CHALLENGE#32 for the week of 08-26-01

TRIO CHALLENGE: a lemon, a straight razor, trophy
QUOTE 1: "A closed mouth catches no flies." Don Quixote
QUOTE 2: "It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do". -Moliere
QUOTE 3: "Fortune sides with him who dares". -Virgil
WORDS: punctilious, newel, maverick
A figure laid face down, stripped to the waist in the Plaza outside the Colonel's quarters.
A darkly clothed figure, on foot and pursued, darted into the darkness.
Please, just one more kiss!

AUTHORS: Jim, Maril, Neil

By Jim Guy
jimguy46@hotmail.com

Characters: Q, CM , M and mention of H CG
Rating. G
Disclaimers: The characters from the Queen of Swords are copyright to Fireworks Productions and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended or revenue expected from their use. The story plot and other characters are copyright to the author, James Guy.
Trio challenge # 32 response: Lemon, straight razor, trophy

~~~~~

The American ship sat at anchor off the coast of Santa Helena not far from the Spanish supply ship.The residents of Santa Helena were in ecstasy as never before had two ships arrived at the sleepy pueblo before. This called for a fiesta.

Word spread rapidly and absolutely everyone had come to town, even some of the more reclusive dons. Vaqueros, peasants, dons and townspeople mixed together at the hastily prepared bazaar as the sellers spread out their goods. Not only were goods paid for with reales but also by trade. Some of the buyers bartered for goods with fruit such as lemons, oranges, or limes. These were needed by the crews of the ships to help prevent scurvy.

Don Gaspar Hidalgo was in an unusual jovial and festive mood. His grin was as wide as a Cheshire cat's and his faced radiated sheer joy at the arrival of the Spanish ship. A beautiful gold monstrance which would display the consecrated body of Jesus Christ had just arrived would be given to the padre. The unsuspecting padre wandered the bazaar when he was approached by Don Hidalgo and his lovely spouse, Vera.

"Don Hidalgo, you are in an extremely happy mood. You look like the cat that swallowed the canary."

"I am Padre, please accept this poor gift from my family to the church," he turned to one of his men who held the covered monstrance, removed the purple velvet covering and presented the monstrance to the padre.

The padre was shocked and tears gathered in his eyes as he blessed Don Hidalgo and his wife. The previous monstrance had been stolen and not recovered. At least not recovered by the Church. It sat behind the gated secret storeroom in Colonel Montoya's office.

The padre accepted the monstrance with reverence and shaking hands. Carefully raising the monstrance over his head as if he were carrying a trophy, he walked towards the church. An impromptu procession followed him as the bazaar was emptied of buyers, leaving the sellers to scratch their heads and wait for the buyers return.

Senorita Alvarado and her duena, Marta had just arrived at the pueblo to see the padre and the procession. Seeing the monstrance, Tessa turned to Marta.

"I think the Queen will be riding tonight, Marta."

"I am afraid you are correct, but who would steal from God's house?"

"Someone who hopes there is no life after death. Can you see the final judgement of that person standing before the Almighty and explaining why they stole from His house?"

More than two pairs of eyes watched the procession from various locations in the pueblo. One individual wore black pants, black shirt. A red sash and large hoop ear rings in their ears.

~~~~~

It was late evening as the padre knelt before the altar, venerating the newly consecrated monstrance. He heard a noise and started to turn as a blunt object struck his head. He fell, stunned but still concious and was able to see a pair of dark trousers and a red sash approach the altar and then turn and run for the door. The padre looked to see the monstrance gone. He got to his feet. The queen has stolen the monstrance, he thought as he staggered to the door.

"The Queen of Swords has stolen the monstrance!" he yelled as he ran towards the fleeing thief.

The padre caught up to the thief and grabbed the thief's collar, causing the shirt to rip off. The now bare chested thief turned on the padre and slashed at him with a straight razor, cutting the padre's arm. The padre fell, clutching his arm.

"You are not the Queen of Swords!" he yelled at the thief, "You are a man."

