Ode To My Sodding Cat

When first that little ball of fur
Did gaze into my eyes
All black and white and full of purr
A perfect little prize
I held him in my arms and grinned
It's home with me you'll come
And on that day my fate was pinned
To one small smelly bum

At first I thought,'tis not for long
He's only little yet
But as he grew so did the pong
And now me mind was set
I tried with soap and tar shampoo
To scrub his damn behind
I tried with everything I knew
The stench near drove me blind

Alas! I cried out in despair
As nothing seemed to work
As never-ending farty air
Did all around me lurk
I finally threw in me towel
To live with this I must
He darts,I trip and with a howl
I fall and bite the dust

He's grown so big it makes me wince
With belly fit to burst
And meanness that I've not seen since
The nuns that taught me first
A little give and take I plead
I won't ask for much more
As he commits the dirty deed
And wees upon the floor

When I lie down with pounding head
No pity will this cat embrace
Instead he'll jump up on my bed
And growl into my face
I'll ask him nicely to behave
I'll sing and softly hum
But all he does is fiercely gaze
And hiss at my old Mum
As for respect? Why I get none
Just scratch marks and a smelly bum

Through every chair and couch and wire
He's chewed and gnawed his way
And now I have but one desire
To throw the lot away
The gaping holes and tears through which
The springs and stuffing spill
Have gone beyond a mend or stitch
Yet he devours them still
As for respect? Why I get none
Just scratch marks and a smelly bum

Sometimes I'll think, O bloody heck!
When my next door neighbor calls
As with one leg behind his neck
He'll sit and lick his balls
So now there'll be no tears or sobs
And while me mind's still sound
I'll pack his little bits and bobs
Tomorrow it's- THE POUND!

Sheila Na Gig
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