PATTERNS

By JoLayne
EnyaJo@aol.com

Cecilia sent me two songs with fantastic lyrics that made choosing between them extremely difficult, so I took the easy way out and used a couple of lines from both. Thanks Cecilia! They got the muses going. The songs are at the end of this story. I'm making up history here, and probably doesn't fit with anything. Since Tessa's mother is one big ol' mystery, I've decided to at least give her a name. <g>

Paul Simon, Patty Smyth and Glen Burtnik, and their respective record companies own the lyrics, and even though Fireworks didn't give Tessa a mother, they set up the premise.

~~~~~

BARCELONA 1794

The door squeaked opened in the darkened room and Teresa walked in. As soon as she heard the sound, Pilar held her bed covers tight up under her chin. Her mother sat alongside of her and concerned, touched her forehead. "Are you feeling better, querida?"

"Yes, mamá. It has just been a long day, with many surprises," Pilar said, good-naturedly, so her mother wouldn't know that she was still reeling.

Theresa's eyes sparkled as she said, "Your path has been forged today, my darling."

Pilar knew that she should be grateful for her parents arranging such a lucrative deal, and choosing the heir of a family who was actually quite charming and handsome for her to marry... but it had all happened so suddenly, and Pilar's heart belonged to another. Her mother continued as she tucked her daughter in, "You are going to have such a marvelous future. I know you will be as happy with Pedro as I have been with your papá."

"Yes, mamá," Pilar said, not wanting to start to cry or make any gesture that would concern her mother, which would make her stay in her room longer. Pilar loved her mother and father, and had never done anything to make them frown, until now. Theresa leaned down and kissed Pilar on the cheek, which Pilar gratefully accepted, and said, "Sleep well, querida. Tomorrow, we shop for your wedding lace."

As Theresa left the room, closing the door behind her, Pilar almost cried aloud, knowing that there was a possibility that she would never see her mother again. There wasn't any way her parents would forgive her for what she was about to do. Am I making the right choice? Should I follow my heart or my head?

Her eyes locked on the flowers of the wallpaper. My eyes can dimly see the pattern of my life and the puzzle that is me, she said to herself as she waited for him to come. She wondered where this defiant strength had come from. The wallpaper flowers, both buds and blooms, were in a haphazard fashion. In the dimness of that night, she couldn't make out their colors, but knew that they were yellow, red and blue. The wallpaper had been hanging there since she was a child of five. She was now seventeen and her own woman, but her parents wouldn't accept it. Pilar studied the flowers, with shivering shadows cast upon it, to see if by chance she would see her fortune.

When she lifted the blankets and got out of bed, Pilar was fully clothed. She straightened her traveling dress and put on her gloves that were in the box on her bureau, then pinned on her hat. Pilar walked to the window to see if she could catch a glimpse of her gallant knight who was to come and take her away. That beautiful, hardy, romantic man who so thoroughly changed her life, from the first time she laid eyes on him, not even two months ago. She saw the haphazard arrangement of the leaves on the brown lawn. From the moment of my birth to the instant of my death, there are patterns I must follow. Just as I must breathe each breath.

Pilar was certain about her future, but knew that the act of climbing out that window would break her mother's heart and fan her father's hatred of her lover's family. Like a rat in a maze, the path before me lies and the pattern never alters until the rat dies. She needed to live! She needed to be with the one who makes her breathe easier, who had given her his seed and would forge a new life with her. "Raphael." Just uttering his name brought a smile to her face, even though her eyes were straining for the sight of him down the lane. Her mind was telling her that it was all too fast. There were too many complications. She knew that. But, she murmured, "Raphael Alvarado... Pilar Alvarado..."

Pilar giggled and rubbed her stomach; she felt warm knowing that her child was growing inside of her. Her mother had always told her, 'There's a danger in loving somebody too much.' Pilar hadn't had a clue what she had meant, until that very moment in her life, as she waited for her life to irrevocably change, and to betray her parents' truth and hope they had in her. Pilar was certain that Raphael and she had made the right decision, that their love would carry them through the obstacles that consisted of feuding families and a hastily arranged marriage that Pilar had no intention of fulfill.

Pilar had confided in her mother soon after meeting Raphael that she was in love and wanted to share her life with him. Her mother hadn't dismissed her straight off, so Pilar kept her hope alive. When Pilar had been brought into her father's study that morning, she had thought that her mother had told him about Raphael--and how serious their love and intentions were--and hopefully assumed that the act of being called to her father's sanctuary was to discuss the possibilities of a truce being called for the sake of young love. She had rushed into the study and happily cried out, "Papa, thank you!" For him to give her feelings this much respect made her love her father more than she ever knew she could.

But, her father was standing with a young man, Pedro Ramirez. He had slightly bowed to Pilar when she arrived, and he kissed her hand when it was offered. Pilar almost laughed out loud: Pedro and Pilar had grown up together, climbed trees, played kickball, fenced; to see him as suitor didn't seem right, especially when she was secretly carrying another man's child. Pilar was confused when she realized that this wasn't a game, or ruse. They actually intended for her to marry Pedro! Pilar glared at her mother in surprise, and feigned illness, which was not entirely a lie. Pilar cut the meeting with Pedro short, to say that she would like to lie down. After taking her leave, she snuck outside and mounted her horse and rode to Raphael to tell him the terrible turn her life had just taken.