At that moment, Montoya, Helm and Grisham appeared at the doorways of their own quarters. Montoya stood on the balcony and watched.

"Get that thief! He yelled as several soldiers entered the square with rifles drawn. The thief charged a soldier, causing the soldier's rifle to rise and discharge. The bullet struck the wooden post next to Montoya and showered the hapless Colonel with wood splinters into his face. The shock knocked Montoya to the ground and his head struck a chair knocking him unconscious for a few moments.

The colonel awoke to find himself on his bed with a cool cloth on his head and a light touch removing the splinters.

"Lay still Colonel there are still three more splinters to come out."

"You, why?"

"Hush, Colonel, let me work. There got the last one," the woman replied as she gently brushed her lips against his and then left. Montoya was speechless.

Montoya heard the yelling of the soldiers and an occasional rife shot and knew the thief was trapped in the pueblo. He rose and went downstairs to the square. As he stepped off the last step, he saw a figure dash into an alleyway. Hugging the wall and keeping in the shadows, Montoya approached the alleyway, sword in hand. Suddenly he felt a sharp object at his neck, a straight razor.

"Drop the sword, Colonel and you might see the sun rise."

Montoya dropped the sword as the man forced him into the square a little, "Drop your weapons or the Colonel dies."

The soldiers held onto the weapons.

The razor nicked the Colonel's throat drawing blood.

Suddenly the man felt the hoop earring in his right ear lift and pull, causing pain.

"Ouch!" he yelped.

"I think you should reconsider your position, Senor. You have soldiers in front of you and me behind you. You have a razor, they have guns and I have a sword. Furthermore, you have stolen from God."

"Who are you?"

"I am the Queen of Swords and the person who will determine whether or not you continue to have a right ear."

The man considered her words a moment and relaxed the razor. The sword was eased out of the hoop.

Suddenly the thief lunged for Montoya's sword and flicked it up to Montoya's throat, but his back was to the soldiers.

"Now I have a sword. If the soldiers shoot at me, they will surely hit the Colonel or you. I understand they can't hit the broadside of a hacienda. Now lower your sword and let me pass or I will kill him."

The Queen paced the blade on her right shoulder as she casually moved just behind Montoya and pressed something into his back with her left hand. Montoya carefully slid his arm to his back and took the object.

"Who are you?" asked Montoya.

"Why do you want to know?" replied the thief.

"I would like to know who tries to kill me not once, but twice in one evening."

"I am Juan Gomez, formerly second mate on the "Esparanza."

"Formerly?" asked Montoya.

"I killed the first mate and that pero Capitan was going to hang me but I escaped. Now I will have something to barter with," he said still clutching the monstrance.

"You would barter with God's property? Juan Gomez, there is only one thing worse than stealing God's property."

"What is that?"

"Trying to kill the commandante of this pueblo." Montoya shifted to the left and threw the dagger the Queen had passed him at Gomez. The dagger imbedded itself in the thief's chest and he collapsed, dead.

Montoya approached the body and removed the dagger, wiping the blood on the man's clothes. He turned to the Queen and offered it to her hilt first.

"You have managed to save my life three times this night and I am grateful."

"Grateful enough to insure this monstrance is returned to the padre?"

"As a gentleman and a officer in the Spanish Army, I pledge that it will be returned," he bowed.

He smiled at her; "There is one favor I must request."

"No I am not going stop helping the poor," she returned his smile.

"I didn't expect you to. Please, just one more kiss."

The Queen blushed but carefully approached him, "Of course Colonel," she came close and kissed his cheek then turned and raced down the alley.

"Pleasant dreams Luis," she called over her shoulder.

Montoya put his fingertips to his cheek and smiled. "I will, Reina."

Montoya turned to see Captain Grisham pick up the monstrance, "Make sure that this is returned to the padre, Captain or your life will be forfeited."

"Of course, Colonel," replied Grisham.

