Present Grief
(a fiction by Cella)
“There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.”
Aeschylus (Greek Poet, 525 BC – 456 BC)
She huddled against the door of the spacious '79 Buick as it moved smoothly westward along Route 95. Her heart ebbed and flowed, as did the tears when a wave of grief washed over her. Her red, swollen eyes stared blankly out the window. They passed mile after mile of farmland – of tall, dried-out cornstalks ready for harvest and yellowing fields of soybeans – but, she saw none of it. In her mind's eye, she saw only a woman's face.
It killed him inside that he couldn't hold her. Her sorrow was so obvious that several times he wanted to pull over and comfort her, but he knew he was helping simply by driving her to the funeral. He had yet to suffer such a loss and found it difficult to find words to help lighten her mood, so he kept the Classic Rock station at low volume to cut through the quiet.
I can't do this. I just can't, she thought.
Another passing wave brought silent tears. She reached for the box of tissue next to her. She wiped her eyes and blew her nose, then threw the tissue onto the floor by her feet, where the other spent ones lay. Back out the window she gazed, until her left arm felt a gentle rub. She turned just as his hand went back onto the steering wheel.
He took his eyes off the road a moment to look at her. “Hey.”
“Hey,” she sighed in reply.
“Talk to me. Please?”
She remained quiet as she looked back out the window. Her concentration broken, she finally noticed the autumn landscape against a cool, blue September sky.
“It's pretty out.”
Her positive reply lightened him a bit. It's a start, he thought.
“Yeah, it is. Real pretty. Clear. No traffic, either.”
“Yeah. I forgot how pretty fall is out here in 'East Jesus'.”
“How can you call it that? This is where you grew up.”
“Well, it's true. We're out in the middle of frickin' nowhere.”
“Do you know how many people would LOVE to live out in the country if they could? Live a simple life in clean, fresh air – have a few acres, grow some vegetables, raise some chickens...”
God, how silly. “Raise some chickens?”
“You were lucky growing up out here. Some people have never even seen a cow or horse up close.”
“Well, it's not like everyone who lives in a rural town lives on a farm! At least my family didn't. Ok, well, Grandma and Grandpa Miller did, but not us.” Her heart suddenly sank. “My God, Sweets, how can this happen? I mean, my grandparents are still alive and she's not! They eat beef and bacon and butter and SHE'S the one who had a heart attack?!?”
He didn't know what to say. Lord, we both could use a little help right about now. “I wish I had an answer for you.”
“I wish you did, too.” She let out a long, plaintive sigh. “We did have a few acres...and a few chickens...but it wasn't a farm.”
“Ok, it wasn't a farm. I'm sorry. But still, it must be nice. You know everyone in town...”
“...and everyone knows your business.”
“It's green; it's safe...”
“Ok, Sweets, I get your point. I'll give you the chickens, but believe me, cows and horses are overrated.”
He was quiet for a moment. “I bet it's a great place to raise kids.”
She looked over at him driving. She didn't think he was hinting around at anything, but she had to admit his statement was correct.
“Yeah, it's a nice place to grow up...until you're about 15, then it becomes boring as hell.”
“Oh, come on. Wouldn't there be, like, festivals or movies or something?”
She stared out the window once more and dragged memories out of the dusty corners of her brain.
“What did you all do for fun out here?” he pressed.
“Well...Friday nights there was football. High school football was big. Still is.”
“What was the name of your school's team?”
“The Redbirds, after all the cardinals in the area.”
“Were they any good?”
“They were ok. I remember my Junior year, though, they were like 2 and 10.”
He grimaced. “Ooh, that's not good at all.”
“No, I guess not, huh? Well...I remember for the first several games my friends and I would be all hopeful they'd do better next time. Halfway through the season, though, we realized how much they sucked. By the last couple games, we were so fed up with the team that we'd sit way up in the bleachers where people couldn't hear us and cheer for the visiting team.”
His eyes widened. “Oh man, I can't believe you did that! I'm surprised nobody stoned you guys.”
“Yeah, well, you didn't see how bad they played that year. They totally deserved the ridicule. I think they did better my Senior year, but by then, I...well...I wasn't paying much attention to football.”
She grew quiet again for a moment. “You know, there's this diner we all used to hang out at after the games – Luke's. Maybe later...after...maybe we can go there. Have a piece of pie or something. They have a bunch of Redbird memorabilia on the walls.”
