Altercation in the Alley

(a fiction by Cella)


As I poured a second round of sodas for everyone by the kitchen sink, I heard Clay speak up to the half-dozen guests situated in the little lounge in the back of the bus. “If you'll excuse me, guys, I'm going to step outside for a little bit.” He walked forward, past the bunks, then by me just as I lifted the tray.

I need to talk to you outside,” he said quietly as he kept walking. The tone in his voice and the way his phrasing demanded, more than requested, gave me some pause for concern as he passed by.

Sure, Clay. I'll be there as soon as I can.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The cool night air and quiet gave him no relief from the aggravation building within him. He paced, then walked into the darkened alley adjacent from the tour bus. He leaned against the brick wall, occasionally crouched, and couldn't stop the angry sighs spilling from him. The longer he waited, the madder he became. He could hear each minute tick away in his brain, growing louder than the next – by his watch, it had been nearly fifteen since he went outside.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Is everyone ok now? I'll be right back and see what's keeping Clay.”

It sure is hot on the bus, I thought as I stepped outside. The night air was refreshing. I stood just outside the bus door and saw no one, then went around to the front of the bus – still no Clay. I doubled back around and saw the alley.

What took you so long?” he asked me in a surly tone.

I...I came out here as soon as I could. We have guests inside, remember? I have to be a good hostess.”

How long do they have to stay?”

Clay, they've been looking forward to this for two weeks – so have I – and I thought you did, too. I just can't kick them out.”

I need you to shut the party down early. I'm just not in the mood for guests tonight.”

Clay, what's wrong with you? You're just...not yourself tonight.”

The intensity of his gaze made my heart race with worry. His jaw seemed more angular and his lips were pursed tight – it was as if he was trying to hide gnashing teeth and that at any moment he'd strike at me like a crocodile to its prey.

Maybe I'm actually being more myself than you realize,” he replied.

My eyes widened and my mouth went agape. “What? What in the world is that supposed to mean?”

It means...” He expelled a long, frustrated sigh and looked at the dimly-shining blue light bulb across the way. “Never mind.”

Please, Clay, tell me what's wrong.” I gathered my courage and stepped closer to him, hoping a little compassionate embrace would help, but his body became rigid as I tried to slip my arms around his waist.

Don't do that,” he said with a flinch. He took a few steps deeper into the alley.

Now I was really scared. This beautiful man I truly cared about was so angry, and now I've discovered that his anger is toward me and I have no idea why. He's always so open with his emotions – I just couldn't understand what circumstance led him to shut me out so cruelly. My heart ached with his rejection and tears welled in my eyes.

Clay, please tell me what's the matter. Please tell me what I've done wrong – I'll do anything to fix it – please, if I've hurt you, I'm so sorry.”

You don't even know what you're apologizing for.”

Obviously I've done something. What have I said? What have I done? You...you seemed fine until maybe half an hour ago. We were all just sitting around chatting about the tour. Did I say something then that you didn't like? Did I say something I shouldn't have?”

Keep going. You're getting warmer.”

Well, we were all talking about the tour. The cities we've visited and people I got to meet, how you helped me get accustomed to this schedule – that you took me under your wing, so to speak, since this was my first tour. What else did we talk about...”

You talked about us...”

Oh no, did I say something about our relationship I shouldn't have?

Lord knows we've both been discreet in public. I've been willing to not hold hands or show any affection toward him in public if it meant keeping pictures and rumors out of the tabloids. He doesn't need that – his life is his business, and well, I'd rather not have that kind of spotlight shined on me, either. I've never said anything about us that Clay didn't say first; I mean, he actually alluded to our relationship – well, A relationship – on that radio show in Albuquerque. It must be enough that we're living on the same bus together for people to wonder, but to use the term “special someone” like he did, it surprised me when I found out. It's just...our relationship is just too new to allow myself the luxury of walking in public hand-in-hand with Clay Aiken, Pop Superstar and A-List Celebrity.

