Recurring Goons characters appearing on this record:
Peter Sellers:
Bluebottle
Major Dennis Bloodnok
Hercules Grytpype-Thynne
William 'Mate' Cobblers
Babu Banerjee
Hern (American Announcer)
Lew (in the fading out of Rhymes)
Mr. Henry Crun notably absent
Spike Milligan:
The Famous 'Mad Dan' Eccles
Little Jim
Miss Minnie Bannister
Count Jim 'Thighs' Moriarty
Jim / Adolphus Spriggs
Throat
Yakamoto
Mr. Lalkaka
Harry Secombe:
Neddie Seagoon
[orchestral intro]
Tenor: There's a song that I recall
My mother sang to me.
Spriggs [off]: Oh! [a sigh]
Tenor: She sang it as she tucked me in
When I was ninety-three.
[harp plays a rising chord...]
Spriggs: Hi diddle, hi. Who was that bum?
Bluebottle & Spriggs:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong [Bluebottle drops behind]
Ying tong iddle I po.
Spriggs: Keep up, lad. Keep.
Bluebottle: Keep up, lad up.
Both: Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po-
Spriggs: -lad,
Both: Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po [lad],
Iddle I po [lad].
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong (Spriggs: iddle) (Bluebottle: ying tong)
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong iddle-
Bluebottle [spoken]:
Ying tong iddle I po!
[short raspberry]
Both: Oh!
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Iddle I po!
[trumpet bit]
Bluebottle: Ying. Ying tongy tongy.
Ying tong iddle I po.
Ying tong iddle I po.
(Seagoon: What a lovely, lovely boy!)
Ying, ying, ying tongy tongy.
(Milligan: Get out the rifle, sir.)
Yeeeng.
Ying tong ying tong d'gy-n'o.
Ying tong d'ga.
(Seagoon: Get away.)
D'g d'g d'ga.
Ying tong iddle I po.
Seagoon: Hear that crazy rhythm,
Driving me insane.
Strike your partner on the bonce. [thump]
Eccles: Ooh. I felt no pain. [Seagoon screeches]
Seagoon, Bluebottle & Eccles:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying...
[harp chord rises]
Soprano: Take me back to Vienna...
[raspberry section]
Bloodnok: Ohhh!
Eccles: Oh!
[harp chord]
Soprano: Take me back to Vienna, where the... [crash]
Spriggs & Bluebottle [far off]:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po.
[mad dash to foreground]
Spriggs & Bluebottle: Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
(Spriggs: Where's Seagoon, lad?)
(Bluebottle: I don't know.)
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po.
Seagoon: Left, right!
[mad dash to distance]
Spriggs & Bluebottle [hastily]:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po.
[dash to foreground]
Ying tong...
[whine of bomb dropping, explosion]
Double speed, but same tempo, Goons:
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Iddle I po.
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Iddle I po.
One: Ying! Tongy tongy tongy.
Yiddy diddy diddy da daaa, ying diddy.
Ying tong diddle, yiddada boo.
[rhythmic tap-dancing, raspberry]
All: Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle,
Ying tong iddle I po,
Ying tong ying tong
Ying tong iddle I po,
Iddle I po.
One: Ohwooh!
Chorus: Wiry Twerp, Wiry Twerp, long may his memories remain,
(dum-dum-dum)
Tall in the saddle and low in the ground,
That was old Wiry Twerp.
Twerp [to horse]: Whoa, whoa there, whoa!
Well folks - I'm a aimin' to sing.
[sings] I love you,
Oh yes I do,
I love your brother,
Your dear old sister, Sue. (Sister!) (Coming!)
I love your pa,
[violin string snaps] (Ahhh!)
And you dear cousin Hugh,
But most of all, my darling,
I love your brother.
[some nonsense] (Everybody dance!)
Chorus: He loves you, [yodel]
Oh, yes, he do, [yodel again]
He loves your brother, (My brother!)
Your dear old sister, Flo. (Ohhh!)
Twerp: I love your pa, (Your pa!)
And your dear cousin Hugh... Lou,
But most of all, my darling,
I (He) love(s) your brother.
I do love you.