~~~

Pilar lived on a plantation that produced the most popular coffee in all of Spain while the Alvarados were the major producers of wine. Pilar thought that she and Raphael should have been a match made in heaven, if not for the vile relationship of their fathers. Pilar didn't really understand what had happened that made their two families enemies since before she was born, but didn't think it was fair that what happened in the past could so completely affect her future. It wasn't her fault that the moment she laid eyes on the most handsome man that she had ever seen across the square, and he gazed at her in return, that she would fall immediately in love. His thick black hair kept falling on his forehead, and he would constantly push it back, only to have his fall forward again. His smile was quick and warm. His shoulders were wide, as if he performed manual labor, but his clothes were fashionable, and expensive. He walked to her, taking her by surprise, as he appeared at least ten years older than she. She could feel herself blush and want to run away from the trembles that erupted in her stomach, which grew stronger with every step toward her that he took. But she was rooted to where she stood. He bowed his head to her and said, "My name is Raphael."

She was surprised that she croaked out, "Pilar."

There romance started that day, as they started talking as he offered to escort her home, and relieved her of her school books. When he had put his hands on her waist to help her into the carriage, Pilar had thought that it was an awfully forward move, but she liked it. He had asked her where she lived and she told him, "In the country, down Avila lane."

"Ah," he said as he smiled. "Camino Fortuna."

She laughed as that was the name given to her street by those less fortunate. He stared at her as he directed the horses to move forward. "You would not mind a little detour, would you?"

She shyly shook her head, and couldn't take her eyes off of him. As he held the reins, his arms forward, elbows perched on his knees, she suddenly imagined herself in his embrace, with those long, strong arms around her. They ended up at a park and walked around a pond, steering clear of the ducks. Raphael laid his coat down on the grass for her to sit on and they continued their light and easy conversation, finding that even though there was a ten year age difference, they a lot of things in common. The only thing that took Raphael by surprise in their conversation was when she mentioned that she knew how to fence. "What does your father think of that?"

"He was the one who found an esgrimidor for me."

"Your father sounds like an interesting man. My father would never allow my sister to indulge in such an activity."

That was the only talk of their families. It wasn't until the sun had started to fall in the sky that Raphael said that he should take her home. Before helping her once again into his carriage, he brushed her cheek with his hand and kissed her. It was Pilar's first kiss, and it had turned out to be everything that she had hoped it to be. She was finally in his arms, that only hours before had first fancied being. If not for the furious tremble in her stomach and weak head and knees, she would have completely melted. His slight facial hair rubbed against her face, but was soft. He broke off the kiss to say, "I am sorry for being so forward."

Pilar kissed him again, wrapping her arms around his neck, standing on her tiptoes. Then, mimicking what Pilar had seen a woman do while kissing her beau, Pilar lifted her leg behind her, pointing her toes, and bent her body against his. She was safe in Raphael's arms and didn't want the moment to pass. She felt as if there were only two people in existence, and that the world had actually stopped for them. Raphael ended the kiss with a chuckle and said, "I must bring you home, now."

In the carriage, they had made plans for Raphael to call on her and properly meet her family. She said, "This is my drive. Please come in with me."

The carriage suddenly stopped and Raphael seemed to forget how to speak. The words he said turned her blood cold. "You are a Elizondro!" Pilar had never thought she would hear her last name said in such a bestial tone. The Elizondros were a popular, prosperous family, a kind and giving family... how could he have such a reaction? Then she realized why Raphael had been so hostile. He was an Alvarado.

