ER: On Survivor
Heading the team Romano Sucks:
Kerry Weaver
Followed by:
John Carter
Abby Lockhart
Susan Lewis
Greg Pratt
Heading the team Weaver Sucks:
Robert Romano
Followed by:
Luka Kovach
Jing Mai Chen
Elizabeth Corday
Mark Green
We took ten people and put them on a desert island, we didn’t take 16 because I don’t know 6 more characters well enough to write them in a parody. Out Play, Out Live, Take Out Chinese, In any case they are stuck on this island for 42 weeks to see who is the ultimate survivor!
Team Romano Sucks:
Day 1
[Weaver is relaxing in a hammock, we don’t know how she got it, and reading a magazine, we don’t know how she got that either]
Carter: Okay time to build a shelter…
Pratt: Move over you cracker…I’ll build us a shelter.
Susan: I don’t know if I want to entrust my living quarters to you…
Pratt: Then build your own shelter…damn. [He walks off to find something to make a shelter out of] [Abby is looking through the crate of supplies that they took with them]
Abby: A machete…that’s mine…a first aid kit…that’s mine…inflatable raft…mine…survival guide for the tropical islands…[Looks at the book] I have the inflatable raft why the hell do I need this? [She tosses it behind her and it hits Lewis on the head]
Susan: OW! I’m trying to build a shelter here!
Carter: Yes trying but not succeeding. [Lewis throws a rather big stick at his head and he ducks]
Weaver: Hey all of you shut up and build me a shelter I don’t have time for this. [She puts some sunglasses on and continues to read her magazine]
Abby: I wish I was on Romano’s team…wait…no…boy is this one hell of a catch 22.
Carter: you got that right! Want some chardonnay? [He opens a bottle that was in the crate]
Abby: You know I can’t have alcohol…
Carter: Oh there’s not alcohol in chardonnay.
Abby: Okay then, [Takes the bottle and takes a few gulps] [Carter takes a few gulps too and then closes the bottle and sets it aside]
Susan: Did anyone see where Pratt went? [They all look off into the distance to see that an incredibly nice mansion has been built from bamboo and other things]
Carter: HELL NO!
[Pratt walks down the stone pathway that he built that leads up to the house]
Pratt: Where do you wanna live now biotch? [He says to Susan, Susan growls and then sits down in the sand and pouts]
Weaver: good job Pratt you can have a raise when we get back.
Pratt: Slick!
Team Weaver Sucks:
[Romano is busy asserting his authority over nature by hitting animals with sticks] [Corday is laying in the sand complaining about how hot she is, and Mark is about two seconds away from strangling Jing Mai who won’t shut up about how he’s building the shelter all wrong] [Luka has his shirt off (For the ladies) and is starting a fire]
Jing Mai: No the door way has to be facing east or else we’ll have bad luck.
Mark: WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY!
Jing Mai: No I will not have you constructing a bad dojo.
Mark: Dojos are Japanese and you are Chinese there for you don’t know anything SO SHUT UP!
Romano: Ladies, ladies, ladies, calm down the only fighting I want to see is Jing Mai and Elizabeth in the mud wearing bikinis…Mark stop being such a little bitch, and Jing Mai…why don’t you frolic up and down the beach in the nude?
Jing Mai: you are such a pig Robert. [She walks over to join Corday]
Mark: Talk about my wife that way again and I’ll show you a good fight.
Romano: Right whatever, Okay people it’s getting dark and I killed our dinner so you can’t vote me off [points to a pile of animals that he killed by hitting them with a stick]
Corday: Bloody hell you killed all of those with a stick?
Romano: Yeah…and you’re the woman so you can skin them, gut them, and cook them. [He tosses Corday a pocket knife]
Corday: I hate you.
Romano: Yeah I know…get to work.
Luka: I’m done with the fire, and the shelter, which I built in a tree…it’s amazing what you learn in the Congo. [Everyone looks up to see a very Swiss family Robinson house connected through like 4 trees and a ladder going up there]
Romano: Who would have thought you’d be good for anything. [Starts climbing up the ladder and Luka follows]
Corday: You don’t expect me to cook this…thing and eat it.
Romano: It’s all we have.
Luka: In the old country we ate our shoes!
