Not another X-Files Movie! (A Parody of what the next movie might be like…or not) Rated: Z Minus I'm guessing since Z comes after X it must be worse then rating something XXX cause it's like a Z Minus…. Okay anyway I am so here goes the disclaimer. Disclaimer: Please don't sue me I just like to write parodies about things that are not my property. Dude: Look a cave! Lets amble into it aimlessly with out supplies or flashlights so we can see what's inside! Other Dude: Good Idea! [They both get out of the car and head into the cave] [There are weird drippy X-files sounds and lots of smoke] [There is lighting in the cave but as we all know in real life there would be no visibility] Dude: COOL LOOK WHAT I FOUND! Other Dude: Wow dude it's an alien chick [they are conveniently standing in front of the alien so we can't see it] Dude: I wonder what happens if we press this button that says do not touch…. Other Dude: Lets find out! [They press the button and the glass shield raises and the alien chick bursts out and roars] [She is covered in slime and nasty stuff and looks totally hideous] [She rips both of their heads off and then their Male Parts and eats their eyes] [She carries the bodies to the car and jams two robot heads into the necks] Dude Robot: We are whipped we are whipped Other Dude Robot: We belong to you we belong to you Alien Chick: ROAR! [She speeds off] [Back in the cave 4 other Alien chicks burst out of their containment thingies and run out of the cave] ~Washington DC~ Mulder: Their heads were found in a field with their…Male parts shoved in their mouths… Scully: Have we identified the victims yet? Mulder: Yes their names are Dude and Other Dude. I'd ask you to do an autopsy but I guess I would be getting ahead of my self… Scully: Mulder you aren't Austin Powers. Mulder: DAMN IT! Scully: Besides that made absolutely no sense at all…I guess what I mean is, you shouldn't be so cocky! Mulder: Ha so funny I forgot to laugh. [Reyes and Doggette walk in, Scully and Mulder look at them like "What the hell are you doing here?"] Reyes: I…. Scully: Don't talk then we have you pay you. Mulder: Lets get the hell are out of here Doggette: Is she coming too? Scully: I guess so but if she tries to steal my sex appeal I'll kill her I swear to god… Reyes: But…. Everyone: SHUT UP! [Reyes growls and folds her arms] Scully: Get her into the carrying case and then tranquilize her so she can't talk. Doggette: I'm on it! ~On the Plane~ [Scully is playing a game of solitaire on her laptop and Mulder is playing with a ball and paddle, Doggette is laying across his seats cause they are in triple ultra platinum first class] Mulder: How much do you think this cost the unsuspecting taxpayers of America? Scully: Who cares we never have to deal with the public directly [Scully is busy getting a manicure from a guy who looks like his name would be something like Butch] Something Like Butch: Chu want me to do your feet too? Scully: Why not…and don't skip on the bunions. Mulder: 789, 790, 791 [Still playing with his paddle ball] Doggette: Where were these heads found anyway? Scully: In Roswell New Mexico, surprise huh? Mulder: 799… Doggette: Yeah I know [They both share a laugh] Reyes: HEY I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE! Scully: Man who told her she could talk, some one open the over head compartment so she can breath. [Doggette lazily reaches up and opens the compartment with his foot] [Reyes is panting and sweating like a mule in heat] Mulder: Bad analogy Narrator: Shut up before I replace your ball and paddle with a pleasure master 2000! Mulder: And that would be bad because of WHAT? Narrator: BACK TO THE PARODY ALREADY! Mulder: Bitch Doggette: Maybe we should start treating Reyes like she's a human being, you just don't like her cause she solves all the cases while you sit on your ass and complain. Scully: Yeah so? We still get all the credit for it, everyone thinks she's a nut. Mulder: Yeah sort of like me without a huge fan base! Doggette: I don't care what you say, I'm going to treat her like a human being Scully: I can't HEAR YOU! Butch put cotton in my ears my nails aren't dry yet [He puts some cotton in her ears] [Doggette helps Reyes out of the over head compartment and gives her his martini] Reyes: How much do you think the American taxpayers had to fork over for this? Scully: Uh that topic of conversation was like SO 5 minutes ago! ~Meanwhile~ [The 4 Alien Chicks are in