I do- I do... I do. [hiccup]
(Sellers) Friends, pick up that bottle you will finding standing in the
centre of your dining room table.
(Secombe) Now, examine it carefully and read what it says in the very small
print on the back of the label.
(Sellers) Note, that its contents are invaluable for pea soup, falling ears,
irritation of the nurglers, exterminating socks and preserving
eggs.
(Milligan) And that doctors strongly recommend it as a cure for the Lurgi,
the onset of the nadgers, spots before the ankles, soft shoulders,
pink toenail and acute amounting on the legs. So ee-aw-ahoo, ow!
If you're feeling pimply and your knees are turning blue,
Don't be nervous simply, try Eeh! Ah! Oh! Oh! Ooh!
Practice every morning and you'll find that you,
Almost without warning will be Eeh! Oh! Ah! Oh! Ooh!
(Secombe) Combat, cure infection with this latest thing,
Follow the directions and PING!
(Milligan) Now the nights are colder, you'll find what to do,
Write on the folder: Just Eeh! Ah! Oh! Ooh!
(Sellers) When the plin affects you, or you got the flu,
You find what protects you is Eeh! Ah! Nicky! Noo!
Better than the whisky, brandy gin or glue,
Makes your liver frisky does Eeh! Or! Ah! Noo!
(Milligan (Eccles)) And for making company or ??????????
Try some in your coffee, and ya ha ha ha hur.
(Secombe) So if you get heated, don't get in a spin,
Hold your breath, be seated and Eeh! Ah! Oh! Ooh!
(All) So when your at a funeral, and the rent is due,
Just a tiny spoonful will do,
And Oh! Ah! Arg! Oh! Glug! Arg! Arc! Arg!
[disgusting donkey noises]
(Sellers (Bloodnok)) Oh- Oh, that's better!
Seagoon: Company shun! Shoulder high! By the right, number!
Various: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen,
Sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine,
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one,
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen- [bang]
Bloodnok: You've got to rock and roll in a roll call way,
You've got to march with a Marilyn Monroe sway,
You've got to rock and roll with your old kit bag,
But you mustn't ever mention her name in the mess,
And if you want to know the title of this number,
It's a Major Dennis Bloodnok Rock'n'Roll Call rumba.
Left, left, left, right, left,
Quick, slow, quick, quick, slow,
In, out, in, in, out,
Pick up your gun, shove a bullet up the spout,
It's the dance they do from Madras to Pango-Pango, (??)
It's a Major Dennis Bloodnok Rock'n'Roll Call tango.
Coy, dum diddle, blow de ho,
Bombay didde bowl of char,
Um diddle, ay dum diddle-
Minnie: Stop! Stop! Stop that sinful naughty record-type music. Stop it I say! Oh! Stop it!
Bloodnok: Oh! Foddle me puckies and cyril me topie! (??)
Why, do my beady old eyes deceive me, or is it?
No, no - it can't be. But yes! It is!
It's me old childhood sweetheart, Spotty Minnie Bannister -
the darling of Roper's Light Horse.
Bless my soul, madam, what are you doing here?
Nothing catching I hope?
Minnie: I just came to put my bag full of money in the bank.
Bloodnok: Money? Money? Oh!!! Neddie, take Miss Bannister in a steaming love dance while I check her properties. One, two, three, four...
Secombe: Gents to the left, ladies to the right.
All join hands - panic.
[some nonsense singing by Minnie]
Bloodnok: Oh, bravado, bravado. What a voice! (What a bank balance!) I beg you, you gorgeous wanton. Give me some small token of your love and I'll sing you a non-military melody.
Minnie: Oh!
Bloodnok: Music, maestro Plonk. (Throat: Right, mate.)
You've got to rock'n'roll in a monetary manner,
If you want to earn a necessary tanner,
Take your pick while the picking's good,
If you don't pick right, things will never get better,
When I hear the chink of money that is good news,
It drives away the Bloodnok Rock'n'Roll Call blues.
So let there be, always some cash for me,
Bloodnok & Minnie: That will be mine, all mine!
Bloodnok: Send two and six for a copy of this record.
Eccles: Oooohh! Who stuck that needle in my nut?