Jing Mai: It’s just a game, It’s just a game, It’s just a game, [She starts to climb up into the tree house] [Corday picks up the dead animal, it looks like a badger, and starts to skin it while the others soak in the hot tub Luka some how built in the giant tree house]
Day Two
Team Romano Sucks
Weaver: Lets see…[She’s carving something into a stone mountain that’s about a hundred yards away from the camp site] [She moves away and it says: 100 reasons why Romano Sucks]
Pratt: 93 reasons.
Weaver: Huh?
Pratt: You wrote because for 7 of the numbers.
Weaver: Oh…[She moves over to the side and write 100 Reasons why I hate Dr. Pratt]
Susan: Get a life and help me find our water supply.
Weaver: Screw you I already found the water supply when I was up at 6 o’clock this morning and after I brought back a whole shit load of water I ran 4 miles, caught 7 fish, and found a cure for male pattern baldness…
[Abby, Susan, and Carter Look at her amazed]
Weaver: That’s why you always have to be at work early…
Carter: Why? So we can run 4 miles and catch 7 fish?
Weaver: No…so you can watch how good I am at my job.
Abby: I think I really do want to be on Romano’s team now [Takes a drink of wine]
Weaver: you shall not speak that name here…
Abby: What are you going to do about it? [Hiccups] [Weaver whacks her in the head with her crutch]
Weaver: I’ll do that…
Abby: Touché! [She falls over and Carter steals her wine and starts drinking it]
Pratt: We have wine! Damn it I shouldn’t have to put up with Weaver when I’m sober! [He grabs the bottle and takes a few gulps]
Susan: Yeah why were you holding out on us? Weaver is a bitch! [Grabs the bottle from Pratt and takes a few gulps]
Weaver: Um I’m right here…
Everyone: WE KNOW!
Weaver: You are all fired when we get back to the real world…NOW whose being a bitch?
Carter: You still are…
Weaver: Well that back fired on me. [She heads to the really big house they made out of bamboo and the rest of the staff make faces at her behind her back]
Team Weaver Sucks
[Romano is standing on the balcony to the tree house with his stick that he likes to hit stuff with] [Jing Mai comes up behind him and hands him a drink that looks tropical]
Jing Mai: I thought you might be thirsty.
Romano: And you thought I might be stupid too…you drink it first. [Jing Mai looks at the cup nervously, then angrily and throws it over the side of the balcony]
Jing Mai: I’m going to get you…especially because I have to wear these coconut shells as a bra since you threw all of my clothes in the volcano.
Romano: It was an act of god
Jing Mai: Well so is my foot when it gets launched into your ass.
Romano: Go eat a dog.
Jing Mai: Grow some hair! [She storms off]
~Meanwhile~
[Mark and Lizzie are on the beach making out, like they have been for the past 6 hours] [Mark suddenly looks up]
Mark: Damn this pasty white skin I’m completely burned, and my crotch itches.
Corday: Bloody Hell I thought that might be poison ivy!
Mark: Don’t tell me you were stupid enough to touch it again…not only that…then touch my package.
Corday: Sorry I didn’t know what it was. [She looks at her hands] I don’t have it…
Mark: That probably means you have become one of those rare people who aren’t allergic to it…unless you are sleeping with some one else and you gave me an STD.
Corday: I’m NOT Sleeping with anyone else! [Thinks about Dorset: I don’t think he had any STDs] NOT A SINGLE ONE!
Mark: Calm down I know you wouldn’t cheat on me, you wouldn’t even cheat on me if I died suddenly right here on this tropical island.
Corday: Of course not I love you [Thinks about Dorset again]
Immunity Challenge
Legaspi: Hello I’m Kim Legaspi and I’ll be your host for this show…now for today’s immunity challenge.
[Everyone on Team Romano Sucks looks over at Kerry like she could bribe Kim into winning]
Weaver: What?
Carter: You know what…go get freaky with her so we get immunity.
Abby: If we get immunity [Hiccup] then all of us [hiccup] will have to spend three more days with her [she hiccups again and points at Weaver and drinks more wine]
Susan: Where are you getting all that wine?
Abby: I CAN STOP WHENEVER I WANT! I’M A BIG GIRL!
Weaver: Do you people not realize that I am standing right here?
Pratt: I know you are standing there. [Picking his teeth with a splinter of wood]
Susan: We don’t care if you care about what we care about talking about.
Carter: Yeah…what she said…
Abby: ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN? [hiccups and tries to slap Carter, she misses and follows through and lands face down in the dirt]
Pratt: Maybe some one should take that away from her.
Weaver: Maybe you should SHUT UP!
