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Screenplay (Continued)
INT. WILLIAM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
WILLIAM:
Did you identify with the character
you were playing?
INTERPRETER:
Te identicaste con el personaje que
interpretabas?
FOREIGN ACTOR:
No.
INTERPRETER:
No.
WILLIAM:
Ah. Why not?
INTERPRETER:
Por que no?
FOREIGN ACTOR:
Porque es un robot carnivore
psicopata.
INTERPRETER:
Because he is playing a psychopathic
flesh-eating robot.
WILLIAM:
Classic.
INT. RITZ INTERVIEW ROOM - DAY
And now William is sitting opposite an eleven-year-old
American girl.
WILLIAM:
Is this your first film?
GIRL:
No -- it's my 22nd.
WILLIAM:
Of course it is. Any favorite among
the 22?
GIRL:
Working with Leonardo.
WILLIAM:
Da Vinci?
GIRL:
Di Caprio.
WILLIAM:
Of course. And is he your favorite
Italian film director?
INT. RITZ CORRIDOR - DAY
William emerges traumatized into the corridor. It is
full of camera crews. And there is Karen.
KAREN:
Mr. Thacker?
WILLIAM:
(so weary)
Yes?
KAREN:
Have you got a moment?
INT. ANNA'S SUITE SITTING ROOM - DAY
They knock on her door.
ANNA (V.O.):
Come in.
William enters. A certain nervousness. They are alone again.
ANNA:
Ahm. That thing I was doing tonight
-- I'm not doing it any more. I told
them I had to spend the evening with
Britain's premier equestrian
journalist.
WILLIAM:
Oh well, great. Perfect. Oh no --
shittity brickitty -- it's my sister's
birthday -- shit -- we're meant to be
having dinner.
ANNA:
Okay -- fine.
WILLIAM:
But no, I'm sure I can get out of it.
ANNA:
No, I mean, if it's fine with you,
I'll, you know, be your date.
WILLIAM:
You'll be my date at my little sister's
birthday party.
ANNA:
If that's all right.
WILLIAM:
I'm sure it's all right. My friend
Max is cooking and he's acknowledged
to be the worst cook in the world, but
you know, you could hide the food in
your handbag or something.
ANNA:
Okay.
WILLIAM:
Okay.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bella and Max are in the kitchen.
MAX:
He's bringing a girl?
BELLA:
Well, miracles do happen.
MAX:
Does the girl have a name?
BELLA:
He wouldn't say.
MAX:
Christ, what is going on in there?
The oven seems to be smoking a little. Then the bell
rings.
MAX (cont'd):
Oh God.
It's had timing. Max shoots out of the kitchen.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Max heads for the door impatiently. He opens it and
turns back without looking at William and Anna standing there.
MAX:
Come on in. Vague food crisis.
William and Anna move along the corridor to the kitchen.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bella is there.
BELLA:
Hiya -- sorry -- the guinea fowl is
proving more complicated than
expected.
WILLIAM:
He's cooking guinea fowl?
BELLA:
Don't even ask.
ANNA:
Hi.
BELLA:
Hi. Good Lord -- you're the spitting
image of...
WILLIAM:
Bella -- this is Anna.
Bella shakes Anna's hand
BELLA:
Right.
(pauses)
MAX:
Okay. Crisis over.
He rises from his stove position.
WILLIAM:
Max. This is Anna.
MAX:
Hello, Anna ahm...
(He recognizes her -- the
word just falls out)
Max shakes her hand as well
Scott -- have some wine.
ANNA:
Thank you.
Door bell goes.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Max opens the door -- it is Honey.
MAX:
Hi.
She does a little pose, having worn a real party dress.
MAX:
Yes, Happy Birthday.
They head back along the corridor.
MAX:
Look, your brother has brought this
girl, and ahm...
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
They enter the kitchen.
HONEY:
Hi guys.
(sees Anna)
Honey is shocked at the fact that she actually is standing in front of Anna Scott
Oh holy fuck!!!.
Honey then shakes Anna's hand
WILLIAM:
Honey -- this is Anna. Anna -- this is
Honey -- she's my baby sitter.
ANNA:
Hi.
HONEY:
Oh God this is one of those key moments
in life, when it's possible you can be
really, genuinely cool -- and totally
and utterly adore you and I think
you're the most beautiful woman in the
world and more importantly I genuinely
believe and have believed for some
time now that we can be best friends.
What do you think?
ANNA:
Ahm...
-- lucky me. Happy Birthday.
She hands her a present.
HONEY:
Oh my God. You gave me a present.
We're best friends already. Marry
Will -- he's a really nice guy and
then we can be sisters.
ANNA:
I'll think about it.
The front door bell goes.
MAX:
That'll be Bernie.
He heads out into the corridor to the front door.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Max opens the door.
MAX:
Hello, Bernie.
BERNIE:
I'm sorry I'm so late. Stocks collapsed
at work again, I fear. Millions down
the drain.
MAX:
Well Done!!!
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
They enter the room.
MAX:
Bernie -- this is Anna.
BERNIE:
Hello, Anna. Delighted to meet you.