It was months after stepping out of the carriage while still parked on the road and going inside with her school books until Pilar saw Raphael again. He had come to her while she was on lunch recess and told her that he had done nothing but think about her and would see her sweet smile in his dreams. "Our families be damned!" he said, taking her hand. "What happened twenty years ago has no bearing on us. I am sorry I have not seen you, Pilar. Please forgive me." She wondered at that moment if he thought she hadn't given him another thought!

They met in secret, betraying their parents' trust in them. Over time, Pilar had tried to talk with her parents about the Alvarados, but as soon as their name was mentioned, her father's response was quick and firm. "Bastardo!" was the only thing her father would say, abruptly calling off all chance of conversation.

~~~~~

"Maybe I just want to have it all," Pilar said to herself as she continued watching the lane for Raphael. "Will they ever forgive me? Will I ever see them again? Am I being too selfish? I am with child! I am doing the right thing. Pedro would never marry me after he finds out. Will my parents hate me forever?"

Then her heart sang out, she saw a carriage stop at the end of their drive. She could only see Raphael's silhouette as he jumped out, ran through the gate, and into the foliage along the fence. Pilar took one last look at the room she had inhabited since she was born. Her gaze fell on the wedding portrait of her parents. "Yes, I may have hurt you," Pilar said. "But I will not desert you. You will always be in my heart."

She went to the window and agilely climbed down the trellis as she had done so many times, knowing the footholds without even having to look. She saw Raphael meet her at the bottom and almost jumped into his arms. "Careful, querida," he said, holding her with one arm as he tenderly rubbed their child with his other hand.

~~~

The travel was long and hard for Pilar, suffering from illness because of her pregnancy, but insisted that they kept moving to meet their ship in La Coruña. Even though the area was known as Costa da Morte, the Coast of Death, they did not take it as a bad omen. They were married by a padre the evening before they were to set sail for the new world, where Raphael had visions of starting a vineyard in Alta California. The land was cheap, everyone there would know that they were married, and wouldn't know their families intimately. The relatives back in Spain will hear of their daughter being born, and would never know exactly how old she is, that she was conceived before wedlock. No one in California would look down upon them for what they had done to their families, and hopefully after time, their families would accept their union. Distance from their families and unwanted history would be a perfect catalyst to forge their new life, with their new baby, in los estados unidos.

Pilar gave birth on the ship, the Beso de Vida. As soon as the midwife laid Pilar's nina on her chest, Pilar wondered if Raphael would be disappointed, not having the son they had so hoped to have. Raphael stormed in after getting word of the birth and held Pilar and their baby as he laid beside her on the bed. Pilar said, "I am sorry I did not produce a hijo for you. You are happy to have a daughter?"

"Claro que si! She is beautiful. She looks like you, querida."

Pilar was thrilled. Their baby did have her features. She had short, wispy black hair and almond shaped eyes, and her papá's long, strong fingers. "She will be able to do many things with those fingers, Raphael. Embroider, garden, play the piano or harp, fence."

"My daughter will never carry an epee."

"Why not?"

"She will live the life of luxury, as a Doña," Raphael confidently said.

"As I have. It is good exercise and makes you graceful."

"She will dance." Raphael kissed his daughter's forehead and promised, "You will never know hard times, my hija."

"Would you mind if I named her after my mamá, Raphael?"

"Maria Theresa Alvarado," Raphael said, trying it on for size. Tessa looked up at him with her eyes scrunched up and her mouth open. Her legs kicked out, tapping against Raphael's chest. He laughed. "I think she will grow into her name."

PATTERNS
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel
Written by Paul Simon

The night sets softly
With the hush of falling leaves
Casting shivering shadows
On the houses through the trees
And the light from a street lamp
Paints a pattern on my wall
Like the pieces of a puzzle
Or a child's uneven scrawl

Up a narrow flight of stairs
In a narrow little room
As I lie upon my bed
In the early evening gloom
Impaled on my wall
My eyes can dimly see
The pattern of my life
And the puzzle that is me

From the moment of my birth
To the instant of my death
There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies

And the pattern still remains
On the wall where darkness fell
And it's fitting that it should
For in darkness I must dwell
Like the color of my skin
Or the day that I grow old
My life is made of patterns
That can scarcely be controlled

SOMETIMES LOVE JUST AIN'T ENOUGH
Sung by Patti Smyth and Don Henley
Words and Music by Patty Smyth and Glen Burtnik

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just want to have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
when it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
there beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

END