END

By Maril

Disclaimers: Fireworks owns the copyright and Sony does not own the image.
Rating: G
Feedback/Beta: yes, please
Quote Challenge #32 QUOTE 3: "Fortune sides with him who dares". -Virgil
While working on "The Duellist" I got to wondering about the Queen's disguise. How did they put it together so quickly? I mean, one minute (in "Destiny") she's just thinking about doing something to avenge her father, and the next we see her in town wearing the costume. How did this transition come about so quickly?
From "Destiny" the missing scene before Tessa goes to Santa Helena dressed as the Queen:

~~~~~

"Marta, the vision I saw showed a woman dressed in black, and Papa said in my dream, 'There is my avenging angel. She will see justice is done.' I think I am meant to be that avenger."

"Tessa, this is not Madrid. You could get away with more in a big city. Here, everything you do will be noticed. Be sure this is a step you want to take. Once you set your feet on this path, there will be no turning back."

"Fortune sides with him who dares," Tessa said airily as she drew the black lace mantilla across her eyes and viewed herself in the mirror. "Besides, in my dream, Papa assured me I would never be alone and not to be afraid." She searched Marta's face for some reassurance that her friend was with her in this.

"What are you going to do?" Marta's eyes seemed dark, anxious as she studied Tessa's reflection.

"Follow my destiny." Tessa draped the lace over the mirror and returned to the trunk to rummage through it.

"What are you looking for, Tessa? We have already found the gold."

"I'll need a disguise. Something that will keep my identity a secret. Help me find something to wear. I'm going into town tonight to free Carlos' son from the prison. I couldn't save Carlos. At least I can try to save his son from an unjust punishment." Tessa bent and continued to pull items of clothing from the trunk while Marta watched, a worried frown on her face.

Finally, Marta said, "You saw a woman dressed in black. That is the disguise you must wear. Is there anything black in the trunk?"

Tessa straightened and shook her head. "No, nothing that I could wear as a costume. Wait!" she exclaimed. In a flash she was gone from the hidden room and Marta could hear her pounding up the stairs to the main floor. Tessa returned with an armful of black clothes. "Look, Marta. I have my black silk blouse and the men's trousers I wore to my fencing lessons." Quickly, Tessa took off her nightgown and put on the garments. She smiled at her reflection in the mirror. "What do you think, Marta? All I need now is a mask." She pulled the lace mantilla off the mirror and held it before her face.

Marta eyed the costume sceptically. "It looks a little ...um...dull." Marta lifted a red silk scarf from the trunk and tied it around Tessa's waist. She cocked her head and smiled approvingly. "Much better. Now all you need is your black corset to put under your clothes."

"Corset? I never wore a corset to my fencing lessons, Marta. I won't wear one with this costume. It's too restricting," Tessa said adamantly.

"I have an idea. I will be right back." Marta hurried from the room. In a few minutes, she was back with a black corset in her hands. "Turn around." Tessa obeyed and felt the corset being fastened around her abdomen.

"I'm not wearing this thing over my clothes, Marta!" she said indignantly as she tried to stop Marta from continuing to lace the tight garment. "It will look scandalous!"

Marta chuckled and pulled harder on the lacings. "What you are planning to do is not scandalous? Besides, the whalebone in this thing might offer some protection from swords and daggers. In your fencing lessons, you wore a leather plastron and the blades were blunted. The soldiers have real blades." Satisfied, Marta turned Tessa to face her. "You need something to cover your face, something more substantial than black lace. A mask like a bandit would wear."

