BAD DAY IN THE COURTYARD

by Neil Burns
Neiltkd@aol.com

TRIO & ITEM CHALLENGE #17
SUMMARY- Nothing goes right for Montoya this day.

It was an unusually hot day in Santa Helena, hot enough to make Vulcan himself sweat. Colonel Montoya was in the courtyard tending to his roses, which were wilting. Grisham obesrved his superior obsessing over the flowers with unabashed amusment.

"Really, Colonel," the ex-patriate smiled. "They're just flowers. You can always grow some more."

"These are not just flowers, Grisham!" Montoya snapped. "These roses have been here since I came and I have taken care of them ever since!"

"Well, what's wrong?"

"What is wrong is this damn heat! This plus there has been no water for weeks. I do not know how much longer these roses can survive."

Suddenly, a soldier entered the courtyard and stopped before the two officers, saluting respectfully and waiting to be addressed.

"Yes, Gomez?" Montoya demanded. "What is it?"

"Your stallion Salan is ill, Colonel," Gomez replied. "It will not eat."

"What! When did this happen?"

"Just now, sir. I went to the stable to fed Salan. It won't touch its food."

"Get Dr. Helm immediately. Is there anything else?"

"The Queen of Swords has made off with the gold from Monterrey."

A loud scream seemingly from the lowest depths of Hell echoed around the courtyard as Montoya threw his pruning shears into the fountain in frustration. Grisham wordlessly dismissed Gomez who gladly left as quickly as possible.

"Ill-luck seldom comes alone," Montoya fumed trying to calm down.

"Sir?" Grisham asked confused.

"Cervantes' Don Quixote, Grisham. Part 1. Book 3. Chapter 6. 'Ill-luck, you know, seldom comes alone'."

"What's Don Quixote have to do with anything?"

"My ill luck, Grisham. First, my roses are dying. Second, my stallion is ill. Third, that masked Diabla stole another gold shipment."

Montoya's reptilian eyes narrowed to icy slits as he regarded his "lapdog".

"Fourth, the gods curse me with a tactless idiot with no vision of any kind I believe you have the expression 'when it rains, it pours'. I do not just have one unlucky occurance. I must be inendated with numerous curses. Leave me."

Grisham saluted and left fuming under his breath. Got your vision right here, Louie! Let's see how your vision is with those shears down your throat!

