Oddities of the Mind

by Katie and Lara

So this here is a little something that my friend Lara and I created during study halls in high school. We call it "the horror movie". However, it is not exactly meant to instill horror into its audience. Basically, it's a spoof of a horror movie. We fully intended to film it, but that just never happened. All of the characters were to be played by our friends or members of my family (I'm only going to use first names).

If you're not interested, click here to return to my mindless ramblings

The movie is named Oddities of the Mind because most of the characters have some sort of odd quirks about them. The theme song for the movie is "Sheep Go to Heaven" by Cake. In the cast of characters, people will be labeled as either "sheep" or "goat". "Sheep" signifies a follower, whereas "goat" signifies someone who's not afraid to be an individual. That said, I'll move on to the cast of characters...

Cast of Characters

Nicole (Nikki) - played by Katie
Nicole has a split personality disorder and is usually shy and quiet. She is also the evil mastermind as well as a goat.

Brooke - played by Lara
Brooke is a pathological liar. She is repulsively popular, but is friends with Gina because she has a car. She is described as the "ok... whatever" person in the duo of murderers, which makes her a sheep.

Pamela - played by Kristen
Pamela has a superiority complex. She wears big glasses, is incredibly smart, and doesn't really have any friends. She can also be described as "Lisa Loeb the monkey-girl whore-ish" (it's probably better if you just don't ask). She is also a goat.

Lorraine - played by Chris
Lorraine is a ditzy, snobby, kleptomaniac. She is a sheep.

Guy - played by Brian
Guy is the epitome of the guy in the "Pretty Fly for a White Guy" music video (basically a wannabe), which makes him a sheep. He is also a closet Star Wars fanatic and wants to be a chef.

Gina - played by Liz
Gina is disgustingly happy, wants to be friends with everybody, and has an obsession with Ricky Martin. She is also a sheep.

Lucas - played by Jim
Lucas is just completely in his own world and for the most part oblivious to lots of things. He sometimes talks to Nicole and is a goat.

Courtney - played by Dana
Courtney is a cheerleader and is also a caffeine addict, so she is always hyper and jumpy. She is friends with Lorraine and Brooke and is a sheep.

Pete - played by Joe
Pete is simply paranoid and doesn't really have any friends. When he was 9 years old, Steve threw bread crumbs at him, and birds dive-bombed his head. Since then, he decided to never have friends and developed a fear of large groups of birds as well as a refusal to eat bread. He is a goat.

Ranger Alice - played by Linda (my mom)
She just likes trees a lot, and she's not really a sheep or a goat, so we called her the shepherd.

Fernando - played by Mick (my brother)
Fernando is Ranger Alice's son.

Steve (Tré) - played by Tim
Steve/Tré is a gothic pyromaniac. He likes wearing black, chains, and black eye makeup. He used to read the Hardy Boys and is a goat.