"No, Marta. I'm not a bandit. I want to use this." She held up the black mantilla.

Marta pursed her lips, her expression grim. "That will not fool anyone, Tessa. You can see right through it." Marta took the lace and examined it for several seconds. "Still," she mused, "it might just do the trick." She gave Tessa a secretive smile and left the room. When she returned, she had a pair of scissors, a needle and black thread with her.

Quickly, Marta fashioned a mask from the lace. Then she murmured some Rom words over it as she pulled it across Tessa's face and tied it behind her head.

Tessa felt strange suddenly. Her scalp prickled and she experienced a surge of energy that made her nearly breathless. She felt ...strong, invincible. An awed expression lit up her eyes as she glanced at Marta.

"What did you say over this mask, Marta? It seems to have some power in it."

"I cast a spell on it. While you wear this mask, no one will know who you are. Even your voice sounds different. It is the best I could do to protect you. The rest is up to you." The dark Gypsy eyes regarded Tessa with love and with distress. She would never interfere with Tessa's destiny, her fate, but she could try to tip the odds in her favour a bit. Surely, that was not interference.

She observed Tessa walk over to a table and pick up a sword. The long blade gleamed in the candlelight and flashed as Tessa swung it with confidence.

"This is the sword my father planned to give to the son he never had. I will be his avenger and take up his sword." A black-clad stranger faced Marta, a roguish smile on her lips and a determined look in her eyes. "I will see that justice is done."

END

by Neil Burns
Neiltkd@aol.com

DISCLAIMER-Fireworks etc., etc., etc.
SUMMARY-Our little Queenie gets some purrfectly catty help.
COMMENTS-A QOS/SAMURAI PIZZA CATS crossover (my muse is on an ANIME kick lately). SPC is one of the funniest animes ever seen. This story will be told in its style-i.e. the characters interacting with the narrator. Look for challenge items.

"SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!
WHO DO YOU CALL WHEN
YOU WANT SOME PEPPERONI?
SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!
THEY'RE STAMPING OUT CRIME
AND THAT AIN'T NO BALONEY!"-excerpt of SPC theme

NARRATOR: Santa Helena, California. Your typical dustbowl town in the early 1800s. The people are decent and hardworking.

PEON: Except the Dons. They sit on their butts doing zilch.

DON: Well, that's your station in life.

(The Don and Peon get into a shoving match which degenrates into a brawl)

NARRATOR: Moving right along. It's another hot sticky day in SH. In fact, it's so hot-

ALL: HOW HOT IS IT?!

NARRATOR: It's hotter than a whore in Monterrey. Ah, and the man behind this charming little "establishment" is one Colonel Luis Ramirez Montoya. The Military Governor.

MONTOYA: (beaming) Bienvenidos, mi amigos. Welcome to our happy little pueblo.

NARRATOR: Ah yes. A man overflowing with the milk of human knidness. A fatherly figure of warmth and compassion.

PEON: Right. And Ferdinand VII is Protestant.

NARRATOR: So, Luis--

MONTOYA: Colonel, please, Senor Narrator.

NARRATOR: What-ever.(singsong) How goes capturing Queenie?

Montoya frowns slightly as he sips his wine contemplatively.

MONTOYA: Alas, that diabla still remains a blight on this fair land. No matter what I do, she has Diablo's own luck.

NARRATOR: What about your lackey?

MONTOYA: (disgusted snort) Grisham? Anyone can make a mistake, but that idiot seems to revel in his error.

MARIL: Wrong challenge, Lou.

NARRATOR: Speaking of our little maiden in black and the rather unstellar Captain Grisham--

(The scene switches to desert where The Queen is surrounded and fighting off Montoya's soldiers as best as she can while Grisham steals a sip or two from his canteen.)

NARRATOR: This is rather old, guys.

QUEEN: The author likes this particular scenario.

