YOU and YOUR FAMILY
>>>Islam views on homosexual<<<
Kinship; Marital commitments; Faith; Extended family
relationships; Duties
of parents to children; Tarbiyyah or Education of Children; Sexual morality and sex
education; Children’s
duties to parents; Marital
Ties; Islamic
values in the home: design for Islamic living; Treatment of relatives
You as an individual may be
a daughter, a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a sister, an aunt or a niece. If
you are male, you may be a son, a father, a grandfather, a husband, a brother,
an uncle or a nephew.
Many social systems,
trends and behavior patterns in our times care little for whether you are a
wife or a husband, whether you are a mother or a father, whether you are a
grandmother or a grandfather.
In liberal, ‘free’
societies for example, where the individual is regarded as the basic unit of
society, you as an individual may be given the freedom to do what you want,
when you want. Because the individual is considered free to live his own life,
a woman for example may choose ‘to live with’ one or a succession of men or
indeed women. A man may be a father and not know it and his child or children
may never know who their father is.
On the other hand, there
are systems or social experiments where the individual counts for little and
the needs of the commune or the state takes total
control. Here the rearing of children becomes a social industry; care, education and the provision of all needs becomes a
public affair; and being a parent carries few responsibilities. There may be
much material comfort and efficiency in such a system but love and warmth often
do not matter. The human being is devalued and natural bonds and needs are
stifled or destroyed.
The basic unit of society
cannot be the individual or the commune. Both are artificial and produce much
personal stress and distress for everyone and in particular for women and children.
They also tend to produce societal disorders such as delinquency and crime.
In Islam you are not
allowed to be just an individual who is totally free to do whatever you want,
whenever you want. Any system which attempts to make the
individual the basic unit of society and give him unfettered freedom, does not
take into account natural bonds and natural needs.
The most natural unit of
society is the family. Many are the laws of Islam which are geared to
preserving the institution of the family and the web of relationships within
the family. For example, as we shall see, the need to preserve the family,
within which the identity and proper upbringing of children is safeguarded, is
one of the reasons why adultery and fornication are strictly prohibited and
punished severely.
In Islam the family is
welded together by three factors:
1. kinship or
blood ties which are the strongest natural ties;
2. marital
commitments;
3. faith. (top)
Kinship or blood ties are
the strongest natural ties. There can be no substitute for a mother’s love for
a child or a child’s devotion and gratitude to loving and caring parents. It is
because of the strength and importance of these ties that the noble Prophet has
said, ‘He is not of me who serves or breaks the ties of kinship’. He also said,
‘No sin is more swiftly punished than oppression and the breaking of family
ties’.
Adoption, mutual
alliance, or clientage where a weak or persecuted person is taken into a
household, do not institute a family in Islam. An orphan or a child in distress
has to be given all help and protection but cannot be adopted into a family and
take the name of that family and be given such rights as those of inheritance. (top)
Marital commitments
Marital commitments also
weld a family together for Islam recognizes no more wholesome framework for
sexual relations and the rearing of children than marriage. Private consent to
sexual intimacy, ‘common law’ associations or ‘living together’, ‘trial
marriages’ or ‘temporary unions’ do not institute a family in the Islamic
sense.
The third ingredient in
strong family relationships is faith and commitment to Islam. If all members of
a family are Muslims, there is likely to be greater harmony and common goals
and interests than if family members belong to different faiths.
In some cases, faith
supersedes kinship or marital commitments. A person is required to love and
treat his parents with respect and consideration even if they are not Muslims.
But he is not required to obey his parents if they ask him to believe in gods
other than the One True God or commit any acts which involve the disobedience
of God. A person in fact may find himself combating his own parents or children
if they actively seek to oppose or undermine Islam and the interest of the
Muslims. There are many well-known, moving and awesome examples of this in
Islam history through the ages – the Prophet Noah’s inability to save his
disobedient son at the same time of the flood; the case of Prophet Abraham and
his idolatrous father; the Prophet Lot and his immoral wife; and in the time of
Prophet Muhammad, the story of many of his companions who were pitted against a
father, a mother, or a son.
