Once things are put into motion it’s hard to get them to stop, things start off so innocently and they turn rotten in a split second. I think this probably all started way back when I was kicked out of my public high school and my parents were forced to find another place for me to go. You could say that these events started when I punched the girl in front of me for being mean, you could say these events started when a friend of mine was shot and killed in broad daylight before school, you could even say that these events started when I stopped caring about my school work, but I can tell you that not one of these things could have triggered the emotional roller coaster that I am now unable to get off. Some of us never get on a roller coaster like this, some are lucky and are able to step outside of themselves and realize that a situation is hazardous to themselves and their family, but not me. It’s been three years and I still can’t get off the ride, for a moment I thought I saw the exit, and for a moment I felt safe like everything was going to be just fine. I was wrong, there are still more hills to go over and loops to spin through and I don’t know if I will ever be able to terminate these events from my memory.

You are asking yourself what I’m talking about, well I’ll tell you, the events which had taken a horrible toll on my life started with an innocent crush on an art teacher. That crush lead to an obsession one which I still can’t explain, it was a fixation that was soon to cause permanent damage to my social life and home life. I think I know how it all began, and it wasn’t with a punch or a murder or a change of attitude, it was with a simple comment that my father made the first time I ever set my eyes on Aileen. Yes that’s right her name is Aileen, and she was my art teacher, it seems odd that I would call a teacher by her first name but that’s what they told us to do at this new school. It was a very small school with only sixty or so students and all the teachers were called by their first names so they could let you know that they were equals. I can’t even stress how much bullshit that is, none of them were equals they were all miles above our heads but if pretending to be our friends would get us to cooperate and behave then I guess that made them equals in our eyes.

“She looks like Scully doesn’t she?” My dad said as we peaked into the art room of the very under funded school I was about to be admitted to. My immediate response was no because I didn’t think she looked a thing like Scully. For those of you who don’t know Scully is the red headed agent in the cult hit show The X-Files. At the time I had a major obsession with that show, if I could have just sat at home and watched reruns of it all day I would have been a happy camper. At first she didn’t look like Scully to me, but now the seeds were planted in my brain and I began to compare the two in my head. Slowly but surely she started to look like Scully and I would have never even thought of that if my father hadn’t said something about it. Maybe it was her red hair, maybe it was her green eyes, maybe it was the really nice business suits that she always wore but there was something about her that stole my heart. I’m not saying that it was my father’s fault that I fell in love with her and became obsessed I am merely just telling you what I think put everything into motion.

I didn’t want to go to that school at first, all of the kids at the public school which I attended referred to it as the school for psychos and drug addicts. I knew that I was not qualified as either one of them and I sure as hell knew that I didn’t want to be classified as one. There were interviews to get into that school the first teacher that I talked to was named Suzanne, she later became my advocate, but at the time I wanted to tell her everything she didn’t want to hear, I was going to screw up the interview so I wouldn’t get into the school. Well that plan worked flawlessly and they were almost positive that they weren’t going to accept me. I was happy with that, I didn’t care that I might not graduate, in fact I didn’t even think of that as one of the possibilities I just hated school. I wanted to get my GED when I was 16 like a few other people that I knew but my parents wouldn’t hear of it they wanted me to get into this school. Another interview followed probably after my parents begged and pleaded for them to give me another chance. After a week of being chewed out and drilled by my parents I decided that maybe I should tell them everything they wanted to hear so I could get into the stupid school. The second woman who talked to me was Laurie, I found out that my dad used to work with her ex husband or something like that and she had known me when I was a baby, talk about an awkward situation. I answered the questions like my dad told me too and a few days later I found out that I would be going to school there, I still wasn’t happy.

The first day of school wasn’t really a first day it was more like bringing in the new students to bark all of the rules at them. I met Mr. Dunne in a less formal setting and I was also able to meet the rest of the new students. I thought that I was going to like the school but I was so wrong. I think the first thing I said to Aileen was that my father thought she looked like Dana Scully, but she just sort of smiled and brushed the comment off I don’t know if she took it as a compliment or not. From that point I just sort of ignored her, in fact I thought that she was a little strange, and much to my surprise a lot of the other students thought that too. I heard a lot of people say that they liked the other art teacher better, I didn’t ever see a picture of this woman but I guess she must have been weird because I kept hearing about how she shaved her head or something.