You said, 'It's nice we're all off tomorrow and we can sleep late. Time doesn't matter tonight'.”

Is that what made you mad? But we ARE off tomorrow.”

He rolled his eyes. “You just don't get it.”

I wanted so bad to yell at him, but I was deflated. He didn't anger easily, so his reason, however confusing it was, was still legitimate enough to warrant my compassion. What's important to him is important to me. Whatever it takes to keep this relationship alive.

No, Clay, I don't get it and I'm sorry I don't. Please, sweetie, please tell me why that made you mad. Was it because...you're tired and you want some extra sleep? Did something go wrong during the slew of interviews this morning? I know you had to get up extra early for all those...”

No, that's not it,” he interrupted. His eyes closed and he sighed. Something suddenly changed, I could tell – Clay softened, but not all the anger and hurt had left him.

You see, the worst thing is...is that in order for me to tell you what's wrong, I have to tell you...something else I DIDN'T want to tell you...not this way.”

My heart raced again. Is he going to bolt on me? Is this relationship going to end before it really has a chance to start? Is he even going to want me around the rest of the tour?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The attraction started soon after we met, two weeks before the tour started. That first day, I confided to one of the guys that I had never done a tour before, much less a five-month tour, and was feeling quite nervous about it. Well, that guy turned out to be Clay's “Dance Captain,” Jacob. And of course, guys being guys – don't tell me guys aren't as gossipy as women – Jacob sometime after our little talk told Clay what I said. Next thing I knew, my boss, “Mr. Aiken,” made extra efforts and spent extra time helping me adjust to the new routine. Touring was old hat to him and he was happy to share the wisdom of his experience and give me some moral support. At first, I thought he was just being the nice guy everyone said he was, but a couple times...he had this sparkle in his eye. Well, one day I must've sparkled back.

I don't know exactly when we became a couple, but if I had to pinpoint a time, it would be the night we arrived in Columbus, ten days into the tour. The bus arrived at the Hyatt at three in the morning, and we all dragged our sorry selves into the hotel. I helped Clay out by carrying up a couple small bags to his room while he carried up a very sleepy, very spoiled, Raleigh. The door to his room shut behind me as I set the bags by his closet.

I still remember what happened after that...I'll always remember. He laid Raleigh on the bed and gave her a few pets. I said something like 'goodnight' or 'sweet dreams' and grabbed for the door handle, but then Clay asked me to stay a minute. He walked to me and took my hand. Through those so-heavy lids and long lashes, I could see it was taking all his will to not fall asleep standing up. I wanted to just walk him over to the bed and tuck him and Raleigh in.

Then through those sleepy eyes, I saw that sparkle I had become accustomed to seeing. “Thank you for helping me with those,” he said, and I said, “It's no problem.” His hand found my other hand and he gave both a squeeze, then said, in almost a whisper, “I want you to know – you've become very special to me.” I know that for as sleepy as I was, I still must've been beaming. “I feel the same way about you, Clay,” I quietly replied. “You're very special to me, too.” He leaned a little toward me, but hesitated, then he said, “I hope you don't mind if I...” And that's when he kissed me. It was...his lips against mine were so tender and warm...and knowing how he felt about me...it was just such a perfect moment, I couldn't fall asleep for an hour, I just kept reliving it in my mind and heart, and wondered if it was really real. When we all got back on the bus the next morning and he saw me, I knew it was real. He just looked so incredibly joyful. I remember he giggled a lot that day, too.

After that, we just stole or made moments as we could. And they were only moments many a time, but I'm not complaining. Being his fifth tour, Clay already knew all too well it would be hard to have “alone time” when you're surrounded by the other tour members, his management, the press, his fans...oh yeah, and then working the concert. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't difficult for me sometimes, but the happiness created in the slivers of time spent together was enough to strengthen me through all the time in between, and I think for him, too. Sometimes, just a smile and a wink at each other was enough to keep us together.

