Hay Weavered

Part I: What about the moonlight?

“Elizabeth?” Kerry said in a very soft defeated voice when Corday answered the phone, it had taken her a moment to break away from the zone she was in and she would have been lying to herself if she said that she wasn’t contemplating suicide when Elizabeth called her, “I need to talk to some one can you, can you come over and talk to me? I need to talk…” She whispered into the receiver hoping that she was going to be able to come over. She didn’t know who else to turn to, Carter was busy waiting for his new child and she didn’t think she could bare to be around some one who was going to have a baby. Corday agreed to come over after telling Kerry not to do anything irrational and then she hung up the phone. Kerry let the line go dead before dropping the phone to the floor and standing up, if she had to hear the message on the answering machine with Sandy’s voice one more time she didn’t know what she would do. She headed into the kitchen where she took out a small glass and then a bottle of vodka. It wasn’t a shot glass but it would have to do, besides she knew that she was going to need a lot more then just one shot of vodka. She filled the glass half way and took a sip feeling it burn as it made it’s way down her throat and into her empty stomach, she didn’t care if she got plastered before Corday got there, as long as it prevented her from slitting her wrists and climbing into the bath tub with a picture of Sandy in one hand and Henry in the other. She slowly made her way back to the couch and sat down again taking another large gulp of her drink, it didn’t burn as much with the second sip.

“Kerry?” Elizabeth said softly as she stepped into the apartment, there were a few visible pictures of Sandy set out in various places along with many more pictures of Henry, and she knew that certainly wasn’t a good thing for Kerry to surround herself with, “The door was open so I just…”

“I know it was open, I need to talk to someone…I just need to talk.” She said again not realizing that she had been saying that over and over to herself even before Corday had arrived there. She took a few more gulps of her drink, but it didn’t seem to be working fast enough. She got up again and finished off the glass and stumbled her way into the kitchen totally forgetting that Elizabeth was standing in the doorway watching her.

“What are you…Kerry are you drunk?” Elizabeth asked in as calm of a voice as she could muster at the moment, the way Weaver was walking was definitely an indicator that she was drunk or at least a little tipsy. Kerry didn’t reply she just poured another glass of the clear liquid when she entered the kitchen and took a very long drink. Corday sighed and shut the door behind her, there was many a night after Mark had died when she had gotten trashed and regretted it in the morning, but she never considered killing herself and that’s probably what made the situation different. If Weaver woke up regretting what she did the night before she might actually kill herself over it, as for Corday there was no need to worry about something like that.

“Tell me how you felt after he died…how did it feel Lizzie?” Kerry was slurring her words but that didn’t stop her from taking another long drink from the glass she was holding. Corday walked into the kitchen and took the bottle away from her and poured it out in the sink. There was no protests from Weaver, who just stood there with her hands on the counter not bothering to look at Corday. Elizabeth didn’t know exactly what to tell her, or even what she wanted to hear, what was the point of going over this again she didn’t want to relive the day that she had found Mark in his bed.

“Well, Kerry,” She started off not exactly sure what her next words would be, she reached around to take the glass from Kerry so she could empty that out too but Weaver held her ground and wouldn’t let the glass be removed from her hand. What she did notice however was that etched into the glass were the words “Worlds Greatest Mother”. It wasn’t a mug it was more of just a regular drinking glass, well except for the words and Corday shook her head and let Weaver have her liquor it was going to be a lot easier in the long run, “I felt lost, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces and at that moment I didn’t know what I was going to do.”

“Did you see your life flash before your eyes? Did you…did the words in your head…did you think about how you were going to tell Ella about…” She paused and finished off what was in the glass before letting it fall to the floor where it shattered but Weaver didn’t even wince at the loud noise that it created, “Did you think about what you were going to tell Ella when she asked about her daddy?”

“Yes I did, and at that very moment I didn’t know what I was going to tell her, with time I suppose that I figured I would tell her the truth but at that moment,” She trailed off when she noticed that Kerry wasn’t going to pick up the glass, in fact Weaver was barefoot and she stepped on the pile of shards as she made her way back to the couch and she cut her foot but since she was drunk and zoned out she didn’t seem to feel the pain or notice the trail of blood she was leaving, “Kerry you’re bleeding.”

