A CLAY AIKEN CHRISTMAS CAROL
a fiction by Audra
Chapter 1
Clay Aiken was in a very foul mood. A freak snowstorm had left him stranded in Los Angeles on Christmas Eve and the thought of spending Christmas alone for the first time, instead of with his family, had him feeling like a Scrooge. While he had eaten a late lunch of Mac n’ Cheese, he had opened gifts from his favorite fans – the always-inventive Broads, to try to lighten his mood. Even now a smile crept across his face as he fingered the purple ties, shirts, socks, and assorted versions of undergarments. His brow scrunched as he looked at the multitude of Hanes t-shirts that had been shredded and place in a zip-lock bag. Clay sighed.
“How in the world am I supposed to wear those now?”
He lovingly picked up a small knitted “thing” and once again read the attached card…’Clipple Warmers – lovingly knitted by Melissa’…
“Clipple warmers…what the hell are those exactly?!?” giggled Clay.
He reached over for the purple chenille throw and reclined in front of the fireplace, attempting to ward off the ‘blahs’, but as he felt his eyes getting heavy, he couldn’t help but dread the holiday tomorrow and wish that he could sleep through Christmas and skip the hoopla altogether this year. And so, as Raleigh curled up around Clay’s feet, he drifted off into a deep sleep.
Meanwhile, on a ranch so very close, and yet, so very far away…
Dr. Audra was leaning against the doorframe of the kitchen, careful not to actually set foot inside, as Wendy was in a mood and carrying a spatula. Audra had wanted to discuss her concerns for several days, but was apprehensive, with Wendy armed and all.
“So Wendy, um, I’m a little worried about Kelly…”
“Aren’t we all?”
It had become obvious to all the Broads that Kelly was emotionally and physically “crippled” due to her strenuous search for Waldo, but no one was sure if there was a cure.
“Look in there and see for yourself, but be sure to stay out of the kitchen…the KKs are at a delicate stage of the cooking process.”
Audra glanced over into the bubbling vat of hot grease and saw several golden disks beginning to bobble to the top. It was going to be a yummy Christmas. After tearing her eyes away from the stovetop, Audra looked into the family room located off the kitchen. There sat Kat and Danielle with a stack of magazines and pictures obviously trying to talk to Kelly. While Kelly was nice and responsive, she lacked a certain spark she had once displayed.
“Da…I mean crap, Wendy, what are we going to do? The boy keeps putting on more and more clothes…if she doesn’t see some skin soon…”
“Yeah, it’s getting pretty desperate…for all of us. I mean it’s winter and this is Clay we’re talking about, even if he does live in LA. We’ve gotten so accustomed to getting by on a flash here and a peek there, but it’s starting to take its toll.”
They both sighed, lost in their own thoughts and daydreaming about 100+degree days, 90% humidity, shorts, and open collared shirts.
That was all it took to awaken Clay from his dreamless sleep. The room was much darker now, lit only by the dwindling glow from the fireplace, and Clay had no idea how long he had been asleep.
“What in the world…” Clay started, but then he noticed a familiar figure standing at his feet in front of the fire, holding a squirming Raleigh.
“Kim! What are you doing here! Not that I’m not glad to see you, but you’re supposed to be at home with your family and…”
“Hold on there, Clay. This is your delusional apparition, not mine. I’m not really here, but I know why I’m here and that’s what’s important.”
“Okay, I give. Why are you here and what do you mean ‘delusional apparition’?”
“I mean you conjured me here with your twisted little brain and this, Clay Aiken,” she said as she approached him quickly and stooped down until she was face to face with him, “this is why I am here.”
Clay looked down and saw Kim unbuttoning his shirt, which previously had only one modest, button undone.
“Um, Kim, ya’ know I like you and all, but, um, this is not the Christmas present I wanted, really, I just wanted some more SpaceNK, I mean it, truly…”
“Oh, stop it, Clay. Look at this 4, yes, that’s right, 4 undershirts…and a fireplace…and you still only had the top button undone. Neil Sedaka shows more than you. What is wrong with you? Women find you sexy. Why can’t you deal with that and let them see a little skin?”
“Aw, Kim. I don’t know. I certainly feel sexy. How could I not? All those women are after me, throwing their panties, but I’m just not ready and I’m not sure the women are ready either. What if they don’t like what the see?”