Officer #1 - played by Joyce
Officer #2 - played by Annette

Script

Act I, Scene i

(walking up to the house - my house)
LORRAINE: This is where we're staying for the next week?
GINA: Come on you guys! It's great! Look... there's trees, and a trampoline, and... and lots of grass!
PETE: Trees? Birds... they live in trees. Birds are bad. No! I want to leave.
GINA: Are you okay?
PETE: No! Don't touch me!
GUY: Look dawg. Man, there's a pool! That's tight!
LUCAS: Huh? What? There's a kite? Where? I don't see a kite.
NICOLE: Lucas, he said, "That's tight." I think he means it's cool, but I'm not sure. Just smile, and say "okay" in a happy, idiotic voice.
LUCAS: (smiling, bobbing head like a parakeet) Okay!
COURTNEY: (whining) I can't believe they're making me come here to do Biology over Spring Break! That, like, should be illegal or something.
PAMELA: (with a superior air) I chose to come here.
BROOKE: So did I!
PAMELA: No, you didn't.
BROOKE: No, no I didn't.
COURTNEY: It's not like I need the extra credit. My daddy will just pay the teachers off anyway.
RANGER ALICE: Hello children! Welcome to our "Observe a Forest" program!
TRE: Forest? Forest fires... (nodding idiotically and taking out his lighter)
RA: What's your name?
TRE: Tré (pronounced "tray")
RA: As our friend Tree just brought up, there are a few rules. Number one, no fire (takes away Tre's lighter). Number two, no firearms (walks around eyeing everyone suspiciously, pausing at Tre, who smiles and laughs). Number three, no matches (once again eyes Tre suspiciously), and number four, no boy/girl room assignments!
FERNANDO: Yeah!
RA: Pamela?
PAMELA: Um, I'd like to request my own private room.
RA: You'll be sharing a room with Lorraine.
PAMELA: But...
RA: Shoo shoo shoo!! ... um, Pete? You'll be sharing a room with... Steve... Is there a Steve?
TRE: Yeah
RA: But I thought you were Tree...
TRE: Whatever...
PETE: Uh... uh...n-no... not with him.
RA: Shoo shoo shoo! ... Is there a Guy?
GUY: Yeah woman, whatchou want?
RA: You'll be rooming with Lucas
GUY: (punching Lucas in the arm) Hey dawg!
LUCAS: But... my name's Lucas...
RA: Shoo shoo shoo!
LUCAS: I didn't say anything.
RA: Shoo shoo shoo! ... Nicole?
NICOLE: Call me Nikki.
RA: Ok... Nikki.
NICOLE: Um... my name's Nicole.
RA: Alright, Nicole, you'll be in a room with Brooke.
BROOKE: Ok. Sounds good! (claps and does two thumbs up signs... aka "thumb clap") (Nicole eyes her oddly)
RA: Shoo shoo shoo! ... and the last room assignment is... Courtney and Gina.
GINA: Oh goody! This is just gonna be the greatest!
COURTNEY: Please just shoot me now!
PAMELA: And what do we call you? (to Ranger Alice)
RA: You can call me Ranger Alice! And this is my son, Fernando.
FERNANDO: Yeah!
RA: Come on, I'll show you your rooms.

Act I, scene ii

[all are standing in the family room]
RA: This is the "Quilt Room", in which Pete and Tree will be residing this week.
PETE: I... I... I can't.... I can't stay here.
TRE: Ha... there's a fireplace...
PETE: Th... there's a b-bird in here.
RA: But birds are nice.
TRE: He doesn't like birds... cause uh, when we were like nine or somethin', we were at the park feeding the ducks... quack quack... and I... like, chucked some bread crumbs at his head... and these like five zillion birds divebombed his head at the same time...heheh... it was funny... but uh, now he doesn't like birds... or me... or people...
PETE: And I don't eat bread.
[all stare in frightened disbelief]
PETE: Don't look at me!
RA: Um... let's move on to the next room.
[all walk upstairs except Pete and Tre]
[Tre takes out another lighter and laughs]

Act I, scene iii

RA: Pamela and Lorraine will be staying here in the "Dogwood Room".
PAMELA: This is preposterous! I specifically asked for my own room, and now I only get a couch!?
LORRAINE: Uh, no. I think I get the couch.
RA: Actually, you alternate days sleeping on the floor and on the couch.
[Pamela and Lorraine begin yelling at each other]
RA: SHOO SHOO SHOO!! Let's go children. I'll leave you two down here to... work things out.
[everyone else goes upstairs; Pamela and Lorraine are still yelling]

Act I, scene iv

[entering my brother's room... Fernando is sitting on the floor playing with Star Wars action figures]
[there is a giant stuffed monkey in one corner of the room]
RA: THis is the "Striped Room." Guy and Lucas will be staying in here. Fernando, you'll be staying in my room.
FERNANDO: No! (stomps off)
LUCAS: It's striped...
BROOKE: No it's not.
LUCAS: What? (double checks) Yeah it is!
BROOKE: Yeah... it is.
GUY: (becoming rather fidgety) Star Wars...
RA: Oh, I'm sorry about the toys on the floor. Fernando is not a very tidy little boy. (puts away Star Wars toys) We're going to leave you two to settle in.
LUCAS: (looks around, sees big monkey) Waheh!!!

Act I, scene v

RA: This is the "Flower Room." Brooke and Nikki?
NICOLE: Um, it's Nicole.
RA: Yeah, you two will be staying in here.
[Nicole walks over to bed, throws stuff on bed and sits there defiantly.] BROOKE: Ok, sounds good (thumb clap).
RA: Ok now, who's left?
GINA: I am!!
COURTNEY: Oh my God!!
RA: Let's go!

