The ER Files Revisited
Corday: How many times do I have to tell you, you can’t
smoke in here!
CSM: Look I work for the evil government if you let me
smoke I’ll see to it that you survive alien colonization.
Corday: BUT YOU ARE HAVING PART OF YOUR LUNG REMOVED!
[Pull back to see CSM is laying on the operating table]
CSM: I’ve smoked through worse.
~In the ER~
Weaver: YOU! Get to work!
Scully: I don’t work here.
Weaver: You do now, [Hands her some scrubs]
Scully: But…
Weaver: No butts I see enough of those during the day
[Starts to walk off]
Scully: Bitch
Weaver: I heard that! That’s it, you are on official
enema duty!
Mulder: Ha ha you said Duty
Scully: DAMN IT!
~Later~
Carter: PSST…got any vicodin?
Scully: No
Carter: Codine?
Scully: No
Carter: Ya hay?
Scully: Ya hay.
Carter: Ya hay?
Scully: Don’t tell anyone about this [Hands him a small
bottle]
Carter: Sweet [Runs off] [Scully spots Mulder about to
eat a donut and she runs over to him and takes it and eats it]
Mulder: HEY!
Scully: I’ve been giving enemas all morning and I’m
starved!
Mulder: I hope you washed your hands.
Scully: Uh [Looks around] yeah I sure did.
Mulder: Well I’m not hungry any more.
Scully: Where did you get this anyway? [Swallows the rest
of the donut]
Mulder: Gas station men’s room vending machine…
Scully: WHAT?!
Mulder: Hey they were only 25 cents each.
Scully: What do you mean “THEY”
Mulder: I bought 4 [Rolls his eyes]
Scully: Where are the other three?
Mulder: In my pants, I’m trying to keep them warm.
Scully: Okay then I think it’s back to enema duty, what
are you doing around here anyway?
Mulder: Well I was doing some psych consultations and
[Sees Kim Legaspi walk by] Gotta go! [He runs after her]
Scully: I swear to god…[She sighs and picks up a chart]
Could things get any worse? [Looks down at the chart and sees the name Spender,
Jeffery] Oh GOD!
Mulder: Hello there, my name is Mulder…Fox Mulder and you are?
Legaspi: Dr. Kim Legaspi [Smiles and shakes his hand
having no idea that he totally wants to bone her]
Mulder: Nice to meet you, so what are you doing?
Legaspi: Right now I’m taking a break, care to join me?
Mulder: Cool [He winks and gives her a thumbs up she just
looks at him weird and heads into the lounge he follows as he checks out her
ass] [Romano is in the break room throwing darts at a picture of Weaver and
drinking coffee]
Romano: Ha right between the eyes.
Mulder: Why do you hate her so much?
Romano: Why are you even talking to me? [He gets up and
leaves] [Mulder raises an eyebrow and then looks back to Kim]
Legaspi: He does that sometimes…well all the time.
Mulder: Don’t worry I work with people like him.
[Thinking about Doggette] Where are those two anyway?
Doggette: Well that’s the last time I volunteer to sponge
bathe the homeless burn victims.
Reyes: Well they have to get clean somehow…
Doggette: Two
words…WET NAPS. [He takes out a bottle of purell and dumps half of it into his
hands] God I need to wash my eyes.
Reyes: Wet naps?
Doggette: They are free and plentiful especially at
BW3’s…which has no affiliation with this parody what so ever.
Reyes: Right…weren’t we supposed to be investigating
something?
Doggette: Hmm [Pulls out a schedule note book] [Inside it
says Mania for one day and depression for the next and it alternates days as he
flips through a month or two] Something about people suddenly liking daytime
TV.
Reyes: Where does that say that in there? [Looking in his
little book]
Doggette: Right there [He points]
Reyes: Where? [Doggette pulls out a men in black flashy
thing and flashes her]
Doggette: Lets go look for clues of a virus.
Reyes: I like Cats.