“You could be the Hunchback of Notre Dame singing the 50 states in alphabetical order and these women would still think you were adorable. The Broads deserve it, you know.”
“Well. I’m just not sure…”
“OK. You asked for it. You need more convincing, more convincing you shall have. You will be visited by three more ‘delusional apparitions’ and each one will try to show you the error of your ways. You have until sunrise, Aiken. Now, I’m going back to my family…sorry about your trip to North Carolina.”
“Um, yeah. Thanks, I think. Have a nice time with your family.”
Clay felt himself growing inexplicably sleepy. He could barely open his eyes to look at Kim. However, before sleep claimed him at last, he managed to whisper…
“Hey, Kim. You ever hear of Clipple warmers?”
Chapter 2
Some time later, Clay drowsily rolled over in his sleep. He could feel someone running fingers through his hair and softly humming ‘Moon River’.
“Mmmmm, that’s nice.”
“I know, Clay, darling, but you really must wake up now.”
“What?…Diane?…How?…Why?”
Diane Sawyer was seated next to Clay slowly twisting small sections of his hair and then combing through it with her fingers. She was wearing a Grecian-style dress in pale lavender and lace-up sandals.
“All will be answered in due time, Clay. I’m your ‘apparition’ of times past…by the way, I like the outfit you chose for me…very flattering.”
“Diane, I still don’t understand. Wait, where are we going?”
Diane pulled Clay up off the floor and led him by the hand out the door and to an awaiting horse and carriage.
“I always loved these things…they’re sooo romantic. Come on Clay, we have a lot to do and see in a short amount of time. Better get hopping or Kim will be on my butt.”
The horse and carriage slowly moved away from the house, but was quickly enveloped in a thick blanket of fog. Clay could hardly see his fingers in front of his face and could only hear the steady rhythm of the horse. Soon, the warm inviting glow of a house could be seen. The carriage slowed down and stopped in front of the quaint house.
“Come on, Clay, let’s go visit a Broad…Robin…I think you’ll enjoy this.”
Clay climbed down the stairs and quietly walked up to the glowing windows.
“Hey, she’s watching ‘American Idol’. Hey, she’s watching me!”
About this time, Robin slid off the couch and landed in a heap by the television screen.
“Oh my goodness, we need to help her! I think she just passed out!”
“Ahhhh, yes. Disco night. Clay, those pants fit you very well. Yes, very well. The Broads were very pleased that night. It was a coming out party, of sorts, for you.”
“Yes, well, they fit a little too well, if you ask me. I tried to find a longer shirt, but they told me I had to wear the shiny, shorter one.”
Diane sighed.
“The effect was very…stimulating for the Broads, as you can see. Don’t worry about Robin; she’ll be OK, I promise. We need to get moving.”
They once again took off at a slow pace as the fog encased them. Clay had time to reflect on Robin and the look of ecstasy on her face as she had collapsed on the floor.
“Maybe…just, maybe…no, can’t wear that stuff, just can’t.”
“Did you say something, Clay?”
Before Clay could answer, the carriage came to a halt in front of yet another house. Clay helped Diane out of the carriage and they proceeded to the door.
“You can just go on in. No one can see you, hear you, or feel you.”
As he opened the door, Clay sang softly, “If I was invisible…”
Diane giggled, “Very good, Clay. Now, this is Nelle’s house. She tries to keep the Broads under control, which is no small feat. However, I think you’ll find her somewhat distracted today.”
As the entered what looked like a study, Clay noticed a woman staring at a magazine and slowly rocking back and forth.
“What’s…what’s wrong with her?”
“Well, Clay, Nelle just found her copy of Rolling Stone. You remember the one? The one with the open shirt – I believe two buttons on the top and two on the bottom.”
“No, No, No – two on the top and one on the bottom. You know I don’t like that stuff, that’s why there’s only one photo like that!”
“Funny how that’s the one photo they used. Funny how you sold more copies than Timberlake.”
“Is she, is she happy?” asked Clay looking at Nelle, but scared to get any closer.
“You’ll have to go and find out, Clay.”
Clay tentatively stepped closer to Nelle. At this angle he could see the tears of joy streaming down her face. He could also see the four other copies sitting next to her computer. She looked blissfully happy. Clay now had a smile of his own.
