1) "Howzat?" asks the bowler at a village match as he manages
to hit the padded front leg of the full-of-himself visiting
cricket celebrity.
"Out!" says the umpire.
Visiting celeb is fuming as he stalks off past the umpire.
"That wasn't out!" he hissed. "You just weren't paying
attention."
"You're half right", said the umpire. "You *weren't* out, but
I *was* paying attention."


In one game, one of our bowlers got one to cut back and hit the batsman on the
thigh, a roar of Howzat went up from the bowler, whence came the reply from the
batsman "f'ing painful".

2) When England Captain George Mann hit South African left arm
spinner for six during a John Arlott commentary, the peerless
one described it as "Mann's inhumanity to Mann."

3) Some silly pace bowler who shall be nameless was so chuffed
after bowling two balls in succession to Viv Richards that
passed the Great One untouched, that he made the mistake of
giving the master a description of the ball. "See," he said,
"it's round and red and just this size."
Viv walked down the wicket to the next delivery and sent it
out of the ground. Then he turned to the bowler and said:
"Since you know what it's like, you go look for it."


4)Charles Kortright of Essex (the Demon Bowler) had W.G.
caught at slip off his bowling, but the latter refused to go,
claiming it was a bump ball. With his next delivery, Kortright
flattened two of the Doctor's stumps. As Grace set off for the
pavilion, Kortright called after him: "Why are you going?
There's still one stump standing."


5) "Howzat?" the bowler appealed for LBW
"Not Out" said the home umpire.
The batsman snicked the next ball and was caught by the
keeper.
"Howzat?"
"Not out" was the reply.
The third ball sent all three stumps and bails flying.
The bowler turned to the umpire with satisfaction and
exclaimed: "Bloody well nearly got him that time though."

One told to me by Steve Perryman .... they had just had a good stuffing from
Yorkshire and they were feeling pretty sorry for themselves while they towelled
down after a shower when in came a bearded old bloke with a cricket book in 
hand ....  "Mr. Brown, I'm a Yorkshire Count-ry-member", to which David 
Brown replied, "yeah, I remember" and all the Warwickshire players fell 
about laughing, with the old bloke still trying to figure it out, got his 
book autographed and went away shaking his head.

Tony Buss of Sussex took a wicket with his second ball in County Cricket
when he bowled WE Jones of Glamorgan on 30 July 1958. Jones thus became
the first county cricketer to miss A. Buss. The first player to catch A.
Buss was RL Jowett of Oxford University: A. Buss c Jowett b Raybould 15.
His brother Mike Buss also played for Sussex, which was typical. After
having no Busses for 80 years in the Sussex side, suddenly two came
along at once.

Then there is the Tony Buss - Chris Balderstone story that I posted "a
few years ago" :-)

1) An anonymous pommy comentator once said of curtly ambrose:
"You can tell he's a great fast bowler because he's got two fine legs and
his balls are swinging both ways..."

2)In the test match between Aus and RSA at the SCG in 1994-95? Steve Waugh
was preparing to bowl in damp conditions...while marking his run up he
threw the ball to Shane Warne and asked him to dry it...Warney pulled out
the hankey and attacked the ball in every conceivable place that water
might hide...threw the ball back to Waugh...Waugh then proceeded to bowl a
high full toss that sailed over the upright standing batters head and
reached keeper Ian Healy on the full at throat height...Waugh went back to
his mark and on the way past Warney mad the comment..."Thanks Warney, what
did you do? Dry it under a tap?..."

3)When the Windies were on tour to England (many moons ago coz Joel Garner
was in the team) they were in a local watering hole one night when a fine
looking young english lass strolled over to Joel "Big Bird" Garner and mad
the comment:

"My-my...what big arms and legs you have...is the rest of you in
proportion?"

The reply:

"Lady, I'm 6 feet 10 inches tall...if the rest of me was in proportion i'd
be 10 feet 6 inches tall"

4)In an australian domestic one-dayer, Wayne "Cracker" Holdsworth, who is
not noted for his batting in the New South Wales team, strolled out to the
crease and proceeded to do something no-one ever imagined
possible...slammed all bowlers to all parts of the ground and beyond
taking an unbeaten 49 off an amazing 17 deliveries...upon his return to
the dressing room he recieved congratulations from all team mates bar
one...Mark Waugh...who simply said:

"You'd make a great all-rounder Cracker, if you could bowl..."


St Peter stands outside the gates of Heaven.  There is a long line of nuns
waiting to be admitted into Heaven (a church blew up on earth).  St. Peter
addresses the nuns and says:

"I know that all of you have been faithful servants of our Father and will
all be admitted into Heaven.  But before I can let you through, there is a
small formality:  if any of you have sinned on earth, speak now and I will
purify you with this chalice of holy water."

The first nun, Sister Margeret, approaches St. Peter.  She looks a little
ashamed and whispers to the Saint, "Um, I ... er um, once touched a man's
member with my finger"  St. Peter looks mildly shocked but tells her, "That
is okay, just dip your finger in the chalice of holy water, and you will be
purified"  Sister Margeret does so, is purified, and walks through the
gates!

The second nun approaches St. Peter, and bashfully says, "I once held a
man's member in my hand!"  St. Peter looks aghast but once again tells the
nun that "you may enter if you dip your offending hand into the chalice of
holy water."  The nun does so and is let through the gates.

Before the third nun can get to St. Peter, there is a big fuss near the end
of the line!  Sister Mary is fighting her way through the line, trying to
get to the front.  St Peter goes to Sister MAry and asks her what is wrong.
 Sister Mary replies:

"I want to gargle some of that water before Sister Lucy sticks her butt in
it!"

eminds me of a NFL joke I heard in the Bay area. I have tailored it to suit
cricket.( Copyright Arun Simha 1998)

An Australian dies and goes to heaven ( yup, some of them find their way
there too!) :-). St. Peter opens the pearly gates and takes him around. "This
is the fast food joint, mate" and " That is the acquarium" , he goes. After a
short walk, they spot  a playground, where a cricket match is in progress. A
super fast bowler runs in to bowl.

Ball 1: Bowls one short. Batsman hooks and misses

Ball 2: Bowls a yorker. Batsman tries to thump an on drive through mid wicket
and gets wrapped on the pads

Ball 3: Bowls an outswinger. Batsman tries to glide it through thirdman. Gets
an edge which luckily falls short of the keeper.

Ball 4: Bowls a fast rising straight ball. Batsman goes on the backfoot and
tries to punch it through cover. Mistimes it and it lands just short of
thirdman.

Ball 5: Bowler runs in to bowl. Batsman charges down the wicket to hit a six
over the sight screen. Bowler bowls short and it goes through to the keeper.

Ball 6 : Bowls an inswinger. Batsman tries to glide it through square leg,
misses and is bowled!

The Aussie observes all this in disgust and asks " St. Peter. I've never seen
such appalling batting. Who's that idiotic batsman?"

St. Peter calmly replies :  " Oh, Him? He's God. He thinks he's Sachin
Tendulkar!"