their secret hide out, it's a big building in the middle of nowhere that says "ALIEN CHICK HIDE OUT LIKE DON'T COME IN!"] [We see that the first Alien Chick is Tea Leoni and she is eating a bunch of newspapers, or As I like to call it white trash] [She is sitting at the head of the table so she is obviously the leader] Tea: What is our first order of business Ms. Spears? Brittany: Uh…OOPS I DID IT AGAIN? [Giggles like a moron and she eats her lipstick] Tea: I don't know why I brought you to this planet in the first place…[She dips her news paper into some nuclear waste and takes another bite] Christina: All I know is I'm a geanie in a bottle! You better rub me the right way! Jeri Ryan: Now I remember why you brought them, it was for Sex Appeal. Good thing I have brains… Tea: Right…Okay now what was our first order of business again? Jeri: I think that Krista might know… Krista: I am Atrayou [Holds up her flint lock pistol from that one episode she was in] Tea: Okay it looks like me and you are the brains of the operations right? Jeri: Does my hair look better up or down? Tea: Okay I guess it's just me…beauty and brains…. Everyone but Tea: BEAUTY? Tea: SHUT UP BEFORE I VAPORIZE YOU ALL! Now here's the plan, all we have to do is seduce Agent Mulder and Agent Doggette and they will do the rest. Krista: You better leave the seducing up to us… Brittany: Yeah you couldn't seduce a dog! Tea: I SAID SHUT UP! ~In the hotel~ Mulder: Woo Hoo we get the David Duchovny suite! Scully: OH YEAH! Doggette: Awe we get the Anal Probe suite! Reyes: Yeah all the chairs have dildos glued to them…wait I can see an upside to this Mulder: Me too…[Scratches his chin as if he is deep in thought] Scully: EWW MULDER! [She backhands him] [The DD suite is filled with every porn object you could ever think of] Oh well at least we get something good out of this. Mulder: I call the bed [It's a huge heart shaped bed] Oh look New Years Day is on a 24-hour marathon! Scully: Great just great… Doggette: At least you don't have a 24-hour marathon of when Good Cops Get Ass… [Peeking his head in through the adjoining door to their rooms] Scully: I'd rather watch that then New Years Day Mulder: SHHH it's they part where she throws him out of the room. Scully: Can I sleep with you guys? Doggette: HMMMM Reyes: NOT LIKE THAT YOU MEAT HEAD! Reyes: Wait I have an idea…[She shoves Doggette into Mulder's room and pulls Scully into her room and slams the door] [She grabs some boards out of nowhere and nails them across the door] Doggette: DAMN IT! YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS? Mulder: That I have the pay for the popcorn? Doggette: NO! Now we are missing the wonderful lesbian sex that always happens in these situations. Mulder: SHHH PENIS CLOSE UP! Doggette: This is truly Hell ~Back at the alien hideout~ [Brittany has her feet up on a Justin Timberlake footstool] Brittany: Hey, you guys ever think that maybe there is more to life then lip syncing, being teen idols, and pussy whipping teenage boys? Christina: Yeah I mean, isn't it a little shallow to sit around doing out hair and make up all day just so we can go out for 10 minutes? Jeri: And it's it pretty stupid that we are wearing next to nothing and spandex body suits just to get our ratings up? Krista: Yeah and doing cameos on TV shows when anyone who doesn't watch porn knows who you are? [The four beauties look at each other and then shake their heads] Everyone Cept Tea: NAW Tea: WILL YOU SHUT UP I HAVE TO THINK OF A PLAN! Jeri: That shouldn't be a problem I mean you're the one who traded beauty for brains. [Tea throws a shoe at her] Tea: Go get a breast implant… Krista: Um excuse me; wouldn't it make more sense to get two? [Tea throws her other shoe Krista] [Jeri walks over to a door that says "Breast Implant Machine" and she inserts a quarter and steps inside] Tea: If only I had a quarter… Cristina: Trust me you are going to need more then a quarter to fix that face. [Jeri walks out and she has bigger boobs then she had before] Tea: I hate you so much ~Next Day~ [Everyone is in the rental car driving aimlessly through the desert] [Mulder is pumping up the jams with MCHAMMER and Celion Dion] Reyes Would it kill you to turn the air-conditioning on? If I want to be in a sauna I would go back to my compartment on the airplane. Doggette: Yeah my balls are so sweaty I can smell them through my pants. Scully: Don't worry so can I. Mulder: If I turn on the air-conditioner