“I guess she likes it.”
“Yes, they all did. It gave them hope of things to come. Sadly, it was not meant to be…”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s time to go.”
Diane was already walking out the door. As soon as Clay stepped through, he realized he was back in his own living room. He felt disoriented and dizzy, so he sat back down and covered up with the throw once again. He tried to stay awake and concentrate on all that Diane had shown him, but he was too tired and drifted off into another dreamless sleep.
Chapter 3
Clay could feel the warm breath on his neck. He could hear a sniffing noise.
“Raleigh,” he mumbled, “go away and leave me alone.”
He tried to push the puppy away, but he instantly knew this was not a canine.
“Clay Aiken! Is that how you treat old friends?”
“Meredith? Meredith Vieira?”
Clay struggled to sit up, but was somewhat impeded by the hot dog suit Meredith was wearing. Clay vividly remembered the outfit from his ‘View’ performance.
“That’s me, and Clay, honey, could you get me out of this hot dog suit? Please?”
“Sorry.”
Clay’s brow furrowed as he concentrated. And with that, Meredith’s hot dog suit disappeared and she was dressed in a beautifully cut Armani suit in a deep purple color. A pair of 3” Prada sling backs completed the ensemble.
“Ooooo, Clay. Much better. Thank you. So, are you ready for your journey to times present?”
“I don’t know. Am I?”
“Come on, Clay. Quit stalling. I got a talk show and a game show to get on the air, so lets get moving.”
And so, Meredith marched Clay out the door and into the waiting limo. She quickly procured a glass of champagne and handed Clay a glass of Wild Cherry Pepsi.
“God, I just love limos. So, Clay, excited about our little trip?”
“I don’t know…the first one was nice, but…”
“Well, don’t worry. We’re just going to catch up with a few Broads and see what they’re up to this blessed night. And, ooooh, it looks like we’re at Raleighgurrl’s house right now. So, let’s go!”
Clay climbed out of the limo and approached the stately home. Meredith had already opened the front door, so Clay followed quickly, not wanting to lose sight of his guide.
They finally found Raleighgurrl scrutinizing pictures of Clay on her computer. It appeared to be pictures of his Letterman appearance and the Mix 101.5 mall appearance. He had worn the same black silk turtleneck to both.
“Look at her. So content, Clay. Even with all those clothes you have on she’s still happy.”
“See they don’t need to see me half naked to like me…”
Clay stopped as he realized Raleighgurrl was muttering under her breath.
“I know there’s a nipple somewhere…the Tramp said there was a nipple…got to find that nipple…Ooooo, and I wonder what’s under that turtleneck…I think I see it, but things are getting blurry…”
“She needs to stop. She’s going to ruin her eyesight. Didn’t her momma ever warn her about those things?”
“What? Warn her about searching for Sexy Pants nipples on the computer? No, I doubt her mother warned her about that one, Clay.”
“Wait! I know her! She threw me a kiss and I caught it and kissed her back, but she didn’t catch mine!”
“Wonder where that one landed.”
“Stop it! Why is she acting this way? She saw me. I acknowledged her. I don’t get it…”
“No you don’t, Clay. They love you, but they need to see a little more of you to preserve their sanity…and eyesight. Come on, we’ve got one more stop to make, Sexy Pants.”
“Quit calling me that.”
The entered the waiting limo and proceeded on their way. Clay could see nothing through the tinted windows, but soon felt the big car slowing.
“Ahhh, we must be at Erin’s house. She’ll be up, I’m sure.”
They exited the limo and made their way toward the house. Clay was becoming more and more nervous the more ‘visits’ he went on. He loved his Broads. Didn’t he always wear purple for them? Didn’t he tell them as much in Atlanta? He only wanted to make them happy.
“Snap out of it Clay! We’re here to see Erin.”
Clay glanced around the small living room. He didn’t even remember walking through the door he had been so preoccupied. His eyes finally settled on Erin seated on her sofa intently watching what appeared to be clips of Clay’s performances. Well, it appeared to be two of his performances.
“Why is she watching the ‘Wayne Brady’ and ‘Ellen’ clips over and over and over?”
Clay watched as Erin once again hit rewind and squealed as TV Clay lifted his arm to wave to the crowd.
