Scene 12
Spike and Buffy head inside. Everyone is still in the living room. On the table is the Scattegories die, turned to ‘V’. We see the scorecards, with ‘vampire’ on the top of everyone’s list and then crossed out.
Buffy: “What are you guys still doing here? I thought I told you to take off.”
Xander: [guilty] “Uh, we were just watching some TV.”
Buffy: [incredulous] “TV?”
Anya: “Alex patched in the video from outside, so we could keep an eye on you guys.”
Xander: [Xander gives Anya an annoyed look.] “You know, in case something happened...and, uh...you needed our help.”
Buffy: “You were spying on us?”
Willow: “Not just you—he’s got Angel and Miranda on video 2.”
Tara: “Sorry, we couldn’t seem to pull our eyes away.”
Xander: “Like watching a train wreck.”
Anya: “Or free porn. We all put $5 in the ‘action’ pool—Xander had fighting, I had kissing and Dawn had hugging. Xander gave me 100:1 odds that if there was kissing it wouldn’t be you two.”
Buffy: “Guys, this isn’t reality TV—it’s my life. Our lives.”
Xander: “Yeah, but it’s your life and it’s on TV, so I think that pretty much qualifies it as ‘reality TV’—strictly speaking. [off her look] But it is so obviously wrong, that we’re ashamed of ourselves and it will never happen again. Right Willow?”
Willow: “Hey, it wasn’t my idea.”
Tara: “Actually...”
Willow: “So Duncan called and...”
Angel arrives at the door, carrying Miranda. Alex had informed them of what was going on via walky talky. Angel hits the barrier.
Angel: “Well?”
Miranda: “Promise no fighting?”
Angel: “Fine.”
Miranda: “Everyone heard that? [nods] Come in, Angel.”
He steps through the door and sets Miranda down on a chair—she looks spent.
Angel: “What did Duncan say?”
Willow: “Cordelia had a vision—about us.”
Just as she starts her next thought, Alex comes sliding down the banister of the stairs, look freaked out. They speak simultaneously.
Willow: “Trachys is on his way.” Alex: “Trachys is close—maybe 5-10 minutes.”
Willow: “[to Buffy] He’s an evil, very strong Immortal-type. Cordelia seemed to think that he’s after Duncan. And he’s bringing back-up.”
Miranda: “Why would he be coming for Duncan? I’m the easy target.”
Spike: [to Alex] “When did Trachys leave the day of the rumble?”
Alex: “Just after Miranda and Lucifer started fighting.”
Spike: “He probably assumes you lost.”
Miranda: [defensive] “Seems a bit rude for him to just assume that I’d get my ass kicked. I was doing really well there in the beginning, wasn’t I?”
Spike: [slightly uncomfortable] “Yeah, well, better than expected. It WAS Lucifer, love.”
Miranda: [frowning] “Fine.”
Alex: [getting freaked out] “But she’s not dead and she can’t fight him.”
Angel: “How far away is Duncan?”
Willow: “They’re about 20 miles outside of town and stuck at a train crossing—I’d say 45 minutes at least before they can get here.”
Alex: [pacing] “What are we going to do? Where can we go?”
Miranda: “Nowhere. If he’s this close, it’s not worth running. At least we’ve got familiar surroundings.”
Angel: “So we immobilize him when he gets here—between me and Buffy, we can take him down pretty easily.”
M & Alex: “No.”
Alex: “It’s against the rules.”
Angel: “I don’t really see how the rules are relevant if she’s dead.”
Miranda: “They do matter. However, there is some flexibility. You can stall him, certainly, and take away his back-up, but if he wants to fight, I have to fight. Besides, you shouldn’t underestimate him—he’ll do anything to get to me once he feels I’m here. Nobody is safe. [looking slightly panicked] Somebody help me out of this bloody dress.”
Spike hands a cigarette to Alex, because he looks so freaked. He takes it and starts puffing frantically.
Spike: “Hang on a minute. When he gets here, he’ll be surprised to find you alive. He’s likely to think that your battle with Lucy was just like any other Immortal battle, right?”
