Remember how I felt at work
yesterday when my cousin called?
He started in about that
stupid boat story of his,
(I've already heard it at
least
7 times since it happened
just
last month)
but he insists on carrying
on about it
I ask him if he's gotten
a new life jacket yet
He just gets mad
and goes off on some tangent,
talking so loud into the
phone that the guy in the cubicle next to me can hear him
buzzing over the phone like
an angry bee
and my neck is getting sore
from holding the phone with my shoulder
and someone rearranged all
the cards in my
Rolodex (which is a trademark
brand name, bytheway)
so I haven't been able to
find any of the numbers I've been looking for
and I just know I'm beginning
to draw
stares
from adjacent cubicles
and I can't get a word in
edgewise
(he seems rather fond of
the run-on sentence)
and finally my idiot cousin
just hangs up, right in mid-sentence.
It must run in the family
like being accident prone
and thank God I'm not as
bad as my brother's new brother-in-law.
We were both helping him
with some remarkable DIY project
(remarkable solely in the
fact that neither myself nor my brother
had the common sense to keep
this man away from
alcohol
which usually doesn't mix
well with DIY projects)
and he had finished most
of a six-pack
which shouldn't surprise
you since I don't drink
and he got pissed off at
something or other and just all
CRASH
of a sudden, there it goes
a wrench right through the
man's window
so naturally I (designated
driver) had to drive him to the
emergency room
which makes it sound much
more serious than it was
and is guaranteed to get
sympathy from most women he meets
(in bars, that is)
it only took a few stitches
after they cleaned out the
broken glass, but there was
a delay
some poor guy got stabbed,
and
of course
he was much more of an "emergency
room" case than
my brother's new brother-in-law
along with 6 police officers
2 or 3 firemen (or women,
I really couldn't tell from where we were sitting)
2 paramedics
a few friends, or maybe the
stabbed guy's family
I didn't ask
"I'm sorry, but we really
have to take care of this guy first, so your friend (he's just my brother's
new brother-in-law) will have to wait a while longer."
"That's okay, nurse, I understand."
with Jenny Jones blaring
on the TV in the waiting room
blathering about teen-goth-makeovers
or geek-parent-makeovers
or spring-break-reunions
I confess I wasn't paying
much attention
And what was it all for?
All so I can get back to my
brother's new brother-in-law's
house,
of course my brother's wife
picked him up hours ago
and now all the drunken bastard
can do
is whine about
"How the hell can I sleep
in here with
snow
coming in through that goddamn
broken window?"
at least,
that's what I think he said
just as I was headed quickly out the front door.
There's something
reassuring
(in the strange sort of way
that my therapist would just kind of
look at me)
in the knowledge that I'm
no worse off than most of my family
a lot of them think that
"I have it so much harder
than you did"
"Oh, I can't get over my
divorce"
"If only I had taken those
keys away from what's-his-name"
but we're all really the
same
One of the only things that
truly separates us all
family, friends, and complete
strangers
is the learning process
It's a major
Hollywood-sized
cliche
but what really counts is
what you take from life
those who don't learn from
their mistakes
(like the boat,
or the broken window,
or the farm,
or the sudden rendezvous
my sister's husband's car made with that telephone pole)
are doomed to repeat them
as dramatically and as thoroughly
scripted as
Yul Brynner in
"The Ten Commandments"
with all the hoopla and fanfare
until someone finally learns
something
then we won't have to listen
to the stories? No, there will always be stories,
and they are always interesting
as hell,
but once learned, they won't
be as boring,
they'll be as majestic and
spectacular as
Yul Brynner in
"The Ten Commandments"
with all the hoopla and fanfare
of a huge mega-Hollywood
production
except it's just a life-story,
being told by an ordinary person.
