MST3K - LET THEM TEND YOUR WOUNDS

By Rach
rachel.trench@tesco.net

This is my first full blown MST3K and was done with full permission of the author. None of the characters belong to me...

> LET THEM TEND YOUR WOUNDS
> by Anthony
> rodlox@hotmail.com

> I ONLY own my ORIGINAL characters...all canon characters belong to the great folks who bring us 4 seasons {or more} of QOS.

> SUMMARY: Robert Helm tries to set his life back in order in the wake of 'Vengeance', and wishes that the Queen would mind her own business.

> ~~~~~~~~

> Robert Helm tossed and turned. He even tried hitting his pillow. Nothing worked. Sleep remained elusive tonight. For that reason, he sat up, his mind still working and not groggy in the slightest.

> Helm wasn't sure what was the reason for this. He'd massaged his legs

CROW: I see the problem---erkup!

MIKE: And you keep the sock until I'm sure you're behaving yourself.

> upon returning to his office - which doubled as his home - working the sores with his fingers...so that couldn't be the reason.

> Something troubling his mind, something from his walk with Montoya after the Queen Of Swords had stranded them in the desert? No, that wasn't entirely accurate, as he'd shooed his off before ambushing her,

SERVO: Of course, if he'd ambushed her things might have been oh so different.

> then riding behind her. That couldn't be it either, as nothing he'd said, nor anything from Montoya then, was of importance enough to keep him from having a restful sleep.

> The Queen's visit, perhaps? That voice of hers had a certain quality that gave new meaning to the phrase 'bedside manner' indeed. If that was how she spoke normally, then

CROW: <spits out sock> I---muphfe

MIKE: I warned you...

> -- Robert squashed that line of thought: he was trying to get to sleep, not fantasize awake.

CROW: <spits out sock> I was right!!!!

MIKE: And?

> Still, she had been grateful to him for returning her sword.

> It was painfully obvious who the Queen was. "So why can't anyone else figure it out?" he wondered to himself. Are they blind? Does their Spanish society blind them to anything behind lace?

> Doctor Robert Helm fell asleep, his shoulders and head hitting the mattress, pondering that riddle.

SERVO: While his torso and legs pondered life, the universe and everything else.

> AGULERA RANCH:

> Divide and multiply, divide and multiply.

CROW: Sounds like high school math class.

MIKE: Awe gee - thanks for the image...

> The inhabitants of this farm were everywhere, yet went unseen all their short lives. Mosquitos came and drank them in

CORDELIA: Ewww - that is just so gross.

> their food all the time. No sickness ever came.

> And then, in one brief generation, a mutation occurred. And the next mosquito to drink from that source could not have known the dangers that it now held.

> And later that night, a child swatted a mosquito dead on her arm.

> TWO DAYS LATER, MIDDAY:

> "Where's doctor Helm?" Tessa asked.

SERVO: <in Tessa's voice> I think I chipped a nail but I need his expert diagnosis.

> "I think I overheard him talking with Don Agulera, agreeing to go out to his ranch to the west. Why so curious, Tessa?" Vera inquired back, leaning forwards,

SERVO: Momentarily forgetting that Tessa really wasn't interested in her cleavage.

CROW: And what...

MIKE: Sock!

> eager to learn why.

> Tessa cocked an eyebrow at Vera's words, then replied, "I think my Martha might be coming down with something, and I'd like him to take a look at her."

> Vera just smiled. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have him taking a look at you? I wouldn't."

> The woman whose double life was that of the Queen Of Swords bit the obvious reply to that. "Many of us want what we can't have, Vera. Sometimes that's the only reason we want it in the first place - because its unattainable."

SERVO: And here ends today's sermon.

> Vera just kept her smile, though a part of her face changed, with the smile's meaning shifting somewhat. "I see. Well, I won't bother you," she said, and walked off.

> Tessa let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. "So, west it is," and headed for the west...once she'd changed, becoming the Queen first.

CROW: They're out in the desert, right?

MIKE: Right.

CROW: So where'd she find the telephone box to change in?

> AGULERA RANCH:

> "Will my Noele live, Doctor?" Sonja Agulera asked him, wringing her hands. "She was not sick long, she gets better, no?"

> Doctor Robert Helm paid no heed to the tiny French undercurrent in the Don's wife's voice. He kept his eyes firmly on the little girl, checking her lymph nodes for swelling, her tonsils, and her gums;

CROW: Are we talking about a girl or a horse?

SERVO: Well looking at her mother...