“Oh?” Was the only reply she got as the woman sat down on the couch and continued to stare into space once again. It was easier to go into shock, or get drunk, then to actually deal with the things she was feeling at this point. Corday sighed and found her way to the bathroom where she grabbed some supplies to bandage up Weaver’s foot hoping that she wasn’t going to need stitches. She came back out and got down by Weaver and took her foot in her hand before she started to pick out a few shards of glass that were stuck in the skin. None of the cuts were deep but she sure was bleeding a lot, nothing fatal, but there was still a lot of blood. It was bad enough that Weaver had to go through this by herself let alone taking her into the ER when she was drunk so Corday vowed to do anything she could to prevent that from happening. “My foot hurts.”

“I know, you cut it.” Corday replied as she started to clean out the wounds on Weaver’s foot, Weaver winced a little at the stinging sensation the disinfectant caused but she didn’t make a sound to express that she was in too much pain. Corday bandaged up her foot and then headed back into the kitchen to clean up the glass so Kerry couldn’t hurt herself again.

“Elizabeth?”

“Yes Kerry?” She carefully gathered as much glass as she could into her hands and threw the shards away in the trash can under the sink wondering if Weaver had it in her to actually go in there and get the glass to slit her wrists with. She didn’t want to leave the house if she knew there was anything in there that could potentially be used for suicide but on the other hand if Weaver really wanted to do it she would find a way no matter how safe the circumstances seemed to be.

“Will you hold me?” Was the reply she got, her words were slurring more and more but even so Elizabeth didn’t know if she actually wanted to hold Kerry in her arms. She walked back over to the couch and sat down next to Kerry getting ready to protest doing it when the woman moved into her arms anyway and rested her head on Corday’s chest and started to cry softly.

“I know, I know, it’ll be okay…” Corday said as she wrapped her arms around Weaver, at first she felt a little weird doing that but then a comforting instinct took over her and it wasn’t so awkward any more. She stroked Kerry’s hair softly and let her cry making soothing noises hoping to calm the woman down. Weaver was muttering things but they were too slurred together to make any sense so she decided that stroking her hair was enough to calm her down. She leaned forward just a little and picked up the remote that was on the coffee table and pressed the play button on the CD changer hoping to turn on some soft music. She didn’t know if Kerry had been listening to anything before she came over but she did know that music had helped her get through quite a few dark days.

The singing started almost instantly, but the music was turn down to a low level just loud enough for her to hear it. Corday looked down at Kerry who was still crying even though she was very close to falling asleep or even passing out.

She didn’t want to disturb Kerry from her half sleep because she didn’t know how much the woman had gotten in the nights before and besides she was drunk, she certainly didn’t want to be there if Weaver decided to do anything weird while she was in that state. She continued to hold Kerry in her arms as she drifted off and began to contemplate the lyrics to the song that was playing. It seemed like it fit Kerry almost exactly and if that was what she was listening to before then she definitely had a knack for picking out the most depressing song in the world.

Corday soon began to think about Mark, the weight of Weaver’s head on her chest didn’t keep her from realizing that her own breathing was getting more shallow as tears began to prick her eyes. She knew exactly what Weaver was going through, losing the love of your life in a tragic situation was something she had definitely been a part of, and it was all coming back to her.

She listened to the next verse and raised a hand slowly to wipe away the tears that were in her eyes and the ones that had fallen down her cheek. She had left Ella with a sitter thinking that it was an emergency and that she needed to get to Kerry as soon as she possibly could. Weaver was asleep now her head still resting on Corday’s chest but tears were streaming down her face too almost as if she was in tune with all of the pain that Elizabeth was feeling. At the moment they were almost one with the pain, one with the emotion of losing a loved one, but at the same time they were comforting each other.

She didn’t know what it was or why but she didn’t want to let go of the sleeping woman in her arms, in fact she felt something in her heart swell almost as if she was falling in love again. She didn’t know how it was even possible for her to be in love with another woman but there was certainly something sparking there and it was something that she wasn’t able to explain.