The first week of school was hell, I managed to make an enemy the first day because she knew who I was from my other high school. She seemed to be a really big driving force in the social chain and soon there were a lot of people that didn’t like me. This girl, named Tee, wanted to do everything in her power to scare me off and get me to leave the school and it was working. I didn’t want to be there anyway and I made that clear to everyone who would listen. The only class I actually had with Tee was art, and for the first week Aileen didn’t do crap to stop her or her friends from insulting me for the 45 minute class period. I remember Aileen as being rather quiet and she would never jump at the chance to stop a fight, especially when one of the students was bigger then her. I was completely miserable for that whole week the other teachers told me to just ignore her but as we all know bullies are going to be bullies if you ignore them or not. To me that’s all the school was, just a bunch of kids who liked to push around other kids because it made them feel more important, and I constantly begged my parents to remove me from the school.

Tee wasn’t just mean to me for the sake of being mean all the time, I’ll admit it, I’m the first to push some one when they push me. I can’t stand just sitting there and taking shit from some one because they are bigger then me, I’m just as aggressive as anyone of those kids who challenged me but I was also a lot smaller then all of them and would lose in a physical fight. I remember once Tee wanted to beat me up because I used a word that she didn’t know the definition to, talk about petty, but of course it could have stopped right there and I could have shut my big mouth. Instead I opted to tell her that she could look it up in the dictionary if she was smart enough to read, and Aileen finally lost it. Tee literally got up out of her chair and she was probably going to hit me, everyone said that she was mostly just talk but I wasn’t stupid. When she got up so did Aileen.

“You either stop harassing her or you get out of my class.” She said, I looked over at her surprised that she moved from her usual catatonic state behind her desk. Tee stood there for a moment and then grabbed her stuff and stormed out of the room. I have to say I was very relieved, for a moment I thought this girl was going to pound my face in but Aileen told her to stop. See that’s when another event got the ball rolling, all through my school life none of the teachers had ever tried to stop some one from harassing me, they always told me to ignore it but I am sure it was just because they were afraid of getting injured in a fight. At that point she taught me that not all authority figures were bad, that some actually had a decent conscious and would stand up for you. For the next week she mediated the harassment that Tee shoved in my direction, and I just couldn’t believe how wonderful she was. The other teachers had yet to stand up and get her to stop but here was this five foot three 43 year old petite woman defending my ass, the fact that I thought she looked like Scully wasn’t really helping either.

I don’t exactly remember how things were mediated but a few weeks later Tee and I were friends and people were finally starting to accept me. I remember there was this girl named Janine who was a wonderful artist, and I hated her for it because Aileen would always fawn over everything she did. When I actually got to know her I realized that I really didn’t like her, because she was a self centered bitch who had to have everything her way. In fact it was her and her friend Halle that exposed me to some things that I would have never seen if I was in a public school, well things I wouldn’t have seen until college. Both of these girls smoked, especially during the 8 minute breaks between class, and I would stand outside with them and they would tell me not to smoke ever because it sucked…I don’t know how that backfired but within the next year I was smoking too. Anyway, I remember being in the car with them and a girl named Wendy when a drug transaction went down, it was the first time that I had actually laid my eyes on LSD well it was just a square of paper but you know.

I never have and never will keep my sexuality a secret to anyone who asks, I don’t flaunt it but I’m not going to hide it. Halle and Janine used this to torment me, when they found out that I was a lesbian they would get other girls at the school to pretend like they had a crush on me, or wanted me, and of course then I would find out that they actually thought I was a creep. It was terrible, everyone thought that my love life was a big joke, and by this point I liked Aileen but I certainly didn’t have a crush on her.

More time passed and once again Tee became my enemy although I could never tell you why she started to hate me again. She claimed it was because I lied so much or something about me talking too much shit or something like that but I never knew exactly what the problem was so I could never actually fix it. She was in my homeroom with Suzanne who was my homeroom teacher, and every day before lunch would be one big disaster. I would come in and sit down and try to listen to my CD player or do something to distract myself so I would stay out of Tee’s way but some how she always provoked me into a verbal confrontation. One of us was ultimately sent out of the room and we got a cut for homeroom which really took it’s toll on your school credits when they stacked up. Janine was in Laurie’s homeroom but you wouldn’t ever know because she was always in our homeroom ganging up with Tee to provoke me into bad situations.