[music starts]
Spriggs [warming up]:
(Thank you, yes. Very good. Thank you, maestro, I think I have it
now.)
[sings] Life is...
(Sorry, I'll start again.)
Life is full of modern-type misfortune,
Full of strife and woe and grief by fright,
But even though you come upon misfortune,
There's one thing that will save you in the end,
When life is not all grief-free and lovely...
Seagoon: (Thank you, thank you.)
When you're drowning in the waters of a shark-infested bay,
Give a little [whistle] and whistle your cares away,
When your standing on the gallows at the dreaded break of day,
Give a little [whistle] and whistle your cares away.
Eccles: Your beauty is a rhapsody, classic melody,
Hiding all refrain from most experienced regency. (??)
Seagoon: If you're tied up to the railroad
and the train is on its way,
Give a little [whistle] and whistle your cares away.
Bluebottle: There, are lots of dangers for a wolf cub,
Living in a dreaded London town,
But your life will not be half so dreary,
If you do not let them get you down.
So listen to my plea, for the price of one and three...
Oh, thank you- [splash]
Little Jim: He has fallen in the water-
Seagoon: ...of a shark infested bay,
Give a little HELP!
Eccles: ...and whistle your cares away!
Minnie: Henry! Henry! Henry! [dog barking and car horn sounding]
Seagoon: If you're tied up to the railroad
and the train is on its way,
Just give a little [TOOT! TOOT!] and whistle your cares away.
[train noises]
Eccles: Oh!
Moriarty: Oh, oh! Let me out - my only crime is eating.
Seagoon: Don't worry - I'll give the screws a song.
The warden wouldn't mind.
Bloodnok: No - he's doing bird as well. Maestro!
Eccles: Take your partners for the ball and chain one step.
One, two, three...
Bloodnok: May I have this dance, warden? You can hold my ball. (Oh! Ahhh!)
Seagoon: In a little prison where I'm locked in,
There's a most peculiar fellow. (Spriggs: Ah-huh!)
His name is Eccles and he's is in cell nine,
And his voice is soft and mellow. (Spriggs: Ah-huh!)
He keeps a fruit cart in his cell,
And all the convicts knows it. (Spriggs [higher]: Ah-huh!)
He doesn't sing or rave about his fruit,
He simply blows it...
[raspberries]
Bloodnok: He's doing it all night long.
[raspberries]
Seagoon: It's better than any song.
(Bloodnok: No...)
Moriarty: Though it isn't very pretty...
Seagoon: You've got to admit it's cute.
(Bloodnok: Never, never!)
Seagoon: So all together let it go - [raspberries]
Eat more fruit.
[raspberries]
Bloodnok: Don't tell me he's come to stay!
[raspberries]
Seagoon: Let the wardens here him say -
Eccles: Ayyy!
Seagoon: Fruit's in season! Let's be merry!
Apples, plums and the old raspberry!
[raspberries]
Seagoon: Everything is fresh today.
(Bloodnok: Don't let him get near me, please!)
[raspberry] (Oh!)
[raspberry] (Ahhh!)
Seagoon: Every Friday night when work is done,
He never wastes a minute. (Spriggs: Ah-huh!)
To the prison warden he hurries round,
Where he sings just like a lillet. (Spriggs: Ah-huh!)
To hear him blow a melody,
It's great, you can't deny it.
And if you've nothing else to do,
We'd like the screws to try it.
(Bloodnok: No more, please!)
[raspberries]
Seagoon: Get ready and do it now.
[raspberries]
Eccles: It's easy when you know how.
Bloodnok: God knows, it isn't very pretty.
Seagoon: You've got to admit it's cute.
Bloodnok: Well...
Seagoon: So all together, let it go - [raspberries]
Eat more fruit.
[raspberries]
Bloodnok: There isn't a cure, they say!
[raspberries]
Seagoon: Let the screws all hear him say -
Eccles: Ayyy! Don't eat farm laid, for a - wow! (??)
[raspberries]
Seagoon: Everything is fresh today.
Bluebottle [speaks]: Hello everybody, remember me, Bluebottle?