She tilted her head back for a moment and closed her eyes, squeezing out the tears that were once again filling up her view. She then looked down at the top of Kerry’s head and leaned down to kiss it softly, her hair smelled wonderful causing Corday to take in a deep breath just so she could smell it more. Everything she had ever said to Weaver that was mean then hit her too, something in her wanted to apologize for being so incredibly mean but could she justify it with the fact that she had only said those things because she had been in mourning too?

The song came to an end and went into the next song but at that point Corday was finished with listening to music because it wasn’t helping either of them. She shut off the CD player and rested her head on the couch cushions just above Kerry’s head where she could smell the scent of shampoo as she played with the other woman’s hair absent mindedly. In her sleep Weaver reached up and took Corday’s hand in hers and held it tightly, leaving Elizabeth to wonder if she was only doing that because she thought that it was Sandy holding her. She sighed once more and brushed the tears away from her eyes with the hand that was in Kerry’s hair before replacing it. How was she supposed to tell Weaver about what she was feeling now? How was she going to justify the loving feeling that had came to her as she held the distraught woman in her arms? And how was she going to tell Amber?

End Part I

Hay Weavered

Part II: I don’t know how to love her

The next morning Corday woke with Weaver’s head in her lap and she didn’t want to move because that would risk disturbing Kerry from her peaceful slumber but at the same time she had to pee really bad. She sighed softly and moved Kerry from her lap gently, and surprisingly it didn’t wake her up so she quietly made her way to the bathroom. She shut the door behind her when she left hoping that the sound of the water running wouldn’t wake Weaver, it didn’t, and for that she was happy. She went into the kitchen and cleaned up the rest of the broken glass from the floor now that she had a chance to do it and decided that she would make a nice breakfast. The only thing she knew how to make from scratch were pancakes, it was actually something that Mark had taught her and she used it on occasion when there was nothing else to do.

“Sandy?” Weaver said from her spot on the couch, she sat up slowly and brought her hands to her head remembering the night before and how much she had to drink. The smell of warm pancakes had woken her and she realized just how hungry she actually was. She hadn’t been eating very well over the past few days and her mouth started to water slightly. “Elizabeth? You didn’t have to make me breakfast you know, hell you didn’t even have to stay the whole night either.”

“It’s okay I fell asleep.” She didn’t want to tell Kerry about how she had felt holding her, or even that she had thought about being in love with another woman for just a moment, “Besides you look like you need something good to eat.” She said with a smile and set a plate full of pancakes on the already set table that was only a few feet from the already set table. Kerry smiled slightly and for the moment she was able to forget about Sandy and be happy that Elizabeth had made her breakfast. She limped over to the table and sat down and started to help herself to the pancakes, soon Corday came out of the kitchen and set some maple syrup on the table and took a seat across from Kerry. She was starved too and she couldn’t wait to eat the breakfast she had made for the both of them.

“Were you listening to music last night?” Weaver asked her with a mouth full of food, she didn’t even realize how hungry she actually was until she started eating.

“Yeah do you want me to turn it back on?”

“If you don’t mind…it’s a mix CD that I made there’s bound to be something on there that you like right?” She replied and took a sip of coffee wishing that her head ache would go away, she also wished that she wouldn’t have drunk so much the night before but what’s done is done. Corday thought that music might be a nice addition to their breakfast so she got up and turned the CD on again and it started onto the song after the one she had heard the night before.

Hearing the lyrics made her swallow hard, how was it that every song that started to play on the CD player could cause her to think about her relationship with Kerry. She pretended like it didn’t bother her and she sat back down and started to eat slowly, feeling her heart ache once more, but there was no way she was going to admit to the feelings she had, well almost no way. She took another bite of food, trying to concentrate on how good it tasted instead of how pretty Kerry looked at the moment. They had both spent the night on the couch, but there was something about Weaver that made her seem to glow, she shook her head slightly and looked back down at her food.

“She‘s a woman, she‘s just a woman…” She muttered changing the lyrics from man to woman singing only slightly. She didn’t really like to sing because it was something that her and Mark always did together an besides she knew that her voice most certainly wasn’t any good.