Act I, scene vi

RA: You two will be staying here in the computer room.
GINA: But what about the special name?
RA: That is the special name.
GINA: I love it!
COURTNEY: There's no bed. I can't sleep without a bed.
RA: Well, that love seat can turn into a bed.
GINA: That's so neat!
COURTNEy: But I get the bed!
GINA: Okay!

Act II, scene i

[in the "Quilt Room"]
[Pete is sitting on the couch with a blanket over his head, rocking back and forth mumbling to himself.]
[Tre has set up a "fire situation" with Fernando's toys. A building is "on fire", and the fire truck is coming to save it, but when it gets there, Tre flings it across the room and laughs.]

ACt II, scene ii

[in the "Dogwood Room"]
[Pamela is unpacking, and Lorraine is looking through a Seventeen magazine.]
PAMELA: I'm going to go ask Ranger Alice where to put my shampoo. Don't touch anything!
[Lorraine waits a minute, peers over the top of her magazine, sets it down, walks over to Pamela's things, takes a shoe, goes to her own bag, pulls out a box, puts the shoe in the box, then puts the box back in her bag. Then she goes back and continues reading her magazine.]
[Pamela returns, continues unpacking, and then realizes the missing shoe.]
PAMELA: Where's my shoe?
[Lorraine shrugs.]

Act II, scene iii

[in the "striped Room"]
[Guy is acting out a scene from Star Wars, and Lucas is staring in fear at the big monkey.] [Han and Tan-Tan ride up and find Luke on the ground]
GUY: (Han) Luke, I've come to rescue you! My God! You've shrunk! (the Luke action figure is considerably smaller than the Han Solo action figure)
GUY: (to Lucas) Hey dawg, you wanna play? [Lucas remains in his staring mode] You could be Luke... wait a minute... you ARE Luke!!
LUCAS: (to the monkey) I am not a mute!! [ goes back to staring in silence]
GUY: Dawg...

Act II, scene iv

[in the "Flower Room"]
[Nikki is listening to "Sheep Go to Heaven" on her headphones and drawing disturbing images]
[Brooke is eating]
BROOKE: My brother... has a cow... and lives in... Afghanistan.
NIKKI: What are you mumbling about? [removes headphones]
BROOKE: My brother has a cow, and he lives in ... Yemen.
NIKKI: Ok, whatever. [puts headphones back on]
BROOKE: ACtually, I don't even have a brother...

Act II, scene v

[in the computer room]
GINA: Isn't this great?
COURTNEY: No.
GINA: This is gonna be so much fun!
COURTNEY: No, it's not.
GINA: Come on Courtney, cheer up!
COURTNEY: I hate you.
GINA: That's not very nice!
COURTNEY: Get away from me.

Act III, scene i

[outside by "forest"]
PAMELA: You guys, Ranger Alice told us to be here ten minutes ago, and she's not here. I'm going to go find her. (walks to house)
GUY: Dawg, this looks just like Endor! (begins talking in Ewok gibberish) That's Ewok, dawg!
LUCAS: We're going on a walk? What? I thought we were waiting here.
[show Nicole, Tre, and Pete. Pete is searching for birds. Tre is playing with his lighter. Nicole is just looking around.]
GINA: Look at my new notebook! It's blue, and I glued a picture of Ricky Martin on it!
BROOKE: That's great, Gina...
GINA: Here Courtney, look at it!
PAMELA: You guys!
[everybody turns to Pamela]
[Lorraine nonchalantly reaches over and rips Ricky off the notebook and puts him in her pocket.]
PAMELA: Ranger Alice isn't there.
LUCAS: You guys, where's Ranger Alice?
NICOLE: She's not here, Lucas.
GUY: Dawg, we can have a party!
PAMELA: No! We came here to OBSERVE A FOREST, so what are we going to do? We're going to OBSERVE A FOREST!
BROOKE: Uh, doesn't it bother anybody that she's gone?
TRE: We should like, look for her... or somethin'...
PAMELA: I say we split up by room assignments and search. Meet back in the kitchen in fifteen minutes.