Faith can also supersede
and break marital ties. A woman who becomes a Muslim is required to divorce her
husband if he remains a non-Muslim. Faith also determines who a Muslim woman or
man can marry. (top)
Extended family relationships
The Islamic family is not
a nuclear family, consisting of only parents and children. It is extended to
include grandparents, grandchildren, uncles and aunts and their progeny. These
relationships are cemented by various laws, for example, laws of dependence and
inheritance.
By preserving extended
family relationships, the natural and continuous link between generations is
preserved. New generation learn about Islamic culture and habits with ease.
Members of the household act as companions and playmates to one another. There
is the likelihood of greater warmth and richness in a caring and sharing
atmosphere. It should also be easier to deal with many of the difficulties of
life. Individualism, egotism and loneliness are thus banished from Islamic
family life.
The extended family also
provides a ready replacement for various functions. Children can be looked
after properly while members of the family, including women, pursue vocational
goals or attend to other duties outside the home. Mutual help, harmony and
beauty in the household are the aims. Of course, it may not always work out
like this, mainly because of individuals’ weakness and pettiness and unnatural
behavior which we described in chapter one. (top)
Duties of parents to children
Parents have the
obligation to cherish and sustain their children, educated and train them. Even
before a child is conceived, parents’ responsibilities begin. It goes back even
to the right choice of a spouse. If a man or a women
intends to marry and have children, he or she may choose a spouse for wealth,
beauty, lineage or taqwa. The last is the most
important quality according to the noble Prophet. Parents’ responsibility
therefore begin with the wholesome beliefs, attitudes and good conduct
of each partner in a marriage. A couple, even in their most
intimate moments, are advised by the Prophet to pray for offspring who
are saalih – noble and righteous.
Before and after
conception, the mother in particular should ensure that she lives an Islamic
life style for her physical and psychological state could affect the fetus yet
unborn. She should ensure that she takes no harmful drugs and of course as a
Muslim she will steer clear away from forbidden and harmful things like
alcohol, smoking or cocaine injections. Altogether, she should ensure that her body
is a stable and welcoming environment for her child’s first come.
When the child is born,
your role as mother is of primary importance, on of the most serious and
challenging responsibilities you have. Especially when your child is under the
age of two, for this is the time according to the Qur’an
when a child is weaned, you are the person who is naturally meant to wean,
comfort and educate the child.
Pay no attention to those
who insist that it is society which must look after all children, who seek to abolish
the family as a socio-economic unit, and take all women into the field of
public activity in the name of the liberation of women.
Of course, if you are the
father you too have a great share in the process of tarbiyyah
of the child. Tarbiyyah means to look after, to
nature, to nourish, to help grow and flourish. Tarbiyyah
(from an Arabic root word which means to own, look after and cherish) implies a certain sensitivity towards the child under your care, his
emotional and physical needs and capacities. It implies the ability to inspire
confidence. It implies the courage to allow and promote creativity and
innovation. It implies too, the ability to trust and not to stifle, to be firm
when needed and even to impose sanctions when necessary.
The one who is
responsible for tarbiyyah is a murabbi. Ther
primary responsibility for this process of tarbiyyah
rests with the parents.
The crucial role of both
parents in the formative education and development of a child is stressed in
the famous saying of the Prophet, ‘Every child is born in a natural state of
goodness. It is his parents who make him into a Jew, a Christian or a Magian’.
Of course in the web of
relationships fostered by Islam, not only parents, but grandparents, uncles and
aunts, sisters and brothers, neighbors and teachers – all have an important
role in the tarbiyyah of new generations.
As a grandparent, through
your wisdom gained through experience, you can provide and derive great
enjoyment from children and give much needed relief to parents under stress. We
are reminded of the example of the Prophet in his care for his daughter Fatimah and his love for her children, Hasan
and Husayn.
It is a matter of sadness
that many children are denied the benefits of not having a grandparent to cherish
and dote on them, to take them on journeys back in time and spin yarns for
them. We say again that the trend towards nuclear families is a trend for the
impoverishment of children. (top)
Tarbiyyah or Education of Children
In the tarbiyyah of children, you should remember that children
often learn from example. The proper conduct and example of parents are crucial
in the upbringing of children. Parents who expect their children to be
disciplined and to work hard must themselves be disciplined and work hard.