“Did you say something?” Kerry looked up from her now empty plate before helping herself to two more pancakes, it was almost like she was inhaling them.

“No just singing with the song is all.” She smiled back, “I’ve heard it before, you have very good taste in music.” She wanted to kick herself for saying that it seemed really stupid, on top of the fact that she thought it sounded like it was some sort of pick up line. Weaver on the other hand wasn’t even paying attention to the flustered Corday, she was more concerned with eating at the moment.

She started to think that maybe she should tell Kerry about how she felt, maybe they would both get a good laugh out of it. She started to think about Amber and how much of a crush that poor woman had on Weaver, since the moment they met it seemed like they would be a better match, considering that Sandy seemed to have a major attitude problem about everything. Corday was willing to bet that Amber would have had the child with out an argument, hell Amber would have jumped through flaming hoops just to get Weaver to notice her. She cut off a small piece and popped it into her mouth chewing slowly, it would be wrong to take advantage of a woman who was still grieving for her dead wife, but what if she could convince Weaver that was what she needed, or even wanted?

No, it would be wrong to make a move at this point, she thought as she watched Weaver slowly get up and make her way into the bathroom. She heard the door shut behind her and then the sound of water running, she hoped that if Weaver was going to take a shower she wouldn’t come out of the bathroom in a towel. She finished up her plate of food and started to clear the table after noticing that every last one of the pancakes were gone, and she knew she had only eaten about four or maybe five. She placed the dishes in the sink and started to wash them humming to the music that was playing behind her.

The song ended and the CD stopped, the air became silent once more and Corday had a choice to make. She could either sit on this feeling until it swelled so much that she could barely keep it to herself, or, she could tell Kerry now and get it over with. Her biggest concern was how Amber was going to react, especially if they some how ended up together. Ever since Sandy’s death Amber had done everything possible to comfort and help Weaver but for some reason Kerry called her and not Amber for help. She reached for the towel and dried off the dishes and placed them on the side of the sink.

“This isn’t going to be easy.” She muttered to herself before walking into the next room and laying down on the couch. Even though she had slept the entire night through she felt exhausted, and maybe that was because she made breakfast, and maybe it was because she was homesick for a little genuine love, it wasn’t just about sex this time. She yawned slightly and closed her eyes, as she drifted off to sleep she thought of all the ways she could tell Kerry about how she was feeling, but none of the words seemed to be right.

End Part II

Hay Weavered

Part III:

The Sun ain’t gonna shine anymore

Corday woke up to complete silence about an hour later and it made her extremely nervous because Weaver should have already been back through there to wake her up. She got to her feet and slowly headed towards the bedroom hoping that things were okay. She saw Kerry laying on the bed seemingly asleep but her breathing was very shallow and Corday noticed a bottle of pills laying empty on the bedside table.

“KERRY!” She shouted and ran to her side shaking her hoping that she wasn’t too late, “Oh god Kerry why did you do this?” She grabbed the phone and dialed for an ambulance, she was almost sure that her spending the night would have helped but she was wrong…almost dead wrong.

A while later she was sitting in the doctor’s lounge at county staring at the wall in front of her waiting for news on Weaver. No one had bothered to ask her to do any work, and she couldn’t believe how hard it was on her to find some one she was falling in love with so close to death. She folded her arms on the table and put her head down and started to sob softly.

The music played softly over head and she wondered who at the front desk had chosen the song, it seemed like all of the music she had heard in the past 24 hours was causing her to reflect on love, death, and her life in general. “Loneliness is a cloak you wear…” she muttered to herself not lifting her head from the table, but she smiled slightly realizing how those lyrics made her feel. She eventually looked up and decided that she would get a cup of coffee before it was all taken by the doctors who were trying to pull two shifts. She had heard this song before but by a different singer, and she actually liked this song, it wasn’t very up lifting but it was beautiful.

“Without love.” She echoed and poured some coffee into an empty Styrofoam cup before adding the sugar and cream.