About five weeks into the tour, we managed to carve out a little somewhat routine “alone time” on the bus, usually after midnight after we left a venue. While Sarge took us down the highway and after everyone else went to bed, we'd close the partition, sit in the lounge with the tv on low and hold hands, hold each other, kiss some...the occasional run to second base. I was too afraid we'd get caught if we did much more than that – some people were restless sleepers, we discovered. As much as I wanted on a number of nights to just crawl up into his bunk, it just wasn't worth attempting.

The lounge late at night became our little sanctuary. A couple times we even fell asleep as we sat there all tangled together. The first time it happened, I woke up first and just kept my place. I listened to the sound of his heartbeat and felt the steady rhythm of his chest rising and falling as he slept. It was the most fantastic feeling. I stirred a little and he woke up...and I confess, I pretended to be asleep. I heard him whisper my name and felt him rub his hand lightly against my arm, then he smoothed my hair and I “woke up.” God, that was a wonderful night. The second time we fell asleep together we got caught – by Jerome, of all people – he's usually in bed sawing logs by the time we're half an hour outside of any city. (Actually, come to think of it, after his surprise subsided, Jerome just smiled a little and quietly closed the curtain.)

During this really difficult schedule, time spent in the lounge had been the one bit of beautiful serenity we both looked forward to; and for as physically and emotionally exhausting as this whole tour has been, a part of me doesn't want it to end, if it means no more lounge.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

First of all, I have to be honest with you – I lied to you earlier.”

You lied earlier? When? About what?”

Remember when you said I seemed surprised when you reminded me about the party tonight and I said that I remembered about the party...well, I didn't. Blame it on me being so busy the last few days or not talking with you as much; blame it on me just being a dumb guy, but I forgot it was tonight. For some reason, I thought it was next week. Even with all the tours under my belt, when we're really out on the road, half the time I don't know what day it is or what city we're in.”

Ok, you forgot. So...you weren't expecting company, and what, you were tired and didn't feel like having company but you didn't want to tell me?”

Well...it's more than that.”

More? God what could it be? It seemed like every time I thought I was making a little progress, I got even more worried. His anger had at least subsided.

I had...plans...for tonight.”

Plans? I still don't understand.”

He was quiet for a few moments. “Did you like the flowers that were delivered this afternoon?”

Flowers. Now we're talking about flowers. Can the boy be MORE cryptic? “Yes, the flowers are beautiful! I know I thanked you for them.”

The hotel concierge had brought out to the bus a huge, gorgeous vase full of summer blooms. All our guests commented about the bouquet on their way in, and their fragrance wafted throughout the bus all afternoon and evening. I even joked with everyone, saying that Clay did a great job choosing a bouquet, for being a guy. The flowers were a great surprise – it's not like we discussed getting any for decoration, but it really brightened the place up.

Did you read the card?”

Yeah, it was very sweet.”

Do you remember what it said?

I'm still as confused as ever, but we're making progress – I don't think we're arguing anymore.

Yes, it said, 'For tonight...It'll be wonderful...Love, Clay'.”

You didn't even acknowledge it.”

What are you talking about? After you came back from your shower in your room, I told you the flowers were beautiful and I thanked you.”

No, not the flowers...the note.”

Why would I have done that? The note said it all. That the flowers you sent were for the party tonight and that the party will be wonderful.”

Think about what you just said.”

I sighed. Now I was getting frustrated. “What? Clay, you sent the flowers for the party tonight and...wait a minute. You just said...you FORGOT about the party tonight.”

Yes, I did.”

So how could you have sent flowers if you forgot...you DIDN'T send the flowers?”

Clay burst out laughing. “You were ALMOST there. You wanna back up and try that again?”

Ok, so I at least made him laugh, but I wasn't getting any better. “So, you DID send the flowers, but they weren't intended for the party?” I leaned against the brick wall, exasperated. He watched me try to find the answer, but in the end, all I did was let out a long sigh. “I'm sorry, Clay, but I'm so confused now I hardly know which end is up.”

Clay reached into his right pants pocket and pulled something out. I couldn't see what it was – he just held it in his hand.