then that will waste gas and you know how damn expensive it is to refill these SUVS. Scully: Screw you [She turns the air on full blast and about 2 seconds later everyone is covered in frost and shivering] Reyes: Would it kill you to turn on the heat? Mulder: GOD DAMN IT! Look now we are out of gas. [The car drifts to a halt right in front of the alien hideout] [They all look up at it, oblivious to the fact that it's just the thing they have been looking for] Mulder: Man I am going in there and see if they have a phone. Scully: What about our cell phones? [She holds up hers and he breaks it in half] HEY! Mulder: If we use a cell phone then we have no plot so stop being a smart ass. Scully: Fine what ever [She puts on her really bitching sunglasses and steps out of the car with the rest of them] if anything happens to you I am not going to save your ass. Mulder: yeah and when was the last time you had to save MY ass? [Scully, Reyes, and Doggette look at each other and start laughing their Asses off] Mulder: Well that time doesn't count. [They all walk into the big top secret alien hideout and look around] [It is filled with stuff from Brittany Spears music videos, Star Trek Voyager memorabilia and some sort of genie in a bottle theme] Scully: OH MY GOD I'M BLIND! Reyes: Take off your sunglasses you idiot. Scully: Oh yeah, [She takes them off and she looks around] OH GOD I'M STILL BLIND! Reyes: Yeah maybe you should just put your sunglasses back on…[Reyes takes Scully's arm to lead her through the building] [they start to walk towards the door at the end of the hallway] Doggette: Hey where's Mulder? [They turn and look around and then they see Mulder dry humping a life size mannequin of Seven Of Nine] Reyes: I thought this was the hard rock café not the hard cock café. Scully: Yeah I think some one needs a stiff drink. [They both laugh but no one else does and Mulder moves away from the statue and it comes to life] Jeri: Hi there, I was just practicing my poses for Trek Weekly. Scully: OH GOD I'M EVEN MORE BLIND THEN BEFORE! [Doggette and Mulder start to drool over the woman that is talking to them] Reyes: Oh come on she's not that pretty. Jeri: Oh my knee-high leather boot seems to be untied [She bends over fix them and her boobs fall out of her unreasonably tight shirt] Reyes: Lets say we leave them here and go find us a phone. They are just going to get in the way. Scully: Yeah but I am still blind [Grabs Reyes's arm and she leads her into the next room that is completely filled with Naked Truth and Days of our lives stuff] Scully: Okay now I'm blind and sick to my stomach. Reyes: Join the club; you think there would be a phone in this squalid hellhole. [Leaving Mulder and Doggette behind Scully and Reyes continue to another room that is rather normal and it has two elevators] [There is a sign next to the up and down buttons that says, "If you want to use a phone go to the 4th floor] Reyes: It's a sign on the wall. Scully: What does it say? I'm in hysterical shock your know. Reyes: it says that if you want to use the phone go to the fourth floor. Scully: Doesn't that sound like a trap to you? Reyes: Not really? Besides even if it is we can get out of it right? Scully: Not if I'm blind your cheese curl. Reyes: Just snap out of it! I mean none of this stuff seems to be bothering me now does it? Scully: That's cause you are so obviously a lesbian! DUH! Reyes: I don't think that's why Scully: IT SO IS! Reyes: IS NOT! [While they keep arguing lets skip to the main room where all the aliens are and they are totally unaware of the fact that the people wish to capture are in the building already] Tea: I Still don't understand how we are going to capture these people when I am surrounded by a bunch of idiots! Brittany: oops I did it again? Christina: I swear if you say that one more time I will slap you up side the head with my geanie bottle. Krista: Do you think maybe we should all get in leather cat suits and have a mud-wrestling tournament? Tea: How the HELL is that going to help anything? Krista: I don't know I just thought it might be fun. Tea: I guess it's time I call upon the ultimate babe from the planet crackpot Brittany: who is that? Christina: Where is Jeri? Tea: Who cares she made me look so ugly when she was in the room… [Everyone looks at each other like that statement made no sense what so ever] Tea: Anyway the ultimate babe is [A door slides back to reveal Yoko Ono] Everyone: OH GOD! Brittany: Why they HELL is the ultimate sex symbol? Yoko: EEEEEE YAAAAA EEEEE YAAAA NUMBA NINE! Tea: Sorry I just like to keep her around to make me look pretty; I meant to open the other door [Another door slides open to reveal Gillian Anderson] Gillian: I am the sexiest woman alive! Everyone: We're not worthy we're not worthy. Gillian: I know [She walks over and sits in her throne and puts her feet up] [She starts to brush her hair and look in a golden hand mirror that is on the table beside her] Gillian: With my massive brainpower and good looks I have detected 4 intruders in the building. Tea: Where are they? Gillian: They are heading to the 4th floor where the phone is, what genius decided to put a sign up that told everyone where the phone was? Krista: Not me Christina: Not me Brittany: Oops I did it again! [Everyone groans at the bad joke and Christina throws her geanie bottle at Brittany's head] [When it hits it makes a hollow sounds, no one is surprised] ~On the Elevator~ Scully: Finally I can take my glasses off [She removes them and rubs her eyes] [Suddenly the elevator music starts playing and it's the theme from the naked truth] Reyes: What the hell kind of song is that? Scully: I think it's from that show that went off the air in 2 minutes Tea [Over comm. System]: I HEARD THAT YOU SKANK! Scully: What was that? Reyes: Who knows, I wonder what Doggette and Mulder are doing right now. ~In the first hallway~ Jeri: I'm sort of lost and I forgot what floor I'm supposed to go back to, and I have to use the bathroom and take a cold shower. Doggette: Maybe we can help you find out where you are supposed to go, do you know where the elevators are? Jeri: Um I think they are that way. [She points in a random direction] Mulder: That's a wall sweetie. Jeri: Oh…then maybe we should just wander around until we find them? Doggette: Okay as long as I get to walk BEHIND you. Mulder: Yeah Me too! [They start to walk in the completely wrong direction but they don't care cause they are watching her ass] ~4th floor~ [The fourth floor is just a room with a butt load of phones] [No pictures paintings or music just phones] Scully: I can see again and I don't feel sick. Reyes: Me too! [They each pick up a phone to call triple A, they believe that if they make two calls it will double the chances that some one will actually comes with in the next 5 hours] **Note To people who work at AAA or people who know some one who works there the opinion that AAA is slow is the opinion of the writers not the characters because come on these characters aren't real! -Love Santa Clause** ~Back to Mulder and Doggette~ [Mulder and Doggette are following Jeri as she wanders aimlessly through the hall but they don't care because they are all staring at her well toned ass] Jeri: Maybe it's over this way [She turns and walks into a wall] Mulder: No sweetie that's the wall again. Jeri: Oh…Right… Doggette: Man this is going to take forever… Mulder: And you care because? Doggette: You're right…why the hell am I complaining about this situation? [They high five each other] [They all keep going and they finally find the elevators that will take them back to head quarters] Jeri: YAY! WE FOUND THEM! [They get on the elevator and Jeri dances to the music and Doggette and Mulder watch her boobs jiggle] Mulder: I hope this music never stops…[Of course it does and they sigh and Jeri leads them to the main room where Gillian is on her thrown hurling spit balls at Krista] Doggette: Oh my god I think we are in heaven [He pinches Brittany Spears's butt] Mulder: Hey! This has to be hell I mean look [Points to Brittany] Jail bait, [Points to Krista] Whore [points to Christina] Jail bait [Points to Tea] Fish Bait Tea: HEY! [Folds her arms] Mulder: And yet I feel strangely attracted to her. Doggette: SNAP OUT OF IT MAN! [He backhands Mulder twice, once to snap him out of it and the second time just cause he feels like it] Mulder: You're right; I have to hold out for Scully… Doggette: Fat chance you are going to get that ice queen Mulder: What did you say? [Growls] Doggette: I said, Damn I really feel like ice cream… Mulder: Oh yeah me too, Well I am pretty hungry Gillian: BRING THEM TO ME! Mulder: Scully? Why are you sitting on that throne eating those flesh colored hackie Sacks? Doggette: I don't think those are flesh colored hackie sacks Mulder….