CSM: Well I’m going home now
Corday: You are in an iron lung!
CSM: Well then can I at least have a cigarette?
Weaver: So what seems to be the problem Mr. [Looks at the
chart] Krycek
Krycek: I can’t feel my arm! [Holds his fake arm looking
panicked] I CAN”T FEEL IT!
Weaver: Okay let me just take a look [Takes his hand in
hers and his arm falls off]
Krycek: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY ARM!
Weaver: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [She faints Krycek laughs
and picks up his arm and then starts stealing medical supplies]
Scully: My head hurts, [She sits down in the lounge and
puts a hand to her head] that stupid donut is making me sick.
Romano: Donuts? Where?
Scully: Mulder has some in his pants. [She lays down]
Romano: This isn’t code for anything is it?
Scully: Huh?
Romano: Hmmm [Thinks and then walks away] [Scully shakes
her head and looks up at the ceiling] [Mulder comes barging into the room]
Mulder: WHY Did she have to be a lesbian? [Rubbing his
cheek which is red cause he got slapped]
Scully: Guaranteed never to spoil or break!
Mulder: What?
Scully: 19.95 order now and we’ll cut the price in half!
Mulder: Are you okay Scully? [Walks over to her]
Scully: Buttered toast. [Mulder looks at her for a
moment]
Mulder: Did you hit your head on anything today?
Scully: Ha ha you said Head!
Mulder: Maybe we should get you a cat scan, [He takes her
arm and pulls her to her feet]
Scully: I’m allergic to cats you tree hole.
Mulder: Tree hole?
Scully: CHICKEN POT PIE!
Mulder: Okay time to go.
Romano: Okay what seems to be the problem and why are you
wasting my time?
Krycek: My arm…I CAN’T FEEL MY ARM! [Puts his hand on his
fake arm again] [Romano looks at him annoyed then he grabs his arm and pulls it
off] HEY!
Romano: Do you know how many times I used that excuse to
get out of doing something? [Shows Romano his fake arm] Besides you are doing
it all wrong.
Krycek: Did you know that apparently my fan base grew
after I lost my arm?
Romano: You’re kidding…mine too…so how many girls are you
banging? [he sits down next to Krycek]
Doctor 1: It appears that her brain tissue is slowly
destroying itself, I haven’t seen this kind of injury since that kid came in
here after watching 8 hours of Fox.
Doctor 2: She’s losing her intelligence…in only a matter
of hours she could…
Mulder: Die?
Doctor 1: No worse…she could be enjoying an episode of
the Osborne’s!
Mulder: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Scully: I do not like them Sam I am.
Mulder: Is there any known cure Dr. 1?
Doctor 1: Well first we are going to have to run some
tests to see what is causing this…[He pulls on a rubber glove with a perverted
smile plastered on his face]
Mulder: What kind of tests?
Scully: PAP SMEAR!
Mulder: WHAT??
Doctor 2: No she’s way off…we need to do a rectal exam.
Mulder: Why?
Doctor 1: Are you a doctor?
Mulder: No
Doctor 1: Then get the hell out of here! I don’t come
down to your job and tell you how to capture Aliens!
Mulder: YOU KNOW HOW TO CAPTURE ALIENS?!
Doctor 2: SECURITY!! [Two really hot women dressed in
police outfits come in and take Mulder away]
Scully: Remember to put your seats in a full and upright
position until the cow has come to a complete MOO.
[The door shuts and Mulder suddenly realize that the Cops
are really hot so he forgets about Scully and starts to flirt with them]
Officer Luscious: Stop touching my ass
Mulder: But…
Officer Kitty: We’re lesbians
Mulder: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
Doggette: Why are we in the morgue?
Reyes: Cause it’s fun, [she walks over to one of the
bodies laying on a table and takes his hand and sticks a finger up his nose]
Doggette: Stop doing that! We have to get to work! Look
for anyone that might not have a brain.
Reyes: Why?
