What happened to infomercials? I still remember the first one I ever saw, so many years ago. The product was one of those vegetable/fruit slicers, with changeable blades to make different types of cuts. It was demonstrated by this cook with a slight but unusual accent. But they're not what they used to be, that's for sure.
One of the two modern formats for the infomercial was popularized by the "Amazing Discoveries" series of infomercials. The whole production is in a studio, with a live audience, and they try to make the viewer believe that this is a regular show, not just a one-shot thirty minute commercial. But Amazing Discoveries actually did make return appearances, pushing everything from car finish to cleaning products. And those of us who saw the first few years of Amazing Discoveries quickly grew to love Mike, the lovable host with the all-too-colorful sweaters. It was an interesting format, because Mike would always introduce a "sub-host", the real person selling the product. In most of these early A.D., it was John, a short, hyperactive, suspender-clad gent of questionable English origin.
These men could certainly be considered the Abbott and Costello of the infomercial genre. They overacted their parts with a zeal usually reserved for dinner theater. It never seemed to matter what product John was selling, Mike never believed the claims that John would make. Who can forget the timeless "car on fire" episode? The product was some forgettable car polish/protectant sludge, and to prove how well it could protect a car, John would pour various substances on it, all having NO EFFECT ON THE FINISH OF THE CAR (John had to speak very loud to make these ludicrous claims)!!! Paint thinner, acid, coarse sand, blood, whatever, the car's finish still looked like it JUST CAME OFF THE SHOWROOM!!! But the crowning moment came when John pulled out that bottle of lighter fluid, and Mike's eyes grew as large as a pair of dinner plates. "John, what are you doing? That's lighter fluid!" Mike would needlessly exclaim. Apparently, Mike's contract called for him to verbalize everything that happened, presumably for the benefit of those vision-impaired viewers out there who couldn't actually see the action, but still owned cars that they might want to protect from those rampaging bands of short Englishmen scurrying through the neighborhoods of American suburbia, squirting random cars with DANGEROUS LIGHTER FLUID. One must be prepared in this day and age.
Mike's acting abilities showed no limits, however, as he still didn't believe that John would actually set the lighter fluid on fire. Mike never seemed to remember all the unbelievable things that John would do on all the previous Amazing Discoveries, all resulting in those wide eyes and shocked expression from Mike. The icing on the cake was when it became obvious that the fire wasn't harming the finish of the car (or the man's shirt wouldn't be ruined by soaking it in used motor oil, or the pasta maker really WAS as easy as it looked, whatever the infomercial called for), when John proved himself right...Mike would make some inane exclamation ("THE CAR'S FINISH LOOKS UNTOUCHED!") and the crowd would applaud as if they ever had any doubt. Then the camera would pan across the crowd, as the extras would pretend to exclaim to one another how amazing this product was. This set the standard for the infomercial.
But Amazing Discoveries was to be quickly copied. These others were just pale imitators, however, and no one could compare to the original. Now we have Ron Popeil jumping on the infomercial bandwagon, founder of the Popeil mega-company that seems to make just about everything, from the ever-popular pocket fisherman, to the best selling pasta maker, and the oft-ridiculed spray-on hair. Despite having many of the same elements of the Amazing Discoveries format, however, Ron somehow managed to drastically cheapen the whole experience. If Amazing Discoveries was the Cadillac of infomercials, then Ron Popeil's commercials were the guy in a dirty alley selling cars that you just knew were stolen; not necessarily an inferior product, but certainly a shady, almost weasel-like presentation. Not that it seems to matter, as Ron's products are some of the best-selling crap out there.
And alongside Ron's back alley deals, we have infomercials that don't even pretend anymore. These days, a lot of companies know they're not fooling anyone into thinking they're watching a normal program; they make no bones about presenting a half-hour commercial. Take the ever-present Eagle Eye sunglasses, for example. This product is a perfect example of the type-2 infomercial, the "no disguise commercial" format. And these things are pretty amazing in their own right. The people wearing them claim to be able to see "clearer...I don't have to squint any more!". The "scientist" that they get to talk about the physics involved tries to get us to believe that these sunglasses actually let MORE light into your eyes somehow. Excuse me? I'll admit, I'm no doctor, but I was pretty sure that with exposure to more light, your pupils would get smaller and smaller...how do these sunglasses prevent that from happening? What's even more amazing than that is how anyone on Earth would buy a product like sunglasses from a television commercial, without ever actually seeing how well they work. Throughout this half hour, we are shown a countless parade of people wearing these miracle sunglasses from another dimension that distort all laws of physics so you don't have to squint anymore. All these people are like robots, performing the exact same actions; they put on the glasses, look around, and marvel at how clear everything is, blah blah blah, and on to the next robot. Why is this going to make me buy them? Maybe I'm just too cynical, that must be it.
"Caveat emptor", that's all I have to say about this whole mess. "Let the buyer beware." And bring back Mike and Amazing Discoveries! I miss that guy. Maybe VH-1 will run one of their "whatever happened to" things on Mike and John. I'd watch that. Or maybe if they went on tour, that would be cool. "Amazing Discoveries ON TOUR and LIVE in your hometown!" Naturally they'd need an infomercial pushing the live show. They need a good opening act, though. Maybe they could tour with the WWF.
(copyright 1999 mdl)