In the middle of the year Janine was chosen to make Mr. Dunne’s birthday card, which is a high honor because Aileen only chose the person she thought would be the best at it. I still hated Janine for that, I didn’t want Aileen to choose her over me, I thought that in some aspects I was just as good at art as she was. Janine was a bitch to Aileen too, which I could never understand, and yet Aileen still thought she was the best artist in school. I used to sit and watch Janine paint when I was in study hall with Thea, there is no denying that she was a good artist but I still hated her for all the attention she was getting. It seemed to me like at this point none of the teachers really gave a rats ass about me, even when I was in a class without Tee there would be other people around to make fun of me and the teachers usually didn’t do anything until after the fact. I remember this one time I was in English, that was Katie’s class, and Halle was laying on the ground with her legs spread telling me to come eat her. I tried to ignore it, in fact I think I did, what made me angry about it was that she was being so loud and obvious and Katie never once said anything to stop her. Eventually Halle was reprimanded but that just made her even more mad at me for being a snitch and I don’t think I even told any teachers about it, I just let it go.

By the end of my first year it got hotter outside and inside, the school was poor, with only about 10 classrooms 4 computers and no cafeteria I felt like no one should be paying for their child to go there in the first place. With warmer weather Aileen stopped wearing pant suits and switched to skirts, this was when I realized I had a thing for the teacher. Her legs were perfect, I can’t even describe how good she looked, especially when she would stand outside and have a cigarette. She would put one foot on the wall behind her and her skirt would ride up to ungodly heights, it was hard for me and a few other guys to keep our eyes off of her, from what I remember she was just radiant. There was this one time in art class where we were asked to bring in pictures of a person, living or dead, famous or not, to do a portrait of. At this point once again Tee was my friend and it had been that way for a while, she really was a great person but when she was mad at you then you were screwed. I had a picture of Jeri Ryan, I was doing a portrait of her because I think that she is one of the most beautiful women alive, and I commented to Tee that if I could look like anyone in the world I would look like Jeri Ryan.

“I think you are beautiful just the way you are.” Aileen said when she heard that, I looked at her and felt my face get red and all of a sudden I couldn’t speak. I might have squeaked out a thank you but I can’t remember because I was completely embarrassed. She obviously meant it by the tone in her voice and this comment was yet another thing that fueled the fire to the weird obsessive lust that would soon end my quiet little life.

The next year things were a lot different, I wasn’t a new student any more which meant I could be really mean to the other new students. I guess that sounds sort of bad but when everyone else is doing it you really don’t think twice about being nice. This year I thought would be my sophomore year but as luck would have it, it turned out to be my junior year because I worked so hard the previous year to make up my credits. This year brought Amanda, she didn’t start at the very beginning but she did join us in the middle of the year and she didn’t like me, or so I thought. Amanda’s temper and demeanor was abrasive and even if she sounded like she was being mean to you that was just the way she was, it was really hard for me to adapt to that. At the end of the last year I had told Tee in confidentiality that I had a crush on Aileen, and of course it was my fault for believing that she was going to keep her big mouth shut about it the next year. Soon it seemed like everyone knew, luckily since I wasn’t a new kid no one really seemed to care about it and I was slowly moving up the chain of popularity which was something that I had never done before. In about the middle of the year Ray joined us, I don’t know exactly what happened next but before I knew it I was at the top of the popularity chain.