THE END

by Neil Burns
Neiltkd@aol.com

DISCLAIMERS- we know the drill
SUMMARY- The Queen and Cleo have an unexpected meeting
COMMENTS- a sort of continuation/sequel to MBF

~~~~~

Cleo sat on the bed purring contentedly as she watched her Grey Eyes prepare for his nocturnal rest. He picked her up and rubbed his cheek against hers, stroking her head.

"Buenos noches," he smiled. "Keep an eye on the hacienda."

He put her down and got into the bed, lowering himself for a peaceful sleep. Purring contentedly, Cleo jaunted out of her Grey Eyes' bedchamber to patrol the hacienda. She sniffed contemptuously at the soldiers on duty. These idiots could not protect anything if their lives depended on it. The cat entered the study where she saw a figure near the bookcase. Offended at the intrusion, she jumped onto the desk and arched her back, hissing vehemently. The figure turned her head. It was The Masked One! Her brown eyes glowed as the smiling vigilantress removed a glove and held her hand in front of the cat's nose. That scent was familiar. Brown Eyes! So that idiot dog was right.

"Buenos tardes, gatina," Masked One/Brown Eyes smiled as she picked Cleo up, cuddling the animal. "So the Colonel has you watching the hacienda, does he?"

Cleo meowed in reply.

"You're more efficient than these poor men. I must say, I never took Montoya as an animal lover."

The next meow was more of a growl.

"Ah. Nobody insults your master." The Masked One/Brown Eyes chuckled kissing Cleo's head. "Forgive me, little one, but I need to borrow some gold so the farmers can pay their weekly takes. In fact--"

Cleo's eyes widened when she saw Brown Eyes open her Grey Eyes' bookcase and enter his hidden vault. She was jiggling the lock with her dagger.

"You can help me." Brown Eyes smiled. "I am certain the farmers will be grateful that their Colonel's pet also believes in justice."

Angered at this effrontery, Cleo scratched Brown Eyes' cheek and clamped her teeth onto the woman' mask, yanking it off. It was Brown Eyes! Grey Eyes would be pleased.

"You little devil!" Brown Eyes exclaimed as the cat leaped from her arms and bolted from the vault.

She ran out and started to head for the door when she heard the cat yowling and Grey Eyes rustling impatiently.

"Cleo! Be quiet!"

"DAMN!" Brown Eyes cursed as she ran out of the vault and was able to escape out the window before Grey Eyes entered carrying Cleo in his arms.

The next morning Cleo and her Grey Eyes were enjoying breakfast when Brown Eyes entered with her Evil Eye (Marta). Grey Eyes stood and greeted Brown Eyes and planted a kiss on her hand. Cleo felt jealousy shoot up her spine.

"My dear Maria Teresa," Grey Eyes purred. "What happened to your face?"

"I saw a stray cat yesterday," Brown Eyes lied, "and tried to make friends with it, but it scratched me."

"Most unfortunate. Cleo, what is this you have in your mouth?"

Grey Eyes and Brown Eyes saw a piece of lace in the cat's mouth. It was the Brown Eyes' mask! Cleo sauntered over and placed it in front of her purring triumphantly. A smile creased the serpentine visage of Grey Eyes.

"You are trying to tell me something, yes?" Yes, Grey Eyes! Grey Eyes lifted the cat up as held her close. "I already know," he whispered. "Thank you anyway."

Grey Eyes knew Brown Eyes was the Masked One?! She saw him sigh as one of those idiot soldiers entered. Excusing himself, he got up to deal with the halfwit trying to stay calm as the soldier explained his latest incompetency. She felt herself lifted and pressed against Brown Eyes' chest, her fur lovingly stroked.

"Why did you scratch me?" Brown Eyes held her close to her face. "I have no quarrel with you."

Cleo meowed defiantly. Brown Eyes held her tighter chuckling wickedly.

"I will have to steal you away from Montoya. A lovely creature like you should not live in a viper pit."

"Then I will have to arrest you for theft," Grey Eyes smiled overhearing the tet-e-tet.

"Colonel," Brown Eyes cooed. "I am jealous. My uncle used to have a cat when I was younger, but not like this beauty."

Brown Eyes gently placed Cleo into her Grey Eyes' arms and gave her a final stroke, kissing her lovingly on her forehead. Curtseying gracefully, Brown Eyes left with Evil Eye as Grey Eyes stroked Cleo's neck chuckling to himself.

"Yes, my little Queen," he purred. "I know Senorita Alvarado is the Queen of Swords. In fact, I have known for quite a while. This is sort of a, well, 'a cat and mouse game'. I am the cat and our little senorita/Queen of Swords is the mouse."

Cleo purred in approval. Thank goodness her Grey Eyes had intelligence after all. She did not have to exert herself trying to tell her beloved master.