“We can do that. Whatever you want to do, hon.”
She smiled at him and reached out her hand. He glanced off the road and took her hand in his. After two or three minutes, though, when he reached a curved stretch of road, he squeezed her hand and let go.
“Damn no power steering on this car,” he mumbled in frustration.
“So...what happened Senior year?”
“Well, let's just say there was some...tension...in the house. My parents and I didn't get along for a couple years.”
“I think every kid goes through that with their parents. It's just part of being a teenager.”
“I guess, looking back on it, yeah. Being an only child and all, for a while there it just seemed like I was all alone. Thank God she helped me get through that.”
“She? Your aunt?”
She grew quiet again and stared out the window. More tears fell. He glanced over again. Oh no.
“Honey, please don't shut down again. It might make you feel better to talk about it.”
She let out a long, ragged sigh. “She...Anna...let me stay with her every once in a while when things would get really bad between my parents and I. Gave us all a chance to cool off. Anna and I had one big thing in common – we both thought my mom and dad were incredibly uptight. Anna used to say that both of them could turn coal into diamonds.”
He tried to stifle a little laugh. “So, the two of you hung out a lot?”
“Yeah, we did. She always was the 'cool aunt' – well, she's my only aunt – but it was during that time when our relationship really took off. She ended up being the older sister I never had. We became best friends.”
“I know you've mentioned her once or twice, but I'm beginning to see now why...”
Another wave flowed over her. She shaded her eyes and let the tears drip onto her lap. “God, it's just so unfair!”
He couldn't take not helping her any longer and found the nearest shoulder. He wasted no time sliding his lanky body toward her after he put the car in Park. “Come'ere, honey.”
She sunk her head into his chest as he wrapped his long arms around her tight. “It's just not fair,” she wailed. “It's just not fair. She was way too young!”
He rocked her, consoled her. “I know, honey, I know. I'm so sorry. Just let it out.”
Nearly ten minutes and a few tissues later, she was all cried out – for now.
“We should get going,” she finally sniffled.
He wouldn't let go. “We're good on time,” he whispered. “We can still sit here.”
She pulled away a bit. “No – it's ok. I'm ok. We need to go.”
“Just let me hold you for another minute.” After a few seconds, she acquiesed and relaxed within his embrace. Once he felt they were both ready to move on, he pressed a kiss into her hair. “Ok, we'll go now,” he whispered as his finger gently lifted her damp chin. Softly, he kissed her salty lips, and after one last firm hug, he slid back behind the wheel.
She pulled down the sun visor and looked at herself in the vanity mirror. “God, why did I even bother to wear makeup today?” She pulled another tissue from the box and carefully blotted her face dry, then daintily tried to clean up her smudged mascara. When she was done, she raised the visor and sat back once again. She stared out the windshield and took in a deep breath.
“We, uh – Anna and I – to answer your question before...yeah, we hung out a lot, especially after I got out of high school. Most of my girlfriends left town for college dorms, but I was still too scared to move out on my own, so I stayed home and went to the community college in Grey County.”
“So really, it was pretty much just the two of you.”
“Yeah, it was. I loved spending time with her. She let me run my English and Literature essays by her. I spent so much time at Anna's that there were times when I felt like her house was more my home. She put up such a fuss when I got my Associate Degree, too. She threw me a grad party, then surprised me with a weekend shopping trip to Charlotte. We stayed at this posh hotel downtown and ended up seeing Oklahoma! on the Concierge's recommendation.”
He was glad she was remembering happy times. Just keep her talking. “Sounds like you two had some great times together.”
She blew her nose once more. “Yeah, we had a blast. In fact, we had such a good time that I arranged another weekend away for her birthday. After that, we went to Charlotte two or three times a year, usually when there was a concert or musical we both wanted to see. We saw Sting one time – that was a cool show. We saw Phantom of the Opera. One time when The Eagles came to town, we wanted to go so bad, but the tickets were really expensive, so instead of staying at a fancy hotel like we usually did, we decided to stay at this cheap motel about five miles from the arena. The concert was fantastic, but we HATED that motel. We swore we'd rather drive back home than do that again. We both loved driving to 'The Big City'.”
She sat and thought a moment. “As a matter of fact, it was those trips that made me feel comfortable enough to eventually move to Charlotte.”
