2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Knoxville has its
own version of traffic rules....the Trans-Am with the loudest exhaust goes
next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after that...
3. All directions start with, "Go down to Kingston Pike".. which is the
Alpha and Omega. The beginning and the end.
4. Henley Street turns into Chapman Highway and may also be called
Highway 441. Broadway turns into Maynardville Highway and may also be
called Highway 33. Cumberland Avenue turns into Kingston Pike and may
also be called Highway 70. Magnolia Avenue turns into Asheville Highway and may
also be called Highway 11E.
5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour
is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6. If you stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out,
and possibly shot. 7. Gallaher View Road can only be correctly
pronounced by a native.
8. Construction on I-40 / 75 is a permanent fixture of Knoxville life.
The barrels are moved around in the middle of the night to make the
next days driving a bit more exciting.
9. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks,
dogs,barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other
cars, old police cars, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits and crows
feeding on any of these items.
10. Three intestates converge to run through the Greater Knoxville
area. As such we see a bounty of tractor trailer accidents and spills. Recent
spills on our beloved intestates include trailers full of Cattle,
Liquor,Live artillery shells, Rolling
Rockbottlecaps,phosphoricAcid,Styrofoam peanuts, and the creme de la
creme of spills - Corn Syrup.
11. Do not slow down on I 640 when you get close to the Western Avenue
overpass. The Knoxville Police dept. parks empty Police cars
strategically around town. If you are drinking a beer or eating a donut throw it at
the empty police car as you pass.
12. If someone actually has their turn signal on wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated".
13. Local traffic reports and Knoxville natives will often refer to the
Pellissippi Parkway. You will however, find no road signs marked as
such. Pellissippi Parkway is actually Interstate 140, but don't refer to it
as that when talking to locals because they will have no idea what you are
talking about.
14. The minimum acceptable speed on the Pellissippi Parkway is 85.
Anything less is considered downright sissy.
15. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for city
driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
17. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Dogwood Arts Festival
is going on.
18. Any and all shopping should be done in West Knoxville. The
Metropolitan Planning commission in conjunction with experts in urban
sprawl have paved every piece of usable property between UT and the
Loudon County line. All shopping should be done in the large
homogenized, box type structures erected here.
19. Knoxville Center Mall is actually in East Knoxville. West Town Mall
is just to the east of Downtown West.
20. Halls has IT. (IT apparently refers to the highest number of
Baptist
Churches per person and the lowest percentage of "minorities".)
21. No one who lives in the town of Farragut is actually from East
Tennessee or even the South. Admiral Farragut was a Union Soldier. Yep,
they're all Yankees.
22. It is better to stay off the roads on Saturdays in the fall, as 3
out of 4 drivers have had way too much Jack Daniels at the ballgame and
the fourth driver is a cop.
23. Never, and we mean NEVER plan a wedding for a weekend when UT plays
football. That is what open dates are for.
24. There is nothing up in the Sunsphere. Don't try to go up there.
25. It is a good and honorable thing to work on a mobile home sales
lot.
26. Yeah the mountains are pretty, but how 'bout them Outlet Malls!
27. Don't ask anyone about Oak Ridge. Two headed deer and three eyed
carp do appear naturally in the wild.
28. Never point and laugh at anything painted Orange, no matter how
bizarre or tasteless, unless you want to get your fanny kicked.
29. Just know that Johnny Majors is a drunk and that's all he'll ever
be.
30. It's pronounced "NEEland" Stadium.
31. The Chamber of Commerce says parking after dark in the Old City
should be "pretty safe".
32. In order to run for any political office in Knoxville or Knox
County you can have no more than a 5th grade education and you must
mispronounce at least every other word. (See Mary Lou Horner).
33. Our Mayor has been convicted of violating the Civil Rights of some
employees of the Knoxville Fire Department. This carries on Knoxville's
rich tradition of political infighting and corruption.
34. If you see a really interesting old building in Knoxville there is
no doubt a plan to tear it down.
35. The two tallest buildings in Knoxville and the 1982 World's Fair
were built by two brothers who promptly filed bankruptcy and went to
prison for bank fraud. If your last name happens to be Butcher you
might want to keep on moving.