Parents who expect their children to be truthful must not be in the habit of
telling lies. Also, it is important to remember that the treatment given to
children in the early years of their life can have far-reaching effects on
their mental and emotional state later on in life.
In the tarbiyyah of children, you should try to remember that:
·
Children should be happy and cheerful, and have a
zest for life and living. They should be able to feel something of the carefree
joy and excitement of growing up, especially before they are mukallaf. They should not be battered and terrorized.
·
They should be trained to grow up with the
attitudes and habits, the adab or etiquette of Islam,
‘Be generous, kind and noble to your children and make
their habits and manners good and beautiful (Akrimuu awlaadakum was ahsinuu
adabahum)’, said the noble Prophet. Among the virtues and
habits they should develop are:
-
the habit of being honest and truthful;
-
the habit of being gentle and polite – for
according to the noble Prophet, ‘Gentleness adorns everything’ – without being
timid, afraid and cowed down;
-
the habit of being helpful and considerate
without being loutish in their behavior to others;
-
the habit of being clean and
neat and tidy, of looking after their personal hygiene and appearance.
Children need to develop
the adab or the etiquette of Islam: when and how to
greet; how to speak, sit, eat, and how to perform natural functions like
personal toilet in the clean and efficient manner as taught by the noble
Prophet; to do everything in the manner, time and place that is appropriate for
it, for example: to be reverent in Salaat, attentive
in class, robust and full of zest in play.
Children needto develop physical fitness and skills, to be strong
and courageous. The Prophet recommended that children be taught horse-riding,
swimming and archery. One Muslim ruler once suggested that his child be taught
swimming before reading and writing on the grounds that someone else may read
and write for him but no one can swim for him! From the noble Prophet’s
recommendations, we see that children need to lead an active outdoor life and
be proficient in some of the martial arts. They should have the stamina for
demanding play and demanding work. This implies at least that they should be
adequately fed.
Children need to develop
a thirst for knowledge, beneficial knowledge – through listening, observation,
reading, interacting with others. It is recommended that children be taught
from an early age to recite and read the Qur’an and
develop a love for it. At an early age, they have the capacity to memorize it
and it is common for many children and youths to memorize the whole or large
parts of the Qur’an. From the age of sever, the
Prophet recommended that children should get in the habit of performing Salaat and by the age of ten they should be required to do
so regularly.
Children need to develop
sills and to be creative and inventive. They should be trained from an early
age to take on responsibilities, to organize and take initiative rather than be
timid and submissive. They should be able to spend their time usefully and
profitably. They need to develop the sills that would fit them for contemporary
living and for the particular society in which they live. This may involve
anything – from the skills of running an efficient and creative home to the
skills that would enable them to earn a living and help in the process of tarbiyyah when their turn comes. Give a person a fish and
you feed jus one person; teach a person to fish and he can then feed hundreds,
says an apt Chinese proverb.
Above all, correct tarbiyyah should ensure that children develop a love for
Islam, a love for God and His Prophet and that they develop a feeling of pride
in being Muslim and a willingness to strove for the
good of others. They need to realize the benefits of Islam, the foundations on
which it is based and their need for Islam. They need to value Islam and live
by Islamic values. (top)
Sexual morality and sex education
Because of the grave
dangers that children and others are now more and more exposed to from an early
age, it is important to pay attention to this aspect of education.
Appropriate sex education
at the appropriate time and in a manner appropriate to Islamic ideals is not
only desirable but necessary, because of the destructive trends in the world
today.
Sex education is taught
within the framework of religious obligations. A mother or female teacher would
naturally be the best person to teach daughter and the father or male teacher a
son.