Doesn't recognize her -- turns to Honey.
BERNIE:
Honey Bunny -- happy birthday to you.
(hands her a present)
It's a hat. You don't have to wear
it or anything.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Bernie:
Hewo...
A minute or two later -- they are standing, drinking
wine before dinner. Bernie with Anna on their own -- William
helping Max in the kitchen.
MAX:
You haven't slept with her, have you?
WILLIAM:
That is a cheap question and the answer
is, of course, no comment.
MAX:
'No comment' means 'yes.'
WILLIAM:
No, it doesn't.
MAX:
Do you ever masturbate?
WILLIAM:
Definitely no comment.
MAX:
You see -- it means 'yes.'
Then on to Bernie's conversation.
BERNIE:
So tell me Anna -- what do you do?
ANNA:
I'm an actress.
BERNIE:
Oh splendid, well done!!!. I'm actually in the stock-
market, so not really similar fields,
though I have done some amateur stuff
-- P.G. Wodehouse, you know -- farce,
all that. 'Ooh -- careful there,
vicar.' Always imagined it's a
pretty tough job, though, acting.
I mean the wages are a scandal,
aren't they?
ANNA:
They can be.
BERNIE:
I see friends from university --
clever chaps -- been in the business
longer than you -- they're scraping
by seven, eight thousand a year.
It's no life. What sort of acting
do you do?
ANNA:
Films mainly.
BERNIE:
Oh splendid. Well done. How's the
pay in movies? I mean, last film you
did, what did you get paid?
ANNA:
Fifteen million dollars.
BERNIE:
Right. Right. That's... fairly
good. On the high side... have you
tried the nuts?
MAX:
Right -- I think we're ready.
They all move towards the kitchen.
ANNA:
(to Bella)
I wonder if you could tell me where
the...?
BELLA:
Oh, it's just down the corridor on
the right.
HONEY:
I'll show you.
A moment's silence as they leave -- then in a split
second the others all turn to William.
BELLA:
Quickly, quickly -- talk very quickly
what are you doing here with Anna
Scott?
BERNIE:
Anna Scott?
BELLA:
Yes.
BERNIE:
The movie star?
BELLA:
Yup.
BERNIE:
Oh God. Oh God. Oh Goddy God.
The horror of his remembered conversation slowly
unfolds. Honey re-enters.
HONEY:
I don't believe it. I walked into the
loo with her. I was still talking when
she started unbuttoning her jeans...
She had to ask me to leave.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
A little later. They are sat at dinner. Bella next to Anna.
BELLA:
What do you think of the guinea fowl?
ANNA:
(whispering)
I'm a vegetarian.
BELLA:
Oh God.
MAX:
So what did you think of the guinea fowl?
Anna:
(Smiles)
Best guinea fowl I ever tasted.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
Moving through the evening -- they are very relaxed, as
they eat dinner. A few seconds watching the evening going
well -- Anna is taking this in -- real friends -- relaxed --
easy, teasing. And there's a cake. Honey wears Bernie's
unsuitable hat. Anna watches William laughing at something and
then putting his head in his hands with mock shame.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S CONSERVATORY - NIGHT
Coffee time.
MAX:
Having you here, Anna, firmly
establishes what I've long suspected,
that we really are the most desperate
hot of under-achievers.
BERNIE:
Shame!
MAX:
I'm not saying it's a bad thing, in
fact, I think it's something we should
take pride in. I'm going to give the
last brownie as a prize to the saddest
act here.
A little pause. Then William turns to Bernie.
WILLIAM:
Bernie.
BERNIE:
Well, obviously it's me, isn't it --
I work in the City in a job I don't
understand and everyone keeps getting
promoted above me. I haven't had a
girlfriends well since... puberty and,
well, the long and short of it is,
nobody fancies me, and if these cheeks
get any chubbier, they never will.
HONEY:
Nonsense. I fancy you. Well I did
before you got so fat.
MAX:
You see?
MAX:
You see -- and unless I'm much mistaken,
your job still pays you rather a lot of
money, where else Honey here, she earns
nothing flogging her guts out at
London's seediest record store.
HONEY:
Yes. And I don't have hair -- I've got
feathers, and I've got funny goggly
eyes, and I'm attracted to cruel men and
... no one'll ever marry me because my
boosies have actually started
shrinking.
MAX:
You see -- incredibly sad.
BELLA:
On the other hand, her best friend is
Anna Scott.
HONEY:
That's true, I can't deny it. She
needs me, what can I say?
BELLA:
And most of her limbs work. Whereas
I'm stuck in its thing day and night,
in a house full of ramps. And to add
insult to serious injury -- I've
totally given up smoking, my favorite
thing, and the truth is... we can't
have a baby.
Dead silence.
WILLIAM:
Bella.
Bella shrugs her shoulders. Bernie is totally grief-struck.
BERNIE:
No. Not true...
BELLA:
C'est la vie... We're lucky in lots
of ways, but... but surely it's worth a
brownie.
William reaches for her hand. Max breaks the somber mood.