I had never been popular before, in fact when I came to the school everyone hated me like I said, I remember this one guy named Paul he told me that I was an outcast in a school for outcasts and that it was really sad that it had to be that way. Now I didn’t have to worry about anything because everyone was trying to be my friend, so when some one who didn’t like me said something bad or mean there were a bunch of people coming to my defense. For once in my life I felt like I was in a good place, I liked the school, I had lots of friends, and no one wanted to kick my ass anymore, well for the most part. I had two really good friends Amber, and Kacy, they were great and both of them were truly interested in the Wiccan religion like I was. I had been studying it for about 5 years at the time, and to this day I still practice it, but finally I found two people who were interested in it and not just for the shock value. This year also brought a girl named Jora, god was that girl messed up when she first started, and still a little messed up by the time that I left but by then she was able to act more normal and make her own friends. I realized quickly that no one liked Jora, in fact she was a lot like me when I came to the school. So instead of treating her like crap I started to be nice to her, she was very annoying and obnoxious so it was hard for me to keep being nice all of the time. Soon her status was elevated, not very much, just to the point where people didn’t really bother her because she was my friend.

I don’t remember how the fact that I had a crush on Aileen got out to another teacher I just know that it did. I was completely mortified when I learned that Aileen had gotten word of the conversation from another teacher, the students tended to talk about things like that all of the time and I know that Aileen was the first to brush it off. When something like that came from another teacher it was a different story, and now she knew that it was the truth. A few days after she found out I was called to the art room to talk to her during my 6^th period because that was her free period. It was in the winter or nearing the winter as I remember and I was wearing a dress that was red at the top and black at the bottom almost like an old star trek uniform. I wanted to talk to her but I still sort of didn’t want to talk to her, I guess I knew that rejection was inevitable so I didn’t want to hear it.

“I’m not mad at you,” She said to me first I really couldn’t say much back to her because I was on the verge of tears, “And I’m not going to make any judgments on your sexuality I have friends that are well…like you.” She didn’t say gay which sort of made me smile, she was really conservative like that I had heard rumors about her teaching in a catholic school before this one, and I also heard her talk about how she used to go to catholic school, so her restraint on using certain words didn’t surprise me.

“I’m just very sorry.” I said to her feeling like apologizing would make her forget about the fact that I wanted to do the nasty with her. I don’t think her line of thought got to the fact that I might want to lick her up and down but she obviously knew what I meant when I said I had a crush on her.

“It’s okay I’m flattered actually, but you do know that I’m a teacher and you are a student and nothing can ever happen between us.” She was sitting behind her desk wearing her two coats that she always wore in the winter because she always seemed to be cold for some reason or another. She was drinking her coffee which too this day I love the smell of, I don’t tend to think of her but it does remind me of when I used to be happy and everything was okay. We continued to talk for the rest of the period and I remember crying but I don’t know if I did it in front of her. Finally the bell rang and I got the hell out of there, I was sitting outside in the rain on my backpack crying when the other kids came outside. The white van that took us home everyday finally pulled up and I slowly walked to it. I didn’t really care that I was freezing cold and soaking wet, and so I just sat on the bus and stared out of the window truly believing that things couldn’t get any worse then they already were. I couldn’t have been more wrong…

A few days later I told Amber and Kacy who said they already heard that I had a crush on Aileen but they didn’t know if it was true or not. They were cool about it, in fact they would play along and tell me that she had her eyes on me too. That was the worst thing they could do because even though I laughed about it my head and heart kept telling me that it was true, that maybe there was something between us. During lunch I would go into the art room and she would work with me on my drawings, she was very nice to give up her lunch period to do this with me. During these times we would talk just about normal things and she would stand over my shoulder and give me pointers. I think that if she would have felt threatened by the fact that I had a crush with her then she wouldn’t have spent so much time with me alone, but Mr. Dunne had another idea.

I don’t know why she had to tell Mr. Dunne about me having a crush on her but I guess it was school policy or something. Every so often he would come into the art room and check on us, but I later realized that he was making sure that I wasn’t trying to do anything to Aileen. That was just plain silly because out of all the feelings and fantasies that I had of Aileen, hurting her never appeared in any one of them. The last thing I wanted was to see her hurt, physically or emotionally, but no one seemed to believe that. One day I remember I bought her coffee, just as a nice gesture, it was nearing Christmas time and I was doing nice things for all of the teachers, and that isn’t a lie.

