ALL THE THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

1. My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - 'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I

just finished cleaning!'

2. My mother taught me RELIGION - 'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - 'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of

next week!'

4. My mother taught me LOGIC - 'Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT - 'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

6. My mother taught me IRONY - 'Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out.'

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - 'Shut your mouth and eat your supper!'

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - 'Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!'

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA - 'You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished.'

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER - 'It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.'

11. My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - 'If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward

you; would you listen then?'

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - 'If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!'

13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - 'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me about ENVY - 'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have

wonderful parents like you do!'