MIDNIGHT RENDEZVOUS

DISCLAIMERS- usual legal bullshit

COMMENTS- MST3King of Eliza's QUOTE CHALLENGE #10

~~~~~

Helm was brought out of his musings

SERVO: Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight.
CROW: I wonder where I can get a pint and see a cricket game.

on the mysteries of the night sky by a movement on the edge of his vision. A movement in the shadows-of a shadow-a dark shadow with a splash of red.

NELSON: (singing) Every night. Every night. Shadow Dancing.
SERVO: Thank you, Andy Gibb.

Why does she wear that sash? She may as well be holding a torch, thought Helm.

QUEEN: I like red. It gives my outfit color.
NELSON: Besides, my periwinkle and pea-green sash is at the cleaners.

But even with snide comments running through his mind

CROW: As opposed to walking through his mind.

his heart soared.

HELM: (singing) Fly me to the moon. And let me dance among the stars.

He had started to believe that he would never see her again.

HELM: You make it sound like it's a bad thing.
QUEEN: You're no prize yourself, Bobby boy.

Then he saw Montoya.

MONTOYA: (lisping) O, Robert!

The colonel was follwing the shadow, but not too closely. He seemed to already know where she was going. Helm decided to bring up the end of this little parade.

CROW: I'm not even going to touch that one.

It ended at the jail.

NELSON: (singing) Going to a party at the county jail.
SERVO: Prisoners there began to wail.
CROW: They're dancing to the Jailhouse Rock.

As he reached the door, Helm heard voices. The first was the Queen's, but he couldn't make out the words.

SERVO: Hey, Queeine! Don't talk with your mouth full!

Montoya's answers was clearer.

"Thanks to you, we have found the weak link in the garrison's chain, and that link will be... replaced.

"Always merciful." The Queen's sarcasm was poisonous.

NELSON: Yet, taken in small doses, it only causes mild heartburn.

"I consider loyalty a greater virtue

MONTOYA: As well as a nice tight set of buns and a decent package.
NELSON: Hey! This is a family show!

The schedule please, Senorita." Helm heard the cocking of a pistol. "Now."

CROW: Er-
NELSON: Let it go, Crow.

Helm heard the rustling of paper then the Queen asked innocently, "Why are you so sure that I am a 'senorita', Colonel?"

SERVO: Or that I'm even female?
NELSON: You mean she's a TRANSVESTITE?!

"Because a husband would keep you busy at night."

HELM: I know I would.
MARTA: What about me, gringo?

Helm heard the sharp intake of breath from the Queen and he stepped through the doorway behind the colonel. He knew that all she would need is a distraction to escape,

HELM: How about I do Tom Jones nude?
JO, MARIL, ELIZA, et al: PLEASE DO!!!!!!

so he put his finger in the middle of Montoya's back saying, "I think we have one more pistol than necessary in this room, Colonel." He met the Queen's eyes and she gave him a small smile.

HELM: Bloody hell, Tessa! I deserve more than that.
QUEEN: OK.(grins widely)

That small distraction was also all that Montoya needed.

MONTOYA: I love it when he does "What's New Pussycat" in those sexy briefs.
JO: Screw, pal! This is OUR fantasy!
MARIL: Why don't you go shag Methos?

He pivoted, his gun now pointed at Helm's chest. "But my pistol is primed, Doctor."

NELSON: Hey! Will you quit with the double entendres? Kids watch this show!

There was the sound of steel and the Queen leaned over Montoya's shoulder while resting the blade against his throat. "Why don't I remove both of them and save us a great deal of trouble," she said, obviously annoyed with the whole line of innuendo.

QUEEN: Bullshit! I like innuendo.

She took posession of the gun and quickly disarmed it.

Keeping the colonel at swordpoint, she swung open the door of the cell.

"If you please, Colonel," she said with a small bow.

SERVO: As opposed to a big bow.

Montoya sighed, but walked into the cell without resistance. "I will not be here long. The guard will be by soon

GUARD: Up yours, Lou! I'm sleeping.

And whatever information you have gleaned from your glance at the delivery schedule will be useless."

"With no one in the jail, why would there be a guard? You won't be able to warn anyone until tommorrow moring and by then it will be too late for the first shipment. That's enough for me."

QUEEN: Just enough for a month in Monterrey.

She smiled at the Colonel. "I'm not greedy."

CROW: Unlike Montoya.
MONTOYA: I am not greedy. I just like having a lot of money.

She then turned to Helm. He couldn't read her expression, but it made him a little nervous. "And Doctor, what brings you out this time of night?"

HELM: I felt like taking a midnight stroll and saw you. I figured we could do a little bit of shagging.

Honesty is usually good. "I saw you and the colonel skulking about and I decided to help you handle the situation."

QUEEN: Aww. How sweet.

"You decided. Mmmm hmmm. And what made you think I needed help handling the colonel?

HELM: It's called the Knight in Shining Armor saving the Damsel in Distress.
CROW: Except I wouldn't exactly call her Damsel in Distress material.

You know. Doctor, you should really try asking for a change before you start deciding for me.

MONTOYA: It's bloody 1818 Spain! Women can't think for themselves.