The day before we all headed out to the first gig, Sarge gave me the grand tour of the bus. He showed me everything about it. He was so thorough, you would've thought he built the bus with his own two hands.”

Great. Now we're talking about the bus. This is not helping. Clay turned to me, opened his right hand and showed me two large brass keys.

I wrestled these away from Sarge this afternoon.”

Are those the keys to the bus? What, so we could lock up the bus when the party was over and we went back to our rooms? Yeah, I can see Sarge putting up a fight when you asked for the keys...”

He snickered. “There you go again. There, but not quite there.”

I was at my wit's end and about in tears. “Clay, help me! Please stop being so cryptic!”

He suddenly realized how much the whole conversation was hurting me. He reached out and wrapped his arms completely around me as tight as he could. “Oh, my God, what have I done. Sweetie, I'm so so sorry – this is the last thing I ever wanted to do to you. I can't believe I let my temper get so far out of hand – I'm stronger than that and you don't deserve to be in the cross hairs of my temper. Lord, sweetie, I don't deserve it, but please forgive me for being so mean.”

I pulled away from him a little. My emotions were so mixed up inside, but knowing that he still cared about me gave me strength. “Please Clay, just tell me what all this is about. What were the flowers for? What are the keys for?”

He gingerly wiped the tears from under my eyes with his thumbs. “When...when Sarge finally got around to showing me the lounge, he showed me EVERYTHING in there. The tv, the storage compartments, the media center, and...other things that could...come in handy, one day. Like...today.”

I remembered his words on the card again. For tonight...It'll be wonderful...Love, Clay.

Somewhere in the middle of my thought, Clay's hand took mine. I thanked the Lord above when I saw that soft sparkle again in his beautiful jade eyes.

The keys aren't to lock up when the party's over...it's to lock us in.”

But why would we do that? We each have our own room in the hotel.”

He sighed and smiled. I guess I'd rather have my confusion amuse him than anger him.

Sweetie...Sarge showed me that one side of the couch in the lounge pulls out...to make a double bed.”

Oh, my God. My eyes went wide. Is he saying what I THINK he's saying?

Clay...you wanted us...tonight...you and I...”

He nodded with a little somewhat-guilty smile. His gaze alternated between my face and his feet. “My intention for us tonight was not...for sex, really...although...if it happened, I knew it would be wonderful. It's just...our little late-night naps in the lounge...well, in my heart, it's grown to become OUR little spot. For a while now, I've wished that we could be...alone, for just one night during this whole grueling tour, and when the opportunity presented itself, I thought...for our...first time...sleeping...together...it would be more meaningful if we...if it happened in the lounge, rather than in some strange hotel room.”

So, you were angry this whole time because you've...been trying to surprise me with this little...gift?” He nodded. “And I guess it didn't help the surprise with everyone showing up and staying half the night.”

Sweetie, like I said, I'm so sorry about my temper. I let it get the better of me and that's just unacceptable. I hope you can forgive me.”

You had me so worried. You were so angry – I thought maybe you didn't... I'm sorry your plans crapped out. God, Clay, I wish I could rewind this evening and let you be able to do it right.”

The back of his hand caressed my cheek. “It's ok, really. Actually, now that I'm not being an ass anymore, and now that you know...well, I know that no matter what time the party breaks up, it's still going to end the way I hoped it would.”

You just keep holding that thought. I saw on tv once that if you want to signal the end of a party, you put out coffee. If you can be patient for a while longer, I'll brew a pot and put the theory to the test.”

He giggled a bit as he leaned his back against the wall. “Make sure it's decaf.”

I giggled back, then I just looked at him and he smiled. Thank you, Lord, for getting us through this. Clay changed his stance as he relaxed against the wall. It looked like he was relieved that everything was now out in the open. He moved his legs outward a bit and reached for my hand.

Come'ere.”

What?” I playfully asked.

He pulled me. “Just come'ere. I won't bite.”