Before I knew it, I was showing up at the art room for another lunch session with Aileen when she told me that we weren’t allowed to be alone together. I thought that was total bullshit but since she said something about it costing her job I didn’t push the issue. By this time the crush was getting deeper but it wasn’t affecting my school work or anything, I probably talked about her a little more, and by this time I had perfected my impression of her. Everyone thought that the impression was dead on and they thought that it was incredibly funny to boot. As you probably have figured out, I wasn’t very happy that I wasn’t allowed to see Aileen any more but on top of that I didn’t know why. My days became filled with the search for an answer, my nights were filled of me wondering what I did wrong. I remember one day coming into the art room and asking her for the picture we had been working on together. I had stormed into the art room, demanding my work, Suzanne was right behind me. Aileen handed me my picture and I took it and ripped it up, right in front of her. Suzanne thought I was being obnoxious, but I saw the look in Aileen’s eyes and she saw the look in mine. The picture that I was ripping up was one that we had worked on together for many lunch periods and now it was trash. Suzanne yelled at me for coming into the art room with out permission but I just shoved right past her and went into the hallway. With my work destroyed I was in tears, the only people who knew how hard I had worked were me and Aileen.

The rest of the year went on fine I guess. I got in a few more fights with Tee but friends fight and then they make up that’s the way of it. If I had to go back and do something over it wouldn’t be my relationship with Tee, I liked her a lot and I still do like her. I would talk to her more often if I had a clue as to where she was but that’s not the topic. The next thing happened when I went to graduation with Tee. I sat there and listened to all of the teachers talk about the students in their homerooms that were graduating. I remember being with Ray and Amanda, and asking Ray what he thought he was going to do after graduation. He told me that he was going to be one of those guys in a car at parks offering candy to little kids and abducting them, I knew he was just joking so we laughed about it. When the ceremony was over I started to go to each teacher. I apologized to each one of them for my behavior over the past year and offered a hand shake in friendship, you know to start off the next year fresh again. When I got to Aileen she was none to happy to talk to me. She stood across from me her arms folded and she was looking at me like she thought I was a monster. I didn’t understand why she didn’t like me at that point. Now I can see that it was because I was obsessed with her, very obsessed with her. Up until this point in my life I had never been obsessed with a person. It was always a movie or a TV show that I was all wrapped up in but now it was a person and I guess I didn’t realize how hard it was hitting me. So anyway, she stood across from me while I tried to make peace with her so we could continue on a good foot next year.

“So what do you think? Can you accept a handshake for a good start next year?” I asked her, at the time I was excited and nervous. I thought that if this plan backfired she would yell at me or go tell Mr. Dunne and the last thing I needed was to have him on my case again. I remember once in class I answered a question, I mean I truly tried to give what I thought was the answer, and I got it wrong and he told me to stop being a dumbass. I really didn’t like him and he obviously didn’t like me but until my senior year I didn’t have to deal with him because I never had his class.

“Why don’t you tell me how I feel? I mean you seem to know so much about me,” She said, she wasn’t very happy and when I heard that I knew my plan had blown up in my face, “Well?” She waited for me to answer but I couldn’t think of anything to say so I just stood there for a moment and then walked away. That afternoon on the car ride home I turned it into a joke, I pretended like I was just brushing it off but in truth it just burrowed deeper into my heart and I realized that I had to find a way to get her to like me again.

That night after graduation I had one hell of a wake up call. Tee invited her girlfriend over and another girl who was supposed to hook up with me and we went and smoked a joint in the back of a car. I had one hell of a bad trip that night, I later found out that the weed was laced with PCP. But I remember being completely paranoid the whole night. I was sick to my stomach and my mouth was dry and I couldn’t think, it was terrible. Tee told me later that I looked like I had turned positively green, but she was also stoned out of her mind so I don’t know if that was true or not. I spent most of that night on the couch downstairs at her house trying to sleep and sober up but nothing was working. I drank caffeine I ate some food, I slept, I did a lot of things but the high wouldn’t wear off. That was the night that I swore off smoking anything every again, unless it was a cigarette, because that was going to be the night that I was stoned out of my mind.