> nothing abnormal whatsoever. "I'll do my best, senora," he answered. Apart from a fever, he couldn't find anything wrong with her. That didn't mean that he was going to stop, it just meant that his work was that much tougher. A thought occurred to him:

CROW: Wow! Didn't know he could do them.

> "Where was she this past week?"

> "Oh, she was here at the hacienda with me.....sweet thing didn't even want to go play with her friends," in a tone that Helm recognized as a parent who enjoys time spent with their kids.

> "I was just wondering, because she might've picked it up from someone or something she was near." Like your husband's livestock, senora.

> LATER, ON THE TRAIL:

> The doctor, on his way back to his office, heard the thunder of a horse heading his way. Then he saw a figure in black. And then he saw a red speck alongside the black form.

MIKE: Wow - good eyesight.

CROW: Is the red speck following her or something?

> "Oh for cryin' out loud," Helm muttered before the Queen Of Swords got close enough to hear him.

> "What're you doing out here?" Helm asked her when she was close enough to hear.

> A shrug from the Queen. "Can't I just be riding around with nobody to save at the moment?"

CROW: No - it says here, in section seven, paragraph nine, subsection 24 of the Heros' Code of Conduct that...

SERVO: Crow?

CROW: What?

SERVO AND MIKE: SHUT UP!!!

> Helm made a face for an instant. Was she using his brand of sarcasm against him now? "Around me, generally not. Now, what - are - you - doing - here?" he enunciated, his natal British accent thick by the end.

> "I thought you'd like somebody to ride with," came the answer.

> Did the woman come un-insultable by nature, or was this training?

GRISHAM: Well she's been hanging around you a lot, doc - I'd say that was your problem.

> "I'd prefer to ride alone, if you don't mind."

> "Okay." A pause.

> "You're still here," Helm remarked calmly.

THE QUEEN: You really *do* have good eyesight.

> "I just thought that, well, after everything you've been through lately --"

> "That I'd want to talk?" to which the Queen nodded, relieved that he understood her pure motives. "Me, confess to you?" he asked, laughing; his head looked at the sky, then at his horse's mane. It took a few moments for him to stop laughing. "Well thank you for that," he admitted. "Now, go," putting it as politely as he could. "Fine," answered the Queen, and spurred her horse on ahead, leaving him in the dust.

CROW: You know, I don't think I want to piss her off...

> Literally, as Helm sat on a slowed-down horse, coughing at the raised cloud of dust. "The woman's a health risk!" He owed her one for saving his life, true....but that wasn't an excuse to give him the lungs of a glass-blower before he turned forty!

> NEXT DAY, AGULERA HACIENDA:

> Sonja Agulera whispered a "Hello" to little Noele, frowning slightly that her daughter hadn't so much as touched the soup that'd been brought out for her lunch.

SERVO: Then Sonja spotted all the biscuit crumbs and chocolate stains and knew what had ruined her daughter's appetite.

> Noele looked thinner than she had since Sonja'd tucked her in last night, but that was probably just the play of candlelight in an otherwise dark room....Noele'd said that sunlight was hurting her eyes, and Dr. Helm had suggested going along with it, just in case.

> Sonja sat down on the stool beside her child's bed, and soaked a fresh compress in the water bowl so she could replace the one that was on dear sweet Noele's head.

> It was a bit demeaning, true; but Sonja was too worried about her daughter to care about something that nobody could see anyway. And when she removed the compress from Noele's forehead, she could see the veins clearly: they were raised lines above the rest of the skin.

> Lines that hadn't been there yesterday!

SERVO: They had been elsewhere instead.

> "Ma....ma....?" Noele said softly, her voice light.

> "Sshhh," Sonja Agulera whispered, "Don't you worry." She replaced one compress with another, careful not to agitate the veins,

CROW: Agitating veins is very bad practice as everyone knows, but you can upset arteries all you like...

> and sang a short song. Once Noele was asleep, Sonja assured herself, she'd have words with her husband.

> "Tired," Noele said quietly.

> ALVARADO HACIENDA:

> Tessa Alvarado stormed into the house, letting the door slam shut behind her. What servants there were quickly scattered out of her way, not wanting to face the anger of their master.

CROW: Hey! When she have the sex change???

> Even Martha, Tessa's favorite, knew to bide her time.

> Around the outer halls, down to the dining rooms, and drawing room, down to the kitchen, and then back outside again....

> Where Martha was waiting. She could see Tessa's face, and knew it to be calmer than when the young Dona had arrived home earlier. "Tessa?" she asked, inviting the floodgates to open.

> "I was just trying to help," Tessa said, justifying herself to Martha and her kind ear.

SERVO: Although trying to talk to her nasty ear was never a good idea...