“See it? Right there, Clay. You showed one millimeter of skin, by accident, of course, wouldn’t want anyone to think you’re…shhh…sexy.”
“But, what about the other clip…oh my, when I showed my under ware you could see my shirt. Is that what she’s panting about?”
“Um, no, Clay. If you use super slo-mo, you can actually see another millimeter of skin between the briefs and the shirt.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“And they use this super slo-mo?”
“All the time. It’s the only bone you’ll throw them. Well, she sure looks happy…a little over stimulated perhaps, but happy nonetheless. Out with you, Aiken.”
Clay felt like he was in a nightmare. We walked blindly back to the limo, but when he ducked his head to rejoin his guide, he found himself in his own living room once again. Clay wasn’t sure he wanted to meet Kim’s last ‘delusion’. He was exhausted and all he wanted was to sleep. He once again drifted into a dreamless slumber.
Chapter 4
“Come on, Daddy, its time to wake up. Don’t make me spank you!”
Clay barely had time to register the voice before he felt a stinging sensation on his butt.
“Ow! Woman, don’t hit me. I’m awake, I’m awake.”
“Ah, Clay, so we meet again. I love my outfit, honey. It matches all my mental images of you. Rrrrrrr.”
Clay rolled over to see Kathy Griffin standing over him in a bustier top accented with bright purple laces and black leather pants. Purple stiletto heeled boots made her look even more intimidating.
“Very funny. Did I ever thank you for the understated intro at the ABAs? My mom loved hearing about our night together. I think she’s getting us monogrammed towels for Christmas.”
“Hey, sorry about your mom, but you loved it and I know it and you know it, so come clean.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I almost dipped you for a huge kiss when I made it up to the podium, but mom would have died right there.”
“Well, as much as I’d love to reminisce and spank you some more, we have to go visit times future. Up, big boy!”
“Kathy, I’m not sure I want to go…I haven’t been having much fun on these ‘visits’.”
“Clay, did you know this outfit comes with a riding crop? Get your butt out the door!”
Clay reluctantly walked outside and stopped in front of a deep plum Thunderbird convertible.
“Wow!”
“Eeeee! I know. Isn’t it gorgeous? Okay, Daddy, get in and lets go!”
Clay rolled his eyes and slipped into the leather interior. Kathy was not a very good driver. No, that’s not true. Kathy was a horrible driver. Clay instantly felt nauseous and closed his eyes hoping it would ease the sensation.
“Kathy, could you please slow down? You’re really making me sick.”
“Well, Daddy, we only have one stop to make…and ‘Viola!’ We’re here!”
Clay peeked out from one eye, but it was so dark he couldn’t make out where they were. He definitely knew there were no houses around and it made him a little nervous. He finally took a deep breath, opened both eyes, and unfolded himself from the Thunderbird.
Clay found himself standing in a private cemetery. This was not going to be good.
“Why are we here?”
Clay’s voice was barely above a whisper, however, the night was so still he sounded like he was shouting.
“Why else? We’re here to visit your Broads, Clay.”
“But…but, this is a graveyard…”
“Yes, unfortunately, you teased the Broads so mercilessly, they just couldn’t take it anymore. One by one they succumbed to their fate.”
Clay glanced at the headstones. There were so many! He saw familiar names from earlier in the night and names he had never seen before.
“My, God! Some of them are so young. This one, Kelly, why did she have to die?”
“Oh, Kelly. Yes, she was a particularly sad case. She was the first to go, ya know. She kept vainly looking for glimpses of shadows and implied body parts, but finally she gave into the illness and no one could save her.”
“And there’s one with a spatula on the headstone.”
“Ha! That’s Wendy. She lasted a little longer, she had a thing for your ears, particularly your earpieces, and so she could be satiated most of the time. Danielle, over there, she loved your shoes and she was nearly the last to go. It helped if the object of their obsession was an article of clothing. Kat, right over there with the KKs, she loved your ass…well, as we know, you love to cover that up every chance you get, so the fact she lasted as long as she did is a testament to her willpower.” “Audra…Raleighgurrl…Nelle…Erin…Robin…There are so many of them.”
“Yes, you were well loved by the Broads.”
“I…I did this, didn’t I?”
