HORSE LAUGH-MST3K STYLE
By Neil Burns

COMMENTS-With apologies to Lady Maril

ZZZZZZZZZZ whuzzat...and just when I was having this great dream about the mare two stalls down.

CROW: Ohhh. Tell us more.
SERVO: She was a fine philly from Philly.
NELSON: All things considered, I'd rather be in Philly-delphia.

Oh crap. She's wearing that black outfit again!

QUEEN: I'm sorry, but my red one is at the cleaners.
SERVO: Why? It makes you look so fat.

That means hours of flat-out running with other horses chasing me and things going bang in my ears. Maybe if I pretend to have a stone in my shoe, she'll take that lazy nag in the next stall. He hardly ever does anything but suck up the oats.

MARTA: Not true! He takes me to town so I can buy groceries!
SERVO: Not to mention, he can play 3-card pinochle in Japanese.

Well, that didn't work. She's hauling out the saddle now.

NELSON: (lisping) It's your favorite. The periwinkle one with flowers and your name on it in mauve.

I'll just puff up my chest so she can't tighten the girth so much this time. That really pinched last time.

QUEEN: Well, excuse me for not wanting to fall on my ass trying to escape.

Maybe I should go on a diet.

QUEEN: That's not a bad idea. Why don't you?

The saddle doesn't fit the way it used to.

SERVO: You also don't run as fast as you used to.

I held my breath as long as I could but she managed to outlast me and now the cinch is really tight. Ouch! And there's this itchy spot just under the blanket that I can't reach.

CROW: You mean--
NELSON: No, Crow! Not down there!

I'm really starting to get pissed off.

CROW: Please, Mommy! Make the itching go away!
SERVO: Crow! This is a family show!
NELSON: Yeah! Behave yourself.

Oh so, she thinks a pat on the nose is going to win me over.

SERVO: Why not? Works for me.
NELSON: Works better if she patted lower.
CROW/SERVO: NELSON!!
NELSON: All right! Sorry!

Well, she's got another think coming.

CROW: (singing) You got another thing coming!
SERVO: DA! DA! RADADADA-DA! DA!
NELSON: Ladies and gentleman! Judas Priest featuring Chico! The Queen of Swords' loyal horse!

But it does feel so nice. No, I'm not going to cooperate this time. This is a lousy job-long hours, hot sweaty work, and crummy food.

CROW: I'm reporting the bitch to the union!
NELSON: Yeah! Just because I'm an animal doesn't mean she can treat me like one!
QUEEN: But you have a mistress who loves and adores you.

This stall isn't anything to write home about either.

HELM: You're a bloody horse! You can't write!
SERVO: Oh, yeah. Well, I can dictate.

Okay, she's trying to make nice, but I'm not having it. A carrot? And an apple?

NELSON: Hey, that's dirty pool!
QUEEN: The ends justify the means.
CROW: As long as your end is riding my means.
ALL: SHUT UP, CROW!!!

Well, just this once because I'm a nice guy.

SERVO: You mean a sucker.

Hey there, mare in stall 2, don't forget we have a date in the paddock later.

MARE: You bring the beer and dip and I'll bring the NUDE TWISTER.

END