My other brother tells this
great one
about the last time he ever
went shopping with a
woman
this was an ex-girlfriend,
many ex-girlfriends ago
(yes, my parents still nag
him about
"Ohhhh, when are you going
to settle down
stop this crazy life-style
you're leading"
and it always becomes
"You're his brother, can't
you talk to him"
just like a sitcom from the
50's, my parents)
and being the youngest, he
learned a lot from life pretty early on
such as how not to take any
crap from anyone
which doesn't always sit
well with other people
And there they are, shopping
for a gift or something
he doesn't really mention
it when he tells the story
and they had been at this
particular mall for
the better part of four hours
store to store
around in circles
and he had already lost what
little patience he had left
after his older brothers,
sisters, and myself had "taught him" not to have any
patience
so finally
while she was off in some
part of some random, meaningless shop
looking at Gift Idea #2965
he grabbed something
(which he sincerely thought
would make a good gift
he didn't just grab something
at random like you might think)
and paid for it
and walked out of the store
without telling her
and stood waiting for her
right outside the store
of course, she comes out
with that glint in her eyes
(that particular ex-girlfriend
could get really mean
when she wanted to
which seemed pretty often)
and they got into it
in front of God and everybody
including a few "security
officers"
(whose security they're actually
guarding is
anyone's guess)
and they're really screaming
at each other
they're both asked to leave
(he drove, by the way)
so he shoves the gift at
her and left her there
Never saw her again or heard
from her
He can't even remember who
the gift was for
but lesson learned
and he honestly never will
shop with another woman
not even Mom
(for some reason, Dad just
laughs every time this story comes up).
Went to lunch with my sister
last week
(the middle one
she was in that all-girl
band back in high-school
she had such a crush on Steve
Perry)
One of the guys in her office
has been bragging about
stealing cable
such as getting the pay channels
for free
He seems to think it makes
him sound intelligent,
although, according to him,
it's so easy my sister's
four-year-old daughter
could do it
He yaks and yaks about the
great movie he saw last night
"Have YOU seen it?"
with that smirk that's just
begging to be punched
right off his face
meanwhile everyone else in
the office is
"Gee, we all saw that one
in the theater"
"Yeah, but *I* didn't have
to pay for it!"
and that damn smirk again
Now he's trying to solicit
some "side business"
asking people in the office
if they want
him
to come hook them up
he offers reasonable rates
but of course it is illegal
and all
Needless to say, he hasn't
been invited to the last three
office parties
which were nothing major
just someone's birthday
or when the guy who sits
by the window
had his 25th anniversary
with the company
the window-guy is pretty
nice
but the free-cable-jerk is
just annoying
and it's a damn good thing
he's not a
Jehovah's Witness
he'd probably get killed.
Remember when you and I went
to see her band play
at that run-down excuse for
a bar?
I still can't remember the
name of the place
but I recall the night like
it happened yesterday.
She was so nervous
never having performed in
front of people before
of course, by the time her
band went on there weren't many people
left in the bar
but that band still rocked.
What did they name the band?
Something truly bizarre like
Glo-Worm or
DayGlo or
something "illuminating"
like that.
And that guy kept offering
to buy you drinks
He was already pretty plowed
and thank god his buddies
or whoever they were
took him home
although even if he had been
allowed to drive
I doubt he would have managed
to find the parking lot
assuming that he would have
gotten out of the bar without
passing out.
But I have to give you credit
not only did you turn him
down every time
(which is good, because he
was "way creepy"
as my sis put it)
but you held your tongue,
too
and we didn't get kicked
out that time.
Too bad they didn't keep
that band going
they were good, but not enough
original material
too many God-forsaken Journey
covers
she was SO stuck on Steve
Perry.
I wonder
what ever happened to him?
Wow, how long have we known
each other?
I still remember when I met
you at work
your dad kept hassling you
to go work for him
I'm glad you didn't, though.
I can't even imagine working
for my own dad
let alone yours
Whenever I think of him,
the first thought that always comes to mind
is when he sat me down to
tell me about how he
caught you coming home drunk
one night
You and I were already good
friends, and the news came as no surprise
despite the fact that we
were only 19
and I didn't drink
but it was no big deal to
me
I knew you weren't going
to do anything stupid
like try to drive
or pick up some weirdo
(as if I'm not weird enough,
right?)
but for some reason, your
dad felt he could
confide in me or something,
I still don't know why he
felt it necessary to tell me.