"Do not worry, my dear Cleo. Soon I wil have the Queen in my trap and this charming little hamlet will be a paradise once more."

Cleo purred as she and her Grey Eyes resumed their breakfast in the courtyard. It was going to be another beautiful day

END

DISCLAIMER-Fireworks etc., etc., etc.
SUMMARY-Our little Queenie gets some purrfectly catty help.
COMMENTS-A QOS/SAMURAI PIZZA CATS crossover (my muse is on an ANIME kick lately). SPC is one of the funniest animes ever seen. This story will be told in its style-i.e. the characters interacting with the narrator. Look for challenge items.

"SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!
WHO DO YOU CALL WHEN
YOU WANT SOME PEPPERONI?
SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!
THEY'RE STAMPING OUT CRIME
AND THAT AIN'T NO BALONEY!"-excerpt of SPC theme

NARRATOR: Santa Helena, California. Your typical dustbowl town in the early 1800s. The people are decent and hardworking.

PEON: Except the Dons. They sit on their butts doing zilch.

DON: Well, that's your station in life.

(The Don and Peon get into a shoving match which degenrates into a brawl)

NARRATOR: Moving right along. It's another hot sticky day in SH. In fact, it's so hot-

ALL: HOW HOT IS IT?!

NARRATOR: It's hotter than a whore in Monterrey. Ah, and the man behind this charming little "establishment" is one Colonel Luis Ramirez Montoya. The Military Governor.

MONTOYA: (beaming) Bienvenidos, mi amigos. Welcome to our happy little pueblo.

NARRATOR: Ah yes. A man overflowing with the milk of human knidness. A fatherly figure of warmth and compassion.

PEON: Right. And Ferdinand VII is Protestant.

NARRATOR: So, Luis--

MONTOYA: Colonel, please, Senor Narrator.

NARRATOR: What-ever.(singsong) How goes capturing Queenie?

Montoya frowns slightly as he sips his wine contemplatively.

MONTOYA: Alas, that diabla still remains a blight on this fair land. No matter what I do, she has Diablo's own luck.

NARRATOR: What about your lackey?

MONTOYA: (disgusted snort) Grisham? Anyone can make a mistake, but that idiot seems to revel in his error.

MARIL: Wrong challenge, Lou.

NARRATOR: Speaking of our little maiden in black and the rather unstellar Captain Grisham--

(The scene switches to desert where The Queen is surrounded and fighting off Montoya's soldiers as best as she can while Grisham steals a sip or two from his canteen.)

NARRATOR: This is rather old, guys.

QUEEN: The author likes this particular scenario.

GRISHAM: Yeah. We're waiting to find out what happens this time.

QUEEN: I was rescued by two adorable mice.

GRISHAM: Right. Being soaked and electrocuted. That was real precious.

QUEEN: Then there was La Marinera del Luna.

GRISHAM: "In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!"

NARRATOR: Poor Luis. He's running a nuthouse.

GRISHAM: Hell, yeah. Nobody else will touch this place with a 10-foot pole.

(Suddenly three figures come hurtling from the sky screaming. Two collide with Grisham. One knocks over the Queen. That one raises his head and sees that his head is near her groin. They are the Samurai Pizza Cats. Masters (and Mistress) of Samurai stuff and they make great pizza too.)

GUIDO: Where the hell are we? This don't look like Little Edo.

POLLY: Yeah. It's too damn hot.

SOLDIER: Gatos. And they talk!

SOLDIER 2: Increbile!

SPEEDY: (the one with the upclose view of Queenie's crotch) Beg your pardon, Miss. (gets up and helps her up.) You know where we are?

QUEEN: Califorina, gatinos. Roughly 10 miles outside Santa Helena.

CATS: CALIFORNIA?!!

GUIDO: Damn! Francine's sense of direction REALLY needs work.

SPEEDY: She's a girl. Girls don't know jack about such things.

POLLY: (unsheathing claws) I beg your pardon?

GRISHAM: Scuze me. Where are you from?

SPEEDY: Little Edo. In Japan.

QUEEN: (scratching his nose) You are about several thousand miles off course.

(Suddenly, Grisham drops the cantina and charges the Pizza Cats only to be ferociously scratched by Polly's claws.)

NARRATOR: OOoooohh. That's gotta hurt.

GRISHAM: What the hell did you do that for?

SPEEDY: You stepped on her tail. Not good.

POLLY: Right. We're stronger than old cheese. Stronger than dirt.

GUIDO: Step on our tails and you're gonna get hurt.

SPEEDY: We're the Samurai Pizza Cats. I'm Speedy Service. (ser-VEE-chee)

GUIDO: I'm your love god. I'm Guido Anchiove.

POLLY: I'm pretty but deadly. I'm Polly Ester.

NARRATOR: With that inspiring speech, the obviously impressed soliders and Captain Grisham show respect the only way they know how.

(Grisham and the soldiers fall to the ground laughing their asses off. The Cats are not too amused, but our Queen also chuckles and is thankful for being rescued by yet another cheap-but-effective DEUS EX MACHINA plot twist.)

QUEEN: Come, gatinos. Let us get you out of that hot armor.

