CANCELLATION? NOT!

(cue funereal music and solemn voice)

"It was a bad day at Black Rock. In this case, Black Rock was the QUEEN OF SWORDS fandom. Even though the show was wildly popular, FIREWORKS ENTERTAINMENT decided not to renew it for a second season. Despite countless e-mails, letters and faxes. The show remained canceled. Or did it?"

Steven Longnose breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God that stupid show is over! I mean, does anyone want to see a female Zorro ripoff? He hated Spain. The food was awful. The concept was completely retarded. Fortunately, the cast didn't seem to be too disappointed. Valentine Pelka and Peter Wingfield were shooting another HIGHLANDER film. Paulina Galvez began filming a black comedy with Rossy de Palma. Anthony Lemke was starring in GUYS AND DOLLS as Sky Masterson in his native Toronto and Tessie Santiago was finishing up her film degree at Miami and working on an independent film. The other cast members also went back to various theater and film projects. Longnose checked his schedule. Good. I should make lunch and my golf game with no problem. As he left, he was unaware of a black-clad figure watching him.

"So the show is canceled," a soft husky alto voice purred. "Not if I have something to say about it."

Eric Johnson walked to the commissary for lunch. He had been working at FIREWORKS for a number of months and had actually grown attached to the show. Hearing "Nature's Call", he entered the MEN'S ROOM to relieve himself. As he went to the sink to wash his hands something caught his eye.

"Mr. Longnose!" Johnson called on his walkie-talkie. "Could you please come down here for a moment?"

"What is it?" Longnose had gotten back from golf and wasn't particularly in a good mood, having lost a bit of money.

"Something you should see."

Five minutes later, Longnose was in the lavatory and looking at what startled Johnson.

A note had been written in soap on the mirror. It read RENEW THE SHOW OR ELSE! A tarot card was on the sink. Longnose looked at it. The Queen of Swords!

"Oh, give me a break!" Longnose crumpled the card and threw it away. "This is what you bothered me for?"

"Well, what does it mean?" Johnson replied.

"It means somebody has a warped sense of humor. Fuggedabodit."

"If you say so," Johnson stated entering the commissary although something told him this was not a joke.

It was a long day for Longnose. Every department in the complex on every floor called about the same thing: a mysterious person leaving a note saying RENEW THE SHOW OR ELSE! And a tarot card with a picture of the Queen of Swords was left next to each note. This is stupid! Santiago is being a baby!

"Julie?" Longnose called the secretary Julie Bottomout

"Yes, Mr. Longnose?" Ms. Bottomout replied.

"Did you see Ms. Santiago around?"

"No, sir. Last time I talked to her she was studying for her film degree."

"Did she seem upset about the QUEEN OF SWORDS being canceled?"

"She was a bit sad, but she says she's over it."

"OK. Thank you."

So the prime suspect was happily studying at Miami and most of the other former cast members had projects of their own. Perhaps one of the employees? A lot of them liked the show so it was possible one of them could have done this as a stunt. Each employee was given a fingerprint and polygraph test yet the notes still appeared. Perhaps a fan? It was possible. The studio was swamped by truckloads of mail and faxes, the telephones burning with calls, all computers cluttered with e-mails. All begging the studio not to cancel the show. One of them could be doing it as a publicity stunt or as a protest. Longnose was scheduling his tennis match when the telephone rang.

"Hello?" Longnose replied.

"Senor Longnose?" the voice on the other end was a woman's. It was a soft husky alto with a somewhat thick Spanish accent.

"Jamese Finnemore Longnose IV. Head of FIREWORKS ENTERTAINMENT. How can I help you?"

"You are making a mistake canceling THE QUEEN OF SWORDS. It is a fine program."

"C'mon, lady. It's codswallop. A show about dogs farting is better than this shit."

"It is a quality program. The Queen is a role model for young girls. People can watch it with their families."

"They can do so with RELIC HUNTER. It's family-quality programming. Besides, people are into the Lara Croft-TOMB RAIDER thing. They don't give a damn about some Zorro wannabe."

"Senor Longnose," the woman sighed sadly. "Please reconsider your decision before something happens that you might regret."

"Look, duckie. The show is crap! It's history and that is final. So piss off and don't bother me!"

Longnose slammed down the telephone and penciled in a time for his tennis match. The woman looked at the telephone receiver and sighed sadly. So. A more forceful approach is needed. So be it. A black-gloved hand put the receiver back on the telephone and the woman left the telephone booth in the hallway.

The FIREWORKS bigwigs were in the main conference room discussing the fiscal year that had passed and how even though THE QUEEN OF SWORDS was canceled, the studio was in the black for the foreseeable future. The next order of business was ideas to keep RELIC HUNTER on the air. Somebody suggested Sydney Fox and friends meet the Horsemen while looking for an ancient Minonian urn. Suddenly, a chocolate-brown stallion burst through the door to everyone's surprise. Even more surprising was the black-clad woman riding it, standing on the animal's back with one hand holding her sword and one hand holding the reins. The woman flipped in the air and landed on the table right in front of Longnose, her sword pointed right at his long nose. (sorry. couldn't resist-author)

"Senor Longnose!" the lace-masked woman announced. "I have a-how you say-'bone to pick with you'."

"Y're a little early for Halloween, sweetpea," Longnose replied wondering who this crazy broad was. "What the hell are you supposed to be?"

"You know damn well who I am! My show was on the air for over a year! It was enormously popular yet, because of one estupido 1/10 rating point, you are dumping it in favor of a second-rate Indiana Jones ripoff."

"You are the Queen of Swords? Oh, that's priceless."

"Were you expecting Christopher Columbus or Ferdinand and Isabella?"

"Go home and rest, Santiago. The sun baked your brain."

Suddenly, the Queen tackled Longnose, forcing him to the ground. She then lifted him up and forced him to the window. Breaking the glass, she shoved Longnose's head through giving him a GOOOOOOD look at the city below.

"If I was joking, would I do this?!" the Queen growled.

"What the hell are you doing, you crazy bitch?!" the other occupants gasped at a loss at what to do. Who was this crazy broad? What did she want?

"I am curious to see if a man can fly without the benefit of wings," she smiled with acid sweetness, forcing him further out the window.

"I'll fall! You're insane!"

"That is a possibility."

"What do you want?!"

"You know very well what I want. The show renewed." The Queen thought for a moment. "I want it aired for four more years. Then you may decide if you wish it to be canceled. But let it develop first."

"You can't come in and make demands!" Longnose weakly protested feeling his pants getting damp.

"You are not in a position to say otherwise. Either renew the show, or these gentlemen look for a new CEO."

"All right! The show is renewed! Now pull me back in!"

The Queen pulled Longnose back in much to the relief of the board and one James Longnose who, despite his favorite pants being wet from urinating himself, was fine.

Two weeks later, ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD announced that THE QUEEN OF SWORDS had been given a six-year extension and that the cast's salaries would be doubled. The cast enjoyed doing different projects during the "hiatus", but were glad as hell that the Queen would continue to fight for justice for the foreseeable future.

LONG LIVE THE QUEEN OF SWORDS!

THE END