GRISHAM: Yeah. We're waiting to find out what happens this time.

QUEEN: I was rescued by two adorable mice.

GRISHAM: Right. Being soaked and electrocuted. That was real precious.

QUEEN: Then there was La Marinera del Luna.

GRISHAM: "In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!"

NARRATOR: Poor Luis. He's running a nuthouse.

GRISHAM: Hell, yeah. Nobody else will touch this place with a 10-foot pole.

(Suddenly three figures come hurtling from the sky screaming. Two collide with Grisham. One knocks over the Queen. That one raises his head and sees that his head is near her groin. They are the Samurai Pizza Cats. Masters (and Mistress) of Samurai stuff and they make great pizza too.)

GUIDO: Where the hell are we? This don't look like Little Edo.

POLLY: Yeah. It's too damn hot.

SOLDIER: Gatos. And they talk!

SOLDIER 2: Increbile!

SPEEDY: (the one with the upclose view of Queenie's crotch) Beg your pardon, Miss. (gets up and helps her up.) You know where we are?

QUEEN: Califorina, gatinos. Roughly 10 miles outside Santa Helena.

CATS: CALIFORNIA?!!

GUIDO: Damn! Francine's sense of direction REALLY needs work.

SPEEDY: She's a girl. Girls don't know jack about such things.

POLLY: (unsheathing claws) I beg your pardon?

GRISHAM: Scuze me. Where are you from?

SPEEDY: Little Edo. In Japan.

QUEEN: (scratching his nose) You are about several thousand miles off course.

(Suddenly, Grisham drops the cantina and charges the Pizza Cats only to be ferociously scratched by Polly's claws.)

NARRATOR: OOoooohh. That's gotta hurt.

GRISHAM: What the hell did you do that for?

SPEEDY: You stepped on her tail. Not good.

POLLY: Right. We're stronger than old cheese. Stronger than dirt.

GUIDO: Step on our tails and you're gonna get hurt.

SPEEDY: We're the Samurai Pizza Cats. I'm Speedy Service. (ser-VEE-chee)

GUIDO: I'm your love god. I'm Guido Anchiove.

POLLY: I'm pretty but deadly. I'm Polly Ester.

NARRATOR: With that inspiring speech, the obviously impressed soliders and Captain Grisham show respect the only way they know how.

(Grisham and the soldiers fall to the ground laughing their asses off. The Cats are not too amused, but our Queen also chuckles and is thankful for being rescued by yet another cheap-but-effective DEUS EX MACHINA plot twist.)

QUEEN: Come, gatinos. Let us get you out of that hot armor.

GUIDO: Thanks. I'm sweating my tail off.

POLLY: Yeah. I now know how a pizza feels being overcooked. (stares at SPEEDY)

SPEEDY: HEY! I don't overcook the pizza. Blame Loverboy here.

QUEEN: Could we continue this argument later? I am, as you so charmingly put it, 'sweating my tail off' and would like a bath.

GUIDO AND SPEEDY: (their eyes heart-shaped) CAN WE WATCH?!!

POLLY: (sighing) See what I have to put up with?

NARRATOR: Our heroic quartet takes the opportunity to steal away to find a nice place to take a bath and cool off. Where do we know such a place I wonder?

TESSA: My place. DUH!

NARRATOR: DUH! I'm being facetious!

(As Tessa and the Narrator continue to argue, Grisham and the soldiers recover from their laughing fit and see that the Queen and the Cats are gone.)

SOLDIER1: Captian Grisham! They're gone!

(NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! I JUST SAID THAT!)

SOLIDER2: The writer is talking back!

GRISHAM: Forget him! Find the Queen and those furballs. They can't be that hard to miss. (Groaning) Oh, is Luis gonna love THIS one!

NARRATOR: After a fruitless three more hours sweating their asses off only to find nothing, our studmuffin Grisham and his not-so-studly soldiers ride back to Santa Helena to report to Colonel Montoya, who listens in his usual understanding and compassionate manner.

MONTOYA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (holds his temples)

GRISHAM: Is something wrong, Colonel?

MONTOYA: (trying to hold his temple) If they had trophies for absolute idiocy, you would, how you say, 'clean house'. PIZZA CATS?!

GRISHAM: But, sir. I---