Angel: “Yeah, so?”
Spike: “So if you’re alive...”
Miranda: “He’ll think that I won. The thought of me channeling Lucifer should intimidate the hell out of him. No pun intended. On second thought, I’ll take the pun. [deflated] But once he sees me, he’ll know I haven’t had the Quickening.”
Pause while everyone thinks. Suddenly Xander stands up and points his finger.
Xander: “I got it. Man in Black. She can be the Man in Black.”
Buffy: “Willow, translation please?”
Xander: “THE MAN IN BLACK—you know, from The Princess Bride. Work with me, people. André the Giant, Shrieking eels, Rodents of Unusual Size, Prince Humperdink? [blank looks] You people obviously STUDIED in high school.”
Alex: “Inconceivable?”
Xander: [excited, he points at Alex] “Inconceivable!”
Miranda: “We’re familiar with the film, Xander, What’s your point?”
Xander: “Oh, right, so after they bring Westley, The Man in Black, back to life—well, he was only mostly dead—they went to the castle, but he was still all floppy and stuff. So they propped him up and made it look like he was perfectly healthy. So when the prince came to fight him, after many insults and lots of talk about pain, the prince surrendered thinking that Westley would kick his ass. So we dress you up and make you look like you won the fight against Lucifer and the evil scary guy will wet his pants and go running along home to his creepy minions. Do evil Immortals have minions? Well, whatever. You think you can talk the talk?”
Miranda: “Oh, I can talk the talk. I’ve been told I do a very convincing ‘crazy’ [glance to Angel] and so ‘evil’ shouldn’t be too much of a stretch. And maybe with a bit of chemical inducements, I can walk the walk. I think this is probably our best bet.”
Xander: “Ha! Misspent youth saves the day again. Now, if we only had a wheelbarrow. That would be something.” [Smiles to himself.]
Miranda: “Spike, can you get the white case from the medicine cabinet? [He nods and rushes off.] Now, I need help looking the part—I’m visualizing scanky-bitch-bride-of-Satan or something similar.”
Anya: “I can totally do that.”
Miranda: “Girls—upstairs for my makeover. Buffy, Angel—if they arrive before I’m ready, stall them any way you can. Alex, you keep a lookout for any of his people trying to sneak into the house.”
**
A few minutes later, Miranda comes back downstairs, supported on either side by Willow and Tara. They’ve given her severe Goth-like make-up, put black streaks in her hair and Willow has done a little spell to give her skin a lightly red tint. She’s wearing a tight black pleather top, but still has sweat pants on over her cast—Anya is carrying leather pants down the stairs for her to change into. They set her down in a chair and she plops the leg with the cast onto an ottoman so that it’s sticking straight out.
Miranda: “We need to cut off the cast.”
Tara: “Isn’t the cast kind of necessary for you to stand?”
Miranda: “I can’t fit the pants over the cast, and everyone knows that evil people wear leather pants.”
Willow: “Good point.”
She starts to work on the cast—it’s not plaster, and so is easier to remove.
Miranda: [wincing in pain] “Can someone find me a cigarette? [justifying] Evil people smoke—it’s a well known fact.”
Spike appears with a lit cigarette—he hands it to her and she responds with a nervous smile.
Spike: “You look...interesting.”
Anya: [defensive] “We didn’t have much to work with and there was no time for paper maché. I think she looks kind of scary—if you squint your eyes and pretend you’ve never seen a real demon.”
Spike: “Or she could be on her way to a Marilyn Manson concert. Which to me, is a bit more frightening.”
Miranda: “I thought there should be horns, but...”
Anya: [said with conviction] “Fake horns are insulting. [re-assuring] We’ll cut the lights on the porch—it’ll be fine.”
Spike: [with the ‘she’s crazy’ voice] “Okay. [to M] Here’s the drug box—what’s your pleasure?”
Before she can answer, Alex’ voice (out of breath) comes over the intercom.
Alex: “He’s just up the street. He’s got about 10 men with him. Angel and Buffy have gone to intercept. Hurry.”