Children are to be taught
what is permissible (halaal) and what is forbidden (haraam) with reasons and consequences. No immoral or
dissolute person is therefore allowed to teach. All teaching is to be imparted
within the limits of modesty and chastity and no encouragement should be given
to lewdness and experimentation. Sex education is imparted in stages according
to the natural physical and emotional development of children. The ages given below for each stage is approximate and may vary
slightly from child to child:
·
The age between seven and ten called the age of
discretion (sinn attamyiiz) at which training is
given, for example in the ethiquette of asking permission
to enter rooms and in the etiquette of ‘looking’ at others. Significantly, a
child is recommended to begin performing Salaat from
the age of seven. This requires the proper etiquette of maintaining personal
hygiene, including the washing of the private parts after going to toilet. The
context in which private parts are discussed allows the subject to be mentioned
openly and naturally and without any unhealthy secretiveness or courseness.
·
The age between ten and fourteen known as the age
of puberty (sinn al-muraahaqah) in which the child is
prepared for the next stage but trained to keep away from all sexual passions.
A child is trained to perform Salaat regularly from
the age of ten. One of the purposes of regular Salaat,
according to the Qur’an, is that it keeps one away
from all that is ‘shameful and bad’.
·
The age normally between thirteen and sixteen
known as the age of maturity (sinn
al-buluugh) at which the child now turned adult is taught
the etiquette of sexual behavior in preparation for marriage. A person is
taught to practice chastity and self-restraint until marriage or if for
whatever reason he or she is unable to marry.
At the first stage, as
soon as the awareness of the opposite sex become apparent, children are taught
to seek permission before entering rooms and that they are not allowed to look
at the private parts of another, including someone of the same sex. It is not
natural or necessary, that they be taught details of copulation at this stage.
At the age of discretion,
children need to be prepared for the stage of puberty so that when physical
changes occur they would know how to react, how to clean themselves, how to
prepare for the obligatory Prayer and other related matters.
At the age of puberty,
when males produce semen and females start their monthly reproductive cycles,
everyone become mukallaf and all the obligations of
adulthood devolve on them – the duty to have ghusl
when necessary and desirable, to make Salaat, to
fast, to preserve their chastity, and to keep their ‘awrah’
covered (see below):
Awrah of a male is the part of the body from the navel
to the knee. For female, is the whole body with the exception of the face,
hands and feet. It is nor
allowed for a man to show his awrah to anyone except
his wife. For a woman, she may not show her awrah to
anyone except her husband. However, among Muslim males whom she cannot marry
(such as her father, brother, son, uncle, or nephews) her body from the chest
down to her knees excluding the arms may not be shown.
Among Muslim
females, a Muslim woman may not show any part of the body from the navel to the
knee. Accordingly, a Muslim woman may not look at the thighs of her adult
daughter, sister, mother or friend while bathing or otherwise. Among non-Muslim
females, a Muslim woman may not show any part of her awrah. (top)
At the state of
preparation for marriage, persons need to know the rights and obligations of
husband and wife to each other. These include the etiquette of sexual contact and
behavior and the need for spouses to have physical and emotional satisfaction
in marriage.
Both the Qur’an and the Sunnah are
explicit on matters of sex and sex education. The object is to creat an open, balanced and responsible attitude based on
knowledge. Islam is opposed to treating sex as a completely toboo
subject which gives rise to feelings of guilt. It is also opposed to treating
it in a completely casual and immoral manner without the due regard to modesty
and respect that something as intimate and personal as
sexual life demands. (top)
Children’s duty to parents
While parents are
naturally disposed to love their children, children are often disposed to
disregard their parents. It is for this reason, and
because of the enormous debt that an individual owes to his parents, that the Qur’an has made it compulsory on the child to treat his
parents with all goodness and mercy. On the other hand, it has not placed a
similar compulsory obligation on parents.
Thus, it is compulsory
duty (fard ‘ayn) on every adult
Muslim to show goodness and mercy and act righteously to his parents throughout
their lives. This applies even to parents who are not Muslims. Excluded from
this are parents who promote shirk or ask their children to
associate anything or being in worship with God, or ask them to commit any act
which involves the disobedience of God. Only in such cases must children
disobey their parents.