MONTOYA: SHUT UP! I would rather slit my wrist with a straight razor than listen to these abomidable excuses. Find the Queen!

(Grisham salutes and leaves hurriedly to find "solace" in the arms of his hot jalepeno of a mistress one Vera Alexia Hildago.)

VERA: Oooooh, senor. You are too kind.

(My pleasure, cutie. Meanwhile, The Queen of Swords, now the equally delectable Maria Teresa Alvarado, is relaxing at her hacienda in a hot soothing bubblebath. Speedy is playing in the tub purring contentedly.)

NARRATOR: Hey, wait a minute. I thought cats hated water.

SPEEDY: Well, I don't. Besides, I have a bonus clause in my contract which kicks in if I take a bath. So pass the rubber duckie.

NARRATOR: (singing) Rubber duckie, you're the one. You make taking a bath so much fun. Rubber duckie--

POLLY: HELLOOOOOO! Can we get back to the story?

NARRATOR: Sorry. Sesame Street flashback for a moment there.

GUIDO: So, tell me, Queenie--

TESSA: Tessa, por favor. Nobody is supposed to know I am the Queen.

SPEEDY: Ya got a boyfriend?

MARTA: Dr. Robert Helm. They are to be married.

POLLY: Mozeltov! That is so wonderful.

GUIDO: What about you, Marta? You got a special someone?

SPEEDY: Yeah. You gonna get hitched?

MARTA: (smiles) I do, but he has his own life now. Besides, I am too old.

POLLY: C'mon. You're what-32? 33? That's nothing.

NARRATOR: Honey. This is 1818. According to the period, she's a washed-up old hag.

TESSA: Now, now. Be nice, Senor Narrator. Someone already spoke bad of Marta.

HELM: Yes. Poor bastard got bloody crucified for about a month.

(And did that SUCK! Being temporarily booted off a fanfiction site changes your attitude REAL quick.)

NARRATOR: RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! The next day, our feline friends are cleaned up and given clothes especially made by that saintly Rom Rennissance beauty Marta. They decide to go into town. Needless to say, seeing three-foot cats walking upright and wearing clothes ain't exactly inconspicuous, folks.

VERA: Tessa! Where did you get such adorable pets? They are PRICELESS!

SPEEDY: (mock German accent) Ach! Schweinhund! I, Dr. Kat Atonic, izz nobody's pet!

POLLY: (mock pidgin) Excuse please. I honored to know acquaintance. I Kitty Chow from land of Purina.

GUIDO: Hello, old girl. I am Lord Whiska de Treats of Grimalkin Estates. Glad to know you.

TESSA: They came by to visit and I am showing them around.

VERA: How priceless. I am sure Colonel Montoya would love to meet them.

POLLY: Who Colonel Montoya?

TESSA: Santa Helena's Military Governor. A charming gentleman and a true father figure for this pueblo.

NARRATOR: Ah. Tessie's got the art of bullshitting down to a science.

TESSA: Gracias. But Montoya's the true Master. Yes. I am sure the Colonel will love to have you at one of his parties.

GUIDO: Excellent. I love parties.

(As the dialogue continues, Colone Montoya happens by and sees the strange visitors. He decides to introduce himself and maybe invite them to his usual boring parties.)

MONTOYA: I thought the author was supposed to be neutral, Senor.

(I am. I am stating objectively that your gatherings are Snoreville, just like I objectively feel that you are a ruthless bastard with little if any redeeming value.)

NARRATOR: I second that. The sooner Queenie drives you out, the better.

MONTOYA: Not gonna happen. (to Cats) Welcome friends.

(The Cats states their fake names and give their fake bios. And, sure enough, they are invited to Montoya's party where they are the highlight. If nothing else, because talking cats are hard to come by. The next morning.)

TESSA: Wait a minute. You glossed over the party.

NARRATOR: The story's getting long as is, sweetpea. We gotta get to the big scene where the Cats and you do your big number.

TESSA: I see.

NARRATOR: Yeah. Our cheapass producer's bitching that we are running overbudget and to wrap it up ASAP.

SPEEDY: Besides. we got a SAILOR MOON story to crash tommorrow.