Pratt: MAKE ME! [Weaver whacks him in the crotch with her crutch and he falls over biting his lip]
Weaver: Looks like I made you.
Kim: Hello are we going to do the immunity challenge or do I have to get even more happy and perky then I already am?
Romano: Stupid Lesbians.
Kim: Excuse me?
Luka: He called you a stupid lesbian…but if you want to make out with Jing Mai…be my guest.
Jing Mai: HEY! [She slaps Luka]
Kim: What makes you think I would want her? [Jing Mai slaps Kim]
Jing Mai: So Now I’m not good enough for you?
Kim: No that’s not what I meant…I meant…nothing…
Jing Mai: So now I’m nothing to you? [Slaps her again]
Romano: CAT FIGHT!
Kim: There will be no car fight [Slaps Jing Mai and then runs to a safe distance] Today’s immunity challenge will co hosted by one of my patients. [A guy in a straight jacket walks over, he looks a lot like Malucci, actually he is Malucci]
Dave: YOU FIRED ME YOU BITCH! [Runs at Kerry who doesn’t move at all, and Kim puts her hand on his forehead and he starts running in place until he is in a hole in the sand that is too deep for him to climb out of]
Kim: Okay that was a bad Idea.
Dave: I WANT TO SEE YOUR INSIDES! [ Good Dave] No Dave take a deep breath [Evil Dave] YEAH TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND FOLLOW THROUGH! [Good Dave] No, it’s okay you’ve moved on to better things]
Susan: Looks like you did a really good job with him.
Carter: And Abby’s Mother…
Abby: My mother is so poor I saw her walking down the street with one shoe on and I’m all like hey you lost a shoe and then she kicked my ass [She passes out again]
Pratt: I don’t think that’s how that joke goes
Weaver: Who cares at least she shut up.
Susan: Finally you are right about one thing.
Kim: Hey did you just crack on my abilities as a psychiatrist?
Pratt: Hell yeah Bitch!
Kim: oh…[Looks over to Kerry with that upset face she always has] Kerry?
Weaver: Don’t look at me…you left me you punk ass ho.
Kim: FINE! Team Weaver Sucks, but probably doesn’t swallow, wins immunity! And a whole bunch of blankets!
Weaver: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
Kim: I just did. [Throws the immunity idol at them which is just a plastic toy ambulance]
Weaver: Eat me…
Kim: Yeah…when I’m in the mood for tuna I’ll call you [Weaver jumps on top of Kim and starts beating the crap out of her] [Some woman in a bikini runs over to them]
Woman: YEAH KICK HER ASS! SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE LEFT HER!
Romano: Who the hell are you?
Woman: Just an ER fan…KERRY RULES! [She runs off]
Luka: What the hell is ER?
Romano: the place where you work you foreign fruitcake.
Jing Mai: But why did she say she was a fan of ours?
Corday: Maybe she’s been in there before…
Mark: I think that would be less likely to make her a fan of us…and more likely to want to sue us.
Luka: What ever we got immunity…[He looks at them] FUCK I don’t want to spend 3 more days with you idiots!
Romano: Shut up you nut meat [He grabs the immunity idol] I’m going to ferment my own fruit.
[Mark picks up the crate with the blankets in them and they all start to head off to their camp] [Weaver and Kim are still fighting with each other]
Pratt: Should we break this up…
Carter: Just give it…3...2...1.. [Weaver screams and rips Kim’s shirt off] [The guys sigh happily, Susan pulls Abby up from the sand]
Susan: Lets go Abby no one wants to see this.
Abby: I’m horny!
Susan: Right…[Takes the bottle of wine from her]
Abby: You’ll have to speak up I’m wearing a towel.
Susan: Carter did you tell her there was no alcohol in chardonnay again?
Carter: Can’t talk…cat fight…later sex.
Susan: You are so dead when we get back to camp! [Grabs Abby by the hair and starts to drag her away]
Dave: A little help here? [Evil Dave] KILL THEM ALL! [Good Dave] No you don’t want to kill them [Evil Dave] HAVE SEX WITH THEIR WOMEN! [Good Dave] …. [Evil Dave]…[Good Dave] Sorry I can’t disagree with that.
Kim: YOU BITCH! [Strangling Weaver]
Day 6
Romano: Okay so we voted off Jing Mai thank god I think she was trying to kill me.
Luka: Who are you talking to?