Act III, scene ii

PAMELA: Did anybody find anything?
GUY: No, dawg! We looked, like, everywhere for that woman! She is gone! She is no where!
PETE: I bet the birds got her...
GUY: She's like Tupac, dawg! Everybody thinks she's gone... but she's not!
LUCAS: I thought he was dead...
GUY: No, dawg, that was all fake!
PAMELA: Guys, Ranger Alice?
TRE: She's kinda weird. She's probably just out frollickin' with the trees or somethin'.
GINA: He's probably right. I'm sure we'll find her.
[Nicole enters the room unnoticed in the back]
LORRAINE: Wait a minute... where's Courtney?
[all look at Gina]
PAMELA: Where is she?
GINA: Well, she was with me, but then she wasn't. She had to go to the bathroom, but I was going to be late, and I didn't wanna be late, so I figured she'd just meet us down here.
NICOLE: We should go look for her. Which bathroom did she go in?
GINA: The "Little Mermaid" bathroom...
[all stare at her]
GINA: That's its name!

Act III, scene iii

[all but Ranger Alice and Courtney are huddled outside the bathroom door]
GINA: [knocks] Courtney? Are you in there?...[knocks again]... Are you okay?
GUY: Dawg, can I kick the door in?
GINA: [jiggles doorknob] Um, it's not locked.
PAMELA: Well, then open it.
GINA: [opens door partially and lets it swing open] Oh my God...
BROOKE: What is it? What's going on?
NIKKI: I don't think Ranger Alice is coming back anytime soon...
PAMELA: [pushes everyone out of the way] Let me by..... she's dead!
[gasps] and [oh my God's]

Act IV, scene i

[all (well almost all) are in the kitchen]
PAMELA: So, um, what do we do now?
TRE: We should, uh, get help...
NICOLE: But Ranger Alice doesn't have a car.
GUY: [picks up phone] and the phone's dead, dawg.
[Fernando runs in, oblivious to what's going on]
PAMELA: Fernando, is there any way to go get help if we needed you to?
FERNANDO: Yeah...
PAMELA: Then go get help!
FERNANDO: B...
PAMELA: Just go get help!
FERNANDO: Okay! [runs outside and rides away on his bike]
LORRAINE: I can't believe she's... dead...
PETE: I bet the birds got her too...
GUY: That's just like that Alfred Hitchcock movie, dawg.
GINA: It's not just that! Ricky's gone! [holds up notebook]
BROOKE: [smacking Gina upside the head] Shut up Gina!
GINA: What?
PAMELA: Do you guys even realize there's a serial killer running around these woods?!
TRE: Ok! No! [slams down his lighter] Don't you know anything? First of all, the murder is one of us in this room. Second of all, a person can't be classified as a serial killer if they've only killed two people!
PAMELA: Then what do YOU suggest we do?
TRE: We have to figure out who wasn't here, in the kitchen, when Courtney died.
[all begin chattering amongst themselves]
TRE: Shut up! I'm gonna call everybody's name, and just raise your hand... don't scream... if you know that that person was here... Pamela [all hands]... Gina [all hands, some eye rolling from Lorraine]... Guy [Lucas raises hand along with others]
LUCAS: He was here!
TRE: Shut up!
LUCAS: The "shoo shoo shoo" lady was nicer...
TRE: [gives Lucas an evil look] ... Lorraine [all hands]... Brooke [Lorraine and Gina raise hands]...Pete [Tre raises hand]... He was there... Lucas...
GUY: We were talking about Tupac, dawg!
TRE: [rolls eyes]... Nicole [all hands]... and I was here...
PAMELA: No, we have to raise hands! [all raise hands] That's... better.
[Tre rolls eyes]
GUY: Dawg! The kid did it! and we let him escape!
NICOLE: He's only nine...
GUY: Oh yeah, I forgot.
PETE: It's almost... night...
GINA: Well, if somebody dies, at least we'll know who the killer is!
[Brooke smacks Gina upside the head... again]

Act IV, scene ii

[all who are alive are upstairs in their PJ's in the hallway]
TRE: Somebody should keep guard tonight.
GUY: I do it, dawg. [goes into "striped room", grabs a chair, the Tan-tan, and a baseball bat]
PAMELA: What is all that for?
GUY: I gotta sit down, dawg, and the bat's for protection.
NICOLE: What about that thing? [points at Tan-tan]
GUY: Um... uh... that's to scare 'em away... [picks it up]... Grrr...
GINA: See ya in the morning!
NIKKI: Hopefully...
[all go to respective rooms]

Act IV, scene iii

[Nikki (who is holding the video camera so you are seeing things from her view) is in hallway, watching Guy, who is asleep holding the Tan-tan]
GUY: No, you don't understand, it's not like that... he's my... he's my brother...
[Nikki continues walking... through Ranger Alice's room and into the computer room, where Gina is sleeping, holding a Ricky Martin doll and smiling pleasantly]
[gloved hands are holding a pillow, and they use it to suffocate Gina. You see arms and legs flailing madly, and then it abruptly stops]