Doggette: Because the virus we are investigating slowly
dissolves the brain until the victim watches Ricky Lake and listens to Brittany
Spears.
Reyes: That’s HORRIBLE! [She picks up a box that says
“Medical prod” and opens it and pulls out a stick and starts poking random
bodies]
Doggette: Where did you get that?
Reyes: From a box over there [Points to a shelf of
supplies] It’s a medical stick.
Doggette: A medical stick?
Reyes: Yeah [Pokes another random body]
Doggette: Gross
Scully: The planes in Spain rain mainly in the drain.
Mulder: It’s going to be okay Scully, we are going to
find out what’s wrong with you and cure it.
Scully: Hi kids do you like violence?
Mulder: NO! Some one help! [Dr. Greene runs into the room
looking concerned]
Greene: what is it?
Mulder: She’s starting to quote Eminem!
Greene: WHAT?! SHE’S TOO YOUNG TO LOOSE HER BRAIN! [He
grabs Scully and starts shaking her] Snap out of it! You’re a DOCTOR For God
sake!
Mulder: Yeah! Get a hold of yourself! [He slaps Mark]
[Mark looks at him annoyed]
Greene: You’re supposed to slap her genius.
Mulder: My bad.
Scully: More ovaltine please! I WANT MY MTV!
Greene: Did they figure out what is causing this yet?
Mulder: Not yet we are waiting on the results, Here
Scully play with this [He hands her a cup and ball toy]
Scully: Getin Jiggy with it!
Greene: Not will Smith! GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF! [He slaps
Mulder]
Mulder: HEY!
Greene: I’m going to go find Carter, he might be able to
help us.
Mulder: Why do you say that?
Greene: because…did you ever watch Star Trek the next
generation?
Mulder: All the time, why?
Greene: Remember Wesley?
Mulder: That stupid little wiener boy who always wore the
gay pride sweaters and inadvertently saved the day every time?
Greene: That’s the one. Anyway Carter is like this show’s
Wesley and I’m hoping he’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong before we go
through the normal routine of sending every doctor in here before he has his
little epiphany.
Mulder: I hope he doesn’t wear a stupid gay pride
sweater.
Greene: No…but I’m willing to bet he would if his
grandmother got him one. [They both look at each other and shudder] Stay here
with her I’ll be back with Carter.
Mulder: HURRY!
Scully: The Cheese will not get far!
Greene: and what ever you do don’t let her watch any UPN!
It will accelerate the process, turn on CNN or something.
Mulder: Gotcha!
Weaver: God I’m tired [She sits down and sees a box of
donuts on the table and takes one] Only three more hours and then they can film
me in the shower again. [Eats the donut, ominously creepy music plays] What the
hell was that?
[Next we see Romano standing on the elevator, he looks
around suspiciously and then presses all the buttons and gets off laughing
evilly to himself]
Krycek: Hey Mulder what are you doing here…and why are
you watching CNN?
Mulder: Scully’s sick she has some sort of brain disorder
that makes her increasingly stupid.
Krycek: Hmmm [Walks over to Scully] Hey there Dana
Scully: The moon in June tastes yummy on a spoon! [She
smiles happily at him] CLEANS WITH THE POWER OF OXYGEN!
Krycek: This is so cool! Say something else!
Scully: On those not so fresh days try LATEX CONDOMS!
Mulder: Stop encouraging her!
Krycek: You don’t think this is funny? SHE’S AN IDIOT!
Mulder: SHUT UP! I DON’T WANT HER TO THINK THE SHOWS ON
UPN ARE FUNNY! SHE’S TOO GOOD FOR THAT!
Krycek: Get a hold of yourself! [He slaps Scully]
Scully: I don’t want no scrubs! [Scully slaps Mulder,
then Mulder slaps Krycek, then Krycek punches Mulder in the face, and Mulder
passes out]
Krycek: Not so pretty now are you? [He walks out of the
room]
Scully: Come on Ham Ham’s we have to save Laura!
