ER: The Movie
Starring:
Gillian Anderson as Kerry Weaver
David Duchovny as Luka Kovach
Keanu Reeves as John Carter
Jeri Ryan as Susan Lewis
Lucy Lui as Jing Mei Chen
Lisa Linde as Abby Lockhart
Elizabeth Hurly as Elizabeth Corday
Paul McCrane as Robert Romano
Patrick Stewart as Mark Greene
Puff Daddy as Greg Pratt
And Also
50 cent as Gallant
Let’s start the movie!
[Fade into a shot of the staff of ER, and all of the actors mentioned sitting at a premiere for a movie] [The ER staff is in the second row and in the first row are the celebrities that are playing them in the movie]
Weaver: This better be good
Carter: Don’t Bogart the popcorn Abby
Abby: Shut up the movie is about to start!
~Movie~
Gillian: Yes Robert I’m a lesbian and I am proud of it, if you have a problem with that you can go bleep yourself!
Paul: Oh yeah? Well I’ll have you know that I don’t give a rats ass! Now get in there and save that little baby girl!
[Gillian does a soap opera stare and then dramatically walks into the trauma room behind her]
~Theater~
Weaver: Oh look I’m played by Gillian Anderson!
Romano: And I’m Paul McCrane, I always knew he’d portray me in a movie one day!
Carter: SHHHH!
~Movie~
Keanu: I can’t…stop…taking the…drugs…they are my…uh my…LINE?
Off Camera Whisper: LIFE!
Keanu: Right…My Life!
~Theater~
Director: We did 50 takes and that was the best one
Carter: Did you have to cast Keanu Reeves as me? What about um…you know that guy who plays batman?
Director: Val Kilmer?
Carter: No the other one
Director: Michael Keaton?
Carter: No the other one
Director: Adam West?
Carter: No you know…the dude with the hair!
Director: That could be anyone…
Carter: NOAH WYLE!
Everyone: SHHHHH!
Director: he never played Batman are you insane?
~Movie~
Hurly: God damn it Mark she’s my daughter!
Patrick Stewart: She’s MY Daughter too!
Hurly: THEN PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND START ACTING LIKE IT!
Stewart: DON’T Tell me what to do WOMAN!
[Elizabeth hurly slaps Patrick Stewart]
~Theater~
Greene: That didn’t happen!
Corday: And I’m not anorexic like that stupid Elizabeth Hurly tramp!
Abby: SHHHHH!
~Movie~
Lisa: Carter please let us help you! We want to pull you out of that black hole of drugs you call your life!
Keanu: I am but a man…if I eat bad guacamole do I not blow chunks? If you prick me…do I not get bummed out? [Trademark Keanu Reeves eyebrow thing here]
Jeri: Can’t you see you are tearing this ER A…Um…Uh…LINE?
Off camera whisper: APART!
Jeri: Oh yeah I knew that!
~Theater~
Susan: Oh please tell me that air head isn’t supposed to be me!
Abby: At least you got some one that everyone has already heard of…who the hell is Lisa Linde?
Carter: Hey I’m not that s…uh…LINE?
Off Camera whisper: STUPID
Carter: Dude that’s not what I was going to say
[Weaver throws her shoe at him]
~Movie~
Puff Daddy: You better ease on up before I start bustin caps in peoples butts!
50 Cent: I’m just trying to help out yo!
Puff Daddy: Yo bitch hand me that thing that you cut with!
[Lucy Lui is dressed like one of P Diddy’s hoes, she giggles and hands him a scalpel]
Lui: Here you go P Daddy
Puff: that’s P Diddy
50 Cent: MAN! I’m Sick of this Bull! [He pulls out a gun and shoots Puff Daddy] You ain’t nothing now is you BITCH?!
~Movie~
Gallant: My word could that be any farther from the truth Pratt?
Pratt: GREG IN THE HIZZY YO!!
Chen: I can’t believe they would portray us like that!
Romano: Am I the only one who is happy with their character actor?
Everyone: YES!
Romano: Score one for Romano then [he gets up and high fives Paul McCrane]
~Movie~
Jeri: I’m so scared Kerry, I think I found a breast lump [She pulls off her shirt]
Gillian: It’s okay, I’m sure everything is going to be alright [She starts to give Jeri Ryan a breast exam the complete wrong way]
~Theater~
Gillian: Man my agent better hopes that check clears!
Weaver: That’s NOT how you give a breast exam!
Romano: It isn’t? [Corday Slaps him in the back of the head]
~Movie~
Duchovny: [In a really bad fake French accent] I’m sorry but it seems like your daughter has been stricken with terrible boneitus.
Mother: That’s TERRIBLE! [She puts her hand on Duchovny’s arm] Doctors make me so HOT
Duchovny: Want to go it?
Off screen whisper: HE’S CROATIAN NOT FRENCH!
Duchovny: What the hell is a Croatian?
~Theater~
Luka: You have INSULTED ME! [He flies over the chairs and starts to beat the crap out of David Duchovny]
~Movie~
Gillian: Listen doctor Romano, I want our baby to have the best chance possible [She motions to a Man in drag standing next to her…a very obvious man in drag] Sandy and I think it would be best if you donated the sperm for my child.
McCrane: Yes but…what kind of father could I ever be to that child?
Man in Drag: Man these panties are bunching
~Theater~
Carter: Wow I wonder how much they paid Sandy to be in the movie
Weaver: Yeah me too
Sandy: HEY! [Sitting behind Weaver in the theater, next to the man in drag who played her in the movie] [Weaver turns to the man in Drag]
Weaver: Shut up Sandy I’m trying to watch the movie
Man in Drag: I’m not Sandy
Weaver: Yeah whatever [She turns back around]
~Movie~
Jeri: You are going to have to tell your wife about the tumor like…um…really soon.
Patrick: I have to do NOTHING of the SORT! [Makes yet another dramatic Exit] [Jeri gets up and starts to do a strip tease]
~Theater~
Susan: Oh Lord!
Carter: My pants are Tight!
Abby: EWWW! [Dumps her soda in his lap]
Carter: I hope the sticky feeling is just soda
~Movie~
[Gillian is giving birth to a baby and Paul is standing on one side of her and the man in drag who is playing Sandy is standing on the other side of her with a huge cigar in his mouth] [The baby is born and Sandy cuts the cord and Paul brings the baby to Gillian]
Gillian: he’s beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
McCrane: He will always be my first born son [wipes a tear out of his eye]
Gillian: I love you Robert!
Paul: LETS GET MARRIED!
[They join in a kiss and the movie ends]
~Theater~
Weaver: What the FARK-BOT was that all about?
Pratt: Well my shiniggies I’m FIZ-AMOUS now!
Chen: I am so humiliated right now
Carter: Can I get your autograph [Talking to the man in Drag]
Sandy: THAT’S NOT ME!
Carter: Huh? [Looks her over] Nice try…you may be Sandy now but just wait until I remove this WIG! [He jumps on the real Sandy and tries to pull her hair off…no one stops him]
Weaver: Hey Sandy! [Yells at the man in drag] Are you coming to the wrap party?
Man In Drag: Why not?
Carter: WHY WON’T THIS WIG COME OFF?
Abby: Does anyone want to tell him?
Romano: NO! Hopefully he’ll accidentally kill her.
THE END
To a Very Bad Parody!