[They both think about that for a moment] Both: She must be PMSing Gillian: SILENCE! BOW BEFORE YOUR QUEEN! [They kneel before her and Mulder eyes the "Hackie Sacks" that are in a big bowl by Gillian Anderson] Mulder: Man what a Bitch! Gillian: What did you say???? Mulder: I said...Um...Don't have your hand be wet when you turn on a light switch Gillian: Good Idea...You're Smart. Mulder: thank you very Much Gillian: BRING ME THE TWO WOMEN! Tea: Yes Ma'am... ~We Now Pause for Parody Identification and commercial Break~ Fraiser: This is Doctor Fraiser Crane and you are reading a most wonderful parody, Continue reading at your own risk. Niles: Hey that was My Line you NINNY! Fraiser: oh Like having sex with the most beautiful woman in the world isn't enough for you? Niles: [Has a horrified Gasp]YOU TAKE THAT BACK! Fraiser: Make me! [They get into a sissy boy slap fight] Author: Anyway...Boy are those too efiminate...although I would like to have Niles for a night Niles: why thank you Author Lady Fraiser: WHAT ABOUT ME? Author: you talk to much Niles: HA! I told you! ~Commercial Break~ Are you tired of those baked and not fried, made with real cheese, wholesome snacks that smile back until you bite their heads off? Dude: Not really [Eating Gold fish crackers] STOP EATING THE COMPETORS PRODUCT AND LISTEN TO ME! Dude: Oh I mean, Yeah I hate those pussy goldfish Right, So if you want something good then try Fried GOO, first we take Cheese from a can and fry it and then put it on a stick. Dude 2: WOW! That's like a Heart attack in a BOX! Damn right it is! So Buy your Fried Goo Today! Warning: Fried Goo should not be consumed by people over the age of 12 with a heart condition. Fried goo is not responsible for Unexplained Deaths, World war II, or the Success Of Tea Leoni, Enjoy at your own risk! ~Commercial End~ [Mulder is standing there eating Fried Goo on a stick] Mulder: MMMMM Gooey! [A lawyer walks out and hands him a wad of cash for product placement and leaves] Doggette: How are we going to get out of this? Scully: AHHH I"M BLIND! Reyes: GOD DAMN IT STOP SAYING THAT YOU ARE FINE![She takes off Scully's Sun glasses to reveal that Scully's Eyes are all frosted over] Reyes: Ewww [Carefully puts the sunglasses back on Scully's face] Gillian: Bring her here I'll heal her sight Doggette: Yeah and I'm a world war 2 veteran Reyes: Fine By me she's annoying anyways [Shoves Scully into Gillian's throne] [Gillian Touches Scully's head and all of a sudden she can see again] Scully: I can SEE! Doggette: WOW YOU'RE LIKE JESUS! But not in a sacreligous way Gillian: I AM GILLIAN ANDERSON! FEEL THE POWER OF MY Um...BABE-ISH-NESS! Mulder: I'm feeling it right now [Touching gillian's Boobs] Gillian: STOP THAT! Doggette: Mulder I wouldn't mess with the woman who eats testicles for a snack... Mulder: Good Idea [Moves away from Gillian] Reyes: Excuse me...is this plot going ANYWHERE? Author: No...No It's Not Doggette: Well we could use a little help escaping here! Author: Fine [Suddenly weapons appear in all of the Agents hands, Mulder gets a Fork, Scully gets a spork, reyes gets a feather duster, and Doggette gets a Mop] Mulder: OH COME ON! Reyes: not this Again! [They all stand in a circle and yell: SUPER K-MART WORKERS UNITE!] [Reyes and Scully are transformed into Cafeteria workers with hairnets and what not and Mulder and Doggette turn into Janitors] Tea: What the Hell is going on? Reyes: We're here to Red neck you to death! Gillian: NOOOOOOOOOO! Guy: TOASTIES! [Mulder hits Tea in the head with his fist and then stabs her in the eye with his fork and she Explodes] Mulder: In the Name of the Broom we will punish you! Gillian: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! [She runs away] [The Super K-Mart team destroys everyone except Gillian who got away] Scully: This was a really bad ending to a parody... Reyes: Well it is a Parody Mulder: WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THE FORK??? Scully: Because you suck...Now lets get down stairs Triple A should be here by now. Reyes: Right! Fraiser: And so they all road off into the sunset over the bumpy uneven sand. Bull Dog: WOO hoo! [Picturing their Boobs going up and down and he honks his horn] Niles: That was a Good Story Fraiser...Except for the part when you won the Sissy Slap fight We all know that's not true. Daphne: Yes we all know Niles would win in a slap fight [Her and Roz look at each other and burst out laughing] Niles: What's so Funny? Fraiser: Shut up! Eddie: WOOF! Fraiser: GET OFF OF MY COUCH!!!! -End-