Matthew is on a mission to find the Spear of Longinus, a spear that was used to pierce Jesus during his crucifixion. Matthew finds the head of the Spear and is thrown back in time to a new century, a thriving world.
A thriving world? Umm, I beg to differ. Looks like the same crappy desert to me. Instead of a roving band of bloodthirsty marauders we now have a gang of sex hungry bikers trying to rape Robert Patrick's girlfriend played by Linda Carol. Yes, my friends, the T-1000 from Terminator 2. Slade (Robert Patrick) gets his ass kicked by the biker gang and Matthew has to come to the rescue. Okay, now Matthew fought off a bazillion desert marauder guys without getting so much as a scratch but he takes on a few bikers and they mortally wound him. Whatever!
Michelle (Linda Carol) and Slade are given the mission to find the shaft of the spear after Matthew kicks the bucket. But there are also a group of Nazis that want the Spear of Longinus and they are willing to kill to get it...
Blah! Blah! Blah! You know what, this movie was so disappointing that there were times that I just tuned out and went to the happy place. I also went to the kitchen to cook dinner. I do remember seeing Linda Carol's tits though. You can't go wrong with boobies. Look at Spider-Man. It won an academy award for special effects and the most memorable moment was Kirsten Dunst's wet shirt. Future Hunters needed more naked women. And it needed more kung-fu.
Bruce Le shows up in the middle of the film and busts some kung-fu moves and then disappears. For one brief moment I thought this film was going to give us better action with some good ol' kung fu fighting. But it doesn't. The few minutes of Bruce Le's fighting sticks out like a sore thumb. Pardon me, I should probably be saying that the rest of the movie is a sore thumb compared to those few moments when Bruce Le is kicking some butt.
This movie tries to be too many things at once. Is it sci-fi? Is it fantasy? Is it adventure? Is it kung-fu? None of the above. It is just a steaming pile of cow plop.
P.S. - It has midgets. Scary little midgets. Me hide behind pillow so midgets won't get me.
Reviewed by Cody.