The next year at school started out just like any other year. I still wasn’t allowed to be alone with Aileen in the art room but I was allowed back there to see my friends and that was a start. I continued to go back there and pretend like Aileen wasn’t there, I remember that I used to start fights with her. For some reason it seemed to me that it would be easier to get along if I just hated her like she hated me. Almost every time I would go back into the art room we would get into some sort of argument. No matter what I did though it seemed that I couldn’t hate her, at least not as much as I thought she hated me. Pretty soon I was once again banned from the art room, but that didn’t stop me from going back there. I remember one day I had gone back there when no one was there and I stole one of her pens. I loved that pen so much, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to have it but it was something she had touched and I couldn’t get enough of it. Finally one day I was in with the school counselor and she told me that I was holding Aileen’s pen. She asked me where I got it and I told her that I found it on the floor in the back hallway. That was a complete lie but I knew that if I said I had stole it I would have been in more trouble. Mary believed me and she took the pen and told me that she would return it to Aileen.

Things between me and Aileen continued to heat up. We would repeatedly have arguments, she would tell me not to talk to her…everything was going wrong. The next thing that happened set into motion something really bad happening. I had a girlfriend that I had met on line, her name was Alex. I thought I was in love with Alex. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and best of all she loved the X-files as much as I did. We talked on the phone all the time, she lived in Avon which was about an hour or so away from where I lived. She knew all about Aileen, she knew all about my life and I knew all about hers and it seemed like things were okay between us. Well our relationship ended like all of mine do and I was mad at her because she wasn’t talking to me. We had gone through a period where she had gone to the hospital for being suicidal, that was just after my parents had talked to her parents. My parents always seemed to make everything worse. Alex and I had a plan to meet one day at the art museum to see the Picasso exhibit. Of course we had no intention of looking at the art, we just wanted to be around each other, to see each other for the first time. When my parents found out, a week later, that the only reason I wanted to go to the museum was because I wanted to meet Alex they lost it. My parents got on the phone with her parents and next thing I knew Alex wasn’t allowed to talk to me any more and she was in the hospital for attempting suicide. Well after a few weeks of not being able to talk to her she gave me a call from a friend’s house. I was so happy to hear from her I cried. One thing lead to another and before I knew it we were fighting. I was mad because she didn’t want to talk to me and the only reason she didn’t want to talk to me was because her parents told her not to. I never listened to my parents back then so I didn’t understand why she had to listen to hers. I don’t exactly remember how the next thing happened I just know that it did, but I’ll get into that later.

It was the day of winter break, well the last day before winter break was going to start. I had just had some fight with Aileen or Suzanne or something. I can’t remember who the fight was with but I know that it had to be about Aileen. Anyway, I was sitting on the front step having a cigarette and crying when Gwen noticed me. She came over to me and asked me what was wrong and I’m sure I launched into a long explanation. After a moment of talking Aileen came out of the building and headed towards her car or wherever and I said something like, “I hope she gets hit by a car.” After that the van that I took home pulled up and I got on. The next day I was on the phone with Suzanne and she told me that Aileen was in a car accident. It was a pretty bad one where she had shattered all of the bones in her left foot and she was going to need like four surgeries or something. Of course I don’t think that I caused the accident, I don’t think it was my fault in anyway but it has left me to wonder…would it have happened if I didn’t say anything? Well the two week break came and went and I was fine after all it was Christmas time. I’m sure I thought a lot about her over break and I’m sure I mentioned her name more then once but this was almost three years ago so I don’t remember much.

When I returned to school I still had Aileen’s Christmas present with me. I hadn’t given her the present when I had the chance before so I decided that January was better then nothing. It was a necklace with an ankh on it, you know the symbol of eternal life, anyway I thought it might bring her good luck and fast healing with her surgeries and all. So I brought it to the school counselor when I found out that she was going to be visiting Aileen and I asked if she would give it to her. Mary told me that she probably wouldn’t want it because it was from me but I told her to try anyway. About a week later Aileen returned and she was in a wheel chair. She had been in the building for a few days but I didn’t know that because she had been using the back entrance and didn’t come out of her room at all because she was in a wheel chair. The day I found out she was back I crept into her room after school. That was the perfect time because the principal was busy getting all of the kids out of the school up at the front and the art room was all the way in the back.

“Hey.” I said to her, I barely even came in the door way, I was almost scared to see her in her extra fragile state with a cast and wheelchair and all. She smiled at me and asked me what I wanted and I asked her if she had gotten my gift. She said yeah and she smiled and thanked me for it, I told her that Mary said that she wouldn’t want it. She asked me why Mary would say such a thing, I told her that since the gift was from me…well you know. She shook her head and laughed, she thought that it was a stupid thing of Mary to say which made me feel a lot better.