I'm fourteen now and I have got boils.
[sings] I don't look very pretty,
I'm wearing my new brown suit.
The only trouble with it is,
When I go outside I'm struck by fruit! [splat] Ow!
[raspberries]
Bloodnok: Don't point him at him I say!
[raspberries]
Seagoon: It's a treat to hear him play...
Bloodnok: Ayyy!
Seagoon: Fruit's in season, plums and berries,
Apples, pears and the old raspberry.
[raspberries]
All: Everything is fresh today!
(Bloodnok: Somebody open the window, please!)
[big musical introduction]
[sound of door opening, and Bluebottle (B) runs up to microphone, where the
Secombe (S) is waiting]
B: Oh! Hello everybody! [boos, raspberries]
S: Just the lad I've been looking for!
B: Oh!
S: [sings]
Clamber on my head... Fred.
Whence all but you have fled... Fred.
There is no contesting,
I've no way of manifesting,
How much I'd prefer you dead... Fred.
B: Oh I'm glad you like me, my Captain
Because I trust you too.
S: Gratify your whim... Jim.
B: Jim? What happened to Fred?
S: He changed his name.
B: What to?
S: Chunky.
Tell me, can you swim... Jim?
B: No, Jim can not swim.
S: Then step upon this plank, son,
On the river bank, son,
Which I have carefully arranged so that it will suddenly tip up and
throw you into thirty feet of muddy water when you upset the trim by
stepping on the rim... Jim.
B: I say, it's not for deading me, is it Captain?
S: Of course not, dear boy! Just walk along it a bit further!
B: Righty-ho then. Ahhh. Here I am on the edge of the nice little
wooden-type plank. It is a lovely day for a naughty plank-walk.
[SPLASH!] Arg! Oh!
YAHHH! You've drowneded me.
I do not like this game.
[sings]
I've got those
'When I say I trust you I don't want to be drowneded
'Cos I do not like that kind of game' blues.
I don't like naughty tricks that go sploodgy-splat.
(They say harm can come to young lads like that.)
And I do not like explosions that blow me back for Christmas,
Out of my el-seaside-type pudding shoes. (??)
I don't like being wetted by nasty April showers,
And I do not like being nutted by Eiffel and Blackpool towers.
So I do not want to be drowned, nutted, deaded, hitted, splatted,
Because I don't like that kind of type blues -
I don't like that...
I've got them Bluebottle Blues.
S: Still alive?
Take this cigarette... pet.
B: Ooh, ta.
S: No, don't light it yet... pet.
[off] All right! Now you can light it!
B: Are you sure I won't be deaded or nothing, Captain?
S: [off] No, no - don't be frightened!
B: All right then, I'll just put a match to it, and... [BOOOM]
[over explosion]
You rotten swine, you! You've deaded me again.
I shan't play this rotten game no more.
Picks up fractured kneecaps, replaces lugging lug hole,
And exits through little hole in middle of record.
[sound of Bluebottle doing same]
[heavy boots approaching microphone]
Spriggs, unaccompanied: I'm walking backwards for Christmas-
Oh no, that's on the other side, isn't it?
Singer: There were two Russian lovers
Walking hand in hand,
On the banks of a river
In a snow covered land.
A boy and a girl, with starlight in their eyes,
They kiss and caress, as he tenderly sighs...
Russian: Oh! Oh! Oh! Comrade! All right, comrade, that's enough!
We meet each night by the silvery light,
Of our dear old-fashioned Russian satellite moon.
It shines so bright - turns Americans white,
At the sight of our dear old Russian satellite moon.
British voice: And over here in England, I saw it over my flat,
I ran into the cellar, and put on an old ARP hat.
Russian: Come, don't be silly!
Comrades! Just dance and jive, while we're all still alive!
By the light of our glorious Russian satellite moon!
American: Gentleman!
Minnie: Look up in the skies - I can't believe my eyes!
It's a dear old-fashioned Russian satellite moon!
Eccles: What, what, where?
Hand me get my gun - we're going to have some fun! [bang]
Oh, I missed that naughty Russian satellite moon. [police whistle]
Constable Mate: I've got to run you in there, for no illegal reason,
Shooting at Russian moons, when they're out of season.