> "But no, the Doctor's too high and mighty to even talk about it with the Queen, and she - I - was there!" It was unbelievable, absolutely unbelievable!

> "Perhaps he felt uncomfortable with the Queen for that reason," Martha's calm mind suggested. "I think a woman would have a better luck, my Tessa."

CROW: I knew it! She has had a sex change.

> "You think so?" Tessa asked, coming to a stop, and regarding Martha - who nodded. "Well, it's worth a try."

> TOWN:

> Tessa rode like the wind on a fresh horse, having already tired the other one severely. The town grew closer and closer and closer. Finally she was within it.

> Heading the other way out of town was a cluster of horses. And standing by the fountain at the town center was none other than Colonel Montoya himself, watching the group go; he turned around quickly to greet Tessa.

> "What was all that about?" Tessa asked once pleasantries were out of the way. Judging by the amount of recent hoof tracks, there'd been a lot of moving around and talking from horseback.

> "Don Agulera believes that Doctor Helm caused his daughter to fall deathly ill; 'whether from bewitching or from bad medicine' he says. "He was threatening to have Helm detained on his hacienda pending the arrival of an Inquisitor from Spain." Montoya made a face, likely - Tessa thought - at having his town invaded by some highly powerful official from Spain itself. "And, as I understand, his family is well-connected enough to do just that."

> "Doctor Helm, a witch?" Tessa asked, not bothering to hide her disbelief.

SERVO: Surely he'd be a Warlock?

MIKE: With those looks?!

> "Or something to that effect," Montoya shrugged.

> "I notice you're rather calm about all this, Colonel," Tessa commented offhand.

> "What do you expect me to do?" Montoya wanted to know. "I cannot send Grisham, for risk of him shooting Dr. Helm by accident," his tone revealing what he thought of the Captain and his 'accidents.'

GRISHAM: Colonel, I'm hurt. Anyway - my last 'accident' was on your orders...

MONTOYA: "Excuses excuses."

CROW: Though that would explain the lump on Grisham's head.

> ON THE TRAIL, bare minutes later:

> Tessa rode hard,

CROW: RIIIIIIDEMMMM COWBOY!!!

> but not enough to burn out the poor horse beneath her. There was no time for her to change her clothes. This was one rescue that the Queen Of Swords could not attend.

CROW: You mean she's lost the location of that phone box.

MIKE AND SERVO: What?

CROW: Well...

MIKE AND SERVO: Never mind!!!

> She recognized this landscape beyond merely desert. Right over there was where Mr. Helm had virtually spat on her. On the Queen, she corrected herself.

SERVO: You know, a psychiatrist would have a field day with this woman.

> Only a part of her believed that.

> And here was her destination now: the Agulera hacienda. The Don's guards aimed their rifles at her, but shouldered them when the Don saw that it was only Tessa - the daughter of a fellow Don.

> "Senorita Alvarado, what business is so urgent that you felt compelled to ride all the way over here?" Don Agulera asked.

> Think fast, think think..... "My Martha is ailing,

TESSA: And that's the least believable excuse I've come up with yet.

> and I'd thought to get the doctor to find out what was wrong with her. I went to the town, but they told me that you'd brought him up here."

> "He's not long for this world," the lady of the house replied. "Him and his evil ways will soon be gone from here. Then our daughter will be better."

> "Don Agulera," the doctor said slowly and trying to remain calm, "I hate to be the one to break this to you, but the disease, whatever it is, is a result of your ranch animals'."

> "My daughter is a human being, a child of God...not some livestock."

CROW: Are you sure? Have you taken a good look at her recently???

> Helm's face didn't change. He was resisting the urge to say 'I said the disease, not your daughter.' "In England, we have something called Mad Cow Disease.

HELM: And Sonja Agulera is certainly a mad cow.

> It affects cattle and humans alike. Now I'm not saying that is Mad Cow Disease, but the principle is the same." The Don started to make some comment about heathen Englishmen when Helm burst out

SERVO: Doing his best impersonation of the alien in Ridley Scott's classic film.

> - interrupting the Don - "Look, if you don't want me around your stock, fine. Just stop blaming me when it's you who's keeping me from getting to the bottom of this."

> Tessa, Don Agulera, and Sonja Agulera blinked at the vehemence in his voice. "I'll go keep an eye on Noele," the senora volunteered.

CROW: Doesn't she know you should never volunteer for anything?

> Don Agulera nodded to his wife and said, "Very well: you can check my cattle. But I go with you, so I can be sure that you don't bewitch or infect the whole herd."