ACt V, scene i

[Pamela is shaking Guy violently]
GUY: [jerks awake] Yoda?! [notices everybody staring at him] Uh, hey dawgs...uh, w-what's up?
PAMELA: I thought you said you would keep watch...
GUY: I did!
PAMELA: You were asleep!
GUY: Uh, I was meditatin' dawg, gettin' in touch with the force.
BROOKE: Wait a minute, you guys, Gina's not here.
[all exchange looks]

Act V, scene ii

[all are in computer room]
[Gina is lying, dead obviously, clinging desperately to her Ricky doll]
BROOKE: Oh my God!
NICOLE: Maybe she's just asleep.
[Lorraine inches casually over to computer desk]
TRE: [picks up Gina's arm and let's fall] She's not asleep.
[Lorraine nonchalantly steals the "Three Stooges" mouse pad on the computer desk and puts it behind her back]
LORRAINE: What are we gonna do with her?
LUCAS: Well, uh, Courtney's in the bathtub.
PAMELA: We can't just pile her in the bathtub on top of Courtney!
[Guy laughs, Tre smiles]
LUCAS: I don't get it...
TRE: We'll put them both in here. No one else is sleeping in here anyway. Guy, Lucas, go get Courtney and bring her in here.
LUCAS: What if he's the killer?
TRE: I'll go with you.
LUCAS: But what if you're the killer?
TRE: Ok, there's two of you, and one of me.
LUCAS: Oh, ok.
[Tre, Lucas, and Guy leave]
PAMELA: I think Guy is the murderer.
PETE: He could be working for the birds!
BROOKE: I got up to go to the bathroom last night around 12:30 and he was already asleep, so it can't be him.
PAMELA: Well, then maybe it was you.
LORRAINE: Pamela, you're the smart one here. You can figure out how to kill people...maybe you did it.
[Guys come in carrying Courtney]
TRE: What are you guys arguing about?
[they all start accusing each other]
TRE: Shut up! You're going about this completely the wrong way! If you can't calm down, we're all gonna end up dead!
[pause for dramatic moment]
LUCAS: Wanna go outside?

Act V, scene iii

[show people jumping around on trampoline and in pool]
[show inside the house, outside of the downstairs bathroom]
PAMELA: Come on, Lorraine, hurry up!
LORRAINE: (from bathroom) Shut up! I'm coming!
PAMELA: (waits a minute) Come on, everybody else is already outside.
[muffled noises]
PAMELA: What was that? Are you okay in there? [tries door; it's locked, so she freaks out, runs outside and calls for everyone to come inside]
[everybody runs in and are standing in front of the bathroom door]
TRE: Well, did you try the door?
PAMELA: What kind of idiot do you think I am? Of course I tried the door! It's locked.
GUY: I'll kick the door in...
TRE: No, you use bobby pins for these types of things.
[takes bobby pin out of Brooke's hair and picks lock]
BROOKE: Oh LOrd...
GUY: Dawg...

Act VI, scene i

[guys except for Pete are carrying Lorraine into the "dead room", and everyone else is standing around]
LUCAS: I'm hungry...
[all are in kitchen]
[Tre and Lucas are searching for food]
TRE: Well, we've got some bread...
[Pete jumps]
PETE: I cannot eat bread.
LUCAS: We've also got some noodles. [starts to nibble on one]
GUY: Do we have any tomatoes?
[Tre digs around in the fridge]
TRE: Yeah, there's some tomatoes.
GUY: Well, I could make us some spaghetti...
PAMELA: You can cook?
GUY: Of course I can cook!
NIKKI: Want some help?
GUY: No one can be in my kitchen when I cook.
[all stare at him oddly]
GUY: Go get ready for dinner [does the "shoo shoo shoo" hand motion]
[all go upstairs while Guy begins dinner]

Act VI, scene ii

[Guy is in the kitchen wearing an apron and sirring the noodles... and singing...]
GUY: Duh duh duhduhduh duh duh duhduhduh duh duh duhduhduh duh.... (Star Wars theme song)
[Brooke is coming downstairs]
BROOKE: Duh duh duh...
[Guy looks up with a "what is that" look, but continues singing]
BROOKE AND GUY: (in unison) Duh duh duhduhduh duh duh duhduhduh duh duh duhduhduh duh...
GUY: I didn't know you liked Star Wars.
BROOKE: I love Star Wars.