Spriggs: Stand aside - my reply to that is this rocket-driven hat,
England's answer to that Russian satellite moon.
American 1 (Hern): The President, gentleman, the President of the
har-har-har har-har-har-har.
American 2: There's a Russian satellite moon over Arkansas, Mr.
President.
President: Thank heaven it is not over America.
Don't worry, we are prepared for this. Mr. Presley -
let 'em have it!
Elvis: Now listen here! I'll make it clear!
Just what we intend to do...
I'm gonna rock around that Russian satellite moon,
I'm gonna rock around that Russian satellite moon.
[nonsense, fades]
Russian: That's right, comrade Elvis.
Go on, shake your hips, while we listen to the blips,
Of our glorious Russian satellite moon.
[various strange words getting faster until the Russian explodes]
Seagoon: I'm going to hold a rhyming competition,
To prove that England is the greatest still,
But if I don't like the rhyme that you have written,
I reserve the right, the poet for to kill!
Thynne: This could mean the big time!
Have you heard of this man Moriarty,
Who's never appeared with Russell Harty?
Moriarty: The reason is this - I'd been out on the- [bang] Ahhh!
All: That was a terrible rhyme,
Who's the next victim? You...
Bloodnok: A nobleman from old Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Though she was a real stunner, she married a gunner,
With chancres and haemophilia!
All: That was a wonderful rhyme, sing us another one, do!
Moriarty: The reason is this - I'd been out on the- [bang] Ahhh!
Bloodnok: Right in the old Niagaras.
Bluebottle: There was a young lady of Tottenham,
Who had no manners or had forgotten 'em,
At tea at the vicar's, she ripped off her knickers,
Because she said she felt hot in them.
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Minnie: Why aren't I in this recording?
Eccles: There was a young man of Trilee,
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp,
When asked, 'Did it hurt?' he replied, not at all,
It can't... oh!
All: That was an unfinished rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Rough: Morning hard on the nurdle,
In how many birds on the burdle,
The old fargon goo, he done riden the blue,
And he grundled the gwerds and the gwerdle... ahhh!
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Yakamoto: There was a young man from Yokohama,
Who married a girl from Kawmow, (??)
On honeymoon night, bed catch alight,
So he get up and put on pyjamas.
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
German: There was a young Nazi from Berlin,
Fought for Hitler in hopes that he would win,
Now he cleans all the shoes of the Golder's Green Jews,
Boy, have they got it in for him!
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Banerjee: There was a young man called Ghandi.
Lalkaka: Ghandi is right.
Banerjee: Who went into a bar for a shandy.
Lalkaka: You are right, absolutely.
Banerjee: With his great loincloth, he wiped off the froth,
And the barman said, 'Blimey, that's handy.'
Lalkaka: That is so funny!
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Eccles: Well, that's the end of that.
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Bloodnok: Look, I have several others rhymes unsung.
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Minnie: Stop! Stop! Stop!
All: That was a jolly good rhyme, sing us another one, do.
Eccles: Just a minute, they're fading us out!
Bloodnok: They're fading us out!
[various fading out complaints]
Moriarty: The reason is this - I was out on the- [explosion]
Spriggs: I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea.
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the only thing for me.
I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at me,
And say it's a publicity stunt.
So I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you.
An immigrant lad, loved an Irish colleen,
From Dublin's Galway Bay.
He longed for her arms,
But she spurned his charms,
And sailed o'er the foam away.
She left the lad by himself, on his own,
Alone and sorrowing...
And sadly he dreamed,
Or at least, that's the way it seemed, buddy,
That an angel choir to him,
An angel choir to him did sing:
[eerily]
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
Across the Irish Sea.
I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
It's the finest thing for me.
[normal]
And so I've tried walking sideways,
And walking to the front,
But people just look at me and say,
'It's a publicity stunt.'
So I'm walking backwards for Christmas,
To prove that I love you.
Thank you. And for an encore...
Bluebottle: 'Ere - I didn't think much of that.
I think that my side was better.
Spriggs: Get that child out of here!
[sound of Bluebottle getting kicked out of room]