> Tessa followed along, hoping that helping out at a time like this was a good idea after all.

> AGULERA PROPERTY, ten minutes later:

> A flock of condors flew overhead, with buzzards on a lower thermal of air....and Helm had finally started talking, his words inspired by the condition of the water troughs and feed bins that sat out.

> "The ancient Greeks lived in an age where filth and refuse was believed to spawn rats and other pests. They were missing a few steps -- like that insects that the rats fed on in the first place -- but they had the right idea." They crested the hill,

SERVO: With a nice heraldic design of two puffing dragon and a lion on skis.

> and Helm swore softly. "And they'd probably see a hydra born here."

> "They were not like this last I saw them," the Don said, his astonished face revealing the truth to his words. The sight before them was horrifying: a few cattle and buzzards lying on the ground, their features skeletal; their eyes were open and glazed.

CORDELIA: And I say again, eww gross.

MIKE: Anyone know how she got here?

> "Doctor?" Tessa asked.

> "Do we burn it all?" Don Agulera asked, unable to take his eyes off of the sight.

> "No," Helm replied. Feeling two pairs of human eyes

SERVO: Not to mention eight pairs of avian eyes, two equine eyes and countless insects and lizards

CROW: Thanks for the image.

> on him, he explained: "We don't know if what caused this is airborne, in which case, we'd be spreading it even further."

> "If it were," Tessa asked, "why are those cows able to be so close?" pointing at the rest of the herd grazing only a few feet away from the dying ones who lay sprawled helpless.

> But the cattle were doing an unusual thing for cattle: they were not swishing their tails at the numerous flies that swooped and buzzed around them. Insects, insects everywhere. Not just the gnats and midges that loved to fly near one's eyes to feed on the tears and salt, but also other things.....like mosquitos.

CORDELIA: And...

ALL: We know!!!

> One such insect landed on Tessa's arm, and pierced the skin so that it could suck her blood. Tessa raised her other hand to slap it -

> And Helm grabbed her wrist.

CROW: Wohoo prelude to...

MIKE: Sock!

> "Doctor, what are you doing?" Alvarado and Agulera said almost at the same time.

> "Look," Helm said, "the cows aren't sick because of what they're not doing: they aren't hitting any insects, no matter how annoying they get. How much would you be willing to bet that everyone who's sick slapped a mosquito like that," turning his eyes to the bug that pulled its mouthpart out of Tessa's arm and flew off.

MIKE: I have to admit, that image is pretty gross.

CORDELIA: See?!

> "What could possibly be transmitted by a dead pest?" the Don wanted to know.

> "I don't know," Helm admitted. "Probably something unable to fly on its own, yet too big to pass through the mouth of a bloodsucker.

> "Then what am I supposed to do? These cattle are too great a risk to sell, this land here cannot be used for I cannot guess how long.....and what about my daughter? What about my Noele?" Helm was silent on that. "Answer me, doctor!" Don Agulera ordered, gripping the Brit by the upper arms and shaking.

HELM: I'd find it easier to answer you if you weren't trying to shake my teeth out!

> Helm carefully extracted himself from the Don's grip. "I honestly don't know. If we're lucky, the effect isn't as fatal in humans, and will run its course." If I'm lucky, Helm thought to himself.

> "Don Agulera," Tessa said, trying to change the conversation back to something at least moderately productive, "If I buy your cattle that graze this pasture, would that satisfy you?" The Don looked now to Tessa, his face showing that he was trying to think

SERVO: Isn't it dangerous, all these guys trying to think at once?

CROW: Yeah.

MIKE: <sniffing> I think I smell smoke...

> of what Tessa could possibly want with land that'd been ruined. Tessa Alvarado simply returned his gaze.

> He relented. "Very well," he said. "It's yours...and I won't charge the full price on the cattle." If word got out that he did, and what was wrong with them -- why, he'd probably be stripped of his rank...if not worse.

SERVO: Stripped naked in the town square and forced to listen to Montoya's speeches.

> TOWN:

> The stagecoach drew to a stop, and released its passengers. One man in his late forties, here for business. One mother and girl, here to greet the father they hadn't seen in over a year. And one woman who came alone. A brown-haired woman who bordered plain and beauty, with greenish-brown eyes.

> Captain Grisham and another of his men were assisting those exiting the coach -- they'd lost a toss,

MIKE: Crow, don't even think it.

CROW: I'm trying not to.

> so had to do this.

> "Captain...it is captain, yes?" the brown-haired woman asked, and saw Grisham's nod. "Captain, I was wondering if you could do me a small favor. I have come all this way, and am looking for someone." She motioned for him to approach, which he did.