That actually sounds a little disappointing,” I teased as he coaxed me in between his outstretched legs. I didn't realize just how much of an angle he was at until I practically fell onto him as he pulled me close. I think my weight pinned him a bit to the wall.

Clay rolled his eyes. “Ok, I won't bite your head off.” A tempting grin came to his face. “But I just may have to nibble on that lovely neck of yours.” He laid butterfly kisses and light, playful bites on my neck and chin – how he made me shiver – where in the world did he learn to make my body react that way? His kisses finally traveled to my lips and our tongues languidly danced together.

Within the kisses, I could feel him against me. He caressed my back, then down, over my hips and bottom, then up again to my neck and shoulders. I don't know how it started – I think maybe I had begun to move involuntarily, but I discovered that his hips and mine were subtly swaying together. Every movement equal with mine. My hands traveled down to his hips, then in a bold moment, I slid my hands behind him and caressed that cute little butt of his. His angle against the wall and his gentle grind with me made it feel firm and strong under my grip. Sighs slipped from us with each new touch and feel. I was so lost in the moment. What in the world are we doing out here when we could be together inside...on the bed...but we...

Clay suddenly gasped as I ripped my mouth and body away from him. “Oh my God, Clay, our guests! What time is it now?”

Good Lord, Sweetie, don't ever do that again!” he panted. After he let out a cleansing sigh, he turned on the light on his watch and read the time. “It's...it's just after 11:30.”

Holy Moses, we need to get back with everyone! I hope they're still speaking to us after leaving them alone for so long. Goodness, what are we gonna tell them?”

Clay was still trying to recover from the disruption. “Well...ok, let's see. Tell them...tell 'em I got an important phone call and I had to go back to my room for something and it took forever to find me.”

Ok, I guess that'll work. We'd better go.”

Wait, sweetie. Um...why don't you go back inside first.”

Well...ok. But why can't we go in together? I mean, they know we're together.”

I know, but a certain...issue has...arisen...in the last few minutes, and it wouldn't be a good idea for me to be around mixed company until it's...um...settled.”

Oh, dear.” I had to snicker. “This night has been one surprise after another, hasn't it?”

Clay had to snicker a bit himself. “I think truer words were never spoken. You go on in. I'll just stay here and...relax here for a few minutes until things...come down, I mean, CALM down.”

Ok, Clay. Don't be too long...ooh! Sorry. Poor choice of words.” We gave each other a little kiss, then I went back into the bus.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

He sighed at his dilemma. Ok, Aiken, you know what you need to do. You have friends anxious to visit with you and you can't keep 'em waiting any longer. He walked far into the alley where it was darkest, then pulled a small cloth from his pocket. I won't be using this to clean my glasses anytime soon. He leaned himself strategically against the wall, with his back toward the alley entrance, then reached for the zipper on his jeans. Lord, if the National Tattler could see me now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Clay watched the small drip coffeemaker finish brewing as he washed his hands at the sink. He spoke up after he finally sat down with all of us in the lounge. “Guys, I'm so sorry I was gone so long. Something suddenly came up that I had to handle.” I nearly spit my soda, then glared at him a bit as his eyes met mine. “Oh, I think the coffee's done, sweetie. Would you like a hand with it?” he asked with an enormous, inviting grin.

God, Clay, how brazen can you be! I thought as a smiled politely at him. “Oh, no, that's ok. You stay put and I'll get the coffee.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The last guests left for their hotel rooms and Clay locked the bus door from the inside. He looked around to make sure all the windows were covered then came up from behind and wrapped his arms around me as I rinsed out the coffeepot. I felt him press a kiss into my hair, then on the nape of my neck. “Now I've got 'ya,” he whispered. A lovely little wave went through me. It did feel great to be here alone with him.

I laid my arms on top of his, still feeling his embrace and light kisses. “Tell me – when I left you in the alley – did you do what I think you did, or were you just giving me a hard time earlier.”

An evil little crooky smile played on his face. “Well...YOU definitely gave ME a hard time earlier.”