(It is the next day and Colonel Montoya is preparing for another (attempted) execution. The executee is a peon who mouthed off to the soliders collecting taxes.)

NARRATOR: This is SOOOO TIRRRED (singsong). Always executing the peons. Why not execute a Don or Dona? Have some variety.

MONTOYA: Because the Dons can pay their way out, plus they have friends in the Spanish Court. Grisham. At your leisure.

GRISHAM: Yes, sir. (turns to firing squad) Soldiers! Ready!

(Suddenly, a dagger sinks into a soldiers back. As the others and Grisham look up, our bodacious beauty in black leaps off the roof and lands sitting on another soldier's shoulders, snapping his neck.)

QUEEN: Another execution you did not invite me to? I am insulted, Luis.

MONTOYA: You perra! How dare you!

QUEEN: Well, fortune sides with him who dares.

VIRGIL: That's "HIM" who dares. Never said anything about a woman daring.

(Suddenly, psuedo-Oriental music with a rock beat is heard and people look up and see three open umbrellas facing the crowd.)

CATS: WE'RE STRONGER THAN OLD CHEESE! WE'RE STRONGER THAN DIRT! IF YOU STEP ON OUR TAIL, YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT!

GUIDO: You want justice with a slice of pepperoni, I'm your man. I'm Guido Anchiove!

POLLY: I send my love to all my adoring fans. I'm the lovely and lethal Polly Ester!

SPEEDY: I'm the leader of the bunch. I'm a heckuva fighter who makes a heckuva lunch. I'm Speedy Service! We are--

(All three Cats lose the umbrella and jump to the ground in front of a smiling Queen of Swords in their trademark poses to the amusement of the crowd.)

CATS: THE SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!!

QUEEN: (in the spirit) I challenge oppression and fight for the people and I will have pepperoni and anchioves to go. I am THE QUEEN OF SWORDS!!

MONTOYA: (beseeching Heaven) Why?! WHY?! What did I do to be tormented like this?! Can I not have a normal pueblo like other Military Governors?!

NARRATOR: No. You're the greediest most corrupt bastard besides Grisham and you deserve everything you get.

(Amen, brother.)

MONTOYA: Who asked you, Author?

(The Pizza Cats and the Queen of Swords are embarrasing the soldiers with their swords and martial arts skills. The Queen is able to free the peon who takes off unnoticed. Grisham, useless as ever, just stands there mouth open.)

GUIDO: Close your mouth, bud! You're attracting flies.

QUEEN: Exactly. A closed mouth catches no flies.

POLLY: Who's that?

QUEEN: Cervantes.

SPEEDY: It ain't his mouth catching flies. It's his aftershave. ODOR OF HORSEDUNG.

NARRATOR: After a while of taking a can of whoopass, the soldiers cry "No mas!" and beat a retreat. Montoya sits there in disgust as Queenie and our furry little felines waltz out with no objections. I think Montoya might want to keep this quiet.

MONTOYA: Really. What was your first clue?

NARRATOR: Boy! Mice that fire water and electricity. Puppets that come to life. Sailor Moon. A Master Thief. Now talking cats that beat the shit out of your soldiers.

MONTOYA: Please do not remind me!

NARRATOR: Oh, taxi! Bellevue and step on it!

(A somewhat bemused and disgraced Grisham (surprise! surprise!) walks up to Montoya trying not to set him off.

GRISHAM: Well---That was certainly a lemon.

NARRATOR: Well, like the saying goes. "Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

HELM: And Marta makes the best lemonade bar none.

(The next day, the Pizza Cats and Tessa say farewell, but not before Speedy gives Marta the recipe for his DOUBLE MUSHROOM DELUXE.)

SPEEDY: Garunteed Tessa will eat it up.

MARTA: Gracias, carino gatino. Vaya con Dios.

SPEEDY: And Vay with Doo Doos to you too.

NARRATOR: With that, our heros part ways. Queenie fighting injustice and being a pain in the ass to Montoya and the cats back to Little Edo to fight injustice and be a pain in the ass to Big Cheese and company.

GUIDO: Right. Al Dente must be wondering where we are.

THE END