[Weaver is walking down the hall when she sees Mark, he
runs up to her]
Greene: Have you seen Carter? It’s important.
Weaver: Roody tooty fresh and fruity?
Greene: Oh God…not you too…I know I’ll run a test [He
thinks for a moment] What’s your favorite television station?
Weaver: UPN THE BLOCK!
Greene: Oh crap…Come with me I don’t want you to hurt
yourself.
Weaver: Like crack on an hour glass so are the hair balls
of change. [Greene grabs her arm and starts on his search for Carter again]
[We see Romano walking into the lounge trying to look
casual, he walks over to the coffee and pours a whole bottle of Spanish fly in]
[He laughs evilly and walks away whistling]
[Carter is in the bathroom reading a book, yes reading a
book, not on the toilet though that visual is way to hilarious] [Dr. Green
bursts through the door]
Greene: Carter we have a problem…
Weaver: Set it and forget it!
Carter: What’s wrong with her?
Greene: I was hoping you would be able to tell me.
Carter: I’m sure what ever it is, it can’t be that bad
right? [Continues reading his book]
Weaver: Nice ass [She grabs Greene’s ass] [He yelps and
moves away from her]
Carter: DEAR GOD did HELL just freeze over? [He a playboy
magazine falls out from the book he was reading] How did that get in there?
Greene: I knew you were reading a playboy when I noticed
the book you were holding was upside down, lets get going.
Carter: Right! [Waits till Dr. Green and Dr. Weaver leave
the room and he picks up the magazine and starts reading it again] Alright miss
November! [Greene stick his head back in the bathroom]
Greene: NOW CARTER!
Carter: Right [He follows them out into the hallway]
Mulder: So are you a lesbian?
Corday: No I’m not.
Mulder: Good [Honks her boob, she slaps him really really
hard]
Corday: I’m married! And that was just RUDE!
Mulder: But definitely worth it
Corday: Hmm donuts [She takes one from the box by
Scully’s bed and eats it] Where did you get these?
Mulder: Men’s room at a gas station? [Corday swallows
hard]
Corday: Oh bloody hell! I think I need to get my stomach
pumped.
Scully: She never sleeps
Mulder: Who never sleeps?
Scully: Your Mom!
[Corday starts to laugh at that, Mulder looks at Corday
and honks her boobs again, Corday punches him in the face and he passes out]
Corday: I’m not that stupid yet. [She sits next to Scully
on the bed]
Greene: We got back as fast as we could but it looks like
Weaver may have caught the virus too. [Sees Mulder on the floor] What happened
to him?
Corday: Honk Honk [She honks Scully’s boobs] [Greene
looks at her for a moment deciding weather he should be confused or turned on
by that]
Greene: Right…[He looks at her] Are you okay?
Corday: Vote for Arnold! He’ll be back!
Greene: You have it too? DAMN IT!
Carter: Well everything looks okay here, [Still reading
the playboy he turns to walk out of the door]
Weaver: This tree was made for you and me!
Scully: Honk Honk! [She honks Corday’s boobs]
Carter: Oh yeah…[Watching them] Do it again…[Greene
punches Carter]
Greene: Oops how careless of me. [He nudges Mulder with
his foot a few times] Get up and tell me what’s going on here!
Mulder: Mommy?
Greene: NOT YOU TOO!
Krycek: no he always acts like an idiot.
Greene: Who the hell are you?
Krycek: I am the one armed man…
Greene: Romano?
Krycek: NO! My ass is nicer.
Romano: I HEARD THAT! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to
go put sugar in Weaver’s gas tank. [He laughs evilly and runs off]
Krycek: Well I have to go talk to the big guy upstairs.
Mulder: God?
Krycek: NO you idiot! The smoking man…god what is wrong
with you people today?
Scully: I named my nickel Phillip!
Corday: I named my boobs 7 and 9!