Act VI, scene iii

[in dining room]
[Guy and Brooke are setting table while humming the Dargh Vader song]
PAMELA: [comes downstairs] Hey, this looks really good.
GUY: What, huh?
PAMELA: I said it looks good.
GUY: Uh, thanks...
[Tre (Steve) comes downstairs wearing khaki pants, a polo shirt, and a sweater tied around his shoulders]
STEVE: This smells great!
[all stare at him in disbelief]
STEVE: What?
BROOKE: Tre, are you feeling alright?
STEVE: Oh yeah, I feel fine, and please, call me Steve.
[Lucas comes downstairs with a handful of dry noodles, still nibbling on one]
LUCAS: I'm not hungry anymore you guys... These noodles are really good.
[everybody stares at him]
LUCAS: You want one?
GUY: You spoiled your dinner. I spent HOURS cooking for you people, and you spoiled your dinner!?
LUCAS: I'm sorry, but these noodles are really good!
[Guy takes noodles away from Lucas]
LUCAS: Hey...
GUY: Dawg, just don't talk.
LUCAS: B...
[Guy raises his hand and starts talking gibberish. Then he stares at the noodles for a moment, smiles and throws all but two noodles over his shoulder. Lucas scrambles frantically to pick them up and begins nibbling on them in a mouselike fashion. Guy hands Brooke a "light saber" (a noodle), and they begin reenacting the "Luke I am your father" scene from Star Wars]
[Nikki comes downstairs] PAMELA: Your hair looks nice.
NIKKI: Thanks.
[Guy and Brooke are still acting out Star Wars when Guy's "light saber" suddenly breaks]
GUY: Hey... that's not supposed to happen. Lucas, give me another one.
LUCAS: (clutching the noodles to his chest) No! They're mine!!
[Guy starts walking towards Lucas, and lucas bolts upstairs with Guy and Brooke in pursuit]
STEVE: Wait a minute... where's Pete?
[Steve, Pamela, and Nikki run downstairs in search of Pete. Pamela and Nikki are looking around. Steve notices that the door is open and shushes them to be quiet.]
STEVE: Shhh... (whispering) ... The door to the garage is open.
[Pamela and Nikki gasp and cling on to either side of Steve]
[Steve taps door open with his foot]
[facial expressions go from terrified to... "huh?"]
[Pete is crouching on the opposite corner of the garage rocking back and forth]
PETE: I can eat the bread. I can eat the bread. I can...
[a male scream is heard]
[Everyone looks at each other in terror]
STEVE: I think it was outside.
[all link arms and go inside and creep slowly to the sliding glass door and go outside. They see Lucas sprawled on his back clutching the noodles - dead. All look up at the deck on the second floor to see Brooke and Guy looking down at Lucas with an "oh shit" look]

Act VI, scene iv

[Jim (who played Lucas) is sitting in a chair wearing nice clothes with his legs crossed, holding a noddle in one hand like a cigarette]
JIM: And Jim fell off the deck...
[takes a bite of the noddle]
[Fade Out]

Act VII, scene i

[Steve and Pamela are carrying Lucas... Steve with the arms and Pamela with the feet. Once they get upstairs...]
PAMELA: He's too heavy.[drops his feet]
STEVE: I'll take care of this. You guys take Brooke and Guy and... um... lock 'em in a closet.
[Pamela, Nikki, and Pete push Brooke and Guy into the closet in the "Striped Room". They are protesting.]