“Did you want it back?” She asked as she reached up to her neck, my heart nearly burst because up until this point I wasn’t sure what she had done with it. She could have thrown it away, she could have burned it, but low and behold she was wearing it around her neck. I shook my head and told her it was a gift and that she should keep it. She smiled at me and told me thank you, at about that time Mr. Dunne appeared in the room so I got my ass out of there. The next few days were great, I didn’t really see Aileen much but that was okay cause I knew she was wearing my necklace.

For psychology that year I had to do some sort of project and write a paper on it. I decided that I would bring a video camera to school. My theory was that people act differently when they knew they were being filmed. So what I did was I put black tape over the red “recording” light and I filmed people when they didn’t know. I also filmed people when they did know I was filming, the results were great, I got a lot of people who said they were camera shy. I was even able to get some footage of a friend of mine picking her nose, I also got footage of people saying that I was right and they were wrong so that was also a big deal for me.

At the end of the day (the day with the camera) I remember I was sitting outside listening to a CD on my CD player, I was listening to Until I Find You Again by Richard Marx. It was one of the days when the van would come late to pick us up and so I was out there having a cigarette and waiting. Chloe came up to me, I really hated her I even remember writing something about her on the bathroom wall, anyway she came up to me and told me that Suzanne wanted to see me. I rolled my eyes and ignored her but then I saw Suzanne looking out of the top window down at me and I knew she was serious. I gathered up all of my things and went inside, up all the stairs and met Suzanne in the hallway. She told me that Aileen wanted to talk to me. I shook my head and said No and then started to walk in the other direction. It was hard enough that I wasn’t allowed to talk to Aileen, it was hard enough thinking that she thought I was a monster but I couldn’t face her, I just couldn’t. Suzanne insisted that I go with her to the art room to see Aileen, so finally I relented and decided that I had nothing to lose. She took me in there, Aileen was waiting, this was at a period of time where I wasn’t allowed to be alone with Aileen so Suzanne stayed in there for the length of the conversation.

Through the whole thing I cried, I don’t know why I cried, I cried a lot back in those days. But Aileen told me everything. She told me that the reason she couldn’t talk to me was because Mr. Dunne said that she couldn’t talk to me. She apologized for all of the fights we had, she told me that she didn’t think I was a monster. I told her that I was sorry about the car accident, I told her that I had said that I wished she would get into an accident, I told her I felt like it was my fault. I didn’t really believe that it was my fault, but I can’t help but wonder if it would have happened if I wouldn’t have said something like that. Anyway we really hit it off and we made amends to each other and that was that. I was so glad that Suzanne had dragged me into that meeting because if she hadn’t I wouldn’t have ever known Aileen’s true feelings.

I was on cloud nine, for once things were going my way (this is when Alex comes back into the picture) when I got home I got a phone call. It was from my dad, he told me that someone named Alex had called the police and that she had PROOF that I had threatened to kill Aileen. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, what could I have ever said or done to give her that idea? I mean she told me many times that she wanted to kill her parents but that didn’t mean I was going to run off and tell the police. My dad was very unhappy with me and he came home that day very angry. Just after we had dinner the police showed up at my house to ask me questions. They asked me things about Aileen, if I knew her, if I liked her, how we got along…stuff like that.

“Would you ever harm her?” They asked me.

“No…never I would never do anything like that.” I replied, there was never a single cell in my body that would ever want to hurt Aileen. Sure sometimes I felt like punching her but if you knew of all the people I felt like punching then you might be on that list too. Anyway the police left and I was sent up to my room for the rest of the night. They wouldn’t let me make any phone calls, I wanted to call a friend but they wouldn’t let me. So I locked myself in my bathroom and cut up my arms pretty bad that night, so bad that I could smell the blood coming out from my skin and the bath water was turning pink.