GUIDO: Thanks. I'm sweating my tail off.

POLLY: Yeah. I now know how a pizza feels being overcooked. (stares at SPEEDY)

SPEEDY: HEY! I don't overcook the pizza. Blame Loverboy here.

QUEEN: Could we continue this argument later? I am, as you so charmingly put it, 'sweating my tail off' and would like a bath.

GUIDO AND SPEEDY: (their eyes heart-shaped) CAN WE WATCH?!!

POLLY: (sighing) See what I have to put up with?

NARRATOR: Our heroic quartet takes the opportunity to steal away to find a nice place to take a bath and cool off. Where do we know such a place I wonder?

TESSA: My place. DUH!

NARRATOR: DUH! I'm being facetious!

(As Tessa and the Narrator continue to argue, Grisham and the soldiers recover from their laughing fit and see that the Queen and the Cats are gone.)

SOLDIER1: Captian Grisham! They're gone!

(NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! I JUST SAID THAT!)

SOLIDER2: The writer is talking back!

GRISHAM: Forget him! Find the Queen and those furballs. They can't be that hard to miss. (Groaning) Oh, is Luis gonna love THIS one!

NARRATOR: After a fruitless three more hours sweating their asses off only to find nothing, our studmuffin Grisham and his not-so-studly soldiers ride back to Santa Helena to report to Colonel Montoya, who listens in his usual understanding and compassionate manner.

MONTOYA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (holds his temples)

GRISHAM: Is something wrong, Colonel?

MONTOYA: (trying to hold his temple) If they had trophies for absolute idiocy, you would, how you say, 'clean house'. PIZZA CATS?!

GRISHAM: But, sir. I---

MONTOYA: SHUT UP! I would rather slit my wrist with a straight razor than listen to these abomidable excuses. Find the Queen!

(Grisham salutes and leaves hurriedly to find "solace" in the arms of his hot jalepeno of a mistress one Vera Alexia Hildago.)

VERA: Oooooh, senor. You are too kind.

(My pleasure, cutie. Meanwhile, The Queen of Swords, now the equally delectable Maria Teresa Alvarado, is relaxing at her hacienda in a hot soothing bubblebath. Speedy is playing in the tub purring contentedly.)

NARRATOR: Hey, wait a minute. I thought cats hated water.

SPEEDY: Well, I don't. Besides, I have a bonus clause in my contract which kicks in if I take a bath. So pass the rubber duckie.

NARRATOR: (singing) Rubber duckie, you're the one. You make taking a bath so much fun. Rubber duckie--

POLLY: HELLOOOOOO! Can we get back to the story?

NARRATOR: Sorry. Sesame Street flashback for a moment there.

GUIDO: So, tell me, Queenie--

TESSA: Tessa, por favor. Nobody is supposed to know I am the Queen.

SPEEDY: Ya got a boyfriend?

MARTA: Dr. Robert Helm. They are to be married.

POLLY: Mozeltov! That is so wonderful.

GUIDO: What about you, Marta? You got a special someone?

SPEEDY: Yeah. You gonna get hitched?

MARTA: (smiles) I do, but he has his own life now. Besides, I am too old.

POLLY: C'mon. You're what-32? 33? That's nothing.

NARRATOR: Honey. This is 1818. According to the period, she's a washed-up old hag.

TESSA: Now, now. Be nice, Senor Narrator. Someone already spoke bad of Marta.

HELM: Yes. Poor bastard got bloody crucified for about a month.

(And did that SUCK! Being temporarily booted off a fanfiction site changes your attitude REAL quick.)

NARRATOR: RIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! The next day, our feline friends are cleaned up and given clothes especially made by that saintly Rom Rennissance beauty Marta. They decide to go into town. Needless to say, seeing three-foot cats walking upright and wearing clothes ain't exactly inconspicuous, folks.

VERA: Tessa! Where did you get such adorable pets? They are PRICELESS!

SPEEDY: (mock German accent) Ach! Schweinhund! I, Dr. Kat Atonic, izz nobody's pet!

POLLY: (mock pidgin) Excuse please. I honored to know acquaintance. I Kitty Chow from land of Purina.

GUIDO: Hello, old girl. I am Lord Whiska de Treats of Grimalkin Estates. Glad to know you.

TESSA: They came by to visit and I am showing them around.

VERA: How priceless. I am sure Colonel Montoya would love to meet them.

POLLY: Who Colonel Montoya?

TESSA: Santa Helena's Military Governor. A charming gentleman and a true father figure for this pueblo.

NARRATOR: Ah. Tessie's got the art of bullshitting down to a science.

TESSA: Gracias. But Montoya's the true Master. Yes. I am sure the Colonel will love to have you at one of his parties.

GUIDO: Excellent. I love parties.

(As the dialogue continues, Colone Montoya happens by and sees the strange visitors. He decides to introduce himself and maybe invite them to his usual boring parties.)

MONTOYA: I thought the author was supposed to be neutral, Senor.