Act VII, scene ii

[Pamela, Nikki, Pete, and Steve are sitting at the kitchen table discussing what to do with Brooke and Guy]
[Steve is conducting the "meeting"]
STEVE: Okay, who was the first to die? Courtney, right? Do any of you remember if Brooke or Guy were with us when she died?
PETE: Yeah, Guy was talkin' to me about some bird movie. (shudders)
STEVE: Ok, what about Brooke?
[all look at each other with an "uh oh" look]
[shot of closet... Guy and Brooke are sitting on the floor looking extremely bored]
[back in kitchen]
STEVE: Okay, what about when Gina died?
PAMELA: We were all asleep.
NIKKI: But Guy was in the hallway.
PAMELA: ...and Brooke got up to go to the bathroom, remember?
[another "uh oh" look]
[shot of closet... more boredom... until Brooke tries to take a bite out of her "light saber", and Guy grabs her wrist]
GUY: NO! Dawg, we don't know how long we're gonna be in here. That noodle may be our one chance at survival!
[back to kitchen]
STEVE: Okay, Lorraine died next.
PETE: GUy was trying to get me to go swimming, but it was too cold. I told him it was too cold, but he didn't care!!!
PAMELA: It's okay, Pete. Calm down.
STEVE: Brooke was there too, so it can't be them.
[back to closet]
[Brooke is rummaging around, and she finds a box with X-Files action figures in it]
BROOKE: The truth isn't OUT THERE.... it's IN HERE!!
GUY: Huh?
BROOKE: Look! [opens up box]
GUY: Ooooooo.....
[back to other people walking up the stairs]
NIKKI: You guys, we know it wasn't them, and we know it wasn't any of us...
STEVE: It was probably just some random maniac.
PETE: So we're save now?
NIKKI: That's what I'm thinking.
PAMELA: Well, we can let them out of the closet now, right?
[walk into the "striped room" and unlock the closet door and open it]
[Brooke is finishing up the hallway scene from the X-Files movie, and right before Mulder and Scully kiss, you hear Guy acting out the caveman/alien scene from the beggining of the movie as he makes a raptor squeal type sound]
PAMELA: Maybe we should leave them in here...
BROOKE: [after a second or two looks up] (whining) But we didn't do anything...
[Brooke makes Scully collapse]
[Guy (after a pause) pickes up the alien and makes it scream again]
STEVE: You guys, I think we all need a good night's sleep.

Act VII, scene iii

[all are in hall in PJ's]
PAMELA: Good night everybody! See you all tomorrow.
GUY: Good luck.
[all walk into rooms - the guys into the "striped room" and the girls into the "flower room"]

Act VII, scene iv

[morning] [shots of each room... Pamela and Steve are both creeping towards the doors of their respective rooms.]
[Both stick their heads out the door and scream when they see each other]
STEVE: Everybody alive over there?
PAMELA: Yeah, how 'bout over there?
STEVE: Uh huh...
STEVE AND PAMELA: Wow... (nodding)

ACT VII, scene v

[breakfast]
[Guy and Brooke are bringing toast over to the table, one by one]
PAMELA: You guys, I don't want to jinx this, but I think we may be out of the woods. I mean, nobody died last night. Maybe whoever it was is gone.
PETE: I propose a toast... (holds up his piece of toast)... To the peaceful coexistence of men, birds, and bread...
[all look at him strangely, then shrug]
ALL: To the peaceful coexistence of men, birds, and bread.
[Pamela and Pete take large bites of toast]
[Guy and Brooke set toast in front of Steve and Nicole, but as they pick it up, Pamela and Pete keel over dead. Steve and Nicole throw their toast at each other and scream.]
[Brooke and Guy look at each other.]
GUY: Aw, dawg... not again.

Act VIII, scene i

[all are sitting on the couch in the "quilt room"]
STEVE: Okay, I saw we do something to calm our nerves.
NIKKI: How exactly do you suggest we calm our nerves down now?
STEVE: Well, the other day, I think I saw some movies down here somewhere...[goes over to the movie rack and starts naming random movies]
Men in Black...Toy Story...Monty Python and the Holy Grail... Star Wars...
GUY AND BROOKE: Star Wars??!!