Miranda: “Quick, the adrenaline.” [Spike looks through the vials and tosses her one, then hands her a needle. She fills the needle. Looking around to the others] “Don’t try this at home—professional on a closed course.”
She jabs the needle into the quad of the bad leg and winces in pain. The others help to pull off her sweats and put her pants on.
Spike: [disappointed] “Aw, you put your knickers back on.”
Miranda: [She can’t help but smile. To Spike.] “I love how one-track your mind is. [Quickly switching gears.] The adrenaline is going to give me about 10 minutes—after that, I may pass out cold. If it doesn’t work and I go down, I want you to take Trachys out before Duncan gets back. And just so we’re clear, I want you to take his head.”
Spike: [nods, frowning] “No worries. You ready for our big entrance?”
They can hear shouting and fighting just outside the door.
Miranda: [to Spike] “Here we go. Probably would be best if you got all bumpy before we head out.”
**
Switch scenes to outside the house. Trachys and his men are slowly pushing towards the house. Angel and Buffy would have more easily been able to take them out, except that they have guns—so Buffy has had to be careful and more defensive than usual. As they reach the porch and Trachys feels the presence of an Immortal, he puts his hand up to stop the fighting.
Trachys: [loudly] “It is no longer prudent for your people to interfere, Duncan. You risk disqualification, now that we are in proximity.”
Angel: “Duncan’s not inside.”
Trachys: [laughing] “I don’t know what you are or why this is your business, but it is pointless to lie. I can feel him. Only one Immortal in this region has such a powerful presence.”
Buffy: “Or maybe, your information is outdated.”
Miranda walks out of the house, arm-in-arm with vamped-out Spike (he’s covertly supporting her left side as she walks).
Miranda: “Duncan’s not here.”
Trachys: [visibly surprised] “Miranda? I thought you were...”
Miranda: “Dead? Now what would have given you that idea?”
Trachys: “I...uh...I didn’t think...”
Miranda: “That I could beat him? I am just a girl, after all. [laughs] With a few tricks...and a very, very nice little sword.”
Trachys: [Skeptical. He looks at Spike and then at Angel, who is now in game face as well, then back at Miranda.] “So where’s the sword now?”
Miranda: [Crap—why did I bring that up? She had thought, briefly, about trying to disguise one of hers to look like it, but there was no time.] “We made a deal, ol’ Lucy and I. I beat him, fair and square, but he didn’t die like any other Immortal—not completely anyway. You see, most of his essence was still tied into another realm. But, he’s a fair man, so he offered to give me all the power I could handle—the sum of what he’d been able to manifest with the help of his priests on that day—in exchange for the sword. That way, he’s got the power down below, and I’ve got the power here to do his will—it’s win-win.”
Trachys: [thinks about it for a minute] “Nice story, little angel, but do you really think you can fool me with Halloween make-up? I mean, honestly, what are these guys supposed to be—vampires? Please.”
Miranda: “Spike, would you care to show my good friend here, what you can do with your Halloween make-up?”
Spike gives her a look and then takes a step away from her—he looks relieved that she’s still standing. But before he leaves the porch, Angel grabs one of Trachys’ men.
Angel: “I’m closer—and hungrier.”
He chomps on the guy’s neck and then tosses him so that he lands at Trachys’ feet.
Miranda gives Angel a fleeting smile. Spike looks a little disappointed.
Trachys: [coolly assessing the situation, kicking his ‘man’ over on his back, so that he can see the bite marks.] “One more thing.” [Miranda’s hand is starting to shake. She quickly wraps it around the handle of her sword.] “If you’re so powerful now, why stand there telling me instead of taking my head? You don’t seem overly anxious to fight. Maybe it’s all a bluff.”
Miranda: “But don’t you see? We’re on the same side now, inasmuch as there are sides in our little game. There’s still so much fighting to be done—why not spread the burden? Better to be you and me in the final battle than bloody Duncan or Samuel—least that’s what He says. Besides, you’ve done well, but you’re hardly worth killing now. Much better strategy to let you rack up some more points before taking you down. [sigh] I rather had my heart set on Duncan for today, but I could conceivably be persuaded otherwise. I do hate to wait.”