“In a way. You slowly tortured them with an insidious kind of reverse strip tease. You were so determined to prove you weren’t a sex symbol; you drove them all mad. And everyone still thinks you’re a sex symbol anyway.”
“OH, NO! What have I done to my Broads? Is there anyway to fix this? Kathy? Kathy?!?”
Clay called in vain, as Kathy had disappeared and Clay was left alone in the dark cemetery. He began to run wildly from tombstone to tombstone reading the names and screaming his apologies to each and every Broad. He stumbled and fell to the hard ground hitting his head and passing out. He had fitful dreams of beautiful women holding out their hands to him and calling his name, but he couldn’t quit reach them. He knew he had to save them.
Chapter 5
Clay fell off the sofa, thrashing about, tangled in the throw. There was sunlight streaming through the windows. It was Christmas Day. He felt different. He felt like he had a mission. He remembered the previous night and wondered if it was just a dream. Then he looked down and saw he had a spatula in one hand and a KK in the other. It wasn’t a dream. His Broads needed him. He ran for his cell phone and started punching numbers.
“Kevin Hees, please. Kevin, it’s Clay. Look, I know its Christmas, but I need a huge favor…”
Back at the ranch, Audra was getting ready to head down to the kitchen. Wendy had relented and agreed to let her help with breakfast. Well, she was making the cheese grits. She was just about out the door when she remembered to check her e-mail. There was one new message from a KHEES. It had an attachment.
“Who is that? Could be a virus. Why does that name sound familiar?”
She opened the file, figuring Wendy or Kat or someone could fix it if she crashed her computer and began to read the message. A smile slowly spread across her face.
“Merry Christmas to me!!!” she squealed as she hurriedly printed out the numerous attachments.
Audra hurried to the kitchen, almost blindsiding Wendy in the process.
“Where have you been? Ya know what, never mind. Get your patookis over there and get to work on those cheese grits. If I had the time I’d do it myself. I knew better than to let anyone else in my kitchen, especially on Christmas Day.”
“Oh, Wendy, don’t get your knickers in a bind. Look what I have. Better yet, guess who sent them.”
Audra slowly handed Wendy each of the 100 odd pictures she had in her hand. Wendy gasped at each picture and tried to hide a few while Audra was working on the grits, but got busted when she knocked down the entire overhead pot rack in the process.
“Okay, the grits are done. How about we go give the Broads their Christmas presents? You think this may save Kelly?”
“Well, if this doesn’t…I don’t know what will.”
The two of them carried the large breakfast into the dinning room where the rest of the Broads were settled in ready to eat.
“Ahem, we have an extra bonus for you this beautiful morning. Clay has sent us a Christmas present. I believe everyone will find a little something that renews their spirit and lifts their soul. At the least it’ll make you all tingly, all over!”
Audra passed around the first picture.
“Oh, my, God. That’s a gauzy, see-through shirt…” gasped Nelle.
“Clipples…Clipples…Clipples” screamed Melissa.
“And those…those are the tightest pants he’s ever worn…it’s even better than ‘disco night’!” cried Robin with tears streaming down her face.
Erin squeaked, “He’s lifting his shirt up like on ‘Ellen’, but this time it’s way up.”
“OMGHSFG…I forgot the rest” gushed Raleighgurrl “I guess that’s enough…OMGHSFG!”
“Here, Wendy, I hid these from you…it’s a couple of close-ups of his ear…one with and one without the earpiece.”
“And dear, dear, Kat…you will never need another ass shot ever again. Although he seemed to be having such fun taking these, we may get another ‘present’ on Valentine’s Day.”
“I really think he’s spankin’ his own ass in this one” whispered Kat in awe.
“There’s a picture for everyone no matter your preference…there’s a close up of every imaginable body part. And see, Danielle, I think he took a picture of himself wearing every pair of shoes he owns. ”
Audra approached the corner of the room where Kelly was seated. She gently handed her a stack of pictures she had kept in a file.
“Kelly, these are your own personal copies of every picture he sent…are you OK?”
Kelly wiped the joyful tears from her face and beamed at the Broads assembled around her. She had never felt so happy.
“Well, I guess there’s only one thing I can say:
God Bless Clay!
God Bless Waldo!
And God Bless the Broads, Everyone!”
The End – Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!