“The Big City,” he said slightly sarcastically under his breath. “Charlotte's not a big city, trust me.”
“Well, it was to us! Look around here. When you come from a place this small and rural, going to Charlotte is HUGE. Those first couple times in town I was so nervous – all those buildings and strange people and no trees – it was like sensory overload.”
“God, I can only imagine how you'd be if you were dropped in the middle of Manhattan.”
She shivered at the thought. “Yeah, don't do that. It all sounds so cool, but I'd be scared to death. I don't know how you do it.”
“Well, I'd be lying if I said the first time or two there wasn't a little intimidating. At least a couple of the project members in the NYC Office were more than happy to show me around. And you really can take a taxi to anywhere. I mean, I wouldn't want to live there, but at least now I can make my way around.”
She shivered again. “I don't know if I could do it, Sweets.”
“Well...maybe one day you'll let me take you there anyway. I bet the guys would be happy to meet you and show you all the sights.” He reached out for her, his palm outstretched. “Between me and them, you'd be in very capable hands.”
She took his hand and was quiet, contemplating his offer a bit. The prospect of a new “Big City Weekend” with him was at once scary and thrilling. All of a sudden, she realized he had just made her heart feel like it was on the mend. Like the world wasn't over – that life does indeed continue. She could almost hear Anna's voice, telling her to go for it, and to not let this great guy get away from her.
“Let me think about it.”
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Oh, my God, look at all the cars,” she said as they entered the church parking lot. “I think the whole town is here.”
He managed to locate a spot in the back of the lot and parked the car. “Looks like Anna was loved by a whole lot of people. She must've touched a lot of lives.” He got out, came around and opened her door, but instead of helping her out, he crouched beside her. She studied his face.
“I told her about you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. She was looking forward to meeting you at Thanksgiving.”
“Thanksgiving? I don't remember us discussing what we'd do for the holidays.”
“Well...” She looked down in her lap.
His eyebrow raised. “Honey?”
“You would say yes if I ask you, right?”
He smiled and touched her cheek. “Yeah, I would – but I also would make you promise that for Christmas we'd be with my family.”
She chuckled for the first time in days.
He reached for her hand. “C'mon. They're waiting for you.”
He turned around after shutting the door and found her hand once again over her eyes. He gently pulled her hand away and saw utter despair; her chin trembled. He wrapped his arms around her just as she let out a soft wail.
“What is it?”
“This is...” she sniffled. “This is how...you get to meet her for the first time...and she...God, I wanted her to meet you so bad, and now...” She buried her head against his chest and cried. He held her and softly stroked her hair. He thought of his own family and the people who matter most to him, and wondered why he hadn't shared this very special woman with so many of them.
“I know we can't change what's already happened, but let's just make sure we don't let it happen again.”
She lifted her head and looked into his eyes. “I love you so much, Sweets.”
He gently wiped under her eyes with his thumbs as he tenderly gazed into them. “I know you do,” he smiled. “I love you, too.”
She suddenly noticed the tear and makeup stains on him. “Oh no, I've made a mess of your shirt and tie.” She rubbed a couple fingers to lessen the smudges, but it wasn't working. He took her hand.
“Don't worry about that. It's ok.”
“But it...”
“Honey. We have to go inside.”
She looked toward the grey stone church. Her feet didn't want to move. She felt his hand wrap firmly around her waist and somehow she walked with him.
“I can't...”
“Yes, you can. Do it for her. Tell all those people what you told me. Tell them how special she was to you – the fun you had in Charlotte – the joy she brought to your life. Your grandparents lost a daughter and your mom lost a sister – give them good memories of Anna to take with them. Make them smile. You can do it, I know you can. Be strong for them.”
They walked up the steps to the large, heavily-carved doors. He reached for the handle.
“Wait.”
He moved his hand back. She stared at him, then stared back at the doorhandle.
“This is the hardest thing I've ever done.”
“I know. I'll be right here for you.”
She took in a large cleansing breath...then another...then sent up a little prayer. His left hand lightly rubbed between her shoulder blades and she looked at him once more.
“I...I can do this.”
“I know you can.”
Her right hand reached for the doorhandle. “Sweets?”
“Yes, honey.”
“I'd...love to go to New York with you.”
His right hand clasped over hers on the handle and he pulled. “You got it.”
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~Posted 1.17.2004~
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