And despite the fact that
we were really good friends
I had to suppress a very
strong urge to laugh
when he told me that he kept
you up all night
I've known a couple people
whose parents used that as
"punishment" for coming home
drunk
and I still think it's a
fantastic idea
because I'm sure you'll agree
with me on this one:
you will never forget that
night as long as you live,
and I will always smile thinking
about it, too.
But that's only because I
love you, you know.
I really should go call your
brother
he left a message on my machine
the other day
apparently he's looking for
a new job.
There's no way I'm going
to try to get him into my office,
but I did tell him I would
help with his resume.
There's just something about
him that rubs me the wrong way
He's not clingy or anything
like that
He's not rude
He's actually a pretty soft-spoken
guy
but we don't seem to agree
on a lot.
Remember that time that he
and I went computer shopping for you
to surprise you on your birthday
a few years back
and he insisted on listening
to that guy on the radio
He has that morning show
your brother is practically
fanatic about listening to it
takes every word the guy
says as gospel
"Oh, Billy Clinton has a
law in front of Congress
if it's passed, it will let
the government decide how many
children you are allowed
to have
and which sex they must be
and how many guns you can
own
and what kind of dog you
can buy
and what kind of car you
should drive.
The country has been sold
to the Japanese,
the Chinese,
the Russians,
the European bankers,
the United Nations,
the New World Order,
Bill Gates and Microsoft"
please
give me just a little tiny
break.
I'm at a baseball game a couple
weeks back
don't remember who was playing
but I went with one of the
guys from work,
my brother
(the one who won't shop with
women)
and his buddy from high school.
It was a lot of fun, especially
when
the guy I work with started
trying to
piss off
my brother and his friend
He would criticize the home
team
"Jesus H...look at that guy!
That 400-pound umpire could
run the bases
faster
than that idiot!"
Then the concession-guy came
around
so now he's going off about
the hot dogs
"man, if only you knew half
the stuff they put in those
the health department really
doesn't care what goes into those, you know
and the casing, you'd never
imagine what they use for a casing"
My brother took it all in
good fun
being the youngest of us
siblings, he was used to that kind of thing
his pal wasn't taking it
so well, however,
at one point I thought I
might have to break up a fight.
Probably the most exciting
baseball game I've ever been to.
Mom and Dad got into a big
argument last night
Mom called me when I got
home from my date.
It was nothing major
(neither the argument nor
the date)
but dad can really get worked
up sometimes
about the smallest things.
Thankfully,
after 34 years of wedded
bliss,
they both know when to walk
away from an argument and just cool off
so he went out to trim the
hedges.
We got him a gas-powered
trimmer for Christmas a few years back
that was the year my sister
moved out on her own.
The year before that, Dad
got pretty mad at one of the neighbors
his temper was much shorter
back then
(he seems to have gotten
much calmer since we've all moved out)
He went in the garage
grabbed his trimmers
(which were electric at the
time)
and started on the hedge.
He kind of over-did it
He usually keeps the hedges
the same height as the fence
in front of the house
(that's the fence that he,
me, and my younger brother built
behind the row of hedges
the summer my brother graduated
from high school
Mom was so thrilled)
Anyway, this time he trimmed
a little too short
and you could see about ten
inches of the fence over the hedge
To his credit, he didn't
lose his temper,
although when I saw the fence,
I went to a movie for a couple hours.
and speaking of arguments
I got into it with my uncle
last week
he's the one on mom's side
he has a
"thing"
for jelly
I swear the guy can't live
without it
toast, sandwiches, eggs,
steak,
and I'm a pretty open-minded
guy
I really don't care what
he does with his food
but don't sit too close
he has a habit of
"accidentally"
getting his jelly on your
plate
and unless you're fond of
broccoli cheese
and jelly
soup
I'd recommend not sitting
within arm's reach of him
When he's not eating, he's
fine
Retired a couple years back
so now he's got lots of free
time
he putters around
the house, the neighborhood,
whatever
He likes to shop, too
malls, clothes, "specialty
stores",
he does have a favorite kind
of store, though
Guess what kind?
The Jelly Emporium
or House of Jam
or something like that
I'm usually really busy with
other things
when he wants to take me
shopping with him