Romano: [Looking at a tree with a hole in it] No one [Lowers his head in shame]
Luka: Right…[Starts to climb into the tree house] Stupid weirdo voting off the only chance I had to get laid I’ll show him…
Corday: You want me to put lotion where?
Greene: Hey you are the one who gave me poison ivy!
Corday: That doesn’t mean I’m going to…
Luka: What’s going on in here?
[Mark pulls his pants up…Corday is standing behind him in a leather dominatrix outfit holding a whip]
Corday: Nothing…
Luka: Right…[He leaves the room]
~Meanwhile~
[Romano is walking around hitting stuff with sticks]
Romano: Hey look at this, [He walks over to a stone wall/cave] it says something…[Looks at it] 100 Reasons why Romano Sucks…[Reads out loud] KERRY!
~An hour later~
Romano: There [He stands back and on the wall it’s written: 200 reasons why Weaver sucks]
Corday: 100 reasons
Romano: What the hell?
Corday: You wrote BECAUSE for 100 of the reasons…
Romano: Why are you in a leather teddy? And holding a whip.
Corday: I plead the 5th [She runs away] [Romano looks confused before leaving the cave area]
Team Romano Sucks:
[Weaver is back in the hammock we saw her in at the beginning]
Weaver: Carter get me something to drink…
Carter: I’ll show you something to drink!
Weaver: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Is it supposed to be a threat?
Carter: I guess not…[Kicks at the sand and goes to get Weaver some water]
Susan: You know you aren’t better then us right? Even though you have gotten us all the water and food…
Weaver: Fine…get your own damn food…I’ll keep mine to myself.
Susan: FINE!
Abby: I may be totally wasted but I happen to know that THAT WAS A BAD MOVE SUSAN!
Susan: Shut up and help me find food.
Abby: Hell no…[Is massaging Weaver’s feet] I prefer to eat whatever her majesty finds us.
Weaver: Thank you Abby…[Turns her head to Susan] I’d start looking for my dinner if I were you.
Carter: What did you do now? [Hands Weaver her water]
Susan: I have to go find my own food and water…I’ll see you in the next scene…um I mean in a little bit.
Carter: Whatever.
[Susan starts to walk off wondering where Pratt went and she sees the cave with the writing on it]
Susan: 200 reasons why Weaver sucks…91. Because I said so, 92. Because I said so, 93. Because I said so…what half wit wrote this crap?
Romano: Excuse me?
Susan: AHHH! Don’t do that!
Romano: AHHH! Don’t do THAT!
Susan: I don’t think we are supposed to come in contact with each other…
Romano: Screw the rules this game is bullshit anyway.
Susan: So you don’t care about the prize money?
Romano: THERE IS PRIZE MONEY!? OUT OF MY WAY BITCH! [Pushes her over for no apparent reason and then runs away] [Susan reaches up and scratches something under the 100 reasons why Romano Sucks]
Susan: 101...because!
Reward Challenge 2
Weaver: What the hell was the first reward challenge?
Kim: It was me not Killing you! [Has a cast on her arm and leg]
Weaver: Right [Looks perfectly fine]
Pratt: what the hell kind of crap do we win?
Kim: Well if you win this challenge you get an automatic exoneration if you accidentally or purposefully kill some one in the near future.
Corday: WOO HOO! [Everyone one looks at her] I mean that’s bloody stupid.
Mark: How many times are you going to say BLOODY in this parody?
Corday: Bloody Hell just shut your pie hole!
Mark: Fair enough.
Susan: So what do we have to do to win this?
Kim: We are going to sit Kerry and Robert at a table and the first one to use the word Lesbian In an insult…or in Kerry’s case…Little bitch…is out and the other team wins the exoneration.
Luka: I think we just lost
Romano: Don’t you have faith in me? She’s just a stupid lesbian…
Kim: Team Romano Sucks wins!
Romano: DAMN IT!
Weaver: WOO HOO!
Corday: But I really need that exoneration for when I accidentally slip and fall and lodge a bone saw in Romano’s head!
Pratt: French people suck.
Corday: I’m British.
Pratt: Whatever [Starts to walk away] [Corday growls at him and then looks at Romano and growls]
Corday: Can’t you go 5 minutes with out using the words lesbian, nut, meat, foreign, fruit, or bitch?
Romano: I don’t know what you are talking about! You are worse then a foreign lesbian nut meat eating fruit bitch!
Corday: I hate you!
Luka: Stupid French
Corday: I AM NOT FRENCH!
Day 18
Weaver: Remind me again why we voted Pratt off?