I went to school the next day where I confided in my friend Erin. I told her everything that had happened the night before. Aileen wasn’t in school that day when I came back, I guess it was because she was scared of me, or maybe it would have been too awkward to see me, in any case she wasn’t there. Erin invited me to come back home with her because I was too scared to face my parents again. I went back to her house in Akron (which is about an hour from where I live) and we hung out there. Her mom mad spaghetti that night I remember it so vividly. I stayed there with her for a few hours before my mom and dad wanted me to come back home. So I hopped in the car with Erin and her mom and we were on our way. When I got home my parents weren’t very happy with me…not surprisingly. Anyway I went up to my room and cried for a while. I remember thinking why this had to happen to me. I never wanted to harm Aileen, never and yet my whole world was crashing down around me.

The next two weeks went slowly. Every bit of work that I had from school came home to me to do. I remember one of my teachers, Pat, showed up at my house with a folder of work. I was so happy to see her because at that point I was almost positive that all of the teachers hated me. I don’t remember when it happened or how but I was invited to go to Florida with my father for a few days. Since I was already suspended from school it didn’t really matter if I went with him or not but I decided to go. It was February and I hate Cleveland weather, but there was one condition. The condition was that we had to stay with my mom’s friend Anne. Anne and I have never really gotten along and since I was a little girl I’ve always been scared of her. We got to the condo and it was very nice, there were two bedrooms, a big living room, and a porch. I remember liking the place because I was allowed to smoke inside. I brought all my work from school and I had to work on it during the day to please my dad.

The first night we were at Anne’s condo there was a major blow out. We had gone out to eat and that went fine I suppose but Anne was drinking. On the way home I remember talking about how my grandma was scary to me when I was kid. I said this because we were talking about family, and believe me my grandmother was scary. She had a glass eye and she used to tap on it with her pen. I also remember being really little and she would take out her teeth in front of me and that always scared me half to death, I mean was like four or five years old. Anyway Anne didn’t like my complaining very much and she started to yell at me. Now I have a big mouth, (If you haven’t noticed) And so instead of talking back to her I decided to walk faster then her. She caught up with me and continued to yell at me, she was telling me what a selfish spoiled brat I was. Me? Selfish? I don’t think so, I’m probably one of the least selfish people you’d ever meet. I remember one winter my friend didn’t have a winter coat cause she couldn’t afford one so I gave her mine. As for spoiled…I don’t think so either. If I was spoiled I’d have my own car, and I’d still be in college using my dad’s money. I continued to ignore her while I was walking fast but she just kept coming at me, all in my face you know? So finally she got in front of me, and started to block my path. Don’t ask me where my dad was through all of this because I’m still not sure about that. Anyway she was blocking me and yelling at me and I raised my fist.

“What are you going to do?” she taunted at me, “Are you going to hit me?” at that point I wanted to hit her more then I wanted to do anything in the world but she’s a lot older and smaller then me, not to mention the fact that we were staying at HER condo so I lowered my fist. She called me a bitch.

“Get the FUCK out of my way.” I said to her and then I shoved her out of my way. When we got back into the building where the condo was my dad sat me down and talked to me. He told me that he had heard the whole conversation. I told him that I didn’t want to stay there anymore, I told him that I knew it was a bad idea to come, I told him that I knew coming there to stay with her wasn’t such a good idea in the first place. He told me that he would talk to Anne and if she did anything else like that when we were there that we would go to a hotel. Well the rest of the trip went off with out a hitch, Anne barely talked to me more then she had to and as a plus she got the flu so I didn’t have to see her the rest of the time anyway.

When we came home I found out that my parents were bringing up a lawsuit against my school. Now the school was terribly under funded and the last thing I wanted them to do was take away the money that the school so desperately needed. We went to a lawyer and everything, I remember having to go to these meetings with my lawyer and my parents. We would sit there and they would talk and I just had to keep my big mouth shut and listen, I had absolutely no say in what was going on.

The reason they were suing my school was a simple yet effective one. When you enter a private school they usually write up something called an IEP. This is basically an overview of how the education plan is supposed to go. It’s also like a contract. The contract said that I could be expelled if I didn’t do my work and stop showing up for classes, but in the IEP there was nothing about me being expelled for threatening a teacher. I thought that something like that just went without saying, I mean I totally agreed that I should be expelled (like I said before) but my parents on the other hand had a different idea.