This page's rated MR and is suitable for Mature Readers only.   It contains curse language, sexual references,and adult themes. lolz!

The Dowager rings for her butler and asks him to:

      'Please take off my dress.'

     'Please take off my petticoat.'

     'Please take off my bra.'

     'Please take off my panties.'

All of her requests are answered by a respectful, 'Yes, Ma'am.'Finally she says, 'And Jeeves, if I catch you wearing my cloths again you'll be fired.'

A japanese businessman arrives at the Melbourne airport from Tokyo and goes straight to the airport bank. In return for a 1000 yen, the teller gives him 1260 Australian dollars. A few days later he's flying to Sydney and goes to the same counter for some extra cash. This time the teller hands him 1185 dollars for his 1000 yen. The Japanese complains, saying, 'One thousand yen, one thousand two hundred and sixty dollars, not right, not right.'

The teller calmly explains that the rates change daily. But the Japanese, by now holding up a number of other customers, continues to demand his 'one thousand two hundred and sixty dollars.'The teller tries patiently to explain, 'Please understand, it's the world money rate, the differences in currency. "Failing to communicate, he then said loudly, 'It's the fluctuation, the fluctuations!'

To which the angry Japanese replied, 'Well fluck you Aussie too!'

The various ages and stages of sex:

First, you have bathroom sex where you root in the shower or the bath.

Then you have kitchen sex where you root on the sink or the kitchen table.

Then there's bedroom sex where all your rooting is confined to the bedroom.

Finally, you have corridor sex where you see your wife in the hallway in the morning and say, 'Go and get fucked!'

A bloke approaches a girl and says. What about a fuck?'

'No!' she answered indignantly.

'Well how about lying down while I have one?'

Jacky was sitting on the stoop in an inner suburban street. It was garbage day, and the council garbage truck stopped right by him.

'Where's ya bin?' demanded the garbo.

'I bin away,' answered Jacky.

'No - where's ya wheely bin?' asked the garbo impatiently.

'Oh,' said Jacky, 'I weely bin in prison, but I tell ma friends I've been on holidays in Mullumbimby!'

There are four kinds of orgasm. Positive, Negative, Religious and Fake. The positive goes, 'Yes, yes, yes!' The negative, 'No, no, no!' The religious, 'Oh God, God, God!' And the fake, '..., ..., ...,!' (Fill in the name of your lover in the blank spaces.)

'What you have in your pocket?' one man asks another.

'I'll give you a clue. It begins with 'N'.'

'A Napple?' said the first man.

'No, I told you it begins with 'N'.'

'A Norange!'

'No, Im telling you for the last time that it begins with an 'N'.'

'Would it be a Nonion?'

'You've got it at last.'

An arrogant red rooster was giving chase to a fluttery little hen. To escape him, she scrambled to the highway and was promptly run over by a truck. Two old maids on a nearby porch witnessed the accident. 'You see,' said one, with an approving nod, 'she'd rather die.'

When a man couldn't get a dance his friend decided to tell him the truth. 'Look, it's the smell from your socks. Go home and change them and you'll have no trouble.' Later in the evening the man complained that he still coudn't get a dance.

'Did you change your socks?'

'Of course I did,' said the man, pulling them from his pocket.

In an anatomy class, a young woman is called upon to name the three most important parts of the male body. 'First,' she stammered, 'there's the brain. Second,' she continues, 'there's the heart. The third thing.... the third thing....I've had it on my fingertips...I've had it on the tip of my tongue... I've had it drilled into me a thousand times... but i just can't remember it.'

A man had been missing for weeks. His wife told the police. Next day the police arrived to say that her husband's body had been found floating in the river. 'Sure, that couldn't be him,' she said, 'because he couldn't swim.'

Two young, teenage, Catholic girls were walking home from a lecture given by the local priest on premarital sex. One said, 'Bridget, did you understand, everything that Father said?'

'Oh yes,' replied Bridget, 'I know all about that stuff he was talkin' about.'

'Well, if you do,' said the first lass, are you one of them virgins Father was talkin' about?'

'No,' said Bridget, 'not yet!'

After trying unsuccessfully for years to have a baby, a young couple went to see their doctor. After examining them both and finding nothing wrong, he suggested they do it 'like the cats do it.'

'Like the cats do it?' asked the husband. And then, with a smile, said, 'Oh, I see what you mean.'

A week later the doctor saw the young man walking down the street with a black band on his left arm. 'Who died?' he said. 'My wife,' replied the young man. 'You see, we took your advice, but she fell off the roof.'

A mother took her 16-year-old to see the doctor because his penis was still the same size as a 10 year- old's. The doctor prescribed plenty of hot buttered toast for breakfast as an aid to normal growth. At breakfast the next morning, the boy was confronted with a huge mound of hot buttered toast. But as he reached for it, his mother slapped his hand away. 'Leave your father's breakfast alone.'

Coming home unexpected, the junior executive finds his wife in bed with a naked guy. He's about to shoot him when his wife says, 'Don't! Who do you think bought us the condo in Surfers Paradise, the BMW, the first-class tickets to London?'

'Are you the guy?' asks the husband. 'Then get your clothes on. Do you want to catch a cold?'

An old man was sitting on the curb outside the pub, sobbing helplessly, A cop asked him what was wrong. 'I'm 75 years old,' he cried, 'and i've got a 25-year-old wife at home who's beautiful, randy, and madly in love with me.'

'So what's the problem?' asked the cop.

'I can't remember my address.'

Red Riding Hood is tripping merrily through the forest. Out jumps the big bad wolf, who grabs her and with fangs salivating says, 'Aha, Red Riding Hood. I'm going to gobble you up ... gobble, gobble, gobble!' To which Red Riding Hood responds, ' Gobble, gobble, gobble, is that all they can think about around here. Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?'

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