Weaver: I found a hat! [She puts a bed pan on her head]
Corday: I WANT ONE! [Jumps on Weaver trying to get the
bed pan away from her]
Scully: NO! I WANT ONE MORE!!! [Jumps on top of Corday, Mulder
and Greene just watch them trying to decide if they really need to break up the
fight or not]
Greene: HEY! HEY! HEY! [He pulls Corday to her feet and
takes the bedpan away from Weaver and tosses it aside, in the hall we hear it
hit something and then some one yells OW!]
Okay what did Elizabeth do right before she started acting this way?
Mulder: She had one of my donuts…but I really don’t think
that…
Greene: Where did you get the donuts?
Mulder: Men’s restroom in a gas station. [Green looks at
him like he’s an idiot]
Greene: Well that would explain the weird reaction they
are having, the preservatives in those things can cause tons of side effects!
Mulder: Like what?
Greene: You know, watching UPN, Buying things from J.
LO’s collection, developing a taste for N’SYNC, and of course your brain
dissolving.
Mulder: How do we help them?
Greene: Carter?
Carter: 40cc’s of Lidocayne! [Both Greene and Mulder
stare at him]
Greene: Why didn’t I think of that?
Mulder: huh?
Greene: Get me some Lidocayne stat!
Carter: I’m on it [Not moving from looking at his playboy
magazine]
Greene: CARTER!
Carter: Oh yeah…right! [He runs off]
Weaver: Get out of my mom…
Corday: And into my butt!
Greene: WHAT?
Mulder: At least they aren’t singing get out of my butt
and into my mouth again.
Greene: That is just wrong.
Mulder: I should go find Reyes and Doggette and tell them
that we found the source of the virus and that we can get the hell out of here.
Scully: OOOOOO You said HELL!
Corday: And OUT
Weaver: And THE!
Greene: Carter better hurry his ass up [He sits on the
bed next to Scully who is seeing how long she can hold her breath]
Mulder: I’ll be right back.
Reyes: Why are we even here we haven’t accomplished
anything!
Doggette: Who cares? We poke a few bodies scrub a few
homeless burn victims and get paid an ungodly amount of money from Fox and NBC.
Reyes: Cool [Lights a cigarette]
Doggette: You can’t smoke in the morgue.
Reyes: They’re already dead they aren’t going to care.
Doggette: In that case [He pulls out a cigarette] Got a
light? [Mulder bursts in]
Mulder: We found the source of the virus and the cure so
um get ready to leave…[Looks around] Why are you in the morgue?
Reyes: I didn’t do it! [She runs off]
Doggette: Um I really don’t know why we came in here but
it’s not like you needed us this episode.
Mulder: Well Okay then I guess you are right.
Doggette: Do I still get paid?
Corday: Don’t we have to leave this parody with something
sad happening? That’s the way ER always
ends.
Scully: Or with some extremely confusing…
Weaver: Or something really happy…
[Everyone is in the lounge, Doggette, Reyes, Mulder,
Scully, Corday, Romano, Weaver, Greene, Krycek, And CSM]
Mulder: Lets go with a cheesy ending where everything
works out! [Samantha walks in]
Sam: Hi Mulder it’s me and I’m not a clone this time!
Emily: MOMMY! [Runs over to Scully and hugs her]
Greene: I just found out that my brain tumor has
magically vanished! [He kisses Corday]
Reyes: Come here you hot sex monkey! [Pulls Doggette into
a Kiss] [Kim Legaspi walks in]
Kim: I’m sorry I was a bitch lets get back together! [Her and Weaver kiss]
Corday: But wait Mark, I’m in love with another man! [She
turns to Romano and kisses him]
CSM: I don’t have lung cancer any more! [He lights up a
cigarette] Ah that’s good I’m never going thirty seconds without a cigarette
again!
[Krycek’s arm spontaneously regenerates and Marita runs
into the room and starts making out with him]
[Cheesy Music plays and the end credits roll]
THE END