> She whispered in his ear for several seconds, then pulled back. "...then I'd be most appreciative," and placed a thumb-sized chunk of gold into Grisham's hand, closing his fingers around it.

GRISHAM: I am not some cheap gigolo!

MONTOYA: We only have your word for it.

> "Thank you, kind sir," stepping away while giving a mild curtsey.

> Next stop, a place to sleep.

> 'The American' had arrived.

> AGULERA HACIENDA:

> When the trio was within sight of the hacienda, a lone figure ran out to greet them.

> It was Sonja Agulera.

> "Noele?" the Don asked, seeing the look on his wife's face.

> "Dead," Sonja sobbed. Then her grief transformed to rage, and focused on the doctor. "You left her alone," senora Agulera yelled at him, "and -"

HELM: Typical of the rich. Can't make up their minds.

> "Me??" Helm asked incredulous. "You were the one who told me not to get near her."

SERVO: She used to think she was indecisive and now she's not so sure.

> "You're a doctor," Don Agulera said at Helm, his deep voice a lashing in itself, "how could you let this happen??"

CROW: Because your stupid wife wouldn't let him near the kid?

> He pulled out one of his guns, aiming it at Helm.

> "I didn't do anything," Helm said, his voice strained, like he was on the border of snapping at the older man. "Try dealing with your ranch better, and perhaps you won't have plagues rising up.

> "You still have three other children, senor," Helm said flatly. "Finish it now, or they might be next."

SERVO: You know, I don't think mentioning the other kids was a good idea.

> "You threaten our children??" Sonja accused. Her husband cocked the gun.

SERVO: See?

> Helm leaned towards Agulera. "Do what you want. I'm leaving," and turned about-face, walking away, his back an easy target for the Don.

> A bullet shot into the ground beside the Dr's foot, and he just kept going as though it hadn't been.

> Another crack of gunpowder, fired a metal slug that skipped under Helm's other foot, and darted on ahead of him. And still Helm ignored everything.

> Don Agulera lowered his gun. "I'll get the ranch hands to start digging right away." How to keep them from slapping the bugs would be a problem he'd deal with. "Thank you for what help you gave," he said to Tessa, who curtsied politely before heading back to her horse. She needed a bath more than anything - or so was her opinion.

CROW: Yeah - I can smell her from here!

MIKE: Crow, you're a robot - you can't smell.

CROW: Oh yeah.

> NEXT DAY:

> "Are you sure this is necessary?" senorita Alvarado asked.

> "After the debacle yesterday, I'm not taking any chances," Helm answered. "Now, have you had any fevers, sweating, heart palpitations, shortness of breath,

TESSA: Only in your presence...

> anything out of the ordinary?"

> "No, and I really think, doctor --" Tessa started to say.

> "Fine, fine, whatever," Helm replied briskly. "Have a seat." Tessa did so. "Now hold still." Why those words instilled fear into Tessa's heart, she didn't know. What she did know was that her heart was starting to pound harder.

CROW: Oooh can I...

MIKE: Sock!

SERVO: What about...

MIKE: I have one for you if I need it.

> Doctor Helm was at that time carefully lowering his head to listen to Senorita Alvarado's heartbeats. His mind counted out the seconds to itself, and did its damndest to ignore the inviting softness of the Senorita's bosom. She was a patient!

MIKE: Hubba...muntphgt werhuufe

SERVO AND CROW: SOCK!!!

> Tessa held herself still by a combination of will and surprise. Had the clinic been burning down, she might not have been able to escape. Seconds passed, until it felt like hours, though likely had been only a minute or two.

> "Butterflies," Helm says, drawing his head away quicker than he'd put it down.

> "Butterflies?" Tessa asks. "I don't eat that much salad, doctor," she says, unsure if she should be indignant.

> Helm nods. "Butterflies in the stomach. Otherwise known as nervousness. Now, good day, Senorita, be sure to have Martha come over for a check-up....and please tell my next patient that its their turn now."

> Tessa nodded and started to leave the room, when Dr. Helm called to her. "Senorita."

> "Yes?" she answered, turning around.

> "Nunca llueve, pero vierte."

CROW: Come again?

SERVO: [in Helm's voice] Nunca llueve, pero vierte

CROW: That didn't help.

> Tessa nodded, not entirely sure she understood, turned to leave once more, passing on the 'you're next' message on her way out of the building. She was trying to think about how to tell Martha that the older woman was supposed to be sick and tired, though she couldn't think of what.

> Robert Helm didn't really see anything right then. "It never rains, but it pours. How true indeed."

THE END