MAX:
Well, I don't know. Look at
William. Very unsuccessful
professionally. Divorced. Used to
be handsome, now kind of squigy
around the edges -- and absolutely
certain never to hear from Anna again
after she's heard that his nickname
at school was Floppy.
They all laugh. Anna smiles across at William.
WILLIAM:
So I get the brownie?
MAX:
I think you do, yes.
ANNA:
Wait a minute. What about me?
MAX:
I'm sorry? You think you deserve the
brownie?
ANNA:
Well... at least a shot at it.
WILLIAM:
You'll have to prove it. This is a
great brownie and I'm going to fight
for it. State your claim.
ANNA:
Well, I've been on a diet since I was
nineteen, which basically means that I've
been hungry for a decade. I've had a
sequence of not nice boyfriends -- one
of whom hit me: and every time my heart
gets broken it gets splashed across
the newspapers as entertainment.
Meantime, it cost millions to get me
looking like this...
HONEY:
Really?
ANNA:
Really -- and one day, not long from
now...
While she says this, quiet settles around the table.
The thing is -- she sort of means it and is opening up to them.
ANNA:
... my looks will go, they'll discover out
I can't act and I'll become a sad
middle-aged woman who looks a bit like
someone who was famous for a while.
Silence... they all look at her... then.
MAX:
Nah!!! Nice try, gorgeous -- but you
don't fool anyone.
The mood is instantly broken. They all laugh.
WILLIAM:
Pathetic effort to hog the brownie.
INT. MAX AND BELLA'S KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM/CORRIDOR - NIGHT
Anna and William are leaving.
ANNA:
Thanks for a great evening.
MAX:
I'm delighted.
He holds out his hand to shake. She kisses him on the cheek.
He stumbles back with joy.
ANNA:
And may I say that's a gorgeous tie.
MAX:
Now you're lying.
ANNA:
You're right. I told you I was bad
at acting.
Max loves this.
ANNA:
(to Bella)
Lovely to meet you.
BELLA:
And you. I'll wait till you've gone
before I tell him you're a
vegetarian.
MAX:
Oh, No!
ANNA:
Night, night, Honey.
HONEY:
I'm so sorry about the loo thing.
I meant to leave but I just...
look, ring me if you need someone to
go shopping with. I know lots of
nice, cheap places... not that money
necessarily...
(gives up)
nice to meet you.
HONEY:
Um, may I?
Anna obliges by allowing Honey to give her a huge hug.
Honey shakes her hand and then proceeds top hug her.
ANNA:
You too -- from now on you are my
style guru.
Anna and William head out... Bernie tries to save some dignity.
BERNIE:
Love your work.
They move to the door and wave goodbye.
EXT. MAX AND BELLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT
William and Anna step outside. From inside they hear a massive
and hysterical scream of the friends letting out their true
feelings. William is a little embarrassed.
WILLIAM:
Sorry -- they always do that when I
leave the house.
The house is in Lansdowne Road, on the edge of Notting Hill.
They walk for a moment. A bit of silence.
ANNA:
Floppy, huh?
WILLIAM:
It's the hair! It's to do with the
hair.
ANNA:
Why is she in a wheelchair?
WILLIAM:
It was an accident -- about eighteen
months ago.
ANNA:
And the pregnancy thing -- is that to
do with the accident?
WILLIAM:
You know, I'm not sure. I don't
think they'd tried for kids before,
as fate would have it.
They walk in silence for a moment. Then...
WILLIAM:
Would you like to come... my house is
just...?
She smiles and shakes her head.
ANNA:
Too complicated.
WILLIAM:
That's fine.
ANNA:
Busy tomorrow?
WILLIAM:
I thought you said you were leaving.
ANNA:
I was.
EXT. NOTTING HILL GARDEN - NIGHT
A little later in the walk.
ANNA:
What's in there?
They are now walking by a five foot railing, with foliage
behind it.
WILLIAM:
Gardens. All these streets round
here have these mysterious communal
gardens in the middle of them.
They're like a little village.
ANNA:
Let's go in.
WILLIAM:
Ah no -- that's the point -- they're
private villages -- only the people
who live round the edges are allowed
in.
ANNA:
You abide by rules like that?
WILLIAM:
Ahm...
Her look makes it clear that she is waiting with interest on
the answer to this.
WILLIAM:
No -- other people do -- but not
me -- I just do what I want.
He rattles the gate, then starts his climb -- but doesn't quite
make it, and falls back onto the pavement...
WILLIAM:
(casually)
Whoopsidaisies.
ANNA:
What did you say?
WILLIAM:
Nothing.
ANNA:
Yes, you did.
WILLIAM:
No, I didn't.
ANNA:
You said "whoopsidaisies."
Tiny pause.
WILLIAM:
I don't think so. No one has said
"whoopsidaisies," do they -- I mean
unless they're...
ANNA:
There's no "unless." No one has said
"whoopsidaisies" for fifty years and
even then it was only little girls
with blonde ringlets.
WILLIAM:
Exactly. So here we go again.
He fails, and unfortunately spontaneously...
WILLIAM:
Whoopsidaisies.
They look at each other.