She rights her sword and takes a step forward, threateningly.
Trachys: [now uncomfortable] “No, no. By all means, save your energy for Duncan. Until next time.”
He signals for his men to leave. Frowning, he quickly heads off. It takes a while for them to be out of sight, so Miranda signals to Spike to come help her (covertly), while she summons all the energy she has to keep standing. After a moment, she goes limp.
Miranda: “And I’m spent.”
Xander comes out onto the porch.
Xander: “Hey, it worked! I would’ve thrown in a few more threatening comments about pain and torture, but whatever.”
Miranda smiles at him.
Spike: [to Xander] “I suppose you’re only mostly useless.”
They all go inside. Miranda’s eyes are fluttering.
Miranda: “Can someone get me some coffee? Maybe with a bit of whiskey?”
Alex appears with the coffee and hands it to Miranda. She takes a few sips and uncharacteristically, Alex sticks around. After a couple of minutes.
Alex: [Sheepish, sad. He takes a deep breath before saying.] “I...I should take off.”
Miranda: “What?”
Alex: “Now that Trachys’ watcher knows you’re here, They’ll know I’m here and...you know. I should run, or something. I’m better at hiding, but I should probably run first and then hide.”
Buffy: “Who are you, anyway?”
Alex: [in a small voice, pointing to Miranda] “I watch her.”
Miranda: “He’s only supposed to watch, but he helped me—he saved my life. They’ll punish him for that.”
Alex: “That’s the best case scenario. It’s an ancient rule I’ve broken—a sacred vow. Who am I kidding, I deserve whatever they decide. I’m a complete failure.”
Miranda: “I’ll have none of that attitude in this house, young man. I hereby banish the word ‘deserve’ from these premises.”
Dawn: “Can’t we do anything? Talk to them?”
Alex lets out a nervous laugh.
Spike: “I’m thinking ‘no’.”
Miranda: [to Alex] “Do you want to leave?”
Alex: [Upset by the idea that she might think he wants to.] “No...I’d never want to leave. I’ve never done anything else.”
Spike: [to Miranda] “Maybe you could hire him—to work in the shop or something.”
Alex: “I’m not very good with people.”
Spike: “Oh, I was thinking more security, inventory—behind the scenes stuff.”
Miranda: “I think Alex’s skills could come in handy on any number of projects. Still, we have the problem of his previous employer.”
Aside: Buffy says to Angel, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”. They disappear into another room.
Alex: “I should go. It’s dangerous—they’re pretty focused and not very nice. I wouldn’t want anyone to...”
Miranda: “I’ve got an idea.”
Just then, there’s a voice on a megaphone from outside.
Voice (female): “We’ve got the house surrounded and secured. There’s no chance of running. Please send the watcher, Alex, outside to us and no one will get hurt.”
A whimper from Alex.
Miranda: [whisper to Spike] “Carry me to the door. [He does. She opens the door a crack and shouts.] “What do you want with him?”
Voice: “Miranda. We do not wish to inconvenience you in any way. Please, do not trouble yourself to protect him, for such things are beneath an Immortal such as yourself. Send him out and we’ll be on our way.”
Miranda: “Tell me why.”
Voice: “As you wish. He is defective and we will, of course, replace him immediately. In all likelihood, he will only need reprogramming.”
Miranda: “Yeah, that may be a problem. Hang on a minute.” [She closes the door.]
Spike: “They’re talking about him like he’s a bloody computer.”
Willow: “’reprogramming’ just isn’t a word that should be used in reference to anything that breathes [noticing Spike] or eats. Creepy.”
Miranda: “Alex, I think I may have a way around this—you up for giving it a go?”
Alex: [gulp] “Sure.”
Miranda: “Spike, bite him.”
Alex: [nervous] “What?”
Spike: [getting it] “They won’t take him if they think he’s already dead.”
Tara: [confused] “And how is him being dead better?”