Susan: He got stuck in a loop and started calling everyone dawg
Weaver: But he was the only one who knew how to drive the escalade he made out of bamboo!
Carter: Why do we need a bamboo SUV anyway?
Weaver: Jam a bastard in it you crap!
Susan: Has anyone seen Abby?
Abby: HERE I AM! [Wearing a sea shell bra and a grass skirt] [She drinks some more wine]
Weaver: I hate you SOOOOO Much Carter.
Abby: I see bitchy people! [Weaver slaps her]
Team Weaver Sucks:
Romano: okay we are down…No more Luka and No Jing Mae…so I am stuck with a stupid French slut and her bitch.
Corday: I AM NOT FRENCH!
Mark: And I am not her bitch! [Corday is sitting on a lawn chair with her feet on Mark’s back because he is on all fours in front of her]
Romano: You know tomorrow is the merger…and at least Weaver’s team seems to have a steady supply of wine.
Corday: Yeah well we have a TV with satellite hook up…500 channels!
Mark: So we should convince them to move over here?
Corday: Did I say you could talk?
Romano: I don’t know which one of you annoys me more…
Corday: Shut up and get me some food.
Romano: Get it yourself! [Goes back into the tree house]
Team Romano Sucks:
Carter: So when we merge what camp do you think we should go to?
Weaver: Theirs, they seem to have a TV with Satellite hook up…500 channels.
Susan: Yeah but we have the computer with the cable modem.
Abby: PORN BABY! [Drinks more wine]
Weaver: I’m surprised she hasn’t gotten alcohol poisoning yet.
Susan: So am I…
Carter: So should we convince them to move over here? I mean we can get TV channels on the computer.
Weaver: We can? Why didn’t some one tell me this?
Susan: Cause he was too busy looking at porn to tell you.
Carter: Hey! It’s not porn…it’s ART! [Looks around] Now if you excuse me I’m going to look at some art…anyone have any lotion.
Weaver: EWWWWW!
Susan: Get out of here before we all decided to chop off your Wang doodle
Abby: Is that the proper medical term? [Hiccup]
Carter: Damn I was just joking…[Looks around] Sort of.
Immunity Challenge
Kim: I’ve run out of idea’s for the immunity challenge so um whoever can give me the best argument on why they should get the idle with out using any words with the letter E wins.
Susan: Okay that’s going to be impossible.
Carter: Not if you have an extensive vocabulary.
Abby: Like you Mr. Thesaurus? [she takes a drink of wine and then laughs]
Weaver: How many chances do we get?
Kim: One chance for each person on the team
Romano: Hmmm…I don’t want to win the idol cause I’ll be stuck with Frenchie…but I don’t want Weaver’s team to win…it’s the principal of the thing.
Greene: who are you talking to?
Romano: Psycho Dave…
Dave: Idol…my precious…precious!
Corday: You know I’m not French!
Romano: I know, it’s just fun to piss you off.
Greene: HEY! Stop being an ass!
Romano: Stop being a dork
Greene: Booger face
Romano: Stinky Butt
Corday: STOP ACTING LIKE CHILDREN!
Kim: Okay we are going to start, Kerry you can go first.
Weaver: Okay, I think that our group should win so that…
Kim: [Sounds an air horn] WRONG!
Weaver: I DIDN’T USE ANY WORDS WITH AN E!!
Kim: I know I just don’t like you…NEXT! [Sounds the air horn again]
Susan: Is that really necessary?
Kim: Yes it is! You’re Next!
Susan: I think that our group should win so that I won’t kick your ass.
Kim: Good argument, you guys going to stick with that?
[The group looks at each other and talks it over]
Weaver: Yeah
Kim: Good [Puts the air horn next to Weaver’s ear and presses the button]
Weaver: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! STOP THAT!
Kim: Whose going to give it a try over here?
Corday: I think I can win this.
Kim: Okay you’re up next.
Corday: I want to lick you up and down, that’s why I should win.
Kim: Oh yeah…[Smiles] We have a winner.
Weaver: whose thinner? [Having a problem hearing now not surprisingly]
Carter: THAT’S BULL [The air horn conveniently goes off]
Romano: WOOO HOO WE WON! IN YOUR FACE!
Abby: IN MY FACE! IN MY FACE! [She falls over]
Susan: I know who I’m voting off [Looks at Abby]
Abby: Who? [Looks around confused]
Carter: Lets get back to camp
Weaver: Lava Lamp?