The duty of a child,
however old he or she may be, to parents are:
·
to show love and gratitude to them,
·
to speak to them with kindness and respect,
·
to strive to do everything that would please them
and make them happy,
·
to offer good advice and guidance to parents when
it is needed especially if they are not Muslim,
·
to avoid any angry or exasperated expression or
reaction to what parents might say or do and which they do not agree or find
favor with,
·
to refrain, according to a saying of the Prophet,
from condemning your own parents by denouncing the parents of others for they
in turn might denounce your parents,
·
to refrain from disobeying them for this was
regarded by the Prophet as on of the major sins in Islam together with the sin
of shirk,
·
to look after their needs
especially when they become old and cannot properly look after themselves. This
involves not showing any signs of displeasure or distaste when they are sick or
incontinent. Instead, repeat often the beautiful Qur’anic
prayer, ‘My Lord and Sustainer! Be kind and have mercy on them as they
cherished, nurtured and sustained me in childhood’.
·
to continue to pray for them and ask God to
forgive them even after they have died for the noble Prophet has said that when
a person dies all his actions come to an end except three: a continuous
charity, knowledge from which people benefit, and a righteous child who prays
for him,
·
to fulfill, after their
death any contracts they might have left and to maintain contact with and be
kind to their friends.
One of the benefits of
being good and kind to parents is that goodness and kindness is passed on from
one generation to another according to the saying of the noble Prophet, ‘Be
good and kind to your parents and your children will be good and kind to you’.
In particular, a person
is required to be good and kind to his mother and show gratitude to her for the
trials and agonies she experienced in giving birth to him, for nurturing and
providing for his needs in helpless childhood especially; and for being his
first school in life. This is why the noble Prophet emphasized repeatedly that
a mother has the first claim on a person’s care, closeness and companionship.
Someone asked God’s
messenger, to whom he should show kindness and he replied, ‘Your mother’. He
asked who came next and he replied, ‘Your mother’. The next same question,
replied the same answer; but the next same one, then only he replied, ‘Your
father, then relatives in order of relationship’.
A man came to the
Prophet, and said, ‘Messenger of God, I desire to go on a military expedition
and I have come to consult you’. The noble Prophet asked him if he had a mother
and when he replied that he had, the Prophet said, ‘Stay with her, for Paradise
is at her feet’. (top)
We have seen how the
family in Islam is welded together by ties of kinship. It is also held together
and extended by marital ties and permitted relationships which are the most
natural and beneficial for individuals and society.
For many people, and
indeed for many social systems and religions that are not based on firm
foundations, it is often difficult to determine what is natural and beneficial
for both individuals and society. To decide what is morally right and good has
become a major dilemma for many individuals and societies. So far as the
interaction between society, morality and sex is concerned, there are four choice apparently open any society:
1.
an entirely homosexual society;
2.
an entirely promiscuous society;
3.
a society in which no sexual relations exist
except between husband and wife;
4.
a laissez-faire society in
which all the above forms are tolerated.
Which of these four
choices can be said to promote the welfare or individuals and society? In
answering this question, it should be reasonable and natural to say that the
only those relationships that help to promote people’s welfare ought to be
commended and described as moral. Also, whatever can be shown to have dangerous
anti-social consequences cannot be considered morally right or good.
A society of homosexuals
only will mean the death of mankind since it severs sexual behavior from its
reproductive function. Homo advocate a view of human
relationships that is at odds with the natural order and stability of human
society. We do not need to go into perverse nature and the bad consequences of
homo which is described in the Qur’an as an
‘abomination’ and those who indulge in it as ‘committing excesses’.
An entirely promiscuous
society is thought by some to be the best. In such a society, it is imagined
that everyone will have complete freedom to choose whoever he likes at whatever
time he prefers. With such freedom will come the deeper enjoyment as well as
the reproduction of the species.
The reality will be
different and there will be frightful difficulties. People will become obsessed
with sex. Strange as it may seem, sexual deprivation will be a major problem.
Incest and deviant behavior will be common as it is in many societies that are
promiscuous. Sexually transmitted diseases will spread.