“Why can’t they put on music that doesn’t make you want to cry?” A voice said from behind her, she turned to see that it was just Carter and he looked very tired. He wasn’t one of the doctors who was working on Weaver, in fact by the tone of his voice it sounded like he didn’t even know about what had just happened.

“Well it’s fitting for me…” She smiled at him slightly and then felt her lower lip begin to tremble slightly, “Did you hear about what happened to Kerry?”

“No…” His eyes lit up and he started to look like he was about to panic, the expression on Corday’s face certainly wasn’t one of good news, “What happened to her, is she alright?”

“I went over to see her last night,” Corday started to explain thinking that she might feel better if she was able to tell some one else what happened, “And I stayed with her because I was afraid of what she might do if she was left alone. In the morning I made her breakfast and she went to take a shower and then I fell asleep and…Oh God this is all my fault! I should have been watching her!”

“What? Why? Just tell me what the hell happened!”

“She took a bottle of sleeping pills Carter,” Corday whispered and then wiped a tear away from her cheek angrily, “And I should have been awake to keep that from happening.” Carter gave her a sympathetic look, she sat down on the couch and he sat down next to her and put his arms around her in a comforting hug. She pressed her face against his shoulder and started to cry, thinking that all of this could have been prevented if she would have been more responsible.

She listened to the music mouthing the words which only made her cry harder. There was a chance that Weaver could actually die, and the chance that she could live was not as good as the chance of her dying. There was no way for her to tell when Weaver had taken the pills, or even how many had been in the bottle, and those were two things that were usually very important to know in a suicide attempt. Carter stroked her hair gently and rubbed her back trying to get her to calm down. He couldn’t say that he wasn’t worried about Kerry but he was going to be able to hold it together enough until he got an update on her condition.

The song ended leaving Corday to feel like maybe, just maybe, loneliness was going to be the only cloak she was going to wear for the rest of her life. Just when she thought she was feeling love for some one they were taken away. It didn’t matter that she had been seeing two men at the same time because that was just lust, and if she wanted sex then it wasn’t very hard for her to pick up a man. This was different though, Kerry was different, she was feeling love not lust at this point and although it confused her a little she knew the feeling was true. She then made a promise to herself, she promised that if…no WHEN Kerry woke up she would tell her exactly how she felt because there might not be a next time, and this bit of news could make a whole world of difference.

End Part III

Hay Weavered

Part IV:

I know a good thing when I see it

Later Corday was in Weaver’s room holding her hand, watching the ventilator move up and down as she prayed that the woman would come out of it and want to live again. “Well I heard enough and I’ve seen enough and I know enough to know I know a good thing when I see it and it’s bad thing to let go.” She said softly as she held Weaver’s hand to her mouth kissing it gently. She sighed, she knew that Weaver could hear her but responding most likely wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

“Well I’ve been around I’ve been up and down until I bent out of control when your worlds all in motion it’s gotta put a ball and chain on your soul…” She continued the song thinking that it might help for Kerry to hear a familiar voice, “All those angels running picking up the pieces putting back together hearts broke long ago I know a good thing when I see it and it’s a bad thing to let go.” She kissed Kerry’s hand softly and then leaned into brush her hair back away from her face, thinking that she looked better when her hair wasn’t in her eyes.

“We will always be lovers with borders of their own and you may charge across in a golden chariot but you will never be at home,” She felt a tear slide down her cheek but she didn’t push it away with her hand, her eyes were already red and puffy from crying and she didn’t want them to get worse by rubbing them again, “Cause I had dreams like distant thunder I had hope like a prayer unheard this is nothing less then perfect in a less than perfect world.”

“All those angels running picking up the pieces putting back together hearts broke long ago I know a good thing when I see it and it’s a bad thing to let go.” She heard a voice sing from behind her, it was Amber standing in the doorway and she was holding a bouquet of roses in her hand, and they were red, which Corday always took to mean love and romance, not just friendship. She felt her heart sink a little more and she vowed that Amber was not going to be the first person Kerry saw when she woke up. She felt like she had to make a play for Kerry’s love and this might be the only way to do it.