Oh, my God, now stop that! You're horrible! You said you were just going to relax for a few minutes.”

Well, uh...sometimes a guy needs to...help relaxation along.”

I held up my hands. “I don't wanna know any more! I wash my hands of it.”

Oh, I already did that. I was very thorough.”

I reached for the dishrag by the sink and whipped it over my head and smacked him good on his auburn noggin.

Oh, my eye!” he cried.

Oh, no! Clay, I'm sorry! I exclaimed as I spun around in his arms. “You're so much taller, I must've misjudged...”

Next thing I know I felt his lips on mine, his body pressing me against the kitchen counter. The passion in my heart made it race once again. He lifted his weight and his lips from me. “Gotcha,” he whispered. I leaned my head on his chest and closed my eyes. “Oh, thank God you're ok,” I sighed, then I slid my arms tight around his torso and pressed my ear against his chest. “Yeah, you do,” I whispered back. “Please don't ever let me go.”

I won't, sweetie. Not when it feels this right.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I changed and freshened up in the bathroom. I left my robe and jammie pants in the bunk tonight and opted for my frilly boy-briefs and “Columbus” logo baby tee I bought at the Hyatt gift shop the morning after our first kiss. Ok, call it a memento, if you must – I just had to have it when I saw it. I never have shown it to him or told him about it – I guess I wanted to keep it to myself, just in case he and I...you know...didn't work out. But now, wearing it tonight seems so appropriate. Maybe he'll be better at getting the connection than I did with his note.

I brushed my teeth with his cinnamon toothpaste – another little touch I thought of when I opened the medicine cabinet to grab my own. I hoped he wouldn't mind. I fixed my hair a bit, then came out of the bathroom and found that Clay had pulled out the bed and was resting flat on some plain white sheets – his left leg was pulled up and his right was stretched out flat. It was a little surreal, seeing a bed I never knew was there, and especially seeing that Clay wasn't wearing his usual mismatched oversize sweatshirt and plaid pajama bottoms. All he had on was a plain white undershirt and...oh, my...plum cotton boxers with “Hilfiger” on the waistband. It was a little more than my brain could handle – I just stood there speechless.

He sat up when he saw me. “That's a cute outfit. You're usually covered up more.” He looked at himself. “But then again, I usually am, too,” he giggled – at least, I think he giggled.

My heart raced again – I could feel my pulse strong in my neck, but not quite in a good way. Suddenly it felt like we were moving too fast. I guess it didn't help that I found out about all this little more than an hour ago. I wanted to reach into my bunk, grab my robe and cover myself from head to toe.

Sweetie?”

Oh, my God, what are we doing?

Honey, are you all right?”

I remember my legs were a little wobbly, then I felt something and my haze lifted. I discovered that Clay was standing in front of me and we were holding hands. His eyes finally caught mine.

Sweetie? You look a little pale. Are you all right?”

I...I don't know,” I hung my head and sighed. “It's just...I thought it would be easier than this. I thought I was all confused inside before, when we were arguing in the alley – but seeing you on the bed like that, I'm feeling even more confused now. When you told me about this, I was so excited that all I wanted to do was throw everyone out and...pick up where we left off out there. I guess I'm beginning to understand why you became so impatient and frustrated. I mean – I love my friends dearly, and I love your friends, but...but I'm not stupid, you know? But now...I'm a hell of a lot more nervous than I thought I'd be.”

Clay smiled a little. “I know what you mean. Somehow now, this feels a little...forced.”

Do you feel it, too? I'm glad you do, actually. At least I know I'm not going crazy or being a prude. I guess...maybe if your original plans had succeeded, it wouldn't feel this way.”

Sweetie...” he said as he gently embraced me, “I don't want you to be uncomfortable. Like I said before, when I set all this up, I honestly didn't do it for the specific intention of sex. I really mean that, and I'd swear on a stack of bibles that's the truth. I just wanted us to be able to spend all night asleep together, in here, in a more comfortable...position.”