The effects of all this
on human values and behavior are incalculable. Overall, it will have a
degrading effect on sex itself and on human relationships. Sex will not be seen
in the context of a whole, loving relationship, but will become an end in
itself and in the process destroy respect, love, care and responsibility in human
relationships. Some of these effects can already be seen in several societies.
Many criminal tendencies
both among the young and among the old are discovered to have their origins in
broken homes and unstable families. The most efficient social services cannot
cope with the legions of parentless children which a promiscuous society
produces. And there is the terrible cost in terms of personal pain and agony of
children naturally wanting to know who is their father
or indeed who is their mother? In many countries of the world today, more than
half the population is illegitimate. If present trends continue, the figures
will keep on rising.
Some might say, ‘Well, no
one has ever seriously advocated a completely homo society or a completely
promiscuous society. All we want is a society where every individual or group
of individuals shall have the freedom to lead the kind of sexual life they
prefer. In such a mixed society, married people, will
live side by side with promiscuous individuals and homo. Each will respect the
ideas and choice of the others and tolerate their behavior. We must be tolerant
for tolerances is a great virtue. (top)
But this will not do
either. If we can see clearly and if we then admit that consequences of homo
and promiscuity are harmful, it is not reasonable or natural to tolerate the
factors responsible for them. Tolerating homo and promiscuity means encouraging
them and pushing more and more people to practice them. Marital relationships
will be affected. Married people may even be regarded as odd or ‘eccentric’ in
such a society and may even not be tolerated as the example of
‘And remember
Verily, with lust you
approach men instead of women. Indeed, you are a people given to excesses!
But his people’s only
answer was this, ‘Expel them from your land! They are folk who make themselves
out to be pure’. (27: 56)
By elimination then, the
society with the most good and the least evil is a society based on the family
and marital relationships. Married people in such a society will not tolerate
but do their best to eradicate the causes of homo, promiscuity and sexual laisser faire. This will be the rational society with the
best hope of happiness. In such a society:
·
sex is enjoyed within the marriage without being
given undue prominence over other needs and values;
·
sex does not become the purpose of life but an
important ingredient which helps to make it more happy and enjoyable;
·
children are born and will-looked after.
The best way of achieving
these aims is:
·
to have a healthy attitude
sex’
·
to exhort people to marry and
to marry for the proper reasons,
·
to show them how best to
preserve and enjoy their married life,
·
to make it possible for them to
terminate an unsuccessful marriage,
·
to lessen the factors which may temp them to look
for sexual satisfaction outside marriage,
·
to
severely punish those who seek sexual gratification in non-marital avenues,
whether pre-marital or extra-marital avenues.
A
healthy attitude. The human species is
biologically a pair-performing species. This may be shown by observation and is
also mentioned in the Qur’an as one of the signs of
God’s wisdom, love and care, ‘And among the God’s wonder is this: He creates
for you mates out of your own kind so that you might incline towards them, and
He engenders love and tenderness between you. In this, behold, there are signs
indeed for people who think’.
The need for sexual
relations is natural for adults. If this need is naturally fulfilled within
marriage, it does not carry any feelings of immorality, guilt and sin. In fact,
just as adultery, fornication and homo are punishable offenses, satisfying
sexual needs within marriage merits reward. The Prophet once remarked about it.
A Muslim husband and wife
who come to perform the sexual act, do not do so with guilty consciences or the
feeling that they are about to do something that degrades them or remove them
further from God. They come with the feeling of doing something which God
approves and rewards. The Prophet perform it in the name of God, should
followed, it is a good example.
Encourage
people to marry. There is no celibacy or
monasticism in Islam. The noble said, ‘Marriage is part of my Sunnah (example) and whoever disdains my sunnah is not one of me’.
The Prophet exhorted
young people to marry and advised all concerned to make marriage easy for those
who want to. He himself took a keen interest in encouraging his companions to
marry and giving them practical help in setting up a home as the story of Rabii’ah ibn Ka’b
shows. The noble Prophet encouraged people to marry a partner for the sake of
good character, piety and religiosity, instead of just wealth, noble stock or
beauty.