“All those angels running picking up the pieces putting back together hearts broke long ago I know a good thing when I see it and it’s a bad thing to let go…” She sang the last part of the chorus turning back to look at Weaver, ignoring the fact that Amber was standing in the doorway listening to her, “It’s a bad thing…” She trailed off when her voice started to give into her emotions, and she started to cry again. She put her head down on the bed by Weaver’s side and sobbed. Amber frowned slightly and walked to the other side of the bed where she put the roses in a vase that was set out and then she pulled up a chair to sit down across from Weaver, taking her other hand.

“You can leave, it’s late and I’ll watch her for the rest of the night.” Amber said her voice sounding a little annoyed, almost like she was ordering Corday to leave so they could be alone together. Corday didn’t even justify that with a response, she just shook her head slightly but didn’t lift it up. There were a whole bunch of things she wanted to say to Amber that were mean, but she knew it wouldn’t help to fight with anyone at this point. “You don’t even like her, how many times have you made her cry? Huh Elizabeth?”

“Just because I didn’t like her a few years ago doesn’t mean my opinion hasn’t changed!” Corday all of a sudden shouted at Amber, “And you were trying to get her to cheat on Sandy…I don’t suppose that makes you any better.”

“You aren’t a lesbian so back off.”

“Back off? Look Amber, I know I’m not a lesbian but I do know love when I feel it so why don’t you just shut the hell up.” Corday responded gripping Weaver’s hand a little bit tighter for comfort. Amber glared at Corday for a moment before glancing at Weaver and running a few fingers through her hair. It was most certainly going to be a long night, Corday was hungry and very tired, but Amber had just gotten off work and had already eaten so it seemed like she was going to have a lot more stamina to deal with this. Elizabeth put her head back down on the bed next to Kerry’s wondering if Amber’s feelings were genuine or if she just wanted to get laid. She sighed loudly and closed her eyes, Kerry had called her and not Amber, she wanted her help not Amber’s, she prayed that there would be something to help Weaver believe that Corday was the one that truly loved her.

The sound of the machines beeping alerted Corday to wake up from her light sleep, Amber wasn’t in the room and she started to panic, until she saw that Weaver was up and had pulled the tube from her mouth and that’s what was causing the monitors to go off. She couldn’t help but smile, it was amazing that Kerry had come out of the drug induced coma that quickly, but then again Corday didn’t know how many pills had been taken in the first place.

“Kerry lay down…” Was the first thing Corday said to her, Weaver looked at her for a moment before reluctantly laying back down, she felt way to weak to fight about it, “Welcome back to the waking world.” Corday knew that it was bad that Weaver had pulled the tube from her mouth but at least she was awake and alert, so Elizabeth turned off the alarms.

“You saved me…” Weaver whispered, her throat was still hurting from the intubation tube, she had panicked when she woke up and a ventilator was breathing for her and that was her first response, to pull the obstruction out of her mouth, “Why did you…I thought you hated me.”

“No, no, no, I don’t hate you at all in fact I think that I…”

“Kerry!” Amber’s excited voice came from the doorway and it took all of Corday’s strength not to let her body cringe at that, “You’re okay…thank god you’re okay!”

“Hey there Amber.” She replied nicely but Amber really wasn’t the person she wanted to talk to now, she really wanted to hear what the rest of Corday’s sentence was and why she hadn’t left Weaver for dead. Actually when Kerry had taken the pills she thought Corday had already left, she thought that there wasn’t going to be anyone there to save her to begin with. “I like the flowers, who brought them?”

“I did.” Amber said before Corday could get anything out of her mouth, “I thought they made the room look a little more cheery.” Elizabeth rolled her eyes but she still didn’t let go of Kerry’s hand, thinking that for some reason if she let go she might lose Weaver again but this time to another woman. Amber walked over to the other side of the bed and took Weaver’s vitals, she had been the one working on her when she first came in and so she was also her doctor for the time being.

“Hey do you think I could have a moment alone with Dr. Corday?” Weaver whispered to Amber who made a face like she didn’t seem very happy about that. She glared at Corday who was still clutching Weaver’s hand tightly and nodded before hesitating and walking out of the room shutting the door behind her, it was now or never.

End Part IV