Miranda: “Spike won’t actually kill him—just give him a big vampire hickey and take enough blood to make him pass out. These watchers don’t know squat about how this vampire stuff works. Spike, take Alex downstairs and come back up when you’re done. Everyone else, go hide somewhere. This whole hanging with the undead sure has its advantages. It’s like having a re-usable ‘get out of jail free’ card.”
Alex: [looking nervously at Spike] “Reprogramming isn’t sounding so bad now.”
Spike: [grinning, looking a bit too enthusiastic] “Don’t worry, mate. It’ll only hurt for a minute.”
They go downstairs. Miranda hobbles to the door and opens it.
Miranda: [acting a bit sheepish] “Um, I think we need to have a bit of a chat. I’m afraid there’s been an...er...accident.”
The woman who was talking cautiously comes forward, followed by two big body-guard looking guys. Miranda summons them inside, indicating that she needs to sit down.
Woman: “Where’s Alex? There’s no sense in hiding him—we know he’s here.”
Miranda: “Yeah, that’s the thing. He’s sort of here, but I don’t think you’ll be interested in any reprogramming once you see him.”
Woman: [coldly] “Reprogramming is only one of our options.”
Just then, Spike returns from the basement.
Miranda: “This is my partner, Spike. These are...er...Watcher people. [Spike just stands next to Miranda’s chair and nods] The thing is, Spike is a vampire. Show them your teeth, love. [He does and they all start to look very nervous] Oh, not to worry, he’s not going to hurt any of you—he doesn’t bite people. Well, he usually doesn’t bite people. This is where things get a bit messy. See, we have been harboring little Alex—sweet boy, really. He did save my life, as you know, and so I felt a certain obligation. But, as fate may have it, my lover here got a bit peckish in the middle of the night last night and just couldn’t resist. It’s worse than giving up cigarettes, apparently. I intervened just in time, so he didn’t exactly kill him.”
Woman: [gulp] “Not exactly?”
Miranda: “He’ll wake up in a few hours. As a vampire. Listen, I’m dreadfully sorry about all this. If there’s anything I can do. [beat] Within reason.”
Woman: [skeptical] “I’d like to see him. I’ll need to take some pictures for our records.”
Miranda: “Of course. He’s in the basement.”
They go downstairs and find Alex laying on the bed, bite wound prominently displayed. The woman pulls out a camera and takes a few shots.
Woman: “Well. I have to say, this is absolutely unheard of. I will have to consult with my superiors to see if any action is necessary. For now, we’ll take our leave of you. Sorry for any inconvenience we may have caused.” [She bows her head, respectfully.]
Miranda: [overly pleasant] “No, I’m the one who should apologize. Just one more thought, before you go. You may want to instruct any future watchers assigned to me, to keep their distance, at least for the time being. We wouldn’t want any more unfortunate accidents now, would we?”
Woman: “I’ll be sure to mention it.”
They leave. Miranda slaps a bandage on Alex’s neck and then collapses on the bed, next to him.
Miranda: “This has got to be one of the longest days of my entire life.”
Spike: “Yeah. We’ve had a lot of those.” [He flops down next to her, so now all three of them are on the bed.]
In a short while, Buffy comes downstairs. She says that they’re all heading back to her place. She’s also convinced Angel to leave with Duncan and Cordy when they get back—that he’s agreed to look the other way for now. She goes on to say that as the slayer, she can’t take the risk of letting them stay in town—any slip-up would be her responsibility and she’s not ready to have that hanging over her head. Plus, them leaving town was part of the bargain she struck with Angel to get him to leave. They can have time for Miranda to recover and to make arrangements, but Spike is pretty much under house arrest until they leave—if she finds him out and about, she’ll kill him. Here end-eth the lesson. Ahem. After she’s gone.
Miranda: [sleepily] “You get all that?” [yawn]
Spike: “New York, here we come.”
Miranda: “I’ll make some calls in the morning.”
Spike: “I don’t think Cat is going to like snow very much.”
[pause]
Miranda: “No offence, but...I still can’t stop myself from feeling that Buffy’s kind of a bitch.”
Spike: “Yeah. But she’s cute—in a predictably angry and close-minded sort of way.”
Miranda: “I guess.”