Honestly, it was a little hard to believe that. I mean, he is a red-blooded American guy. Don't guys say just about anything to get in a girl's pants? But on the other hand, this is Clay we're talking about. For as much as I'm sure he's got red-blooded feelings, I also know his character, and his character is what makes me trust him implicitly.

Look,” he continued, “let's just keep this simple. Let's just do what we ordinarily do when everyone's gone to bed, only we'll be on the bed instead of on the couch. We'll just find something on tv and relax like we usually do, and...we can just let nature take its course. Whether that's sleep or...anything else...we'll let it just happen, or not happen. All I know is that I'm already content with just having you to myself, here tonight.”

I held him tighter and just felt him all wrapped around me. My worry slowly slipped away.

You haven't said anything. Are you feeling any better? Would you...rather I fold up the bed?”

I squeezed him even tighter. “No, I can do this. It can sort of be like...a pajama party.”

Yeah, there you go. I really don't want you to feel pressured. We can just take it easy.” He let go of me, but kept my right hand. “Here, you hop in there. I'll grab our pillows.”

I crawled into the bed and sat myself up against the wall, then found the remote and turned on the tv.

You know, I never did ask you. Who's taking care of Raleigh tonight?”

Jacob's got her. He owed me a favor.”

Does he...know about this?”

Well, all I said to him was could he take care of her overnight, and he said, 'Oh sure. I guess she could get underfoot on the bus tonight.' Now that I'm thinking about it, I suppose he could've been talking about the party.”

You know, he probably was, because I talked a little bit with him at breakfast about it. Boy, did you luck out – or should I say we.”

I guess you're right,” Clay giggled as he turned out all the lights. “Anyway...” Clay crawled into bed and sat next to me, then put his arm around me. I leaned my head in that now-familiar soft spot just under his left collarbone. The tv was our only light.

Frasier or Friends,” I asked. “Everything else is infomercials.”

Either is fine,” he replied. I felt Clay press a kiss into my temple as I left the channel on Frasier, turned the volume to low and set down the remote. I wrapped my left arm around his waist and looked up at him. His hand caressed my cheek, then his finger lifted my chin, and he gave me a soft kiss.

How are you feeling now?” he whispered.

Better.”

Good. I'm glad.”

We sat there a little bit in silence as we watched the show.

Boy. You must really like me if you were willing to part with your little horrendously spoiled baby girl tonight.”

I expected to hear a giggle from him, but instead he was quiet. “It looks like there was one other thing about the note I guess you didn't notice.”

I thought again a moment about what the card said. I wondered if what I was thinking was right, then I looked up and saw the confirmation in his eyes. I held him tight and choked back my tears to speak.

You don't have to tell me – if you can believe it, tonight I finally figured something out on my own. It was the...'Love, Clay' part. That's the first time you've said...”

I could feel his head nod against mine. “Yes, Sweetie, and here comes the second time – the far less subtle time.” He gently pressed his lips to my ear, then I heard him in a whisper...

I love you, Sweetie. I've fallen head over heels in love with you.”

My hand covered my mouth as the tears still flowed. I could feel Clay grabbing at me as I held him. He brought my legs around and laid them across his lap, then he held me tight. “Oh, God, Clay...I love you, too,” I said through my tears. “I love you so much, but all the time I just couldn't...with everything happening around us, I thought it would be best to let you drive this relationship, and hope that you'd feel the same way I...”

We looked at each other – the joy in his smile, mixed with the tears on his face formed one gorgeous vision, and made for a most delicious kiss. We turned off the tv, slipped under the cool sheet and tangled our bodies together tight. That wondrous first night together, we explored each other deeper than ever before, then drifted into an exquisite slumber, with promise of the future on our lips and love in our hearts.

To think that just a couple hours earlier, I was in that dark alley, staring at his crocodile's gaze – nearly convinced that I had lost my dearest Clay. That night – both awful and beautiful – was a turning point to a far richer relationship that my heart will always cherish.


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~Posted 5.20.2004~

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