Act VIII, scene ii

[everyone is sitting on the couch...girl, boy, girl, boy, in the middle of watching Return of the Jedi]
NIKKI: Isn't this cozy... girl, boy, girl, boy...
GUY AND BROOKE: Shhhhhhh... [put fingers to their lips]
[all hear a noise outside]
[all jump][Brooke clings to Guy]
NIKKI: What was that?
STEVE: Maybe it's Fernando, back with the police.
NIKKI: Let's go see.
[all head towards door. Guy goes out first. Nikki follows, Steve starts to follow, but Brooke yanks him back.]
BROOKE: Shhhhh....
STEVE: What, what, what? What's going on?
BROOKE: (serious) I have to tell you something...
STEVE: (nervous) What? We need to get outside.
BROOKE: It's her! (a yelled whisper)
STEVE: [frowns and looks at her like... "what?"]
BROOKE: She's the one that killed everyone.
STEVE: (yells) WHAT?!
BROOKE: Shut up! They'll hear you.
STEVE: (looks confused for a minute) Wait, how do you know this?
BROOKE: You have to trust me on this.
STEVE: Well, we have to go warn Guy.
[Guy screams]
[Brooke and Steve look at each other]
[Nikki storms in]
NIKKI: It's too late.
STEVE: We know it's you! [steps in front of Brooke]
NIKKI: Get out of the way!
STEVE: No! It has to end, right now!
NIKI: [looks over Steve's shoulder at Brooke, and then looks at Steve] You're right. It does.
[Brooke whacks Steve over the head with a hard yet soft object (we have yet to decide what the object will be)]
[Steve falls to the ground]
[Brooke and Nikki stand there looking at each other]
BROOKE: [looks down at Steve] Well... it's done.
NIKKI: Yeah, with no thanks to you!
BROOKE: What are you talking about?
NIKKI: You were about to give away our entire plan!
BROOKE: Yeah, but you killed Guy and that wasn't part of the plan. I thought we agreed to let him live.
NIKKI: We were going to, until you were going to let your new best friend in on the whole thing.
BROOKE: Well, it doesn't really matter now, does it?
NIKKI: (almost says something)... Well... no. The fact that you were gonna bail on me doesn't really matter now. What does matter though is that we get out of here before the police really do come.
BROOKE: Well, what about him?
NIKKI: You hit him pretty hard. He's probably gone, and if he's not, he will be soon anyway.
BROOKE: Yeah, you're right.
NIKKI: Of course I am.
BROOKE: Ya know, I'm kinda hungry.
NIKKI: We should probably get some food for the road.
BROOKE: Can we bring some Twinkies? I like Twinkies... They taste... nice.
[Nikki gives her an odd look]
BROOKE: Please, Nikki... you killed Guy. You could at least let me have a twinkie.
NIKKI: Don't call me Nikki. Call me... Bree... Bree Vacareir.
BROOKE: Ooooh, that's a good name. Can I be.... Ju Ju Chang? I watch her every morning. She is so cool... and very punctual!
NIKKI: Um, no.
BROOKE: Tea Leoni?
NIKKI: NO!
BROOKE: How about Lisa Simpson?
NIKKI: How about Dana Evans?
BROOKE: Ooooo... that's another good name. I like it..... now can I have a twinkie?
BREE: Fine, go get the stupid twinkie. Then let's get out of here before the cops come.

Act VIII, scene iii

[show Bree and Dana walking into the woods]
[car pulls up and two cops and Fernando step out]
OFFICER #1: Is this the place?
FERNANDO: Yeah. [goes and plays]

Act VIII, scene iv

[police do their "police thing" and walk inside]
#1: I think we should split up.
#2: You go that way. I'll go this way.
#1: Okay... [both begin walking]... Do you smell that?
#2: What?
#1: Do you smell that?
#2: Yeah...
#1: It smellsl ike...
#2: Toast?
#1: No... death!
[both come around corner and scare each other and squirt their water guns at each other]
#1: Toast... (seeing the toast on the floor)
#2: Death... (seeing Pamela and Pete dead)... We were both right...
#1: I think something's going on here.
#2: I think you might be right.
#1: Let's split up... again. I'll go upstairs, and you go downstairs.
[downstairs in the "quilt room"] [#2 sees Steve on the floor, checks his pulse, and gives a sigh of relief]
[#2 squirts Steve in the face with his water gun to wake him up]
STEVE: I didn't... I didn't... I didn't start the fire... come on, get away from me... come on... (whiny and mumbling)
#1: [comes downstairs with Ranger Alice by the arm] My God... what are you doing?
#2: [looks up but continues squirting] What are YOU doing?
#1: I found her upstairs... I think she may be our suspect.
[Ranger Alice is nervously twitching]
STEVE: Cut it out... [sits up]... come one... stop it! I'm all wet! Wait a minute... where am I? ... and what am I wearing?

Act VIII, scene v

[Bree and Dana re walking on the side of the road, hitchhiking... Dana is eating a twinkie]
DANA: Do you want a bite of my twinkie?
BREE: No. [car drives up]
DRIVER: Need a lift?
[Bree and Dana smile and they drive off into the sunset with "America" by Bree Sharp playing in the background]