Mother Gooseries

(An ER Parody of Mother Goose Proportions)

Pratt: Okay we got a Jack Sprat in room 1, apparently he ate something fat in it and went into anaphylactic shock.

Luka: I know some hungry mothers in third world countries who would kill to have a piece of fat!

Pratt: He almost died Luka…will you just SHUT UP!

Lewis: Well he’s certainly in better condition then Mr. Humpty…he fell off some wall and they let the horses play doctor with him. [She rolls her eyes and walks off]

[Paramedics come through the door with a little girl on a stretcher]

Paramedic: Hey this girl was apparently eating her breakfast outside when a spider bit her.

Weaver: What’s her name?

Paramedic: Miss. Muffet, Little Miss Muffet.

Weaver: Her first name is Little?

Paramedic: Hey lady I don’t name them I just bring them in, here’s the spider. [Hands Weaver a jar] [She heads off to trauma one with Miss Muffet]

[Over in the triage area Abby is looking for a patient]

Abby: Jack Horner?

Carter: He’s in the corner…

Abby: Well could you give me a little help getting him out of the corner?

Carter: No I have some weirdo who has a candle stick lodged in his ass…

Abby: How did that happen?

Carter: Apparently he was going to jump over it and tripped. [He walks off and Abby goes to find Jack Horner once again]

~In the OR~

Romano: Explain to me again why we are cutting a wolf’s stomach open again?

Corday: Because he ate a girl and she’s inside of him and by what we can tell she’s still alive.

[A huge wolf is on the operating table breathing hard]

Romano: What kind of an idiot gets eaten by a wolf?

Corday: In women’s clothing no less.

~Back in the ER~

Gallant: Okay what happened to you sir?

Guy: Some idiot put live black birds in a pie and then delivered it to me and when I tried to cut it they all flew out and started pecking at my eyes.

Gallant: Interesting [On the chart he writes: Nut Job] I’ll be right back with you.

Guy: I’m telling the truth!

Gallant: Oh of course, I believe you…[Walks out of the room]

Susan: Okay so you tried to face down 25 robbers with a rolling pin late last night?

John: And the night before…

Susan: Okay well I’m going to send you in for a head CT and a psych consult then.

John: How was I supposed to know they were going to have guns?

Luka: All of these kids are yours?

Old Lady: Yes

Luka: And you live in a shoe?

Old Lady: That is correct

Luka: Well we are getting reports of child abuse from the school…

Old Lady: If I don’t beat them they won’t go to sleep.

Luka: Right…and you also seem to have a drinking problem.

Old Lady: No I don’t [Takes a drink from a flask] Oh wait yes I do, but you would have a drinking problem too if you had 12 kids and lived in a damn shoe!

~In another room~

Weaver: Mr. Humpty…

Dumpty: Actually that’s my first name my last name is Dumpty…[Weaver looks at the chart]

Weaver: Oh it sure is, Look Mr. Dumpty…

Dumpty: Call me Humpty…

Weaver: Okay sure, anyway we have found a number of things wrong with you some of which include brittle bone disease and hemophilia.

Dumpty: Yeah I know.

Weaver: Then why the hell were you sitting on a wall?

Dumpty: Oh, I was trying to commit suicide but then those damn horses came and tried to fix me up and I guess it scared me so much I didn’t die.

Weaver: That doesn’t make any sense what so ever!

Dumpty: Oh well [Pulls out a hammer]

Weaver: We are also concerned that your blood is a clear white color and your brain and heart are yellow and filled with fat and cholesterol.

Dumpty: That’s because I was genetically engineered from a chicken’s egg watch this [He takes the hammer and hits himself in the arm and he cracks open] Pretty messed up…

Weaver: Indeed…I’ll be right back. [She gets up and leaves]

Greene: Okay Miss Muffet, you were sitting outside…

Muffet: Eating my curds and Whey.

Greene: What the HELL Is curds and Whey?

Muffet: I’m on a diet.

Greene: You are 8 years old! And where the hell did you get a tuffet this day in age?

Muffet: Internet.

Greene: Well you are lucky we had the anti venom on hand for you, it looks like you are going to be just fine.

Muffet: Goody then tomorrow I can eat outside on my tuffet again!

Greene: DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?

~ICU~

Romano: Okay Ms. Riding Hood how the HELL did you get eaten alive by a gigantic wolf that likes to dress up like a person?

Hood: Well you see I came in to see my grandma cause she was sick and out in the woods…

Romano: You’re Grandma is out in the woods all alone and sick?

Hood: Yes

Romano: Okay continue with this…I wanna see where you are going.

Hood: So I walked in and I was like “Grandma what big eyes you have…”

Romano: And you weren’t about to tell that your grandma was a wolf?

Hood: Grandma was a Wolf? [Looks scared]

Romano: Some one shoot me [He walks off]

Gallant: Okay I’m going to write you a prescription for medical marijuana okay? [Talking to the guy who got his eyes pecked at]

Guy: Sweet

Gallant: Don’t be so damn happy about it.

Guy: Oh I mean…Awe man!

Gallant: Better.

~Few hours later~

Weaver: Finally all those weirdo’s are out of here.

Carter: Was it just me or did you sense a theme?

Luka: I have no idea what you are talking about [Sips his coffee]

Corday: Well a lot of their names rhymed with the stories they had about their injuries.

Lewis: Almost like…naw couldn’t be, we are all just really tired.

[The paramedics push through the door]

Paramedic: Okay we got a comatose princess who ate a poison apple!

Weaver: Here we go again!