The practice of dating
and courting, of pre-marital relations, of ‘trial unions and marriage’ are
firmly prohibited. In fact, it is not allowed for a man and woman who are not
within the prohibited degrees of marriage, to be alone together or to have any
physical contact. A man may not sit alone with his female cousin for example if
they are not married.
Both parties in a
marriage must give their free and willing consent to the marriage. Parents may
recommend a suitable marriage partner for their child of marriageable but no
parent or guardian has any right to force a daughter or a son to marry anyone.
Showing
how
to enjoy and preserve married life. The marriage relationship is summed up in the
metaphor of the Qur’an, ‘They (wives) are your
garments and you (husband) are their garments’. (2: 187)
Marriage, like a
garments, is meant to be a comfort, a protection, and a security. It beautifies
and warms personalities. It enfolds, covers and conceals what is private from
the eyes of the world. For a happy marriage, everything ultimately depends on
the free will, the intentions and attitudes of the individual husband and wife.
In the Islamic marriage
sermon, there is no mention of marriage itself but there is the repeated
emphasis on taqwa or God-consciousness from which all
duties and rights spring. Husband as well as wives have duties as well as
rights but the best of them are those who perform their duties without
insisting on their rights.
Duties
of a husband.
As a husband, the way you
treat your wife is a test of your moral worth for the noble Prophet said, ‘The best
of you are those who are best to their wives’. A husband must support the wife
and provide her with adequate food, clothing, a matrimonial home and essential
education. Apart from that, follow the example of the Prophet, helping wife
with household work.
When you intend to have
sexual intercourse with your wife, the noble Prophet advised that you should
court her and approach her in a gentle manner, not in a rough way as animals
do. And when you have satisfied yourself, you should wait until she is too. You
have the overall duty of providing for and managing your household.
Duties
and rights of a wife.
Obey your husband in
whatever does not involve disobedience to God for the noble Prophet has said,
‘If a woman performs the five daily Salaat, fasts in the
month of Ramadaan, preserve her chastity and obeys
her husband, say to her: Enter Paradise through whichever of its gates she
pleases’. There is one thing in particular in which a wife should strive not to
disobey – when he invites her to come to bed.
You have the right to
express your vies and make suggestions on all matters but the best role in
keeping the marital tie intact and strong is to recognize your husband as the
person responsible for the running of the family. This is the general rule.
You have the right to
your own individuality, to retain your own name, and to own, inherit and use
property as you wish; to persue education and
vocational goals that would develop your talents, protect the interest of your
family and strengthen the Muslim community.
Safeguarding marriage and family. The marital system is
the only choice that is open to a rational society. It is only natural for such
a society to protect marriage and family relationships from harmful influences.
It is an insane society which insists on the strength of the marital bond but
goes on to encourage or even remain indifferent to factors which endanger or
rent it asunder. You cannot be consistent if you say that it is better for
people to confine their sexual relations to marriage but at the same time
advocate or tolerate such things as the publication of obscene literature and the exhibition of
pictures of naked bodies, the wearing of immodest clothes, the making,
screening and viewing of films which make public what should be private, the
indiscriminate mingling of men and women, discotheques, beauty contests and
other aspects of the sex industry now one of the world biggest in the world. If
it becomes normal for people to tolerate or indulge in such activities, it
would be difficult and indeed impossible to keep family ties properly intact.
It would be difficult to safeguard the love, warmth and trust on which happy
marriage relationships are based. Your attitude to such activities should be
shaped by the principles governing what is haraam
such as whatever
leads to the forbidden is also forbidden.
If you positively take
the great values that Islam puts on married life, you will appreciate the
wisdom of restrictions on the free association of men and women, the type of
clothes they wear and on certain forms of their artistic expression. You will
also appreciate particular rules such as that which requires a man not to enjoy
the sight of a woman who is not his wife, but to cast down his eyes if he
happens to glance at her by chance. A woman is asked to behave in the same way
towards a man other than her husband. It is not because something dirty or ugly
in people but because the look is often the first step to grosser offenses. The
Qur’an asks the Prophet to ‘Say to the believers, that
they cast down their eyes and guard their private parts. That is purer for
them’.