(I am. I am stating objectively that your gatherings are Snoreville, just like I objectively feel that you are a ruthless bastard with little if any redeeming value.)

NARRATOR: I second that. The sooner Queenie drives you out, the better.

MONTOYA: Not gonna happen. (to Cats) Welcome friends.

(The Cats states their fake names and give their fake bios. And, sure enough, they are invited to Montoya's party where they are the highlight. If nothing else, because talking cats are hard to come by. The next morning.)

TESSA: Wait a minute. You glossed over the party.

NARRATOR: The story's getting long as is, sweetpea. We gotta get to the big scene where the Cats and you do your big number.

TESSA: I see.

NARRATOR: Yeah. Our cheapass producer's bitching that we are running overbudget and to wrap it up ASAP.

SPEEDY: Besides. we got a SAILOR MOON story to crash tommorrow.

(It is the next day and Colonel Montoya is preparing for another (attempted) execution. The executee is a peon who mouthed off to the soliders collecting taxes.)

NARRATOR: This is SOOOO TIRRRED (singsong). Always executing the peons. Why not execute a Don or Dona? Have some variety.

MONTOYA: Because the Dons can pay their way out, plus they have friends in the Spanish Court. Grisham. At your leisure.

GRISHAM: Yes, sir. (turns to firing squad) Soldiers! Ready!

(Suddenly, a dagger sinks into a soldiers back. As the others and Grisham look up, our bodacious beauty in black leaps off the roof and lands sitting on another soldier's shoulders, snapping his neck.)

QUEEN: Another execution you did not invite me to? I am insulted, Luis.

MONTOYA: You perra! How dare you!

QUEEN: Well, fortune sides with him who dares.

VIRGIL: That's "HIM" who dares. Never said anything about a woman daring.

(Suddenly, psuedo-Oriental music with a rock beat is heard and people look up and see three open umbrellas facing the crowd.)

CATS: WE'RE STRONGER THAN OLD CHEESE! WE'RE STRONGER THAN DIRT! IF YOU STEP ON OUR TAIL, YOU'RE GONNA GET HURT!

GUIDO: You want justice with a slice of pepperoni, I'm your man. I'm Guido Anchiove!

POLLY: I send my love to all my adoring fans. I'm the lovely and lethal Polly Ester!

SPEEDY: I'm the leader of the bunch. I'm a heckuva fighter who makes a heckuva lunch. I'm Speedy Service! We are--

(All three Cats lose the umbrella and jump to the ground in front of a smiling Queen of Swords in their trademark poses to the amusement of the crowd.)

CATS: THE SAMURAI PIZZA CATS!!

QUEEN: (in the spirit) I challenge oppression and fight for the people and I will have pepperoni and anchioves to go. I am THE QUEEN OF SWORDS!!

MONTOYA: (beseeching Heaven) Why?! WHY?! What did I do to be tormented like this?! Can I not have a normal pueblo like other Military Governors?!

NARRATOR: No. You're the greediest most corrupt bastard besides Grisham and you deserve everything you get.

(Amen, brother.)

MONTOYA: Who asked you, Author?

(The Pizza Cats and the Queen of Swords are embarrasing the soldiers with their swords and martial arts skills. The Queen is able to free the peon who takes off unnoticed. Grisham, useless as ever, just stands there mouth open.)

GUIDO: Close your mouth, bud! You're attracting flies.

QUEEN: Exactly. A closed mouth catches no flies.

POLLY: Who's that?

QUEEN: Cervantes.

SPEEDY: It ain't his mouth catching flies. It's his aftershave. ODOR OF HORSEDUNG.

NARRATOR: After a while of taking a can of whoopass, the soldiers cry "No mas!" and beat a retreat. Montoya sits there in disgust as Queenie and our furry little felines waltz out with no objections. I think Montoya might want to keep this quiet.

MONTOYA: Really. What was your first clue?

NARRATOR: Boy! Mice that fire water and electricity. Puppets that come to life. Sailor Moon. A Master Thief. Now talking cats that beat the shit out of your soldiers.

MONTOYA: Please do not remind me!

NARRATOR: Oh, taxi! Bellevue and step on it!

(A somewhat bemused and disgraced Grisham (surprise! surprise!) walks up to Montoya trying not to set him off.

GRISHAM: Well---That was certainly a lemon.

NARRATOR: Well, like the saying goes. "Life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

HELM: And Marta makes the best lemonade bar none.

(The next day, the Pizza Cats and Tessa say farewell, but not before Speedy gives Marta the recipe for his DOUBLE MUSHROOM DELUXE.)

SPEEDY: Garunteed Tessa will eat it up.

MARTA: Gracias, carino gatino. Vaya con Dios.

SPEEDY: And Vay with Doo Doos to you too.

NARRATOR: With that, our heros part ways. Queenie fighting injustice and being a pain in the ass to Montoya and the cats back to Little Edo to fight injustice and be a pain in the ass to Big Cheese and company.

GUIDO: Right. Al Dente must be wondering where we are.

THE END