I seem to recall a similiar statement coming from you, have you forgotten?

HELM: When the hell was that? (AUTHOR'S NOTE-When WAS that exactly?)

I think you need a little time to reflect on this." She had the cell door open again and Helm was so stunned by this sudden change in demeanor that she easily shoved him into the cell. It wasn't until the door shut with a clang that Helm came out of his stupor.

GRISHAM: Talk about an arresting personality, Helm.
NELSON: He should be arrested for having it.

What the Hell?! Don't get mad. Be charming, Robby. "I apologize if I overstepped my bounds. I was so pleased to see you again that the thought of you getting hurt clouded my judgement. I had hoped that you would welcome the assistance...even coming from me." Self-depreciation. That is usually a good choice.

CROW: I prefer Self-Aggrandizement.

The Queen was about to drop the keys on the desk but instead approached the cell.

NELSON: And no S&M references, Crow.
CROW: Partypooper!

She came forward and rested an elbow on a cross bar, then she set her chin in the supported hand.

QUEEN: My very own Robert Helm. Locked up and nowhere to go.
JO: Lucky gal!
ELIZA: Can I borrow him?
MARIL: No! I got first dibs! (all start fighting with each other.)
HELM: Ladies, please! There is plenty of me to go around.

Helm took a step toward her, smiling, certain that she was going to let him out. She gave a small sigh and a smile appeared that became positively wicked. "Sleep well, gentlemen." Before Helm could react she was gone, the keys left in plain sight in the desk by the door.

NELSON: Hey! Wait just a minute here!
CROW: Oh, man! That is COLD!
HELM: That BITCH!
QUEEN: And damn proud of it.
MARIL AND GIRLS: YOU GO GIRL!!

"But... How could she... What did..."

"Relax, Doctor." Montoya sat on the end of the narrow cot, his back against the wall. "She was quite right. No one will be by until morning."

MONTOYA: (lisping) Goody! Robby and I can make mad passionate love without any interruptions!

Helm went to the window. "We could shout..."

SERVO: Queen of Swords! Queen of Swords! Where forth art thou, Queen of Swords!
SHAKESPEARE: That's not what I wrote!

Again Montoya cut him off. "And have the whole town know that I have been locked in my own jail. I think not. As for you, you would have to explain why the Queen of Swords, the so-called Defender of Justice, locked you in here, too." Montoya smirked. "What did you do, Doctor?"

"I didn't do anything. I haven't seen the woman in over a month."

Montoya chuckled. "Maybe that is the problem."

Helm glared at the insinuation. "No, she wasn't annoyed when I first came in. But she was certainly angry by the time she left." Helm sat down on the other end of the cot in an imitation of Montoya's pose.

SERVO: While we're here, who's up for NUDE TWISTER?
MONTOYA: I prefer NUDE YAHTZEE.

"She wasn't angry when she left. To me, it seemed as if she was quite pleased with herself."

"Don't rub it in, Colonel."

CROW: Why not? It feels good.

Helm went over the encounter, moment by moment, and could not see what had prompted the Queen of Swords to throw him in the cell.

QUEEN: It's called you're a typical male chauvinist pig, Rob.

Montoya must have been thinking about it too, for he commented, "You impress me, Doctor. More than once, I have seen you face down the barrel of a gun; more than once that gun was in my own hand.

NELSON: NOT_ONE_WORD, Crow.
CROW: Oh, you are no fun!

I have yet so see a flicker of fear, a moment of concern for your own life. To have the freedom to perform such heroic deeds, like the one tonight, without a second thought, should be most attractive to that woman."

QUEEN: Sorry, I do the heroic deeds here. Helm's job is just to look cute.
ELIZA: And he does that very well.

The sign of true courage is to act in spite of fear. I don't see the fact that I don't fear my own death as being particularly admirable."

Montoya looked at Helm out of the corner of his eye. "But to conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom."

Helm sat quietly, thinking about the words, then said, "I can't place the reference. Who said it?"

"I did." Montoya smiled at Helm's incredulous look. "These things just come to me."

"Uh huh."

There was a silence in the cell for what seemed to like hours.

NELSON: Actually it was only twenty minutes.

Montoya had closed his eyes. Helm wondered if he had fallen asleep sitting up on one end of the cot.

"What is on your mind. Doctor?" Montoya opened one pale eye to catch Helm studying him.

SERVO: Besides the fact that you're a greedy, arrogant bastard? Not a thing.

Helm decided that since they were stuck here he may as well get Montoya's opinion.

HELM: Do these clothes make me look fat?

"I thought you might be able to enlighten me as to why I ended up here. You know more than you are saying, Colonel. And since you managed to get yourself affianced to..."

TESSA: Go ahead and say it. "Affianced to me."

The look on Montoya's face conveyed Tessa's answer to his proposal as clearly as if he had spoken the words. "If you are looking for insights into a woman's mind, you are asking the wrong person."

CROW: Of course, women have no minds to get insights from.
SERVO: Yeah. All beauty and no brain.
MARIL, JO et al: Is that so?! (gang up and pound MST3K crew to pulp)

Again there was a lengthy silence, until Helm felt compelled to say, "I'm sorry."

"I sincerely doubt that."

HELM: You're right. I'm not sorry at all.

END