In all such matters, you
need to preserve and develop the essential natural quality of hayaa’ which implies modesty and chastity, and a sense of shyness,
shame and propriety. Hayaa’ is a characteristic of
both men and women.
Punishment for premarital or
extramarital sexual acts. A person who is married and commits adultery and who either
confesses, or who does so in a manner that four persons witness and testify to
his detestable act pays for it with his life. The punishment for false
accusations of adultery is also serve.
A married person
committing sodomy is also to be punished by death. To whom not married and
commits fornication is publicly flogged with a hundred lashes and exiled or
imprisoned for a year. But for sodomy, will be treated in a similar fashion.
The reasons
for these punishments are: to preserve marital ties and family life and the
stability of society;
to safeguard the interests of children and future generations of mankind and
protect honor and chastity.
Terminating an unsuccessful marriage. No one can pretend that
all marriages are always happy and blissful. However, hard you may try, unforeseen difficulties may make married life
intolerable. Islam prescribes every precaution to prevent the break-up of a
marriage. It recommends counseling and mediation by relatives, friends or a
judge to help resolve differences and problems. But when married life does not
fulfill its purpose and becomes unbearable, the marriage bond is severed a as a
last resort.
If a man decides to
divorce his wife, there is opportunity for reconsideration. After the first
pronouncement of divorce, a man may not have intercourse with his wife for
three months. The pronouncement of divorce must not be made when the wife is in
her monthly periods.
A woman may obtain a
divorce from her husband either by mutual agreement or by permitting a judge.
She may seek divorce in case of cruelty, intense dislike, non-fulfillment of
the terms of the marriage contract, insanity, impotence, desertion without
giving reason or providing maintenance, and other causes. (se
the Qur’an,
Islamic values in the home:
design for Islamic living
We have dealt at length
with the natural need to control sexual relationships and safeguard the
institution of the family inasmuch as the pressures on and threats against this
precious and delicate institution are now so numerous and great. Over and above
this, there is of course the need to enrich family life by positive attitudes,
values and practices.
The Islamic values of
faith, love, compassion, cleanliness and beauty all need to be nurtured in the
home. Briefly, the ideal Muslim home would need to be:
·
simple and not ostentatious for
the Prophet said, ‘Eat, drink, give sadaqah and wear
good clothes as long as these things do not involve excess and arrogance’.
·
Spacious, to allow privacy for parents and separate
beds for children from the age of ten, for the noble Prophet has advised. This
is obviously to prevent such disgusting crimes and sinful behavior as incest.
·
Clean, for the Prophet has said, ‘Cleanliness is
part of Faith’ and ‘Purity is half of Faith’.
·
Beautiful and free from such things as statues or
revolting pieces of art for he noble said, ‘God is Beautiful and loves beauty’.
The ideal Muslim homes:
·
a place where there are
the basic necessities of food and clothing (see Qur’an,
2:233; 2:235-6), where meals are eaten together and where there is hospitality
and generosity.
·
a place where the greeting
of Peace (Salaam) is heard at dawn and at night and at times of going and
coming.
·
a place where love,
tenderness and mercy is the norm for the Qur’an says,
‘And we have made between you love and tenderness’.
·
a cheerful place, for
‘Smiling is charity’.
·
a place where the
recitation of the Qur’an is heard daily and where
knowledge is imparted and pursued.
·
a place where Salaat is performed and everyone, young and old, has a
sense of time and place – time, in particular, related to the times of Salaat, and place – determined by the direction of the Qiblah.
This is the basic
minimum. (top)
Treatment of relatives
The Muslim family is, as
mentioned earlier, not just a nuclear family of husband, wife and children but
is extended to include relatives as well. As a Muslim, you are required to
maintain a close and caring relationship with relatives. According to a saying
of the Prophet, you are required to visit relatives, inquire about their
circumstances, spend on them and give them sadaqah fi they are poor.
Islam ask
to maintain the institution of the family by feelings of love and tenderness,
by the Islamic laws of morality and decency and by practical measures of mutual
assistance and support. Strong, stable and healthy family units provide the
foundation for strong stable and healthy communities and societies. (top)